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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister used my baby's death as an excuse to not get sacked!

75 replies

RamblingRita · 04/12/2018 13:50

Sister asked me to accompany her as moral support to a disciplinary meeting at her work due to action being taken over her persistent sickness absence. She had a Union rep there as well.

I had lost my baby girl (born at 32 weeks with an abnormality) a few months prior to this. In the time preceding this my sister had not shown any outward indication that this had affected her, she hadn't even hugged me or offered any sympathies really although she did attend the funeral.

Early in the meeting, the Union rep was trying to defend my sisters absence record which was bad going back for much of the 10 years she worked there (civil service). She used to have painful periods so took regular time off each month which I was sympathetic about.

He then stated that my sisters recent absence was due to depression and struggling to cope following the death of MY baby. I was thunderstruck by this as we weren't close and she'd never shown much of an interest in my older daughter.

I was quite angry about as it had been brought up without any forewarning but couldn't say much in the meeting. I asked why she did that afterwards and she said she had been upset.

I told my mother afterwards that I was angry about it and she said that my sister needs her job.

Sister was fired anyway.

She used me didn't she?

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 04/12/2018 16:42

I am so sorry about your loss.

What your sister did is inexcusible and I am furious on your behalf and Mia's behalf. I also think your mother's attitude is vile.

Hope your dp and friends are giving you support.

Rattinghat · 04/12/2018 17:00

Despicable behaviour. If it had just been her and the union rep there, and it would never have got back to you, that would be low. But to invite you knowing full well it would be brought up, and not briefing you, it sounds like she was actually hoping you would break down in the meeting and get her off the hook. What a vile, scummy thing to do.

Tinkobell · 04/12/2018 17:03

Opportunitistic, heartless and manipulative. It's unbelievable OP. I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

MrsTommyBanks · 04/12/2018 17:04

Your sister is really really low.
I'm so sorry Flowers

LizzieBennettDarcy · 04/12/2018 17:06

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. My darling boy was born asleep at 26 weeks, and it's indescribable Flowers Mia is a beautiful name.

The fact your sister used that for her own advantage?? Not sure that's something I could forgive.

And frankly, shame on her for doing so.

IWasTrendingThereForAMinute · 04/12/2018 17:07

Op that is one of themost shocking things I have ever read on here! To lose a baby...well I can't imagine. To do this afterwards is as low as it gets surely?

Flowers

Charcole · 04/12/2018 17:12

I'm really sorry OP.

I couldn't forgive anyone for what your sister has done. Why did she ask you to go along knowing that would be spoken about? It seems so unbelievably cruel.

ohfourfoxache · 04/12/2018 17:12

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Mia Thanks

There are no words for what she’s done. But I’m not sure I’d ever forgive her for her actions

ChristmasCuddles · 04/12/2018 17:15

I am so sorry for your loss of Mia. Flowers

Rattinghat · 04/12/2018 17:15

Charcole I really think the sister was planning that the OP would have some kind of breakdown in the meeting. And then she could force out a few tears and the HR would have to let her off.

ItIsChristmasTime · 04/12/2018 17:18

I’m so sorry Mia died. Flowers

As another bereaved mother, I could get my head around my baby’s death affecting a loved one and them not feeling I was able to discuss it with them because all my emotions were already being spent on my own grief. However, I don’t think that sounds like it was the case with your sister. Her sickness record clearly shows that she has a poor attendance going back a decade and I think it was unacceptable of her to use Mia as an excuse. I also think your mum is in the wrong. Yes, your sister needs a job but your sister needs to take responsibility for her own actions and attend work to keep her job.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 04/12/2018 17:25

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter Flowers.

Your sister is despicable for using your pain as her excuse and she is cruel for dragging you to that meeting. Your mother is a disgrace, showing an extraordinary lack of empathy- just slightly less than your sister.

stopinthenameoflove · 04/12/2018 17:28

Wow she was definitely out if order and so is your mum to say it's because she needed the job . Also unreasonable to regularly take time each month due to periods. No surprise she was fired .
Sorry for your loss op Thanks

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/12/2018 17:37

I'm so very sorry about Mia, Rita

Sadly, your ghastly sister and enabling mother clearly take the view that DS can help herself to whatever she wants, even if that means throwing your circumstances under the bus to get it

Some things are just too hideous to be swept aside, and while I don't say this lightly I'm afraid I'd be considering what kind of relationship I'd want with them in future

RamblingRita · 04/12/2018 17:38

Thanks for all the responses Flowers.

Yes, there are longstanding issues between my sister and I. She used to physically attack me when we were teenagers (she's older by 3 years) and blame me for stuff that she'd done.

I think I have woken up to my feeling that my mum facilitated her behaving like this. She was always favourite, ie she'd pay for her if we had a family holiday or ate out but I'd have to pay for myself. She got new clothes, I had to have her hand me downs etc.

I remember saying to my mother that I really wasn't up to going to this meeting but I was made me feel like there was no question that I should go Angry.

OP posts:
Nothininmenoggin · 04/12/2018 17:41

So sorry to hear this. I don't think I could forgive her for this, such an awful thing to do and to completely take you by surprise at the tribunal is just so cruel. So sorry for the loss of MiaFlowers

Rattinghat · 04/12/2018 17:45

RamblingRita my heart goes out to you. Beyond dreadful from your family who should be supporting you not exploiting. Something positive has to come from this shameful situation, I would seek counselling or support to work out the way you want to interact with these family members in future (if at all). A thousand flowers xxxxxxxxxx

toolazytothinkofausername · 04/12/2018 17:48

I am so sorry you had to go through all of this, and the loss of your beautiful daughter Mia.

Both your sister and your mum should be utterly ashamed of themselves! You have been treated dreadfully, and you have done nothing to deserve it.

DorothyLNaySayers · 04/12/2018 18:04

I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely Mia, Op.

Your sister and your mother should be ashamed of themselves.

KM99 · 04/12/2018 21:11

What she did to you was beyond contempt. Utterly disgusting. What do you feel you want to do next? It sounds like your attempts to explain how callous it was were met with deaf ears.

I'm so sorry that Mia passed away. You deserve the kind of love and support that your mum and sister are incapable of giving.

xx

kateandme · 05/12/2018 03:07

im so sorry for this.do you have your own family unit or friend to support you with this.you need someone to give you some big huggin.
no one especially not one sibling against another should be treated like you have.and its wrong.so every time it gets to you don't take it on just keep saying to yourself."no.they were wrong.not my monkey not my circus they wronged me"dont let their hurt hurt you as hard as that is I know.

CanuckBC · 05/12/2018 05:15

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mia. I can’t imagine.

Re your sister, what a stunned bitch. She did it with intent if you breaking down and going towards her cause. Maybe she would have been able to eke out a tear or two as well. Absolutely unbelievable to use you that way.

Your mom also knew, I can’t believe her either. “She needs her job” then she bloody should have shown up to work!!!

I would definitely be re-evaluating your relationship with them. What value of any do they bring to you life? Do they help fill your cup or just empty it? If they just empty it time to quickly back away.

Dhalandchips · 05/12/2018 05:25

I hope you have support in RL, your mum and sister sound toxic.
Love and Flowers

IdaDown · 05/12/2018 07:02

You might find it helpful to have a look at the Stately Homes threads in Relationships.

It sounds like this is the very visible tip of the iceberg.

CoraPirbright · 05/12/2018 08:26

From your update, I’d def be going low contact with the pair of them. Horrible people.

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