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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister used my baby's death as an excuse to not get sacked!

75 replies

RamblingRita · 04/12/2018 13:50

Sister asked me to accompany her as moral support to a disciplinary meeting at her work due to action being taken over her persistent sickness absence. She had a Union rep there as well.

I had lost my baby girl (born at 32 weeks with an abnormality) a few months prior to this. In the time preceding this my sister had not shown any outward indication that this had affected her, she hadn't even hugged me or offered any sympathies really although she did attend the funeral.

Early in the meeting, the Union rep was trying to defend my sisters absence record which was bad going back for much of the 10 years she worked there (civil service). She used to have painful periods so took regular time off each month which I was sympathetic about.

He then stated that my sisters recent absence was due to depression and struggling to cope following the death of MY baby. I was thunderstruck by this as we weren't close and she'd never shown much of an interest in my older daughter.

I was quite angry about as it had been brought up without any forewarning but couldn't say much in the meeting. I asked why she did that afterwards and she said she had been upset.

I told my mother afterwards that I was angry about it and she said that my sister needs her job.

Sister was fired anyway.

She used me didn't she?

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/12/2018 14:36

You are right and also much stronger than me. I'd have ripped her throat out! (My daughter was stillborn at 37 weeks and having my pain appropriated and used to cover for someone else would mean the end to any relationship between us).

BarbaraRoyale · 04/12/2018 14:37

what a cruel thing to do to you ,all she was thinking about was herself
I probably wouldn't speak to her again
so sorry for your loss Flowers

userxx · 04/12/2018 14:37

what a piece of 24 carat cuntfuckery - this 100%

Hissy · 04/12/2018 14:38

I'm so sorry love, and yes, you are right, you were used. Siblings can and do do this to us I'm afraid, it's totally inexcusable. How utterly and spectacularly heartless and insensitive of her to do this.

What do YOU want to do about this, what would you ideally say to her - if you can it to us here perhaps that will help you come to terms with what she has done and try to put your feelings into some kind of order so that you can recover from her betrayal somehow.

I am so sorry for the loss of little Mia, may she sleep in peace.

Hoppinggreen · 04/12/2018 15:07

I’m sorry for your loss, what your sister did was awful and I’m bloody glad she got sacked
When I was 17 my best friend died in a car accident. My brother used it to get compassionate leave from the Navy ( despite meeting my friend twice) and spent a week merrily going out on the piss with his mates and rolling in drunk at all times . Not as bad but still horrible. I’ve never forgiven him for it and I think you should stay away from your sister and Mum for a while.

SnowyPaws5 · 04/12/2018 15:12

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

Yes, what your sister did was out of order. If she was affected by your baby's death, she should have reached out to you. She has used the death and used you in the meeting. If I were you, I would be putting some distance between you and your sister.

Flowers
ree348 · 04/12/2018 15:19

I'm so sorry for your precious loss.

Your sister is utterly despicable, she used you and tried to use a heartbreaking situation to her advantage. I'm glad she lost her job and shame on your mother for condoning her behaviour.

Wishing you lots of love and strength x

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 04/12/2018 15:23

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl Flowers

Just going against the grain here, do you think there's any way that she was affected by it, but just didn't feel like she could talk about it to you?

StormTreader · 04/12/2018 15:54

She utterly used you Angry She was hoping that having you physically there would mean they couldn't ask her any details about it because it would upset you.

JustHereForThePooStories · 04/12/2018 15:56

Ugh, she’s absolutely vile. I’d seriously have to re-evaluate my relationship with someone who behaved like that.

I’m very sorry about the loss of your lovely little Mia Flowers.

Mulberry72 · 04/12/2018 15:59

Despicable, just despicable.

I’m afraid that this would damage the relationship I have with my siblings beyond repair. It’s just cold, heartless, calculated and self serving.

For you Flowers, so sorry for the loss of beautiful Mia xxx

cakecakecheese · 04/12/2018 15:59

I'm so sorry for your loss.

So the 'moral support' she wanted from you was to provide her with an excuse for shoddy behaviour at work basically. Just awful. At least you know now not to agree to any of her similar requests.

ArghhhWhatToDo · 04/12/2018 16:00

Eurgh totally out of order.

I had 6 miscarriages before my DD and found out recently that my older sister had gotten herself signed off work because of the stress she said she felt over my miscarriages...WTF??!!!

Total lack of morals and self awareness on her part. I just don't even bother with her anymore.

BunsOfAnarchy · 04/12/2018 16:00

I am so sorry for your loss OP.
What your sister did was diabolical. Take a break from seeing her and speaking to her. Its still raw and you this is the last thing you need.

In the meantime OP, how are you coping? Have you got a network of help and support?x

MissConductUS · 04/12/2018 16:07

It's awful that she used your tragedy this way, particularly without discussing it with you.

A bit OT, but I can understand why her workplace finally came to this. When an employee is chronically absent they can't actually do their jobs and either the work doesn't get done or everyone else has to unfairly pick up the extra.

corkandwood · 04/12/2018 16:13

I'm glad your sister lost her job.

CaMePlaitPas · 04/12/2018 16:13

Nope, she didn't use you, she used your baby girl and that is absolutely despicable. I'm sorry OP, if I were you I'd completely cut contact.

PlinkPlink · 04/12/2018 16:23

So sorry to hear this OP. Mia is a beautiful name.

Your sister has done something quite shameful.

I regret to say when I was younger and struggling with depression, I would often use things (though not this horrible Confused ) to make an excuse for my poor behaviour always late, always cancelling, not getting assignments in on time etc.

Depression is not an excuse but for some people it can alter your perceptions of things. Plenty of people with depression don't do that though - everyone is different.

It sounds to me like your sister needed to be fired. She needed to learn the lesson (just as I did) that there are consequences for her actions, even if there are, what are in her mind, legitimate reasons. Also the way that she feels needs to be dealt with rather than taking it out on those around her.

Petalflowers · 04/12/2018 16:26

I’m sorry for,your loss of your beautiful daughter, and the betrayal,form your sister.

Your sisters actions were seriously unkind and below the belt. I’m sure if she had genuinely taken time off due to your dd’s death, you would have known about it. Surely she would have talked to,you, or at least your mum about how she was feeling.

I hope you are okay.

CoraPirbright · 04/12/2018 16:32

I am so, so sorry OP. Not only for your loss but also for the fact that your sister used it as a last ditch attempt to get away with her laziness and ineptitude. Words fail me really. I think that would be it for any relationship I had with a sibling if they did something like that.

Does your mother always back your sister? Or does she just want a quiet life and to not be bothered to defend what is right?

Weezol · 04/12/2018 16:35

I'm so sorry you lost Mia Flowers

It's taken me an hour or two to respond because I was so stunned by your sister's despicable behaviour and your mother's excusing if it.

I don't think I could be around either of them for quite some time, and as far as your sister is concerned, ever.

Frozenteatowel · 04/12/2018 16:36

That is truly shocking. It’s hard to know what to say about such vile behaviour. I’m so sorry for the loss of your darling Mia. There is no possible excuse for your sister to have used her passing to her own ends. Absolutely nothing. Flowers Flowers for you and little Mia xx

ChasedByBees · 04/12/2018 16:36

That was an awful thing to spring on you OP, I’m very sorry. Flowers

wizzywig · 04/12/2018 16:38

Words fail me. How utterly low of her to do that

PumpkinKitty82 · 04/12/2018 16:40

I’m so sorry to read this .
Your sister sounds like an awful person and your mum should know better