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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find the annual managing of In laws too much

64 replies

Claracracksthenut · 04/12/2018 10:19

The yearly Christmas debate of when in laws ( who have little to do with us all year) can come over Xmas has started yet again in our house. The issue is
1, I am working night 23 and 25 th December so priority is our children. They go to bed and I have to go to work Christmas night ( without any sleep and after a night 23rd so nasty)
2, I have already arranged to spend Xmas day at my (widowed) mother’s as she is local, happy to host as it helps me she knows I will be struggling with lack of sleep. She also has a new puppy she is toilet training so better for her at her house. Plus my brother will be there.
3, SIL who uses mil in law for childcare and lives near her has decided we should have them on 25th????? ( they all live over 1 hour away). Also they are doing a big Xmas on 24th as traditional in BIL home country.

I’m exhausted I am juggling and working Xmas. Making sure my 3 children don’t miss out. Why do these people think they can dominate the very brief period I get with my family on Xmas. I have to sacrifice sleep to fit in xmas.
We have offered to host Boxing Day pm as a compromise ( I will be exhausted and grumpy but hay ho I don’t really matter do I?)

Just to clarify and avoid drip feeding.
Mil has never ever helped us with childcare, we have 3 young children and she has always been horrible to me. She was also beyond rude to my mother at our wedding so no my mother will not have her.
I work In a hospital I’m front line staff it is not my choice to work Xmas, I have to!

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 04/12/2018 10:24

“I’m really sorry, but i’m working this Christmas, so you’ll have to go ahead without us. Could we get together on the 28th or 29th maybe?”

Montypontypine · 04/12/2018 10:25

Just be straight with MIL and SIL. Tell them you're working on 25th December and you cannot host them.

LakieLady · 04/12/2018 10:26

Perfect, Bertrand!

SIL is a CF.

halcyondays · 04/12/2018 10:26

yanbu.

EmUntitled · 04/12/2018 10:30

You obviously won't be hosting on Christmas day or boxing day. Tell them the reason is because you are working nights. Don't even get into a discussion, I would just pick a day and tell them "we will see you on the xxth. Would you like to come here or shall we visit you"

BarbaraofSevillle · 04/12/2018 10:31

Where's your DH in all this?

With your work pattern over Christmas I wouldn't be doing anything between the 23rd and Boxing day inclusive except working, spending time with your DCs and DM and grabbing whatever sleep you can and your DH should be supportive of this.

Maybe meet up with the inlaws during the weekend before Christmas or afterwards as you simply aren't available any other time.

PrettyLovely · 04/12/2018 10:33

Just tell them you cannot host them.
Personally I wouldnt do ANY hosting to people that are horrible to me.
Lifes too short to spend with people who make you unhappy.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/12/2018 10:36

“I’m really sorry, but i’m working this Christmas, so you’ll have to go ahead without us. Could we get together on the 28th or 29th maybe?

Yes perfect. Text them that message today and try and switch off.
I'm confused to why you mentioned MIL has never done any childcare for you though OP, is that relevant here?

MsDidoTwite · 04/12/2018 10:42

Copy your message to your DH/DP and tell him to sort out the in-laws. You'll be with your DM on Christmas Day, end of. Start managing their expectations now and do yourself a favour. Either cancel BD completely or dial back Boxing Day to the afternoon after 2pm, do a buffet organised by your DH/DP and chuck them out at 7pm - put your PJs on and yawn a lot. I have a similar experience with CF in-laws; they ignore us all year and then appear as if by magic, won't be pinned down on any arrangements, faff about and at the last minute expect us to host or accede to their plans. Now, as soon as they mention Christmas, my well-trained DH tells them our plans, and they can either fit in or not. I suspect that the problem wouldn't arise if they were more generally available or understood that it isn't all about them and we have other family members to consider, including their grandchildren!

RangeRider · 04/12/2018 10:43

'I'm working nights over Christmas and we're spending Christmas Day at my mother's so unfortunately we'll not be able to host you this year. Perhaps we can meet up another time - we could come to you to save both you and MIL having to travel?'

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/12/2018 10:44

Yes that's a good idea Dido.

goingonabearhunt1 · 04/12/2018 10:46

Just tell them you have to work as PP have said. It would be dangerous to do that job on no sleep and all stressed out surely.

NorthEndGal · 04/12/2018 10:52

"As you know, I'm working Christmas day, so I am not hosting this year. I would love to meet up on xxx or xxxx so we can have a chance to visit with you properly"

Tighnabruaich · 04/12/2018 10:56

Good advice from other posters. Don't get involved, just tell them. You do not need this extra stress. Have Christmas at home how you want it, you can see the in-laws another time.

VimFuego101 · 04/12/2018 10:59

Exactly as previous posters have said - tell them you are not available and be done with it.

TidyDancer · 04/12/2018 11:06

Have you had a conversation with SIL or has she just presented this to you as a done deal? Tbh I think either way you just have to contact her with a very matter of fact explanation of why you won't be hosting this year, and treat it as if she was opening the discussion rather than dictating to you (if this is what she has done). It's not a choice for you, there really doesn't seem to be a way you can host this year.

EncroachingLoaf · 04/12/2018 11:10

I wouldn't host anyone in my home who is horrible to me, least of all on Christmas day in between juggling work, kids, cooking, etc ... fuck that!

FiL is a nasty spiteful man who is horrible to my DC (though not in front of me) and has made them cry, as well as my DH (who he treats like dirt) on numerous occasions. He came to ours for christmas last year but this year we've said no. It's such a relief to not have that dark cloud looming over us and to be able to look forward to enjoying christmas day without him ruining it.

Sil doesn't get to decide what you do, how cheeky. Just get your DH to tell them no, if MIL is already horrible to you what more damage can be done so who the fuck cares!

Life's too short for having people who treat you like shit round at christmas.

BlackrockMum · 04/12/2018 11:18

honestly I don't understand your post, it doesn't matter what sil has decided, for xmas, or does for her childcare, this is your life your plans, you have made plans already for 25th your going to your mums then to work so yes you are too tired at 26th to be hosting ( don't understand how their travel time relates here) relatives of your dh , who you don't like and don't help you. cancel 26th pm plans go to bed after work and when you wake have a nice day with DH and kids, mine often prefer boxing day as we often do movie, popcorn, selection boxes and egg and chips for dinner!

I assume DH doesn't have a problem with your mums on 25th. If sil doing big do on 24th maybe you should send your dh there with kids while you try get some sleep!! I jest. but I assume sil not working around xmas, so she can sort something later when it suits your work timetable.

By the way thank you for working 25th night, without people working in hospitals and the like we would be in a lot of trouble.

BiddyPop · 04/12/2018 11:21

I agree with everyone else. Bertrand's message is good.

And as Tidy mentions, whatever about what they "expect" you to do, TELL them that you had not issued an invitation as you are working and already have plans for the day which don't include cooking dinner or being at home.

Remind them that they would not want anyone in your position to be unsafe in treating patients, including themselves if they were unlucky enough to need the health services over the holidays. So it is important that you do get enough sleep.

And then make the offer to meet up with them, at a time and place and for an event of YOUR choosing, once your nights are finished and you have had a chance to sleep and can actually "enjoy" (or at least be rested enough to put your protective measures in place effectively!) the occasion.

Bungleinthejungle · 04/12/2018 11:23

I don't really understand this. It's not up to SIL to tell you that you're hosting. Who made her Queen? Is she always like this? If your DH is trained not to stand up to her, just say you can't do it this year. Maybe you could go to hers after Christmas to see DH's family, but not BD as you'll be knackered!

diddl · 04/12/2018 11:34

When I want to host you I'll fucking well ask?

thecatsthecats · 04/12/2018 11:40

diddl had the best answer that unfortunately you can't send.

Twisique · 04/12/2018 11:46

Just send them a couple of days you are available and offer to meet up for lunch in a pub.

AdoraBell · 04/12/2018 11:58

Definitely tell them you can’t host anyone because you are working. Then don’t get reeled into any arguments, but if they come back with “when will see the grandchildren” type questions suggest a couple of dates and a pub lunch as suggested.

bigKiteFlying · 04/12/2018 12:01

"As you know, I'm working Christmas day, so I am not hosting this year. I would love to meet up on xxx or xxxx so we can have a chance to visit with you properly"

^^ This - I did it when pfb was a toddler got a bit of pushback initially long term it's worked well.

It also means in future when we will have to host I'm going to be much less resentful and more keen to do so.

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