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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find the annual managing of In laws too much

64 replies

Claracracksthenut · 04/12/2018 10:19

The yearly Christmas debate of when in laws ( who have little to do with us all year) can come over Xmas has started yet again in our house. The issue is
1, I am working night 23 and 25 th December so priority is our children. They go to bed and I have to go to work Christmas night ( without any sleep and after a night 23rd so nasty)
2, I have already arranged to spend Xmas day at my (widowed) mother’s as she is local, happy to host as it helps me she knows I will be struggling with lack of sleep. She also has a new puppy she is toilet training so better for her at her house. Plus my brother will be there.
3, SIL who uses mil in law for childcare and lives near her has decided we should have them on 25th????? ( they all live over 1 hour away). Also they are doing a big Xmas on 24th as traditional in BIL home country.

I’m exhausted I am juggling and working Xmas. Making sure my 3 children don’t miss out. Why do these people think they can dominate the very brief period I get with my family on Xmas. I have to sacrifice sleep to fit in xmas.
We have offered to host Boxing Day pm as a compromise ( I will be exhausted and grumpy but hay ho I don’t really matter do I?)

Just to clarify and avoid drip feeding.
Mil has never ever helped us with childcare, we have 3 young children and she has always been horrible to me. She was also beyond rude to my mother at our wedding so no my mother will not have her.
I work In a hospital I’m front line staff it is not my choice to work Xmas, I have to!

OP posts:
ZanZeeee · 04/12/2018 12:16

I understand your frustration - we’re in the same boat.

This is our first Xmas with our baby and we don’t hear a thing from PIL’s all year. MIL readily admits she prefers a quiet life but suddenly at Xmas she expects to be at the centre of the celebrations. We just tell her we’ll see her on Boxing Day and that’s that.

Holidayshopping · 04/12/2018 12:24

SIL who uses mil in law for childcare and lives near her has decided we should have them on 25th?????

Sorry but nobody can decide you are hosting, except you. Say no, I’m working and the problem is solved. What have you actually said?

SandAndSea · 04/12/2018 12:25

I agree with everyone else. You're not available.

SassitudeandSparkle · 04/12/2018 12:27

So why did you offer Boxing Day if you are working the night before? Why not the day after that?

Holidayshopping · 04/12/2018 12:30

Why do these people think they can dominate the very brief period I get with my family on Xmas.

That will only happen if you let it.

Tell them you are working over
Christmas and going to your mums xmas day. Suggest meeting in a pub for lunch when you’re all free.

citiesofbismuth · 04/12/2018 12:36

Just say no. Honestly, they might brat a bit, but who cares? I spent over 10 years doing what was expected of me at xmas - I also have to work shifts - and nobody gave a crap about my feelings and I never had the confidence to speak up. I'm still not over the resentment. Don't end up like this, it's shit and I hate xmas now because of it.

You never get this time back and you'll end up bitter about it. Please just say no.

SnuggyBuggy · 04/12/2018 12:40

Say no now, plenty of time to make other plans. Volunteering someone to host Christmas is low even by CF standards.

Kardashianlove · 04/12/2018 12:43

We have offered to host Boxing Day pm as a compromise
Why on earth would you do this? Seriously, the normal response would be ‘I’m working nights so won’t be able to host Christmas Day/Boxing Day, we can see you on 28th’ ( or whatever day suits you).

NoSquirrels · 04/12/2018 12:45

Invite them for New Year's Day.

I suspect you'll end up hosting Boxing Day anyway, it sounds as if you view it as inevitable. So if that is indeed the case (but it shouldn't be, you CAN put them off!) then your DH does it. The shopping, the cooking, the laying out stuff and the clearing up. His family, he's the one "hosting".

onalongsabbatical · 04/12/2018 13:10

Or do it, and allow yourself to have a raging, screaming meltdown mid preps. That'll sort it forever OP. Grin
Seriously say no. They are being ludicrous.

girlywhirly · 04/12/2018 13:24

Don’t say sorry you can’t host, what have you to be sorry about? Without dedicated staff the NHS would grind to a halt. I understand very well what it’s like, as a child my dad was often working Christmas Day, or at least part of it, in a hospital as an assistant matron. (1960’s)

Simply tell SIL that you are working and that you are going to your mum on Christmas Day so it is out of the question for you to host. You are sure she understands how busy hospitals are at Christmas and you will be exhausted. And this has been organised and agreed between your family and your mum for some time.

Original poster
Claracracksthenut · 04/12/2018 14:47

Hi,
I offered Boxing Day pm as they are being very difficult about anything too far from 25th.
It’s all going through DH btw SIL would never ask me directly as she knows I will give a straight NO. DH is weak hence him being the one being approached and him then trying to persuade me. Between nights is not possible even my loved ones are weary of me.
SIL is on mat leave and has a 8-5 no public holidays job normally. She has absolutely no idea about what working a night shift means.

OP posts:
AE1234 · 04/12/2018 14:51

Can you DH not take the kids on Boxing Day so you can catch up with sleep.

edwinbear · 04/12/2018 14:59

I don't understand. You are going to your mum's on Christmas Day, so if they turn up expecting to be hosted, you'll be out and they will be left stood on the door step, chocolate orange in hand, right? It's not hard to explain you won't be in on the 25th is it?

Chloe84 · 04/12/2018 15:04

H is weak hence him being the one being approached and him then trying to persuade me

Who does all the cooking and cleaning?

And why wouldn't you host someone who is horrible to you on Boxing Day?! Stop being a martyr with 'i don't matter do i' stuff, say no now!!

Original poster
Claracracksthenut · 04/12/2018 15:06

I have suggested ( multiple times) DH and children go up Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, I have offered various weekends and other days. I am beyond frustrated it’s hardly like MIL is some neglected sweet old dear. She is getting Xmas eve big European style Xmas so why the hell she needs 25th I don’t know??
My Mother will just see us on 25th and will be hosting whilst puppy training.
I personally blame DH for not just being straight and firm. Arrrrrrrrrrrr
Btw sil works 9-5 not 8-5!!

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 04/12/2018 15:07

Sorry phone keeps correcting 'would' to 'wouldn't'.

Why would you host her, that should be.

HollowTalk · 04/12/2018 15:08

Come on, OP. Just refuse it. They're horrible and trying to control what you are doing with your family in your precious spare time. Tell them it's not going to happen.

Your DH can take the kids to see them all when you're at work, if he wants. I wouldn't go near them.

Chloe84 · 04/12/2018 15:08

Are you guys invited to Christmas Eve?

averylongtimeago · 04/12/2018 15:16

You know what to do. Bertrand told you what to say ages ago.

Just say no, see you at ( insert convenient day here) and stick to it.
If they don't like it, tough.

In my opinion, front line NHS staff on nights at Christmas get to call the shots about what they do or don't do, not unpleasant outlaws.

WeeDangerousSpike · 04/12/2018 15:17

Tell DH to tell SIL 'oh, I don't know, you'll have to talk to Clara' and pass you the phone / forward the email / add you to the chat / whatever if you can't trust him to be firm and on the same page as you.

Make it clear that if he doesn't then it's up to him to facilitate whatever plan they come up with without you, as you won't be doing so much as peeling a sprout...

Holidayshopping · 04/12/2018 15:17

I think you’re mad for offering Boxing Day. You’ll be knackered and will dread Christmas. Set good strong assertive role models for your kids!

BiddyPop · 04/12/2018 15:20

If your DH is being weak and not giving the necessary "No" to SIL, then you need to pick up the phone yourself, in the guise of making sure that messages are not getting muddled, and tell her directly that you are working nights, you will not be there on Christmas Day, and that you cannot host someone on Christmas Day (anyone). You already have plans and you just wanted to make sure that SIL was aware of that so that she can change hers before it is too late.

And then refuse to engage further.

Sewrainbow · 04/12/2018 15:27

I wouldn't offer boxing day, if your husband won't be firm with his family and they come tell him he is responsible for all host duties, buying, preparing and serving all food etc as you will be relaxing after WORKING.

I too work for NHS luckily not Christmas this year but no way would I want to host after a night shift. They're unbelievably selfish to even thinking is an ok thing to suggest. A nicer plan would be they offer to host but be understanding if you pulled out last minute due to tiredness

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/12/2018 15:47

Just tell them you're skipping it till when you're off! Stop making hard work of it. Text them yourself if DH is weak. Be concise and spell it out.