To be insanely jealous

[needtogetagrip]

Hi, I need a kick up the backside to get over this stupid intense jealousy that has hit me recently. it's crazy as it doesn't change anything in my life whatsoever and I want to get over it.

Bit of a back story - I'm 37 now, and many years ago (approx 10), I was in a relationship with someone I was engaged to. For many reasons, relationship went downhill and I was the one that finally ended it. I never once regretted this decision, in fact I was quite relieved once I had got the bottle to end it. My ex was several years older than me, and when I met him he was unemployed and living with his parents, they say that love is blind, don't they?! Well for whatever reason this was not an issue for me when I met him, even though I was working extremely hard, and he was in bed until mid morning and I had to nag him to look for a job. He had decided to study full time as a mature students and had completed his course long before meeting me and still had every excuse in the book as to why he didn't have a job. Nevertheless, I suppose we were fairly happy to begin with and eventually he did get some work and we were able to rent the flat. We were in a position where all of our money went on rent and bills etc and we were in no position to save for a deposit on a place. I could not have been working any harder in the company I was in at the time, nor could have been bringing in any more money than I was at the time, it was only an admin job. He used to "joke" that he wished he had met a girl who owned her own place, I told him that maybe he should pull his finger out and build himself a career too, but he always had a big superiority complex and used to say how he was better than "monkeys stuck at their desks" in an office all day, (his words, not mine!) so even though he did get a job in the end, I had a strong feeling he thought it was beneath him. His attitude towards his aspirations or lack of them, combined with many other things, meant that I ended the relationship after about 4 years together. We never kept in contact and I never regretted my decision. I remember chatting to my mum after the break up and she told me that she felt I had basically had to help this guy grow up, and that she had been a bit worried when I first met him, because all she could see was me in my mid 20s working full-time, dating this guy who was doing absolutely nothing with his life, and I can imagine as a parent that was a bit difficult to see. my parents tried their best to welcome him into the family home, but they told me after I ended the relationship that they never really liked him that much, because of his attitude towards working and the fact that he thought he was better than most people.

All these years later, that feels like a lifetime ago, and I'm now happily married to my wonderful husband of just over 3 years 😊 we have great marriage and I'm extremely content in that sense. My husband is a lovely, kind and understanding person and makes me so happy. We bought our current house a couple of years ago and although it is a nice house, various things annoying me for example the local boy racers use our road as a race track, which drives me mad sometimes, also the neighbours that we are attached to don't look after their conifers at the front, and I feel like their house being run down makes us look rubbish (apparently I was totally oblivious to this fact when we were viewing the house, but we are all wise after the event aren't we. Lol). Just a few niggly things like that. I have accepted that this as a long-term home for us and we can't really do much to change those things. The most important thing is that it is a home filled with love.

My husband was working away at a conference last week and I was feeling a bit sad and lonely the one evening. I don't live near my hometown anymore, and haven't got any friends around here yet, which doesn't help. I was just sitting there looking at Facebook and was very shocked that I got a friend suggestion of my above-mentioned ex. I have hardly thought about this guy for years, but total curiosity got the better of me and I had a look at his page 🙈 well... All I can say is.... He is a totally different person. Before anyone says it - no I absolutely do not regret splitting up with him.. but I was really shocked at the person he has become, and what he now has. Everything on his page seems to be set to public, and so I was able to see that in the last couple of years he and his now-wife have bought a beautiful detached new build house, and have got a baby daughter. Whereas I am in our house with all the issues it has, and I have got potential fertility issues (my husband and I have not started TTC yet but I have PCOS and it is a great source of anxiety to me, I am trying to get the symptoms more under control before we ttc). Well I'm ashamed to say that this started a spiral of Facebook stalking lol, and I was looking at his wife's page and she has got this really high flying career (I'm just a part time admin person) , and he seems to have progressed a lot in his career. ... And here is the thing...I am so insanely completely and utterly jealous of his house.... It is eating me up!!! I have always dreamed of having one of those new build houses where everything is perfect, anyway he has put a quite a few photos of the house on Facebook and I recognised where it was, not far from where I used to live... I need to try and get over this jealousy, I have cried over this. It seems to be that my mum was right and indeed I did help this guy to grow up when I was with him, and now all these years later he has got it all, and although I have my lovely husband, I am a long way from having a house like my ex's, or having a child. I can't believe that he has overtaken me so much with his life progress. I feel really bitter and horrible like he doesn't deserve what he has got. Looking at her page, and the job that she does, it definitely seems that a big part of how they have managed to get a house like that is because of her job. And I could never have given him that!!

Urgh sorry for venting I think it's just highlights exactly how unhappy I am for my own failures in life, to have got to 37 and be childless, and in a semi-detached house in a very average area, when he has done so much better than me. Please tell me that I am not the only person to ever have felt like this at all? Kick up the backside are appreciated.

YABU

New build houses are ghastly

It doesn't look it in their photos!

I agree....GHASTLY! Who'd want that? NO character....cardboard cut-out houses for drones with no taste.

It won't serve any purpose doing this, as well you know. Maybe you need a change of career or perhaps you could do some training or study for something you'd love to do instead? If you are thinking of kids perhaps that uncertainty is stressing you out too. Honestly it is better to be proactive than jealous. You'll ruin what you have if you keep on comparing.

People don't tend to change that much...

If his wife were to post, it would probably read 'I want my husband to be more ambitious...' Lots of posters would probably suggest that he's a cock lodger.

I second the responses re new build homes... No character and they're often riddles with problems of their own!

*riddled

How has he done better than you? Because he has a new build? You need to keep things in perspective... you don't know that their relationship is really like, you don't even know if they own the house or are renting (not that it matters). Even if you were still with him you probably wouldn't be able to afford a house like that as it sounds like both him and his partner are high earners. Just be grateful for what you do have... lots of people are still waiting to settle down and can't get on the property ladder at all. You can cross the 'childless' bridge when you get to it- like you said you haven't even tried conceiving yet! This is why Facebook is the devil lol. Just block him and carry on with your life.

Slightly off an a tangent - at 37 with pcos you'd be well advised to see a fertility specialist , sooner rather than later, if you want to have children.

People's actual lives and what they post on social media are two different things. Sometimes when someone 'overshares', it can be overcompensating.

I imagine you weren't the only one who thought the was lazy and could try harder. He's probably heard it from a lot of people. Maybe he's overly sharing his personal life & adding people from his past to help him with some deep embedded embarrassment, shame and insecurities.

Posting lots of 'public' things about private events (such as buying a new home), just to show people he doesn't speak to or care about doesn't sound like a happy person to me. Sounds like someone needing approval and admiration.

New builds are horruble and i imagine it us she who managed to get it, not him.

Theres nothing to be jealous of and fyi any house you have there will ALWAYS be niggles. No house is perfect!

FB is the eater of joy. In ye old days, you wouldn’t have seen his new house.

Anyone that has pictures of their lovely new house is going to be a boasting dullard anyway. You are but seeing a snapshot of their lives, presented in a platinum frame. FB isn’t reality.

So bloody what if he has a nice new house. Just breathe and move on.

My first thought... why is he trying to friend you? If his life is so perfect, he wouldn't be thinking about his ex. Something odd here. New build houses are AWFUL. Nothing is ever as perfect as it appears , especially on facebook. Don't lose sight of what you have, and your loving happy marriage. That's what really matters.

Apart from not having a super house ? like your ex,, you have a home,and a man who sounds like a lovely Husband, Jealousy is a 100% pointless emotion, which.by the sounds of it, you already know.

Also,I think that people who plaster photo's etc,of their homes on Facebook are really shallow and naff. Money does not maketh man,an old saying I think, and true.

I would not think as you said, this ex has overtaken you in his life, you have both moved in different directions that's all...

Good luck for the future for any baby plans.

Maybe he's sponging off her like he did with you, maybe they had an inheritance; maybe they've gone down a shared ownership route, maybe they are financially stretched to the brink, maybe they have a life of Riley and worked their socks off. Frankly who cares? It's their life, the grass is probably not any greener in its own respect.

This op is insanely long!

Sorry I probably didn't explain properly - he didn't add me as a friend - his name came up in one of those "do you know this person" things, and I clicked on him out of curiosity.

Yes I know it's long, sorry 😟

Wow! You need to get some perspective and be happy for what you have, there will always be other people who have more and others who have less. Your relationship did not work out, obviously you were not the right person for him and he was a lot younger at the time and did not share your ambitions then. Unsure if you helped him grow up or enabled him to be a slob at the time. I would say all my exes have done better than me despite having less qualifications but am not envious, life takes twists and turns. Life is not a race for material possessions. Things probably just fell into place for him at the right time and you have no idea if he is happy, fb is a front nor do you know what he had to do to get there. Stop seeing yourself as a failure, other people will envy what you have. You have said that your home is long term and you cannot change things, so seem to have lost some ambition, so like him, you have changed during these years. pcos is very hard but not impossible to overcome. I know, I had it and the weight loss seemed impossible. I went on a vlcd and got my periods and fertility back. Be happy that you have a loving relationship and can try for a child, I hid away. New build houses are horrible, so nothing to envy.

I have always dreamed of having one of those new build houses where everything is perfect

Trust me, there's no such thing as new build where everything is perfect. There's always something wrong, sometimes many somethings, and it's not exactly easy to fix that.

Looking at her page, and the job that she does, it definitely seems that a big part of how they have managed to get a house like that is because of her job. And I could never have given him that!!

Yes, because you got wiser and got rid of the cocklodger just in time.

I'd find it odd that your ex has his perfect life displayed publicly on Facebook and then just happens to be seeking you out via Facebook. You do realise the 'people you may know' section includes people who've been searching for and looking at your profile. (So he'll no doubt see you've been stalking him as well!)

It sounds like he's set it all up to get a reaction or as a big attention seeking ego boost. Which just says to me he's a twat.

Don't be jealous of what someone appears to have on Facebook. It never tells the how story. Like others have said, I'm sure if you asked his wife, her story might be very different.

I sort of understand how you feel but in a way you are unreasonable. Let's face it, you are happy with your husband and when you were with ex, you were both young; he was obviously immature. Unless we are very lucky and 'click' with someone for a life commitment early on, we kiss a few frogs. Yet I'm sure you had some good times with your ex. Remember those, no resentment.

Be glad he eventually grew up and please don't be jealous of what he has, materially or otherwise. Right now, t's just the other way around to how you were when you were with him and you will have it sooner or later. Some of us have to wait a while, that's life I'm afraid (& remember well), nothing is ever perfect. Who knows what the future may bring for any of you.

Jealousy is an ugly emotion. Be glad of what you have - which is a lot - and look forward to a wonderful future with your man. I really hope you do have a child but people enjoy their marriages without children.

So this couples house is horrible and ghastly? How on earth would anyone here know, presumably you have not seen the house in question. Houses can either be nice or awful regardless of when they were built.

Saying the house must be shit isn't going to make the OP feel better. Encouraging negative, hateful thoughts towards her ex isn't going to result in her feeling any happier.

Jealousy is a pretty normal reaction to be having, what matters is that you process it in a healthy way and don't dwell on it excessively.

He's cocklodging off a successful woman and passing off her success as "theirs". He hasn't overtaken you with achievements in life, he's just got a nice house, which if he keeps cocklodging, as he is wont to do, he will lose in the divorce anyway. You need to separate your own success from how you see his successes. If you have found genuine love with a kind, hardworking, respectful person that is priceless, and much, much, much more valuable than living in a certain type of house. In the nicest possible way, put this ex and all the irrelevant nonsense about his life out of your head and get a bloody grip.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Either he’s cocklodging or you dumping him acted as a wake up call. I’ve seen both happen.

And you don’t know what their life is really like.

To be honest OP it really doesn't sound like you're upset over your 'ex's achievements'. It sounds like you're coveting the lifestyle that he now has due to his current partner. So if you'd stayed with him your circumstances wouldn't potentially be any different to your current one (although they may have been worse). Your ex relationship would have had to have been with her not him to have put you into his situation now.