Hi, I need a kick up the backside to get over this stupid intense jealousy that has hit me recently. it's crazy as it doesn't change anything in my life whatsoever and I want to get over it.
Bit of a back story - I'm 37 now, and many years ago (approx 10), I was in a relationship with someone I was engaged to. For many reasons, relationship went downhill and I was the one that finally ended it. I never once regretted this decision, in fact I was quite relieved once I had got the bottle to end it. My ex was several years older than me, and when I met him he was unemployed and living with his parents, they say that love is blind, don't they?! Well for whatever reason this was not an issue for me when I met him, even though I was working extremely hard, and he was in bed until mid morning and I had to nag him to look for a job. He had decided to study full time as a mature students and had completed his course long before meeting me and still had every excuse in the book as to why he didn't have a job. Nevertheless, I suppose we were fairly happy to begin with and eventually he did get some work and we were able to rent the flat. We were in a position where all of our money went on rent and bills etc and we were in no position to save for a deposit on a place. I could not have been working any harder in the company I was in at the time, nor could have been bringing in any more money than I was at the time, it was only an admin job. He used to "joke" that he wished he had met a girl who owned her own place, I told him that maybe he should pull his finger out and build himself a career too, but he always had a big superiority complex and used to say how he was better than "monkeys stuck at their desks" in an office all day, (his words, not mine!) so even though he did get a job in the end, I had a strong feeling he thought it was beneath him. His attitude towards his aspirations or lack of them, combined with many other things, meant that I ended the relationship after about 4 years together. We never kept in contact and I never regretted my decision. I remember chatting to my mum after the break up and she told me that she felt I had basically had to help this guy grow up, and that she had been a bit worried when I first met him, because all she could see was me in my mid 20s working full-time, dating this guy who was doing absolutely nothing with his life, and I can imagine as a parent that was a bit difficult to see. my parents tried their best to welcome him into the family home, but they told me after I ended the relationship that they never really liked him that much, because of his attitude towards working and the fact that he thought he was better than most people.
All these years later, that feels like a lifetime ago, and I'm now happily married to my wonderful husband of just over 3 years 😊 we have great marriage and I'm extremely content in that sense. My husband is a lovely, kind and understanding person and makes me so happy. We bought our current house a couple of years ago and although it is a nice house, various things annoying me for example the local boy racers use our road as a race track, which drives me mad sometimes, also the neighbours that we are attached to don't look after their conifers at the front, and I feel like their house being run down makes us look rubbish (apparently I was totally oblivious to this fact when we were viewing the house, but we are all wise after the event aren't we. Lol). Just a few niggly things like that. I have accepted that this as a long-term home for us and we can't really do much to change those things. The most important thing is that it is a home filled with love.
My husband was working away at a conference last week and I was feeling a bit sad and lonely the one evening. I don't live near my hometown anymore, and haven't got any friends around here yet, which doesn't help. I was just sitting there looking at Facebook and was very shocked that I got a friend suggestion of my above-mentioned ex. I have hardly thought about this guy for years, but total curiosity got the better of me and I had a look at his page 🙈 well... All I can say is.... He is a totally different person. Before anyone says it - no I absolutely do not regret splitting up with him.. but I was really shocked at the person he has become, and what he now has. Everything on his page seems to be set to public, and so I was able to see that in the last couple of years he and his now-wife have bought a beautiful detached new build house, and have got a baby daughter. Whereas I am in our house with all the issues it has, and I have got potential fertility issues (my husband and I have not started TTC yet but I have PCOS and it is a great source of anxiety to me, I am trying to get the symptoms more under control before we ttc). Well I'm ashamed to say that this started a spiral of Facebook stalking lol, and I was looking at his wife's page and she has got this really high flying career (I'm just a part time admin person) , and he seems to have progressed a lot in his career. ... And here is the thing...I am so insanely completely and utterly jealous of his house.... It is eating me up!!! I have always dreamed of having one of those new build houses where everything is perfect, anyway he has put a quite a few photos of the house on Facebook and I recognised where it was, not far from where I used to live... I need to try and get over this jealousy, I have cried over this. It seems to be that my mum was right and indeed I did help this guy to grow up when I was with him, and now all these years later he has got it all, and although I have my lovely husband, I am a long way from having a house like my ex's, or having a child. I can't believe that he has overtaken me so much with his life progress. I feel really bitter and horrible like he doesn't deserve what he has got. Looking at her page, and the job that she does, it definitely seems that a big part of how they have managed to get a house like that is because of her job. And I could never have given him that!!
Urgh sorry for venting I think it's just highlights exactly how unhappy I am for my own failures in life, to have got to 37 and be childless, and in a semi-detached house in a very average area, when he has done so much better than me. Please tell me that I am not the only person to ever have felt like this at all? Kick up the backside are appreciated.