To be insanely jealous

[needtogetagrip]

Hi, I need a kick up the backside to get over this stupid intense jealousy that has hit me recently. it's crazy as it doesn't change anything in my life whatsoever and I want to get over it.

Bit of a back story - I'm 37 now, and many years ago (approx 10), I was in a relationship with someone I was engaged to. For many reasons, relationship went downhill and I was the one that finally ended it. I never once regretted this decision, in fact I was quite relieved once I had got the bottle to end it. My ex was several years older than me, and when I met him he was unemployed and living with his parents, they say that love is blind, don't they?! Well for whatever reason this was not an issue for me when I met him, even though I was working extremely hard, and he was in bed until mid morning and I had to nag him to look for a job. He had decided to study full time as a mature students and had completed his course long before meeting me and still had every excuse in the book as to why he didn't have a job. Nevertheless, I suppose we were fairly happy to begin with and eventually he did get some work and we were able to rent the flat. We were in a position where all of our money went on rent and bills etc and we were in no position to save for a deposit on a place. I could not have been working any harder in the company I was in at the time, nor could have been bringing in any more money than I was at the time, it was only an admin job. He used to "joke" that he wished he had met a girl who owned her own place, I told him that maybe he should pull his finger out and build himself a career too, but he always had a big superiority complex and used to say how he was better than "monkeys stuck at their desks" in an office all day, (his words, not mine!) so even though he did get a job in the end, I had a strong feeling he thought it was beneath him. His attitude towards his aspirations or lack of them, combined with many other things, meant that I ended the relationship after about 4 years together. We never kept in contact and I never regretted my decision. I remember chatting to my mum after the break up and she told me that she felt I had basically had to help this guy grow up, and that she had been a bit worried when I first met him, because all she could see was me in my mid 20s working full-time, dating this guy who was doing absolutely nothing with his life, and I can imagine as a parent that was a bit difficult to see. my parents tried their best to welcome him into the family home, but they told me after I ended the relationship that they never really liked him that much, because of his attitude towards working and the fact that he thought he was better than most people.

All these years later, that feels like a lifetime ago, and I'm now happily married to my wonderful husband of just over 3 years 😊 we have great marriage and I'm extremely content in that sense. My husband is a lovely, kind and understanding person and makes me so happy. We bought our current house a couple of years ago and although it is a nice house, various things annoying me for example the local boy racers use our road as a race track, which drives me mad sometimes, also the neighbours that we are attached to don't look after their conifers at the front, and I feel like their house being run down makes us look rubbish (apparently I was totally oblivious to this fact when we were viewing the house, but we are all wise after the event aren't we. Lol). Just a few niggly things like that. I have accepted that this as a long-term home for us and we can't really do much to change those things. The most important thing is that it is a home filled with love.

My husband was working away at a conference last week and I was feeling a bit sad and lonely the one evening. I don't live near my hometown anymore, and haven't got any friends around here yet, which doesn't help. I was just sitting there looking at Facebook and was very shocked that I got a friend suggestion of my above-mentioned ex. I have hardly thought about this guy for years, but total curiosity got the better of me and I had a look at his page 🙈 well... All I can say is.... He is a totally different person. Before anyone says it - no I absolutely do not regret splitting up with him.. but I was really shocked at the person he has become, and what he now has. Everything on his page seems to be set to public, and so I was able to see that in the last couple of years he and his now-wife have bought a beautiful detached new build house, and have got a baby daughter. Whereas I am in our house with all the issues it has, and I have got potential fertility issues (my husband and I have not started TTC yet but I have PCOS and it is a great source of anxiety to me, I am trying to get the symptoms more under control before we ttc). Well I'm ashamed to say that this started a spiral of Facebook stalking lol, and I was looking at his wife's page and she has got this really high flying career (I'm just a part time admin person) , and he seems to have progressed a lot in his career. ... And here is the thing...I am so insanely completely and utterly jealous of his house.... It is eating me up!!! I have always dreamed of having one of those new build houses where everything is perfect, anyway he has put a quite a few photos of the house on Facebook and I recognised where it was, not far from where I used to live... I need to try and get over this jealousy, I have cried over this. It seems to be that my mum was right and indeed I did help this guy to grow up when I was with him, and now all these years later he has got it all, and although I have my lovely husband, I am a long way from having a house like my ex's, or having a child. I can't believe that he has overtaken me so much with his life progress. I feel really bitter and horrible like he doesn't deserve what he has got. Looking at her page, and the job that she does, it definitely seems that a big part of how they have managed to get a house like that is because of her job. And I could never have given him that!!

Urgh sorry for venting I think it's just highlights exactly how unhappy I am for my own failures in life, to have got to 37 and be childless, and in a semi-detached house in a very average area, when he has done so much better than me. Please tell me that I am not the only person to ever have felt like this at all? Kick up the backside are appreciated.

You're a bit odd
..i caught honestly say I wouldn't care if my ex was living in a castle or a cardboard box. I wish none of them ill but I don't care to give them a single thought either.

Move on.

Life is more than houses, and money. You know this. Concentrate on what is going on with you xxx

You remember what your relationship was like.

Now step out and look at the couple you were, would you have thought anything was wrong?
Did the picture you paint as a couple perfect?
You give the impression that only you and your mum knew the truth.

Facebook is terrible at making you feel inadequate. No it's not particularly fair that after being such a loser, he's landed on his feet but if he genuinely pulled it together and started working hard, why shouldn't he have some success? He isn't you. He will still have his problems.

The only thing you can do is stay away from searching people online. So your house has issues- honestly every single house has its downsides. Big expensive houses even. Look at the parts of your life you aren't happy with and work on changing them. But having a secure home and partner are two huge things to have which so many don't so it might just be a case of appreciating what you have. And get on with ttc if you want children. There's something called the Whole 30 which can help with pcos. All the info is available for free online.

New build...eeeeeekkk!!
NOTHING to be jealous of there OP.

You're better off. He has to validate himself on FB. You dont.

I wouldn’t be jealous of a new build. Many have so many snags.

Remember Facebook is bragbook, he would never put that he argues with his wife everyday on there or is in debt up to his eyeballs.

Feel proud of the part you played in someone else's achievements.
Feel grateful for the life and love that you have.
Feel optimistic about your future, that will be with a man you respect.

Also at 37 with PCOS, why are you waiting?

I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do, it is galling.

However, he’s probably riding her coat tails and she’s probably fed up of him doing that...‍🤷🏻‍♀️

I also agree that ‘new builds’ are FAR from perfect. Everyone I know that has bought one regrets it. Yes they look fabulous in photos, but they’re full of problems. Your semi detached, solid build is a far better buy.

The main thing though, is that you have a DH that you love & who loves you, not a manchild needing another mummy.

I am curious, I’ll admit, as to why you’re only working PT if you don’t have kids and want more materially,

As an aside, if I were you I’d be getting on with TTC, not waiting until you’ve sorted your PCOS out.

One word. FACEBOOK. OP I know I won't be alone and I am not a big user of FB but what you see is 99% fantasy. Of almost all my FB friends that I know well I know the backstory of their lives and what they post on FB is so far removed fromt he truth it's laughable. It's just a form of indulgent fantasy to take us away from the mundane (or for some the horror) of daily life. There is no reason to believe that this fellas page is any different.
We all know FBer's that post photos of their DH and say shit like "So blessed" when the last time you spoke to her she said he was on Adultwork. Photos of new handbags and shoes when you know the person is up to their neck in debt. It's a totally distortion of reality. When you KNOW the truth of this man, don't let pictures on a screen remove that embedded knowledge whatever you do. that way lies madness. Raise a glass to him. Laugh. Move on with a smile on your face.

You love your husband, your jealousy is more about how you feel about your own achievements. You "only" had an admin job then, you "only" have that now. So do something about it. Your ex had actually bothered to get more qualifications when you met him, even if he wasn't in a rush to use them at that point in his life.
What's stopping you from changing your job, your career, getting qualifications? What do you want to do? It's not too late, do it!

I'm sorry you are feeling like this it must be horrible. I think you need to take a look at where you are and what you are doing to reach your own goals personally and as a couple with your husband. If you hate your house look at a real plan for moving. You also need to learn to live a life where you are happy in the now. You work part time so what can you do to add value and happiness in addition to work.

Sounds as if he has found someone to keep him then!

@needtogetagrip Envy eats at you. Some people are prone to envy, no matter what they have. I’m sure you will get over it shortly, after the surprise has passed. You have a lot to be thankful for; try and look at the positives in what you have rather than what you dislike about your home etc. If it helps, maybe imagine what life would be like if you had stayed with the ex - there is every chance he wouldn’t have changed (since he only seemed to turn his ways around AFTER you broke up!)... I imagine your current life looks much more attractive straightaway?

People who are secure in their lives don't post everything on fb.
Do you feel the need to post how much you love your husband?
Car?
House?

You don't know from a few picture what the reality is, but you can use your feelings to change things in your own life. I think jealousy is great as it indicates to you what you really want, which you may not have realised you wanted before. So now you can with a passion work towards:

• selling up and buying a new build (yes, really! Why not, if it is what you always wanted?)
• getting pregnant
• think about your job, whether you want to change it, how that would work if you did get pregnant

Jealousy can be great!

I guess you feel like you put all your energy in this guy ans the relationship back in the days and he reaped the benefits alone.

I don’t blame you op. My mother left my father after 18 years of being patient with his career decisions, homeless and so on. She used her own money and her dads home to support him until he managed to build his career..

18 years later, she left him. Because he wasn’t treating her right. And he blamed it on the stresses of his career.

Doesn’t help that they were buying a house together abroad and my mum was too sensitive to his ego to demand he puts her name on it.

When they divorced, he moved to the county where the house is. Complicated divorce meant that mum decided to let go of her rights and not claim.

He met this lady and married her, she lives at home chilling as a SAHM to a 10 year old now. The house turned out amazing (we saved up for it for years), and my dad has a blooming career (my mum wrote his thesis and taught him English). My mum ended up with nothing. Even though he had sucked out his success from her.

So yeh, I’m insanely angry every time I’m reminded of it. I wouldn’t say I’m jealous, even though that’s how they’re seeing it.

But the lesson we all learnt is, next time don’t invest in something at your own expense. And that relationships aren’t a charity, you need to be both benefiting from it.

Perhaps you can take that from that relationship as a way to grow ? As a person?

You are not wrong from feeling how you feel.

I don’t think you are jealous because you aren’t referring to the guys relationship with his wife.. just how he built his character as a husband, something that was probably your dream when you were with him battling through the negativity of having to be with a slob.

When you ended the relationship you ended it with the man he was. And now you are seeing the version of the man you wanted him to be.

But in reality, in this dynamic there is :

A man
A wife /child
A marriage

You ended things with him because you wanted something that works better for you as a bigger package. His attitude of superiority doesn’t sound very tolerable. I’m sure him as a person didn’t change that much, despite his circumstances.

And I’m not sure how much his wife has contributed to this life he has right now and what dynamic it is , she might be resentful..

And you don’t know what their marriage is like..

But more importantly, things didn’t work out because it wasn’t for you, as a whole package. It wasn’t just his career I’m sure. And it wasn’t going to work out. Probably he was the type to rely on your kindness and needed someone to kick him up the backside. Perhaps he was just too young and needed time to mature..

You need to try to find it in you to make peace and wish him good luck and not compare.. your life sounds lovely.

Do something about TTc if it means a lot to u.

Facebook is bollocks. My old NDN posted a selfie of them drinking champagne captioned 'date night with my love 😍' not 5 minutes before they'd been screaming at eachother, 5 minutes after they were rowing over a person who'd liked the photo and he stormed out the house. All the comments were 'you two are the cutest' etc.

Same woman has now moved house and posts about being a 'boss' and slagging off people on benefits, yet I've had bailiffs knock on twice looking for her since she moved!

Social media is bullshit, focus on your own career then you can improve your own life.

For a start you need to stop looking him and his wife up,how do you think your poor DH would feel if he knew you'd been looking up an ex and was crying?!

I'm not saying your interested in him in that way but you wouldn't be able to blame your DH if he saw it that way would you.

I agree with the PP's that he's more than likely got where he is because of his wife,just like you were the one who bolstered him when you were together,I bet that hasn't changed!

Also didn't you say that he was older than you?If he was then he's had that many more years to get to where he is,so he's had a headstart on you.

With the PCOS,I also have that and I don't know what symptoms you want to get under controll before you have a baby but please don't let it hold you back if you really want children,myself and 2 of my friends all have PCOS and we've all had children and I know it's not the same for everyone but usually going for it rather than waiting untill everything is perfect is the better option.

With where you live forget about the neighbours garden I bet it makes your garden look nicer and there's no point in worrying about things you can't change because that really is a waste of your time and energy.
But you can do something about the boy racers,find out who your local pcso is and have a word with them,if you can get some neighbours onside even better but if not think about buying a cheap camera so if they don't catch them in the act at least you have a recording you can show them and there's every chance at least some of them will be known by the local Police.

wetdressinggownsleveI have an old school friend that uses that caption "date night"whilst drinking champagne but I know it's not her because of the slagging other people off but I was really worried when I read that first line about the screaming because I really don't like her husband,he gives off really nasty vibes.

I am always highly suspicious of people that feel the need to publicly lay out their lives and material goods on FB. To me, it says they're either a bit insecure and need a lot of public affirmation (needy) or they've got way too much time on their hands. I think YABU and need to stop this matter chewing you up OP. You have your own good life and agenda which would no doubt be the envy of many. Let it go.

People don't really change.

Like PP said, most of us look shiny on Facebook but the reality is distinctly different. If my exes looked me up on Facebook they'd see a strong confident woman with healthy children and a great career. I never post personal stuff like my challenges with mental health, the manager who bullied me, my son's difficulties at school - because that's private. On Facebook I'm living the dream, not because I lie but because I only tell half the story.

Also, as many PP said, people don't change much. Your ex is undoubtedly still a cocklodger.

Own your choices, stop looking back - and at facebook/other people - and find something more absorbing to fill your present and ease your anxieties. Never mind the ex, I couldn't even be arsed about neighbour's conifers. There really is more to life, as I'm sure you know from your name. You know it, but you need to action it. Stop dwelling and do stuff.

ohtheholidays defo not the same couple, they weren't married and have now split up I believe according to fb