That DH is not in yet

[Sleeplessworries]

Spent the whole day at pub with work and still not back.

I'd worry myself sick if DH said he'd be back by 8 then didn't show up for hours. But that may be because he's never done something like that. He's really considerate.

I’m inclined to think it’s often just untreated anxiety and some aspect of control @LASH38. That’s what usually comes across on these threads.

You get hysteria about how people would involve the police if their husband wasn’t back by midnight on a night out and hadn’t texted. And lots of claims about ‘respect’ that suggest quite a lot of people just have a problem with their partner going out.

I know someone whose wife insists that he texts all night (every 30 mins). And she insists he comes home early. It’s an untreated anxiety issue that manifests as controlling her husband’s behaviour. He’s usually doing something quite dull with some equally dull men, and they’re all back by midnight. But he has to leave early every time.

Yes I agree that I think it's more about the OP being told a time and then left wondering. If it's a late night it's always a worry that if you cannot get hold of them, you worry something has happened.

Updates are the key and he didn't provide her with them. My other half sends me a text if he is going to be later than planned and gives a new time. If he gets close to that, he will do the same again.

I don’t think it’s about being a ‘cool wife’

It definitely isn’t.

I’m fairly sure that people with partners like this (and it’s not just women who do it) say they’ll be back at is that they’d never get out if they just said, ‘I have no idea when I’ll be back. Don’t wait up.’

Tbh, I wouldn’t ‘wait up’ for a grown man anyway. Especially one who is just is the pub.

Updates are the key and he didn't provide her with them. My other half sends me a text if he is going to be later than planned and gives a new time. If he gets close to that, he will do the same again.

Why? What exactly do you think us going to happen?

It’s someone on a Christmas night out in the town/city you live in. Not someone going mountain climbing.

FFS it isn't about being controlling

Maybe most of you are used to having partners who do this, but OH and I just don't. Yes, we go out, yes, we go away without each other - I have just been away for the weekend without my husband, but what I don't do is tell him I am going to be home at 8, then nott let him know I will be much later.

Maybe I am old fashioned, but I just wouldn't do this to him because I am am considerate and respectful. And he would do the same. He would just worry about me, and I would worry that he had been taken ill (he does have some potentially serious health issues).

And where in the OP does it say that it was a Christmas do?

He had been out all day with workmates.
Said he would be back at 8 didnt get in till 2.30.
How much freaking drink does one person need in a day?

Op was worried and annoyed. It's perfectly natural when someone is 4.5 hours later than arranged then rocks up making a noise 6.5 hrs later than.promised.

Disrespectful doesnt come close. Why bother saying at 10.30 he would be home soon then stay out another 4 hours?
Yes he is an adult but no adult needs to be drinking all day and into wee small hours to have 'fun'. If you plan on doing that just be bloody honest and say so. Dont string someone along with promises you have no intention of keeping. Or let them know plans have changed and you will be late home. It doesnt take much gumption to just let your oh know.

If her oh was out in a major city there are all sorts of things that could go wrong these days especially when missing last trains. Or even getting a train home when legless. If he was 5 minutes away at his local its totally different.

Expecting honesty and decency from your oh seems to be in the minority these days.

The OP's H was out drinking all day so obviously pissed, he spoke to her at 10.30 and said he'd be back soon. I would have taken that with a pinch of salt and gone to bed. He's an adult, if he misses the last train home and has a hangover the next day it's his problem. No way would I be up at midnight worrying about him.

After OP s last update (which I totally sympathise with) I want to know if her dh made it to work today?

I am more the happy for a fictional OH to go out. Have at ‘er. Just let me know as I worry. I would let him know I would expect the same back. Drinking with the boys and don’t expect to be home until 2 am, Great! Don’t wake me up🤪. Not home by three, at that time of the night depending on the area you went and transportation where I live I would start to worry especially with no update and no response

"If you plan on doing that just be bloody honest and say so. Dont string someone along with promises you have no intention of keeping. Or let them know plans have changed and you will be late home. It doesnt take much gumption to just let your oh know."

This ^^

"Expecting honesty and decency from your oh seems to be in the minority these days."

I agree. Most of the posters on this thread seem to have low expectations of their partners.

I doubt though that anyone that has been drinking all day has the capacity to keep updating their OH tbh. This H did keep in touch tbf at 10.30 but obviously was that shitfaced he let time run away.

DP and I both update each other when we're out later than planned. It works for us but I guess we're just control freaks with huge anxiety issues

Nah, I don’t have low expectations, different maybe.

If I’ve gone out I don’t expect to give or have requests for regular updates and therefore give the same courtesy. It’s normal in my (15 year marriage) to have ‘I’m going to x with y, it’ll be a late one’.

Either one of us might send a ‘you good?’ text if it’s really late but that’s it.

However as I said above, I think there’s often something behind situations like the OPs, I’m not sure I’d feel differently if my husband was coming home totally pissed/skint every week, left all the wifework to me and generally didn’t give me the same freedoms.
If that was the case I wouldn’t be with him anyway.

We update but there have certainly been times when we’ve been too pissed to think about it, on both sides. Christmas parties when you have all day ones with boozy colleagues you love the company of are brilliant. I wish I still had them

Hope back op. Depends dh last week had a xmas thing at work, phone was dying (needs no phone as doesnt keep charge) so phoned me at 10 saying he was hoping to get out in next few minutes. Phone died during conversation. He turned up at 12.25 am having spent most of the time since 10.15 sitting on a train which didnt move till 12.

I think when a bloke who's been in the pub all day phones home pissed at 10:30 and utters the immortal line "I'm leaving in a minute, love", there's no need to be fretting and posting on MN at half past midnight.

Actually one thing my DH does do rougyou twice a year that mildly fucks me off is:
my phone rings after midnight:
DH: IM IN THE KEBAB/CHICKEN SHOP, DO YOU WANT ANYTHING? HAD A GREAT NIGHT AND NO IM NOT DRUNK JUST TIPSY.
OH SHIT ITS X O’CLOCK DID I WAKE YOU UP

When DH and I first got together I said to him not to give me a time for coming home, as he's a grown adult and no other half should be clock watching or worrying etc. etc.

However, I also said that if he did foolishly tell me he would be in by say 4am, if he wasn't in by 4.05, I would be calling the police.

In 20 years, I haven't had to call the police yet (famous last words!).

I hasten to add he hasn't had to call the police either - works both ways!

Op I hope you got up at 6am and made as much noise as possible . Christmas music full volume and decide to hand wash every pan in the house whole drumming on them

I never ask, text, ring, care. I just go to bed. The likelihood of them being in an accident is v low. Let 'em have fun occasionally!

"If I’ve gone out I don’t expect to give or have requests for regular updates and therefore give the same courtesy. It’s normal in my (15 year marriage) to have ‘I’m going to x with y, it’ll be a late one’"

Neither do I. I tend just to tell OH that I will be on the last train for example (and I will be on the last train unless it is cancelled). We rarely text each other when out, but I would let OH know if I was going to be over four hours later than I said I would be, because OH would worry as it would be completely out of character for me to do that.

@LASH

'Thanks for letting me know.
I'll be locking the front door when I go to bed X'

I would not like to give a time that I had to stick to and be clock watching for why should men?

Him saying 8 is just rediculously early but probably avoiding the nag. It’s not being a “cool wife” to expect your husband will be out late if he’s at a social event !!!