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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage sisters- do they socialise together.

81 replies

Realjournal123 · 03/12/2018 22:29

Am I being unreasonable to want my two teenage daughters to want to go out with friends together. It's the eldests 15th birthday coming up and she wants to go to a fancy restaurant instead of the usual movies and dinner etc. It's quite an expensive evening and I just presumed that my younger daughter of 13 would go. The younger one doesn't have many friends at the moment and at weekends finds herself being with her dad and me which I know she finds a bit boring, whilst the other dd is often out with her friends during the day(weekends). I could tell that she didn't want her younger sister to be at the dinner and has asked her if she still wants to go. This has made the younger 13 year old feel awkward and now says she doesn't want to attend. The elder daughter says it's awkward as she doesn't feel like she will fit in. We have just had a heated discussion because I'm maintaining that it's normal to invite your sister ( they are 20 months apart) to your birthday but she's a stubborn monkey and quite obviously doesn't want her there. I've told her that she's selfish and unkind to not want her there. What does everyone else think? AIBU?

OP posts:
YoThePussy · 03/12/2018 23:44

There is a 20 month gap between my older sister and I. Maybe we weren’t great party girls but I don’t remember an issue with either latching on to the other. Special parties yes we were expected to have the other there and they would be allowed to ask a friend of theirs too.

I always felt we were not joined at the hip and should not expect to muscle in on the others fun. If one wante to include the other then fine, otherwise tough.

notangelinajolie · 03/12/2018 23:47

Well I have three DD's (teens/early 20's) and getting them to sit in the same room would be a miracle.

I don't think YABU to want your DD's to socialise/be friends. I would love nothing more for mine to be close but I don't think it is ever going to happen. When they were little they were inseparable and now apart from sharing the same genes it seems they have nothing whatsoever in common. It makes me feel incredibly sad and I feel such a failure as a mum that they aren't close but I can't force them to want to share air space so I just have had to let it go.

Many posters have said they have grown closer to their sisters as they have grown older so I hope this happens for yours (and mine). I don't have a sister so I don't have any experiences to draw from but growing up I did have a best friend and she and her sister were inseparable and I still remember being envious of that closeness and making a wish that one day I would have daughters who shared that kind of bond. It hasn't happened … yet. I live in hope Smile

ID81241 · 04/12/2018 02:13

Then what's your problem OP if they're close and socialise together as sisters? Just because they socialise together as sisters doesn't mean they'll do so as friends until they're a bit older. I have 2 sisters and there's a 2 year gap between all of us (So 4 years from oldest to youngest)... we hung out as sisters a lot and with our friends while we were under 12 maybe. Once I was a teenager my family and friends were strictly separate. But I relaxed when I'd gone to uni I started inviting my sisters to hang out with my friends . And now we share so many friends that it's hard to remember who was friends with someone first. But this was OUR choice and only came later as we matured... not forced on us as teenagers. It's important to give teenagers a sense of independence... at that age younger sisters are very embarrassing.

ID81241 · 04/12/2018 02:29

@notangelinajolie I think it'll happen give it time. I think your daughters will soon see each other's usefulness (they share the same unique upbringing and that will never change/ no friend can offer that) but it might take the eldest to break the ice since she has probably set the tone. I'm only just now in my late 20s getting very close to my youngest sister!

EmpressAdultHumanFemale · 04/12/2018 02:39

My sister & I have a four year gap & we're really close now, but it didn't even start to happen until I left for university. If our parents had tried to force it I'd have resented them.

agnurse · 04/12/2018 06:08

YABVU.

Let's look at how I was in high school. My sister (18 months younger) had FAR more friends than I had. Would it have been okay if our mum had insisted that she take ME along when she and her friends went out?

Your DD1's friends are 2 years older than your DD2. It is not your daughter's job to make sure her sister feels comfortable socially.

Let's imagine your children are much younger - DD1 in Y2 and DD2 in Reception. Would it be reasonable to say "Now, DD1, you need to introduce your sister to her teachers, show her around the school, play with her at recess, make sure she makes friends, and help her do well at school." Would that be reasonable? Of course not! That's not her job! That's YOUR job as a parent. Or how about this. DD1 has nicer clothes than DD2, so you tell DD1 that DD2 is going to be sharing all of DD1's clothes. Is that reasonable?

If your DD2 is feeling socially awkward and doesn't have many friends, can YOU look into some activities in your area for girls her age?

Squirrelblanket · 04/12/2018 06:46

You are being unreasonable. It's not fair to expect your older daughter to have to invite her younger sister out when she spends time with her friends. Time with friends is totally different to family and your daughter needs her own space to grow. You need to find a different way of addressing your younger daughter's confidence issues. And just be happy that they get along and live each other.

I am the elder sister (15 months) and hated my sister hanging out with me and my friends when we were this age. It just changes things and I felt like I wanted something that was just mine. As adults we are extremely close and share the same friendship group so it doesn't mean that this won't ever happen for your daughters too.

Squirrelblanket · 04/12/2018 06:46

*love

autumnboys · 04/12/2018 06:52

My boys have just turned 13 &15 and no, they did not attend one another’s birthday nights out. They get on well, do quite a bit together, but didn’t want to take one another out with their friends. I think insisting on including would have been counter productive in the long term.

Nodancingshoes · 04/12/2018 06:59

Me and my sister pretty much hated each other as teens...we were 2 years apart, me being the youngest. my mum used to make my sister take me on outings with her friends to swimming or the cinema. She used to throw almighty strops about it and make me walk 10 paces behind them...😂🤣

Nodancingshoes · 04/12/2018 07:01

We are best friends how btw but that didn't happen until well into our 20's

Fantail · 04/12/2018 07:07

My sister and I are very different people. We are there for each other when it matters, but we wouldn’t be friends if we weren’t sisters.

I think this is entirely ok and it’s actually reasonable to have boundaries like that.

BarbedBloom · 04/12/2018 07:11

YABU. One daughter isn’t responsible for the friendship issues of the other. My brother was more popular than I was and I never would have expected me to take me out with him. You will just cause resentment. You need to find ways for your younger daughter to build her confidence.

PookieDo · 04/12/2018 07:17

mine are 14 and 16 one school year apart. They have some of the same friends and do hang out together sometimes at School or in the house. They may do things together like shopping or cinema just the 2 of them and they went to a concert together this year

But no neither of them would invite the other to a birthday event like a dinner with their mates and would hate me for trying to force it!

PumpkinKitty82 · 04/12/2018 07:25

YABU, my sister and I rarely hung out together as teens . We are different people and I had my friends and she had hers .
I’d really resent my mum forcing us together

Blanchedupetitpois · 04/12/2018 07:33

15 and 13 is tricky - once they’re 17 and 15 they’ll probably be more keen to hang out together, but at the moment your 13yo is still more child than teen. I wouldn’t foist her on her older sister. It’s not fair on the 15yo, and the 13yo will feel awkward and probably left out.

GeorgeTheHippo · 04/12/2018 07:42

No - not the birthday meal, it will spoil it and the younger girl will feel awkward anyway. Don't force it.

You can ask the elder to take the younger out shopping or involve her when they are both at an event. But you can't co opt your elder daughter's friend for your younger, you will have to help her make her own arrangements.

Tinkety · 04/12/2018 07:48

OP, this happened in my friendship group when I was a teenager. We were a close group of 6 & my friend’s mum, used to force her to bring her younger sister (same age gap as your children) on our outings. The sister was nice enough & we got on with her but it completely changed the group dynamic when she was there, we could no longer talk about boys, meet up with boys, talk about sex etc. We also had to change what we were doing so instead of seeing the latest 15 rated film, we were all forced to see a 12 film. We asked our friend not to bring her sister along but her mum forced the issue (her mum expected us to accept her sister as part of our group just because we were nice to her when we saw her in passing).

In the end, we started inviting this friend out with us less & less, not because we didn’t like her anymore but because we didn’t want her sister tagging along, who again was nice enough but she wasn’t our friend & we resented being “forced” to hang out with her. Unfortunately that meant my friend ended up becoming more & more socially isolated.

StarsHollow123 · 04/12/2018 07:53

I think you've been very unkind to your Dd1. She's obviously a nice DSis as you say they get on well normally but it's also perfectly acceptable at 15 to want to have some time with just her friends.

I think you need to apologise to DD1 for turning her birthday meal into a shouting match and calling her unpleasant names Hmm and explain to DD2 that you were wrong in this situation and it's perfectly normal to want some just friends time at 15 and doesn't mean her DSis doesn't like her.

Focus your efforts on making sure DD1 has a great birthday (without a dose of guilt from you) and help dd2 to build social skills. Possibly encourage her to take up a new hobby where she can make some friends of her own.

Waggily · 04/12/2018 08:08

I’m a twin and there's No way me and my sister would have attended each other’s birthday outing at 15. We had completely different friends and it would have been weird and awkward for everyone. It doesn’t mean we’re not close, then or now, but that we had separate lives, which is a really good thing.

Could you see if your younger daughter might like to invite some children in her year out for dinner and try and help her social life that way instead of forcing her on your older daughter?

HalfBloodPrincess · 04/12/2018 08:14

I have 3 sisters, all born within 5 years of the other (I’m the eldest)

Socialising together by choice didn’t happen until we were in our 20s.

I used to hate it as a teen though. I can remember wanting to go to the under 18 night at a nightclub but my mum made me wait until I was 14 (even though my friends all went) then when I was finally allowed to go, she made me take my sister who was a year younger. I can remember thinking how unfair it was that I’d had to wait! Doesn’t really matter now but to a teennit was the biggest deal ever!

Funnily enough my Dd is 15, her brother almost 14, and they go out a lot together, have mixed friend groups

ghostsandghoulies · 04/12/2018 08:20

At school kids are conditioned to only hang out with kids who are in their age group so hanging out with someone 2 years apart is "strange". It's not like when you're under 10 and it's normal to hang out with your friends and their siblings at half-term.

Sisters can be close but have their own lives. You are basically asking dd1 to make up for dd2's lack of friends. It can't be fun for dd2 to get pity invites with dd1 and for dd1 to not have a few hours without her sister. They are family but distinct individuals.

Is there anything you can do to help dd2's friend situation? Once she is sorted, I suspect that dd2 won't want to tag along dd1's outings.

Joinourclub · 04/12/2018 08:25

I think you are being very unfair to your 15 year old. Her sister is not her responsibility. Especially on her birthday! Calling her selfish for not wanting her little sister to tag along with her friends on her birthday is very mean. I know you feel bad about your youngest having few friends, but it’s not fair to pass the responsibility if that on To your eldest.

Conventicle · 04/12/2018 08:39

And sometimes sisters aren't close, OP, and you need to be OK with that. too. I simply don't like my next sister that much, and while I'm fond of the younger one, she's a very ranty, tempestuous personality, and we've lived in different countries almost all our lives, and made very different choices.

I agree with others that you should apologise profusely for expecting your elder daughter to make up for your younger daughter's lack of social life, especially on a special occasion, and pressuring her when she was understandably not keen. Regardless of the fancy restaurant bringing her little sister cannot and should not be the price of her birthday meal they're not joined at the hip, and it was unfair of you to call the older 'selfish and 'unkind'.

noffink · 04/12/2018 08:41

I'm 20 months apart from my sister. We are very close, talk all the time on the phone. She's one of my best friends but we have very rarely socialised together.

If she was to be invited it should come from your eldest, freely. Not a heated discussion. They aren't 5!