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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage sisters- do they socialise together.

81 replies

Realjournal123 · 03/12/2018 22:29

Am I being unreasonable to want my two teenage daughters to want to go out with friends together. It's the eldests 15th birthday coming up and she wants to go to a fancy restaurant instead of the usual movies and dinner etc. It's quite an expensive evening and I just presumed that my younger daughter of 13 would go. The younger one doesn't have many friends at the moment and at weekends finds herself being with her dad and me which I know she finds a bit boring, whilst the other dd is often out with her friends during the day(weekends). I could tell that she didn't want her younger sister to be at the dinner and has asked her if she still wants to go. This has made the younger 13 year old feel awkward and now says she doesn't want to attend. The elder daughter says it's awkward as she doesn't feel like she will fit in. We have just had a heated discussion because I'm maintaining that it's normal to invite your sister ( they are 20 months apart) to your birthday but she's a stubborn monkey and quite obviously doesn't want her there. I've told her that she's selfish and unkind to not want her there. What does everyone else think? AIBU?

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 03/12/2018 22:58

YABU. Similar age gap between me and my sister, I would not have voluntarily spent time with her at that age.

Jezzifishie · 03/12/2018 23:01

Wouldn't it just be awkward for the younger sibling to be there? I've known parties where younger child has brought a friend along, but not where they're just expected to sit on their own. The older girls won't want her there.

Girlfrommars77 · 03/12/2018 23:01

YABVU. They will have totally separate friends and will both feel awkward. I’m a younger sister with small age gap and would’ve hated this (we get on famously now tho)

Floralnomad · 03/12/2018 23:02

YABU , they should only be spending time together if they both choose to do so . My dsis and I are 17 months apart and we always went out together but we had similar interests etc .

riotlady · 03/12/2018 23:02

YABU.
If they want to socialise together, that’s awesome (and they probably will by their late teens/early twenties) but you can’t force it

BackforGood · 03/12/2018 23:04

YAB V U
You cannot expect a 15 yr old out with her friends, to be inviting her sister from 2 school years below to be there too. There is a massive difference between Yr10 and Yr8s.

Once they've left home, for University, then my older two have become friends / started mixing together, but prior to that, they did not hang out together. dc3 (though she is now 17) isn't invited to places with the older 2 either.

Original poster
Realjournal123 · 03/12/2018 23:09

Just to add, they are very close and love each other very much which is why I don't like the way she never invites her younger sis to anything where her friends are involved. Not even to the movies. My 13 yr old is very mature and likeable and gets along well with her sister's friends. I just feel bad for her not being around kids her own age or similar out of school. She is feeling socially awkward at the moment and has told me so. I want her sister to be more supportive and to give her the confidence she needs. I thought this would be a step in the right direction, but I'm obviously wrong.

OP posts:
PiperPublickOccurrences · 03/12/2018 23:09

Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you're going to get on with them.

Totally unreasonable to expect a 15 year old to be OK with a 13 year old little sister cramping her style with her mates.

GotThatWhatWhat · 03/12/2018 23:09

wasn't related to her? If not, then does that mean you expect her sister to look after her?

I don't think it's fair on her sister who I don't feel is being unkind or selfish.

At 15 it's very normal and healthy to want to have an identity outside the family unit.

20 months is a lot in terms of emotional development at that age.

It's not really fair on her friend either - they want to have fun together - not have to take turns looking out 13-year-old - which is surely what will happen.

Also echo pps and say that it is unfair to expect the 15-year-old to take on the responsibility for her sister's issues around friends - at any time, but especially on her one night of the year.

And I also think it's kind of normal for a 13-year-old to spend most of their time at home at weekends!

cleanhousewastedlife · 03/12/2018 23:10

My mother is STILL trying to get my sister and I to be friends. If she wasn't always forcing the issue I might be tempted to think about it, but I can't stand the blackmail. We are two very different people and the only thing we have in common is our family. (We're both in our 40s btw.) let them ignore each other if you ever want them to build a meaningful relationship l.

MinecraftHolmes · 03/12/2018 23:13

I have a 2 year gap with my younger sister and would have sooner chewed off my arm than had her tag along with me and my friends. I’m sure she would have felt the same.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 03/12/2018 23:14

Not only are you being unreasonable, you are likely to achieve the opposite of what you want. It is a daft idea.
It definitely will not improve your 15 year old’s relationship with her younger sister to insist that she is included.

BackforGood · 03/12/2018 23:14

It's not your dd1's responsibility to have her little sister tagging along with her.

Why doesn't dd2 have her own friends ?
Apart from school, what does she do ? What does she belong to ? How does she meet people from whom she might potentially form more friendships ? dd2's friendships are dd2's responsibility. Potentially facilitated by you as her parents, not her sister's.

LeslieKnopefan · 03/12/2018 23:14

I recently found a video of my 15th birthday.

I had friends round and we were all giggling and dancing and eating snack food.

I was obviously forced to have my 12 year old sister there too, she sits in the corner quietly and then later on we snipe at each other til she sticks her tongue out at me and stomps out.

We think it's hilarious now of course but no we weren't close as teenagers - really not that close til into our 20s but now into our 30s and best mates.

Miscible · 03/12/2018 23:16

Can't you remember when you were that age the major gulf that there was between kids in Year 8 and those in Year 10? It just isn't fair on either of them to force them into each other's company, particularly when out with their friends.

Enko · 03/12/2018 23:16

Mine started socialising when they were about 15 and 17 however they were always close. Birthday parties though are usually birthday person and friends

RCohle · 03/12/2018 23:17

If your younger daughter feels socially awkward I think forcing her attendance at a party where she is unwelcome may dent her confidence further. Maybe you should trust your older daughter's judgment that her younger sister won't fit in.

You can't force the nature of your children's relationship. It will just cause resentment on both sides. Clearly your handling of this has caused upset for both sisters already - I would let it drop. Let the eldest celebrate her birthday as she chooses and have an enjoyable evening in with the younger.

As an aside if your younger daughter is mature and likeable, are you sure that she's not perfectly happy being more of a homebody? It sounds like a lot of the concern about her being bored/lonely is coming from you, not her.

BlimeyCalmDown · 03/12/2018 23:17

YABVU

Instead find a way for you to support the younger one in making her own friends, it's not her sister's role - if anyones, it's yours I'd say. Especially on her birthday of all days....

Seren85 · 03/12/2018 23:18

There are three years between my sister and me, I'm the eldest. I do think you're BU. There is such a huge difference between age groups even a year or two apart during the teen years. I'd have hated having her tagging along and terrified to chat openly with my mates about totally normal things 15yr olds talk about in front of her. Our parents never forced us to socialise outside of family occasions and we weren't particularly close during the teen years. She's my best friend and favourite person to have too much wine with now but that didn't start happen until she was about 17 and stated asking my advice about things and we started to hang out by choice and share friendship groups once she was early 20s.

GotThatWhatWhat · 03/12/2018 23:20

Ooops missed the top off my post for some reason...

I meant to start with -

Would you think it normal, and would you let your 13-year-old go to the birthday party of a 15-year-old who wasn't related to her?

With a group of their 15-year-old friends

If not, then does that mean you expect her sister to look after her?

Was eldest going out to meals with 15-year-olds when she was 13?

It's hard enough for a 15-year-old to manager their own friendships and their own emotional development - it really fells like it's unfair and too much to expect them to take responsibility for their kid sister's.

Be kind to her.

Witchend · 03/12/2018 23:21

Not unless you want them to resent each other and want to socialise less

Angharad07 · 03/12/2018 23:25

It’s not fair to put the burden of your 13 year old’s happiness on the shoulders of a 15 year old. It may end up with her constantly feeling guilty for perhaps ever having better success than her sister (not saying she’s more successful- using success in the hypothetical sense). They have different lives and are allowed to. I’m saying this as someone who wasn’t popular and quite lonely at times when I was 13. Your eldest’s friends are not necessarily the answer. You need to help her develop her own friendships, if it’s something that bothers her.

Runworkeatsleeprepeat · 03/12/2018 23:33

I have soon to be 14 year old twin boys and this is the first year they won't be at each others birthday events as they don't share friends really anymore. It makes me sad but I'm not going to force them to do stuff together. They have said they wouldn't choose to be friends if they weren't brothers.

TheSmallAssassin · 03/12/2018 23:41

I hope, after seeing everyone here think you are unreasonable, that you apologise to your older daughter for calling her selfish and unkind. You have handled this the wrong way, so please make amends to her and let her celebrate her birthday with the people she chooses.

SpoonBlender · 03/12/2018 23:44

15 and 13 are too far apart across the puberty divide. They'll be 16-18 before they can be close again, going by my extended family set of experience.

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