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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be creeped out by BJJ tournament?

62 replies

FoxieFoxton9 · 03/12/2018 22:22

17 year old DD took up Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu last winter and is loving it. Great physical activity twice a week, excellent trainer, good boost to her self esteem and self confidence, a generally nice set of young men and women who train at the club. So far so good. She has her first tournament on Saturday, albeit a small local one and I have encouraged her to apply. Went to register her and get the paperwork signed this evening only to be told that she is so far the only girl who has registered and if she takes part she'll only participate in an "open" category against men. AIBU to think it's creepy for young men and a 17 year old to fight together in a sport like BJJ? I pretended that I'd forgotten her passport in order to bide some time and go home and think about it and discuss it with her. She's apparently "fine" with it but I think a) it's fighting, not training, and therefore young men will be encouraged to be violent to a young woman; b) it has the potential for inappropriate touching and harassment. According to my DD I'm "over analyzing" it and "no one thinks about that when they're fighting".

OP posts:
FrazzyAndFrumpled · 03/12/2018 22:25

I think YABU, it’s up to her. If there are no other females signed up to compete, should she miss out on the chance to compete or have the opportunity to willingly compete against a male? I doubt they’re actually in it to hurt each other, it’s only a sport.

CrookedMe · 03/12/2018 22:30

Why is it creepy? If they're fighting in a tournament I'm not sure how harassment comes into it. Won't they be in public view?

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2018 22:34

Yabvu and batty, why is it creepy. Better than her not taking part.

Hellywelly10 · 03/12/2018 22:34

I dont think i would be happy about my daughter doing this i would worry she would get hurt or groped.

Sethis · 03/12/2018 22:37

I think a) it's fighting, not training, and therefore young men will be encouraged to be violent to a young woman; b) it has the potential for inappropriate touching and harassment.

So the men fighting each other will be encouraged to be violent towards other men?

And presumably the women fighting other women will be encouraged to be violent towards other women?

Or is it only when two different genders fight that you consider a martial arts competition to be an encouragement towards violent behaviour?

With regards to inappropriate touching, they're grappling, not copping a feel. Assuming your daughter is fighting someone of equal skill, if they try to grab a handful of ass or boob then they'll very quickly find themselves locked and tapping out. You don't have the leisure to have hands wandering at will when you're fighting someone. Plus the judges, spectators and other entrants will take an extremely dim view.

With regards to harassment, most trainers are extremely fast to tackle anything that even remotely looks like sexism, because women make up a high number of their clients, and they stand to lose large quantities of money if they alienate them, to say nothing of being decent human beings in the first place.

YANBU to worry, but I think that's gut emotion, not logic, speaking.

You would be extremely unreasonable not to let her take part, or to do anything other than encourage her in her sport.

Jenala · 03/12/2018 22:41

What Sethis said.

Threadastaire · 03/12/2018 22:42

I do this sport, though I don't compete. There's nothing wrong or unusual with training with males (you get very up close and personal, but it's the least sexy thing ever, and the most annoying thing is when boys are so freaked out about accidental groping that they're scared to do anything)
However it would be extremely unusual to fight with males at 17, due to the strength difference, have you checked this out OP?
Usually if there's no one in your category you have the option of a refund or entering the 'absolutes' which is an open weight category but it's still single gender.

BJJ is a great sport but it is combat and strength helps, so pitching male Vs female would be pretty exceptional (once past the little kids stage)

Sethis · 03/12/2018 22:43

With regards to the "fighting, not training" part - it's extremely important that your daughter doesn't just know the techniques, but that she can also apply the techniques to complete strangers quickly, efficiently, and trying as hard as humanly possible to win.

If she's not able to do this, she may as well take up skipping for all the practical use her BJJ will be for defence.

It's a martial art. It's a fighting system. If you spend 100% of your time fighting at 80% of your capacity, you'll only have experience of 80% capacity when the time comes to defend yourself in real life.

Sadly, in real life, her assailant will probably be male. Do you want to risk her not being skilled enough so that she fails to fight off a rapist, or abusive partner? Because she practiced at 80% the whole time, and never, ever took it to 100%? Her attacker certainly won't be holding back.

Sparring is helpful and useful for certain things, however competitive fights are essential if you want to actually be able to protect yourself effectively. For that reason alone I'd let her do it.

Johnnyfinland · 03/12/2018 22:46

Wtf? That’s a bizarre attitude you’ve got there. So is skydiving also creepy because you’re strapped to the instructor and they might be male? Is fencing creepy because a male opponent could jab you in the fanny? Where do you draw the line?

SaucyJack · 03/12/2018 22:47

“I think a) it's fighting, not training, and therefore young men will be encouraged to be violent to a young woman;”

Well, yeah. That’s the point of contact sparring.

Your DD has a choice to enter, or not. If she enters of her own free will, and with full awareness that all the other competitors are male, then it’s very unfair of you to expect them all* to dumb it down and play nicely just because she’s a girl.

*her included btw. She might be the next Cris Cyborg for all I know, and fully capable of holding her own.

HostessTrolley · 03/12/2018 22:48

Yabu. She’ll be training with guys all the time. The competition will be about scoring the point, not about hurting or being violent towards the opponent - that kind of behaviour is against the etiquette of the sport and is frowned upon.

IME (daughter competes in martial art) the guys are more likely to be wary of the girls than trying to cop a feel. The number of guys looking uncomfortable/sheepish when my daughter pinned them down with her legs round their neck far outnumbered anything the other way round. They see each other as training partners and develop more of a sibling relationship within the sport than anything dodgy.

I’d be more concerned about boys of a similar age and weight having a natural strength advantage than girls of the same age than trying to read something sexually motivated into the sport.

forkinghellmate · 03/12/2018 22:49

So glad you added the last “J” to your title 🙈

YANBU to worry but I don’t think it’s creepy.

As a pp said, are you sure at 17 they’d fight each other?

pigsinarow · 03/12/2018 22:50

YABridiculouslyU. Groping?!!! In a competition in a room full of people watching?! You really think men would train in this discipline, enter a competition, hope that a lone female would also enter and hope that they get drawn against said female... all so that they can have a grope.

I’m literally agog at this!

StuckSoutherner · 03/12/2018 22:53

YABU. This isn't encouraging men to be violent to women, it's encouraging one athlete to bring out the best in another and vice versa. Let her enter, she'll learn a lot and be bloody proud she's got the confidence to be a part of something amazing. Wishing her all the best!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 03/12/2018 22:55

Why can only a male competitor be a threat to your DD?

Is it OK for her to be "groped" by a female?

Is it OK to encourage women to fight women?

Your logic is hugely flawed. If you objected so vigorously to the prospect of groping & fighting you really should not have encouraged her to sign up for this hobby!

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 03/12/2018 22:56

They fight in categories of similar ability and weight so it will be fine.

GabsAlot · 03/12/2018 23:03

so no girl should ever compete because its creepy?

AjasLipstick · 03/12/2018 23:04

Why can only a male competitor be a threat to your DD?

OH ffs! PLEASE don't be a twat Santa

A 17 year old girl is no match for a fucking MAN!

imlateagain · 03/12/2018 23:11

YABU. My 16 year old DD trains in a martial art which involves fighting and defences. She has just completed her black belt which was very tough and had her pitted against male opponents, all bigger and more experienced than her. She is a little thing, only 5'2", but as fit as a flea and very competitive. She was black and blue after the grading, and probably concussed, but she wouldn't have it any other way. I understand your concerns, but this is part of martial arts training and competition. In the long run, it will give your DD a huge advantage out in the big bad world.

Meangirls36 · 03/12/2018 23:19

Yeah she might get hurt but girls aren't all delicate flowers and some love contact sports.

Rattinghat · 03/12/2018 23:22

But I like your style pretending to forget the passport so you could have a think and a chat with her. Classy and subtle.

DishingOutDone · 03/12/2018 23:23

Threadastaire knows what they are talking about - that's the sort of opinion you should be seeking OP - an informed or professional one. Does her trainer think it's ok? Is there a registered body for the sport that gives advice? Everything else is moot. First of all help your DD to find out if its feasible.

Ariesgirl1988 · 03/12/2018 23:24

I'm sorry OP you may not like my opinion but I think you're over analysing it here. Its a sport like any other and require's a lot of discipline (a friend of mine does BJJ) believe me it will not encourage men to be violent towards women actually I think it's a good thing that they're allowing her to fight against men isn't that one of the benefits of learning a martial art so you can challenge yourself and find out what you're capable of along with the bonus of knowing how to defend yourself against any potential creeps who may push their luck? I've been to the BJJ tournaments and all the men were lovely and really encouraging to their team mates male and female relax and let your daughter enjoy the sport Smile

SpoonBlender · 03/12/2018 23:25

AjasLipstick "A 17 year old girl is no match for a fucking MAN!"

She is if she's at all competent. That's the fucking POINT. To borrow your capitalisation.

Fabellini · 03/12/2018 23:26

AjasLipstick A 17 year old girl won’t be competing against a “fucking MAN” though, they’ll be competing against another athlete at the same level of ability and weight as she is - and if she wants to compete, then she should absolutely be able to do so.