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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? Non resident parent giving ex money to take child on holiday

77 replies

TreeFu · 03/12/2018 20:59

My friend is engaged to be married, she doesn't have any children yet but is step parent to her fiancé's DS and they're also TTC.

Friend has fallen out with her fiance tonight because she heard from a third party that her fiance is giving his ex £400 so she can take their son on holiday with her, and he kept her in the dark about it.

Her fiance then lied about the amount he was giving his ex when my friend finally asked him about it, he told her he was giving £200.

Friend asked the ex how much he was giving and the ex said no its £400.

Friend asked fiance why he'd lied and he said it was because he knew she'd check up on him Confused

Friends fiance said its nothing to do with her what he gives for his son, but he didn't think its fair for his son to miss out on another holiday because his mum couldn't afford to take him (she recently went on a different holiday and left her DS behind to stay with his dad and my friend) and if friends fiance wasn't going to pay for his DS to go with his mum then she wasn't going to take him, apparently when deciding whether she can afford a holiday she doesn't factor in her DS..

Who, if anybody, is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 03/12/2018 21:02

He shouldn’t have lied to her but I don’t think she can be angry for him putting his son first and helping him have nice things!

CleanBee · 03/12/2018 21:02

Your friend is being unreasonable I think. She needs to forget about the ex and see it as money for the child.

If they are getting married they will need to be able to discuss money openly. But parents have a prior responsibility to their children. I don’t mean that all kids should have foreign holidays, but he sounds like a responsible parent who wants his child to have fun even though the family is no longer together.

kenandbarbie · 03/12/2018 21:04

Your friend is being unreasonable. He's paying for something for his ds as he should.

Original poster
TreeFu · 03/12/2018 21:06

I've struggled with what to say to her because I know the ex is a touchy subject.

I think it's a lovely thing to do for his DS but perhaps he should've told her what he was doing because they live together and everything goes into the same pot, and shouldn't have lied about the amount or tried to keep it a secret.

OP posts:
Berniethefastestmilkwoman · 03/12/2018 21:08

It sounds she has found herself a decent man who tries to do right by his children. A lot of men in this position would have said it wasn't up to them to pay for him to go on holiday with his mother but your friend's OH wanted his son to have a holiday.

I wouldn't marry someone who got annoyed with me for paying for things for my young children. His son is his priority and should remain so.

BitchQueen90 · 03/12/2018 21:09

He should have been honest with her but she is BU. It's absolutely none of her business if he chooses to pay for his DS to go on holiday. If that's going to be her attitude every time he gives his ex extra cash then it doesn't bode well for the future either.

Tohaveandtohold · 03/12/2018 21:11

He is bu for lying to her but he’s not been unreasonable for thinking of his child and giving ex the money. He sounds like a lovely dad and not those who would only do the barest minimum and your friend should think about if she’s really cut out for this long term.

Merryoldgoat · 03/12/2018 21:12

I feel sorry for the child. A mother who doesn’t consider them when booking holidays, a father who has to hide his expenditure from a fiancé who sounds like she resents the child.

CleanBee · 03/12/2018 21:12

Sure, he definitely shouldn’t have lied and he should have told her. I don’t mean to underplay that.

That said, she needs to understand that his son is going to cost money. I get the feeling that she has an issue with him “giving money to the ex”. He’s not really though; he’s giving money to a (presumably) responsible adult to administer for their son, because said son is too young to do so.

Yes the ex will get to have a lovely holiday with her son, but I think that’s looking down the wrong end of the telescope. The son will get to have a lovely holiday with his mum. The fiance is doing something in his child’s best interests.

Perhaps your friend and her fiancé would benefit from something like couples’ counselling to get these issues hashed out before they get married?

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 03/12/2018 21:12

He shouldn’t have lied to her about it and he should have told her he was doing it that was wrong but maybe he knew she’d be pissed off. Doesn’t make what he did right but he may have been trying to manage the situation.
I think she should be pleased that she is marrying a man that puts his child first. I have always wondered why my ex’s wife had children with a man that does so precious little for his existing children because if they ever split up he will be the same with her.

Thisoneisnottaken · 03/12/2018 21:17

I feel a bit differently to the other posters. Of course it's fine for him to pay for his son if he wants to, but the lying and deception is a red flag in my opinion. Sounds like someone who habitually hides things and lies when the truth might cause an argument, which is bad news for marriage. I wouldn't let the (basic human) decency of him actually caring about his own DC cloud the fact that he first hid the truth and then lied to your friend.

FunkyKingston · 03/12/2018 21:18

Hmm, it isn't like this has disaster written over it. Give it 5 years when the op's mate has had kids of her own, she'll be on here moaning about maintenance and the fact her husband's kids are around at their house at the weekend and how his ex is a jealous money grubbing cow.

Original poster
TreeFu · 03/12/2018 21:21

Fwiw I think he's a lovely dad and his commitment to his son is unquestionable.

I think he's hidden it because he knew how she'd react, but by doing that he's given her a reason to feel justified in kicking off iyswim? I'm not saying she is justified, not about him paying for his sons holiday anyway.

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 03/12/2018 21:25

He see, but I can understand why he did if she was going to kick off about it. He wouldn't have hidden it if she was going to be supportive of him providing for his child.

Original poster
TreeFu · 03/12/2018 21:28

I think the root of it is that she dislikes his ex so she sees any money going to her, as money going to her and she doesn't like it, irrespective of the fact it's for the little boy.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 03/12/2018 21:33

Why isn't the dad taking his son in holiday?

Mother should take the child and pay for him and so should the father

Original poster
TreeFu · 03/12/2018 21:36

Not sure why his father isn't taking him away other than the fact they haven't planned to go abroad this year. They've been on several mini holidays within the UK, to different places (friend, fiance and his DS)

The boys mum recently came back from a foreign holiday and his father and my friend had him for the duration, she's now booking another holiday for early next year and wasn't going to take him unless his DF pays for him to go with her.

I do think the little boys mum is a bit of a shit for booking multiple holidays for herself if she can't afford to take her DS with her.

OP posts:
Graphista · 03/12/2018 22:11

Your friend is both unreasonable and naive.

What he spends re HIS son is none of her business.

Ttc before marriage is naive at best, especially as this clearly isn't a solid relationship. She should put ttc on hold until she's adult enough to not be jealous of her stepson to be, and she has the commitment of marriage from someone who already has one failed relationship and non resident child.

I can see why people are saying he is unreasonable for lying but even you as her friend admit the ex "is a touchy subject" so it sounds like he knew what her reaction would be.

Your friend needs to grow the fuck up and stop resenting his CHILD.

If I were the dads friend in this scenario I'd be telling him to dump your friend to be honest.

Notcontent · 03/12/2018 22:17

This isn’t going to end well, is it? She will continually complain about any money being spent on his child...

My DC’s father sometimakes makes extra contributions towards holidays for me and my DC. He does this because he can easily afford it and he wants DC to have a decent standard of living.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 03/12/2018 22:20

If your friend openly resents her DP's child their relationship will either end badly or continue to the detriment of everyone's happiness, particularly the child.

He shouldn't have lied, he shouldn't have omitted the truth. He also shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who resents a small child's existence.

Mrspotter12 · 03/12/2018 22:39

Didn't op say the dad and sm have joint finances? If so I think he is unreasonable not to discuss with the friend. It could be all her money, they could have agreed a budget for Christmas which is now £400 less.
Yes, parents should pay for children but he should have discussed it with his current partner.

Original poster
TreeFu · 03/12/2018 22:44

I do think she's bitten off more than she can chew by getting involved with a man who already has a child if she can't accept everything that comes with it.

I would like to hope that in the unlikely event I ever part ways with my other half he'll be generous with his contributions toward our DC too.

I haven't told her that as she's clearly head over heels in love with the man, but maybe that makes me a shitty friend for not saying something.

I do agree she can BU.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 03/12/2018 22:47

She sounds like a self-obsessed twat, tbh. With any luck the fiance will decide he doesn't want to marry someone who will always resent his child and despise his ex.

Original poster
TreeFu · 03/12/2018 22:48

Although to be fair to her she's wonderful with his little boy and thinks nothing of buying for him and treats him as though he was her own.

She has insecurity issues surrounding his ex and I think he could help her with those by being completely transparent.

OP posts:
Returnofthesmileybar · 03/12/2018 22:49

I think the ex is the unreasonable one not helpful

I think he shouldn't have lied but judging by her reaction I can maybe see why he did.

But I don't blame your friend for being annoyed because it seems the ex is just a selfish cow bag and it's not that she can't afford it, she's just too tight and will happily fuck off without the kid if the fiance doesn't pay.

Yep it's the ex at fault