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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? Non resident parent giving ex money to take child on holiday

77 replies

TreeFu · 03/12/2018 20:59

My friend is engaged to be married, she doesn't have any children yet but is step parent to her fiancé's DS and they're also TTC.

Friend has fallen out with her fiance tonight because she heard from a third party that her fiance is giving his ex £400 so she can take their son on holiday with her, and he kept her in the dark about it.

Her fiance then lied about the amount he was giving his ex when my friend finally asked him about it, he told her he was giving £200.

Friend asked the ex how much he was giving and the ex said no its £400.

Friend asked fiance why he'd lied and he said it was because he knew she'd check up on him Confused

Friends fiance said its nothing to do with her what he gives for his son, but he didn't think its fair for his son to miss out on another holiday because his mum couldn't afford to take him (she recently went on a different holiday and left her DS behind to stay with his dad and my friend) and if friends fiance wasn't going to pay for his DS to go with his mum then she wasn't going to take him, apparently when deciding whether she can afford a holiday she doesn't factor in her DS..

Who, if anybody, is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
timelord92 · 03/12/2018 22:50

I can understand why your friend is annoyed. When you share a house with a partner a big lump sum being taken out like £400 does have an effect on the household expenditure. When we are planning on spending a big amount like that on my dsd my DP we will discuss it first but usually he will take the money out of his savings as he sees it as she is his responsibility. But the point is we have a discussion about it. The fact that your friends partner is not doing this is worrying.

In our situation, we pay to take dsd on holiday and her mum pays to take her away. They only go half if it’s a school holiday. I think for the ex in your friends case to basically blackmail him into giving her money is unacceptable. The “oh your son isn’t getting a holiday unless you pay” is not very fair. Interesting that she can afford to just take herself tho. If that were me I’d rather for my child to go than just think about me.

Then there’s the issue with your friends partner lying about how much he gave. If he knew she was going to check up on him why did he lie in the first place? The relationship doesn’t sound very healthy to me.

BitchQueen90 · 03/12/2018 22:54

So the ex is tight and won't even pay for her DS to go on holiday. The dad lies to his fiance about spending money on his DS. And the fiance is insecure about his ex.

To be honest it all sounds a mess and all the adults are at fault in some way. I feel sorry for the DS.

Original poster
TreeFu · 03/12/2018 22:57

I think if he was upfront with her and kept her in the loop she'd have handled it a lot better, she's spent a fair amount on his little boy for Christmas so I don't think money is the issue, it's the "going behind her back and lying" that has upset her.

She doesn't like his ex and is very vocal about that to her fiance, so in a sense I can see why he'd not want to rock the boat, but by hiding something and lying when it involves a person she is insecure about its given her, in her mind, a reason to be angry.

Also the fact they share everything financial and he chose to take a lump sum out of their expenses without consulting her has gotten her back up.

She's a brilliant step mother to his son but clearly struggles with the fact he co-parents with his ex which I know isn't healthy in the long run.

OP posts:
Original poster
TreeFu · 03/12/2018 23:00

I don't think he believed she'd check up on him and thought she wouldn't find out about the amount so felt comfortable being dishonest about it, then when confronted after she spoke to his ex he went on the defensive and said he knew she'd check anyway

OP posts:
BitchQueen90 · 03/12/2018 23:08

Why doesn't she like his ex?

I co parent with my ex and I wouldn't be with someone if they didn't like him. Keeping things friendly between us is important for our DS. I wouldn't ever risk that.

Cachailleacha · 03/12/2018 23:08

Sounds like he is a great dad. If he was afraid to tell her the truth then that doesn't reflect well on her, would she likely have reacted in a negative way? Ideally he should have told the truth and she should support him in putting his child first. A man who avoids paying for his child is a man to run from.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 03/12/2018 23:13

OP is your friend aware that divorced and separated parents normal co-parent if they aren't hostile to one another? So while it's not common to give money so the other parent takes them on a holiday, it is common for them to mutually agree many aspects of their children's lives.

Oh and your friend's partner is unreasonable. He should take the boy on holiday by himself on his own rather than leave it to the boy's mother and lie to his new partner. I use to go on holidays and find a few fathers took their children away on their own.

blackcat86 · 03/12/2018 23:14

I guess it depends how they split their finances and what their financial situation is. If their money is pooled and he's used it without telling her or they're in a tough financial position then yes I can see why she's annoyed. Equally the fact that he's lied about it and that she's resentful of any money going to his ex doesn't bode well for their relationship. I do think it's pretty shit for the mum to say she'll only take DS on the holiday if dad pays having already had a holiday herself so I could see if your friend was concerned about that but it sounds like their are deeper issues. I'm wondering if her fiancee's boundaries with his ex are poor and has built up resentment? Obviously the guy should be paying for his child but this does seem like quite a strange situation unless it's not quite as it's been made to sound as the info has been passed around.

Drogosnextwife · 03/12/2018 23:19

The ex is unreasonable. I wouldn't plan holiday if I couldn't afford to take my kids, she sounds selfish.
He can spend whatever he wants o his fs but he probably shouldn't have lied about it.

Drogosnextwife · 03/12/2018 23:19

Ds

funinthesun18 · 04/12/2018 05:53

Is this £400 a month or just a one off payment?

Very important question.... Is he only able to afford to give his ex this money because your friend is there to pay more towards bills out of the money she brings in? If the answer to this is yes then he should be thanking your friend not being in a mood with her.

You say they are TTC. If and when they have a child together, is he going to carry on taking £400 of family money for something that isn’t absolutely necessary ie a yearly holiday for his ex to take their child on. I still he going to pay for your friend to take their child on holiday if they have one?

So many questions Grin

If I was your friend I would definitely be keeping all finances separate.

SillySallySingsSongs · 04/12/2018 05:57

Looks like the ex and your friend are being unreasonable tbh.

The ex certainly doesn't seem to consider their DC do they.

Leontine · 04/12/2018 05:58

I wonder if he lied to her because she has form for kicking off about things like this?

swingofthings · 04/12/2018 06:05

Can't comment without knowing more. It could be guilt money, because he left his ex for your friend or because he is planning a great holiday with her/honeymoon and won't be able to take his child on holiday this year.

Maybe they've agreed that they do their finances separately so he can do what he wants with his money.

I didn't find out for months that my OH was giving his mum £400 every month. I find it odd as she is doing well with her pension etc...butvtjst is totally his choice just like I do what I want with my money for my kids.

BeanBagLady · 04/12/2018 06:06

She actually went and checked up on her fiancé by asking his ex?

Ok, he should have been upfront, but she is a nightmare. In his shoes I would be furious.

If he is earning and self sufficient in their relationship he is fine to
make decisions he thinks are in the best interests of his son.

Baking101 · 04/12/2018 06:12

Wow the mother of that kid is horrible. Won't take her own son on holiday unless the father pays for him? So she puts nothing towards it?

The fiance was unreasonable for not telling your friend and for being a bit of a mug to his ex. But your friend does need to realise a lot of his money will go towards his son. I don't think he is the right man for her.

Birdie6 · 04/12/2018 06:24

She might be wonderful with the little boy, but the ex is always going to be part of her life if she sticks with this man. And if she has children with him, more so. If your partner has an ex , and you are paranoid about her, sorry but it's going to end in tears.

mummmy2017 · 04/12/2018 06:27

Tell her this is done.
She needs to tell him that it is OK thst he spends money on his son.
They must be doing OK if she didn't miss £400... So maybe tell him that she knows he wants to help his son, and so long as he pays for things directly and doesn't hand the money to the ex. Then she us fine with it.
But say anything over £100 can he just tell her so the ex can't cause trouble by things being hidden.
Also her partner is already hiding things from her, she should be careful that she is more understanding so he doesn't feel he has to or she could lose him.
Because the red flag for me in this situation is not he paid, but that he feels she will kick off because he did... So he is too scared of her making a scene to be honest with her...

CJsGoldfish · 04/12/2018 06:52

She's going to be a fucking nightmare when she has a baby.

I think the root of it is that she dislikes his ex so she sees any money going to her, as money going to her
She realises that child maintenance is a long term thing right? I'm assuming he pays as he should and this isn't just a 'guilt' payment because he doesn't.
From what you've written, I can totally understand why he didn't tell her, she sounds completely irrational in her jealousy of the ex. None of this bodes well for that child or their future

countrygirl99 · 04/12/2018 06:57

If it were the OH asking advice I would say the fact he seems scared of telling your friend is a red flag.

AJPTaylor · 04/12/2018 07:01

Joint finances she should have known. Separate it's none of her business.
The fact that he was reluctant to tell her may be speaks volumes about the vibe she gives off, even if she acts differently.
She needs to have a proper open conversation if she is the with him.

SunnyintheSun · 04/12/2018 07:04

The ex and the DP are both unreasonable. Ex should pay for son to go on holidays with her, DP should pay for son to go on holidays with him. No need to pay the ex to take her own child - that’s just emotional blackmail on her part and if he falls for it now she’ll do it again.

And DP was unreasonable for taking joint funds and lying about it.

Your friend needs to be careful getting into such a messy situation. Clear boundaries need to be agreed before she TTC.

BeanBagLady · 04/12/2018 07:07

It all sounds so gossipy and underhand.
A ‘third party ‘ told her he was paying for the holiday.
He sounds afraid to tell her.
She goes behind his back and checks with the ex.

It doesn’t sound as if things are right for TTC. It will get worse.

MaisyPops · 04/12/2018 07:14

The dad seems like a nice dad who wants to do best by his child.

The ex seems like a bit of a chance as she's just had holiday number 1 and left the child at home and now wants holiday number 2 and was going to leave the child at home unless dad paid for the child. Logically, ex should have had 1 holiday and taken her child with her.

The dad is right to ensure his child gets nice things. The ex I can see becoming increasingly cheeky (who books 2 holidays for themself but not their child!)

He shouldn't have lied to your friend though and with combined finances and situations like this then I would worry that the ex will continue to spend her money on herself and then want him to cover all big expenses for the child.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 04/12/2018 07:18

She doesn't like his ex and is very vocal about that to her fiance

This is a problem. She needs to remember that at some point, her partner considered this woman good enough to have children with. She slags off the ex, she is slagging off his choices. It’s really neither here nor there whether she’s nice or not, she exists as the mother of his child and there is a need to make a co-parenting relationship work at some level. A vocal, persistent flea in the ear will go one of two ways - he gives up his relationship with his child to keep partner happy (common) or he removes partner from his life (less common). Either way, she loses a partner or she’s with the kind of man you don’t really want to be with.

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