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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? Non resident parent giving ex money to take child on holiday

77 replies

TreeFu · 03/12/2018 20:59

My friend is engaged to be married, she doesn't have any children yet but is step parent to her fiancé's DS and they're also TTC.

Friend has fallen out with her fiance tonight because she heard from a third party that her fiance is giving his ex £400 so she can take their son on holiday with her, and he kept her in the dark about it.

Her fiance then lied about the amount he was giving his ex when my friend finally asked him about it, he told her he was giving £200.

Friend asked the ex how much he was giving and the ex said no its £400.

Friend asked fiance why he'd lied and he said it was because he knew she'd check up on him Confused

Friends fiance said its nothing to do with her what he gives for his son, but he didn't think its fair for his son to miss out on another holiday because his mum couldn't afford to take him (she recently went on a different holiday and left her DS behind to stay with his dad and my friend) and if friends fiance wasn't going to pay for his DS to go with his mum then she wasn't going to take him, apparently when deciding whether she can afford a holiday she doesn't factor in her DS..

Who, if anybody, is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Stormwhale · 04/12/2018 07:20

I think it's great the dad wants to give his child a lovely holiday, BUT if it came out of joint money I think he was wrong to do it without her consent. It is not normal maintenance, which absolutely becomes a joint expense when your partner has a child, it was extra on top. I would be very upset if a partner took that much from our joint money without any conversation and then actively lied about it. I can absolutely see why your friend is upset.

BitchQueen90 · 04/12/2018 07:32

I'm a single mum and this thread is highlighting one of the reasons why I would never have joint finances with a future partner. I wouldn't want somebody questioning me about money I choose to spend on my own child.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 04/12/2018 07:43

Honestly, everyone is BU. But your friend most of all. She should be thankful she's got a man who puts his son first. It sounds like he lied because he knew the reaction he'd get - and then he got It! She needs to wind her neck in about the ex. None of her business. At the end of the day she is his son's mother and will continue to be!
Having said that, what kind of mother keeps arranging holidays without factoring in the cost of taking her son? That's breathtakingly selfish. You go as a family or don't go at all - not dump your child on someone else.
And her H2B lied. What he should have done is said 'I'm giving my ex £400 to take our son on holiday. You can like it or lump it.'

MsHopey · 04/12/2018 07:51

I never quite understand seperate finances when you're a couple, but I definitely think it's needed in this situation if he's taking money from the joint pot.
In general he can spend his money on whatever he likes and it doesn't need to involve anyone else, but he's essentially spending your friends money without any kind of conversation with her about it, and then lying about it.
The dislike of the ex probably isn't helping the situation (and yes, if she can afford 2 holiday abroad for herself she could afford one nice one for her and her son, or go to place where with one paying adult you get a free child place) but at the end of the day if her fiance wants to spend his money on his son going on holiday, that's his perrogitive.
£400 is alot of money to take out of joint finances! My DH wouldn't take £400 without discussing it with me, not for car repairs or anything. Big expenditures need discussions, even if it's just a conversation to talk about what the bills are this month .

erykahb · 04/12/2018 08:00

The ex is BU!! Jheeez, if I couldn't afford to take my DS on a holiday then I bloody well wouldn't be going either, or go on a cheaper domestic holiday that he can enjoy too.

It sounds like your friend has a very, thoughtful fiancé.

Friends fiancé shouldn't have lied, but it sounds as though he assumed she would have a problem with him giving money for his son so lied- that's the issue!!! Why he felt the need to lie. Maybe she's controlling?

Who knows. Either way- he did a really lovey thing for his DS who otherwise would have missed out!!

BeanBagLady · 04/12/2018 08:05

How often, post divorce or split, does a woman as single parent fund herself financially unable to manage holidays while the ex / father can afford it? It happens all the time on MN.

I don’t know why the mother goes but doesn’t take him, but giving £400 so that the child can have a hol with his Mum is reasonable.

Onemorefireball · 04/12/2018 08:08

Everyone is being unreasonable I think. Mum the most, who doesn't consider their child when deciding if they can afford a holiday?!
Your friend is if she resents her fiance paying and her fiance is for trying to hide it.

Weneedhelpnow · 04/12/2018 08:09

Your friend is being unreasonable. Although he shouldn't have lied to her.

If the roles were reversed people would be posting Red Flag and for your friend to get out of the relationship.

sue51 · 04/12/2018 08:13

The ex and your friend are both unreasonable. The partner sounds like a good involved NRP, though I think a frank discussion about finances is due.

MyOtherProfile · 04/12/2018 08:14

He could have taken your friend and his dc on holiday together then the child wouldn't miss out on a holiday.

Angharad07 · 04/12/2018 08:16

It’s a bit weird that the mum would pay for her own holiday and leave the child behind if she couldn’t afford it...like £400 is a lot for one child, she must be paying more than that for herself when she could have bought a packaged holiday that is cheaper and taken her kid with her! Mind you, it’s nice to hear that a man is willing to pay for his child- if I were him then I’d just have taken the child on holiday with myself instead.

It’s understandable that your friend is annoyed that he didn’t tell her though

gonzo77 · 04/12/2018 08:24

I think they are all bu to be honest. The ex for not budgeting to include the child in holidays. The fiance for not discussing the money given with your friend, and your friend for resenting the money given.

It is incredibly hard being your friend. I get that because I have a DSS. My husband and I have separate finances. He transfers into the bills account, and so do I then the rest we spend or save as we see fit. If my husband chooses to spend it on his son then so be it. He is my husbands responsibility.

I have never met DSS Mum. Have no particular requirement to. I have been told many horrible things from my husbands family, but I will reserve judgement because I do not know her to form an opinion. Plus as far as I can tell she does the best she can for DSS which is all that matters.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 04/12/2018 08:25

You go as a family or don't go at all - not dump your child on someone else

Child was left with his other parent. Not 'dumped'. Plenty of people have adult-only holidays when they have children. Only single mothers who shouldn't holiday without their children, eh?

MilkyCuppa · 04/12/2018 08:27

I totally disagree with everyone saying it’s none of her business what he spends on his son. They’re a couple who are getting married. Of course their joint finances are her business! It’s unfair of him just to remove £400 from their finances (THEIRS, not just his) and spend it on anything without consulting her. If my DH spent £400 without discussing it with me I’d be livid! And then he lied about it! It would be a deal breaker for me I’m afraid - the wedding would be called off.

funinthesun18 · 04/12/2018 13:14

I'm a single mum and this thread is highlighting one of the reasons why I would never have joint finances with a future partner. I wouldn't want somebody questioning me about money I choose to spend on my own child.

I wouldn’t have joint finances because I wouldn’t want to subsidise my partner paying for very expensive non essentials for his ex. I really hope the op’s friend doesn’t pool finances with her partner. Maybe if she does and she stops he won’t be able to afford these holidays. Maybe if she dumps him he won’t be able to afford them. I hope she does.

Original poster
TreeFu · 04/12/2018 14:21

I spoke to her today and she's still upset with him, in her mind it's boiled down to them arguing (again) about his ex. It's become more about her than him paying for his DS to go abroad.

To answer why she doesn't like his ex, she's given a few reasons ie her parenting style and moral compass but I think mainly it boils down to him and her having a child together which she doesn't yet have

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 04/12/2018 14:25

So she's not a parent but happy to be critical of someone else's parenting? She's basically jealous he has a child with someone else? She is focused on what a bad person the ex is?

This has disaster written all over it.

furrysheep · 04/12/2018 14:34

I think it's fine as long as the ex would also contribute half of the sons costs if the fiancé and stepmum wanted to take him on holiday with them in the future.
What the fiancé did wrong is not to tell his wife to be his plans. Especially if their money is joint.

BitchQueen90 · 04/12/2018 14:42

funinthesun18

It's not for his ex. It's for his child. Although an alternative would be for him to take his child on holiday himself. And as for "non essential" do you think he should only be providing essentials for his own child and not a penny more?

I'm assuming the two of them aren't living in poverty if she didn't notice there was £400 gone. I would certainly notice that!

He shouldn't have lied about it however.

funinthesun18 · 04/12/2018 14:52

It’s for the child exactly, and that’s not the problem. It’s clearly the fact that his ex benefits from it. If he was to take his child on holiday then I doubt she would have a problem with it. To be honest I can see where she is coming from. I don’t have a problem with my dsc but as for their mum. Ugh.
I’d hate my partner to pay for a holiday for her. Luckily he would rather stick pins in his eyes than do that Grin so HE takes his children on holiday instead.

A non essential at £400 a pop is a bit steep but if it benefitted only the kids then that would be fine. And no he shouldn’t only pay towards essentials. Kids need more than just food and clothes.

MyOtherProfile · 04/12/2018 14:58

Still not sure why he couldn't take the child on holiday himself instead of funding him going on holiday with his ex.

funinthesun18 · 04/12/2018 15:02

Exactly. He could have just saved the money up himself and paid for a holiday with his child. If work is in the way then he can just keep the money aside. It’s not about him paying for his child, that’s not the problem.

BitchQueen90 · 04/12/2018 15:05

Personally I would never ask my ex husband for money for a holiday. But then I wouldn't go on one without my DS. I do ask my ex for extra money when it's DS's birthday/Christmas and time for new school uniform though. My ex's partner has no problem with that as my ex pays it out his own salary.

I don't like this attitude of "why should he pay for that" though. If his mum is too tight to pay for her own son to go on holiday then he needs one decent parent at least.

Mumshappy · 04/12/2018 15:11

I would suggest to your friend that she has separate finances. Ive experienced situations like this personally. My ex husband had two DDs when we met and it make situations more clear cut. It could have been 400.00 she had in there set aside for something else in which case he should have consulted her before committing money to the ex.

BlimeyCalmDown · 04/12/2018 18:50

Your friend is BU (possibly jealous and controlling). Especially as Dad isn't bothering sorry able to take him away.
I presume the Mother takes care of his son as a single parent 80% of the time, so why shouldn't she have a break....
Maybe he didn't tell her as he knew she would BU... and maybe thought why should his son miss out because of her...

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