How annoyed should I be?

[Sirhiss]

First time poster but long time lurker. Wasn’tgoing To join but had a MIL encounter this weekend that I am actually interested in the mumsnet response to.

So long post with some context- my MIL came to visit on Fri staying the weekend and returned this morning (Mon). Usually harmless and generally unobtrusive so I don’t mind her being here, and she lives far away so it makes sense to be here a few days.

So on Fri night my DW and I had put DC to bed and were planning to play a card game. MIL joined us at the table to watch but didn’t want to / couldn’t join in. Game is quite expensive (think Magic but not magic) - eg £300 of cardboard on the table.

As MIL had previously in the day knocked over 2 glasses of water onto floor and table after repeatedly being told to be careful, and was sitting with a precariously balanced cup of tea I felt the need to give a direct warning along the lines of “for the avoidance of doubt, DW and I will be really upset if you spill tea over this game so please be careful”. I did say this in a very direct way as I wanted MIL to actually pay attention and absorb the info.

Queue a full tantrum, tears, and meltdown. “I won’t be spoken to like that” “I’m not your mother, so don’t speak to me like her” (to be fair I would be a lot more direct with my own DM, or friends etc.), “If I don’t get an apology I’m going home”. I gave 3 separate grovelling apologies (and a hug) and she eventually settled down but clearly a really weird atmosphere now.

Not much more was said about it over the weekend. Fast forward to today and I am seething a bit that she had such a childish tantrum and needed to be pacified when she was a guest and we were looking after her all weekend.

I don’t really want to have her stay over again but DW thinks that while MIL behaved badly she should still be allowed to stay over again, I just don’t want to be treated like this in my home.

So I guess- am I overreacting? How annoyed should I be?

"after repeatedly being told to be careful". hmmmm. Sounds like you were being a bit mean. She's not a child. If the game was very precious why play it around her?

You were rude so am not sure why you are annoyed.

You spoke to her like a child and she acted like a child, not surprising really.

You actually said that to her? Or are you paraphrasing? It does seem REALLY rude to be honest so I’d not be totally surprised if I had got that reaction.

You were very rude and patronising. Is this a reverse?

I doubt she knocks things over for the fun of it. I think I would feel really upset if someone spoke to me in that way as its genuinely being told of like a kid.

YABU and mean

I can understand you making a comment, if she's a bit clumsy with drinks, but you could have handled it much more politely. If MIL went into a tantrum then that was a bit childish, but to say she can't come and stay any more is OTT. If my DH banned my mother from staying over one incident, when he had been a bit rude to begin with, then he'd get his marching orders.

£300 board game

You should have said let me get you a side table, or offered to move the tea out of harms way. I have older relatives who love to balance things precariously and it drives me nuts too. But you were rude.

Yeah you were rude

Yes, I think offering her some means to put the tea somewhere more stable would have been a more sensitive way to approach it when dealing with an adult.

How old is MIL? Is she infirm or just careless?
Sounds pretty rude to choose an activity that didn't include her in the first place.
Your speaking to her was incredibly rude and patronising.

She lives far away and you played a game she couldn't join in? Mind boggling.

You were a knob. Sounds like you’re a knob to you’re own DM and friends too. There are ways of saying things that don’t make you a knob. Try some role playing with your wife. Are you a knob to her too?

I feel awful for your mil. You were terribly rude. And now you want to stop her form visiting her daughter and grandchild? This poor woman. You are behaving horribly.

If I was your MiL I’m not sure I’d want to come and stay with you again anyway so problem solved! If your MiL couldn’t play the game with you why did you play? Would it not have been more polite to do something together?

If this isn’t a reverse you need some new people skills .
Can you give an example of how you could say that more directly as you would to your own mother.

Fair enough to point it out o her, but people often take things better if you are more sensitive about how they might feel hearing it.

Ok, well that is me told!

FWIW by previously repeated telling her to be careful I mean throughout the day I had been saying “ooh, I see you have left your tea on the floor, do you want me to put it on a table as I will probably knock it over accidentally” etc. And twice she had knocked over drinks despite this, so I thought I needed to be a bit more direct.

But clearly I was too direct. Sorry.

You don't sound much of a people person. Firstly talking to an adult like they are a child and then thinking you can tell your wife which members of her family can and can't visit. Next time just say 'we don't have food or drink on the table with the games' and grab her a side table. She was your guest so you should be making her feel comfortable.

So yes UABU to be annoyed.

You were rude. I’d have felt unwelcome with the approach you took.

You could have sensitively provided somewhere else for her to put her cup of tea, perhaps with a lighthearted ‘oh I knocked a cup over, so much easier to have this cup on the side table here’.

Also with the earlier incidents - were they for to being around DC and forgetting that you have to be more careful with DC around? Easy to forget when you don’t live with them.

I don't think it's Mumsnet you should be apologising to.

You were really horrible to her. I wouldn’t tolerate my husband speaking to my mother like that (and he wouldn’t in the first place).

You should probably apologise.