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AIBU?

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Original poster

How annoyed should I be?

62 replies

Sirhiss · 03/12/2018 15:31

First time poster but long time lurker. Wasn’tgoing To join but had a MIL encounter this weekend that I am actually interested in the mumsnet response to.

So long post with some context- my MIL came to visit on Fri staying the weekend and returned this morning (Mon). Usually harmless and generally unobtrusive so I don’t mind her being here, and she lives far away so it makes sense to be here a few days.

So on Fri night my DW and I had put DC to bed and were planning to play a card game. MIL joined us at the table to watch but didn’t want to / couldn’t join in. Game is quite expensive (think Magic but not magic) - eg £300 of cardboard on the table.

As MIL had previously in the day knocked over 2 glasses of water onto floor and table after repeatedly being told to be careful, and was sitting with a precariously balanced cup of tea I felt the need to give a direct warning along the lines of “for the avoidance of doubt, DW and I will be really upset if you spill tea over this game so please be careful”. I did say this in a very direct way as I wanted MIL to actually pay attention and absorb the info.

Queue a full tantrum, tears, and meltdown. “I won’t be spoken to like that” “I’m not your mother, so don’t speak to me like her” (to be fair I would be a lot more direct with my own DM, or friends etc.), “If I don’t get an apology I’m going home”. I gave 3 separate grovelling apologies (and a hug) and she eventually settled down but clearly a really weird atmosphere now.

Not much more was said about it over the weekend. Fast forward to today and I am seething a bit that she had such a childish tantrum and needed to be pacified when she was a guest and we were looking after her all weekend.

I don’t really want to have her stay over again but DW thinks that while MIL behaved badly she should still be allowed to stay over again, I just don’t want to be treated like this in my home.

So I guess- am I overreacting? How annoyed should I be?

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 03/12/2018 15:53

Cross post :)

Tunebeo · 03/12/2018 15:58

Missing point entirely but what was your game?! Pokémon? Netrunner?

GeorgeTheHippo · 03/12/2018 16:09

Maybe the problem was more how you said it than the content of what you said?

But anyway, you apologised. Trad carefully for a while!

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 03/12/2018 16:17

I want to know what game you were playing

Blanchedupetitpois · 03/12/2018 16:20

The way you spoke to her was really rude, so I’m not surprised she was upset. Your best course would be to put this behind you and be nicer next time she visits.

OhComeOnRon · 03/12/2018 16:28

Please tell me you didn't actually say this “for the avoidance of doubt, DW and I will be really upset if you spill tea over this game so please be careful” !!

So rude - and if you cant see that I'm not entirely sure that you weren't previously rude to her and that was why she reacted the way she did. I would be SO angry with my DH spoke to my mother like that - not that he would dream of it.

HappyBumbleBee · 03/12/2018 16:33

I'm so shocked at what you said to her.... If my husband spoke to my mother like that I'd give him a massive clip round the ear and send him back to his mother to learn some manners - and we've been married 25years!
Can I ask, how did your wife feel about the way you spoke to her mother?
I think a huge bunch of flowers sent to her may be in order - I hope looking back you're beginning to wonder yourself what on earth you were thinking!

VictoryOrValhalla · 03/12/2018 16:38

It was probably the straw that broke the camels back for her. She’d probably been biting her tongue all weekend at how you spoke to her and probably your wife too..

RCohle · 03/12/2018 17:21

You sound incredibly patronising.

Why were you playing a game your MIL didn't want to join in with? You clearly weren't "looking after her all weekend".You sound very grudging about her presence. I suspect there is a lot more to this.

PlateOfBiscuits · 03/12/2018 17:28

MIL joined us at the table to watch but didn’t want to / couldn’t join in.
It’s also a bit shit to spend the evening doing something your guest can’t do/doesn’t want to do.

ShalomJackie · 03/12/2018 17:34

Going against the grain here. I don't see anything wrong with what you said to her and she overreacted to it but you then apologised a number of times.

But then that should have been the end of it. Banning future visits and still harping on about it is the unreasonable bit.

Gatehouse77 · 03/12/2018 17:39

I don't think you were unreasonable given that sh'e already knocked over 2 drinks despite being alerted to the high probability of a spillage happening.

I wouldn't ban her but ask her to ensure all drinks are put on tables in the future.

MissLadyM · 03/12/2018 17:42

You were rude and patronising

BackforGood · 03/12/2018 17:49

I doubt she knocks things over for the fun of it. I think I would feel really upset if someone spoke to me in that way as its genuinely being told of like a kid.

You were incredibly rude. If I'd been your spouse I would have challenged you about it at the time.

It is you that owe he a BIG apology, not the other way round. Hmm

Dotty1970 · 03/12/2018 17:54

If your like that with mil i feel very sorry for your own dm if your 'more direct' with her.
If I were your mil you would have had the drink thrown in your patronising face

cowfacemonkey · 03/12/2018 17:57

You sound awful, I'm slightly disappointed that it didn't pan out that she did spill tea on your cards; it would serve you right. Anyway I'm surprised your wife hasn't suffocated you whilst you sleep and buried you under the patio.

BuffaloCauliflower · 03/12/2018 17:58

You were very rude for playing a game she couldn’t join in with. That’s not how you should treat any guests. Then you spoke to her like a child. No wonder she kicked off, you were treating her badly.

NailsNeedDoing · 03/12/2018 18:07

You're a bloke (or at least you're coming across as one) so don't expect a reasonable response on here.

If a Mum had posted on here saying that their MIL was repeatedly spilling drinks through leaving them on the floor and not being careful, then they'd be told to be direct about asking her to be careful. It sounds like she was hurt at being told the fair truth and over reacted, but let it go. Yabu to say that your wife can't have her own mum to stay again, that's too much.

AlBeGa · 03/12/2018 18:09

In my opinion YANBU. Your home, your game and she sounds clumsy. Obviously she is your MIL so should be able to stay with you but you should not be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home. However, maybe don't play expensive games when she is around particularly if she isn't playing?

Liesmyparentstoldme · 03/12/2018 18:13

I'm not seeing how the OP was rude. If someone has already knocked over 2 drinks. What is the problem asking them to be careful with their drink, round an expensive game? I thought it was said in a direct, but polite way.

Those who are saying the OP was rude. What would you have said?

If someone said the same thing to me, given the circumstances. I would not think there was anything to be offended about!

SauvignonBlanche · 03/12/2018 18:14

So I guess- am I overreacting? Absolutely!

Littlefrog99 · 03/12/2018 18:15

Looks like I'm in the minority but that's something I'd say under the circumstances. I don't think it's rude to remind someone to be careful but then again, people do say I can be patronising at times.

Liesmyparentstoldme · 03/12/2018 18:18

@littlefrog99

I completely agree. I do not understand how OP was rude. What's wrong with being asked to be careful, if you've shown yourself to be clumsy Hmm

Liesmyparentstoldme · 03/12/2018 18:19

*?

Idratherhaveacupoftea · 03/12/2018 18:20

I'm glad I never had sons.