MIL tapping me on the arm every time she speaks to me

[MillionsOfGeoffreys]

I know she probably doesn’t know she’s doing it. But I’m about to explode. If she wants to say something in a conversation she quite firmly taps the forearm of the person she’s speaking to (usually me) first before speaking. How do I stop it?!

Tell her not to?

Firmly tap back before replying?

Go "ow!" every time. Then wince and say "its OK, I know you don't know you're doing it"

You can't stop another person's behaviour. You can point it out to her and say that it's not pleasant for you and ask her if she could think about stopping. She may or may not become more aware of it. Do you have any other problems with her, is this a symptom of a wider irritation?

Mine points in my face or feels the need to stand as close as possible to me. If I move away she moves closer!

Maybe try getting h ahold of her hand and holding it firmly for a few seconds then letting her hand drop away?

Do you have any other problems with her, is this a symptom of a wider irritation?

As if being constantly tapped on the arm isn’t irritating enough!

I would ask your DH if he would speak to her about it. Failing which, wince every time and say ‘ow!’. It’s OTT but she will get the message!

@onalongsabbatical very insightful of you! I do find her mildly irritating. She relentlessly asks me inane and banal questions, sometimes asks the same question later on so it’s not as if she’s listening to the answers. I just don’t feel as though I can relax in her company.

I think I’ll have to start moving out of the way. Maybe looking at my arm for a second or two.

As if being constantly tapped on the arm isn’t irritating enough! where does it say she's constantly tapping OP? She's tapping when she's directly addressing her. How often does OP see MIL? How much time is spent being tapped? Five minutes a week max I'd imagine.
Maybe no-one's ever really listened to her so she developed the habit to try and get attention?

How old is she?

My DM is a bit like this. If she's talking to me about certain things - usually a bit of a whine about someone else, or something that someone else has done or said - she will come right up to me and tap my arm as she talks. I think she does it to make sure she has my attention. She also leans into me, to the point that she's actually ON me. I've had to ask her to step away on occasion!

If she repeatedly asks the same questions and they are 'inane and banal' she could it could be the start of Alzheimer's.

I used to do this. Drove DH mad. But he didn’t say anything for years then exploded one day and told me very firmly to stop doing it.

Just tell her it’s mildly annoying or just put up with it.

How old is she OP?

She’s mid 60s.

my DM does this, she elbows me (in an excited way when sat next to me) when she is about to say something she thinks is amusing. Because she is MY DM I do it back to her or say something jokingly because I can but I can see how it might annoy other people and I'd get annoyed if it was my MIL doing it because I'd feel I couldn't say anything. Personally I'd probably just put up with it if she does it to everyone she obviously doesn't mean anything by it and it might make her self conscious.

Mine does this. She’s also very sensitive and would be mortified forever if I said anything. She’s ace in most ways though so I’ve decided to just lump it, annoying though it is.

Is she used to speaking to someone with hearing issues? It sounds like a tactic she has adopted to make sure the person she is talking to is paying attention.

Maybe she is a bit deaf and just doing what would help her when someone is about to speak.

And do you think she might be insecure and not confident of getting heard? Or developing a neurological condition?
Has she always been like this? What does your DP say about it?

It's generational. My mum started doing this a few years ago similar age and she apologises a lot for doing it. They just really want to chat to you and get a bit intense I reckon especially if she's retired etc that's what my mum thinks. Give her a break she just wants to talk to you.

No hearing issues with her or in the wider family.

I think upon reflection I am sad about the fact I don’t have the relationship with her that I thought I would have, and so my irritation with the arm tapping is in fact representing my discontent at the wider situation.

Ah well.

I would ask your DH if he would speak to her about it. Failing which, wince every time and say ‘ow!’. It’s OTT but she will get the message!

Oh dear God! Several posters have said much the same thing as above - just call a spade a spade won't you.

OP if you don't like it, tell her so. DO NOT ask your DH to tell her like you're some pathetic little wallflower who can't speak for herself, and DO NOT say 'Ow! like you're a petulant 5-year old. Try "I don't know whether you realise you are doing this but every time you want to speak to me you tap me on the arm and I find it mildly irritating". Of course, perhaps she feels the need to tap you on the arm to get your attention when she wants to speak to you so it might also be wise to consider you're own subconscious behaviour.

Ah, ok. What happened to the relationship you thought you were going to have with her? How did it divert?
indeed, good thinking!

Step back when she does it or rub the spot. You'll probably feel a bit awkward doing it, but she's the one being a bit odd don't forget.