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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help. 8 months pregnant DD’s DP wants to split up

69 replies

Calmlypanic · 03/12/2018 11:09

He’s told her they’re only together for the baby and he doesn’t love her.
They rent, well he does. The tenancy is in his name only.
He’s told her he’s not throwing her out (doesn’t want to look bad I expect) so she could stay but he’s being nasty to her and making her feel uncomfortable when he’s there.

Ideally she’d like to leave him but the baby is due next month and she has nowhere else to go.
We have a 3 bedroomed house and still have 3 of her siblings living here with us so we don’t have room for her to actually come here to live, especially once the baby is here.
We would of course put her up as an emergency temporary measure but I think that might be seen as her having somewhere to live and she would struggle to get help from the council or whatever.
She has no savings, lives from wage to wage and is on SMP now.
We have no savings to help her with either.
What a mess. What on earth is she supposed to do?

OP posts:
sally4ever · 03/12/2018 11:13

Very difficult. What age is she?

Could she speak to Citizens Advice?
Would the local council be able to rehome her?

I think living with you is the best bet til she finds something

SausageSimon · 03/12/2018 11:13

He's clearly doing this to get rid of her as if he felt this way but wanted the best for her and the baby he'd at least keep quiet until the baby was here! This is the last thing she needs.

My advice would be for her to look for a private property to rent close to you, apply for housing benefit and any other benefits ASAP. Can you lend her the money for a deposit etc?
If she's in a universal credit area they make you wait 6 weeks until money starts but they can lend you the money the same day apparently! (Which idiot thought of that?!)

She could always ask him for the money to get set up elsewhere but I don't know how he'd react to that!

Snowwontbelong · 03/12/2018 11:15

As awful as it seems she needs to present herself as homeless to the council.

Original poster
Calmlypanic · 03/12/2018 17:13

Thank you so much for your replies. Sorry to come back so much later, between work and helping her it’s been a hectic day!
For now, we’ve waited until he was at work and then got some of her things out of the house. She’s staying on our couch tonight but that can obviously only be temporary.
After speaking to her face to face it turns out he’s said this to her after an incident where he got frustrated with something and threw it. My DD tried to say something about how he shouldn’t have thrown it and why does he throw things (so it’s not the first time it seems) and he shouted at her loudly in her face and she was scared.
She went to another room to ‘let him calm down’ and he sent her loads of messages saying that he never loved her and telling her to get out of his house etc.
Then she messaged him this morning asking if she really had to leave and he said she doesn’t have to go but they’re over and she’s to blame.
We’re going to make some calls tomorrow to see what help is available.
Thank you again for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:
MattFreisCheekyDimples · 03/12/2018 17:21

Your poor DD. She's much better off out of there. If this is how he's behaving now, god only knows what will happen when there's a crying newborn in the picture. But what a time to show his true colours. Your poor girl. I don't know what her best next move is, and it probably depends on what area you're in. I hope other MNers who are more knowledgeable will be along to help, but I wanted to post support. I hope you can manage temporarily at least. Your DD is lucky to have you. Flowers

NorthernLurker · 03/12/2018 17:23

Well he sounds like an abusive shithead. She needs to tell her midwife ASAP so there is no risk of him finding out where she is or what's going on by claiming to be with her.
If anything important is left at the house get it tomorrow when he's out. She needs to present to the council as homeless. She's not the first, won't be the last, it will be a crap few months but she'll get through it.

KandoKat · 03/12/2018 17:52

What a horrible twat Angry
Hope your dd can get some help soon.

Original poster
Calmlypanic · 03/12/2018 18:24

Thank you.
She’s 20.
I think our first stop tomorrow will be her midwife and go from there.

That’s the thing isn’t it, if he throws things in frustration and shouts and blames others, what’s he going to be like when there is a baby?!

She was going to try to stay and ‘sort things out’ until I heard the full story and got out of her that she ‘can usually see when he’s in a temper and will just keep out of his way but this time hadn’t realised how close to exploding he was’
So this isn’t exactly new, just probably the worst she’s seen him.

He told her to fuck off and so she has.
Now awaiting his reaction when he realises that’s what she’s done because I don’t think he really wants her to leave.

OP posts:
Bunbunbunny · 03/12/2018 18:48

She needs to stay away from that man, he’s not safe for her or your grandchild. Better she deals with it now before the baby comes. She shouldn’t be living on eggshells all the time, it’s not healthy

PourMeAGlassOfMilk · 03/12/2018 19:07

Your DD is lucky to have seen his true colours before the baby arrives and also to have you supporting her. She would be very vulnerable living with him after the birth and with a tiny newborn to consider. Good luck with the midwife. I was asked about DV during each of my pregnancies, so I'm sure they will have procedures to follow.

dontcallmelen · 03/12/2018 19:14

Glad your dd is safe & by the sounds of him seems it could probably be the best thing for both her & the baby, no atmosphere or behaviour to bring up a child.
Depends very much on the area you live, but possibly the local council homeless department maybe able to help her, if you put in writing that the family home is overcrowded & dd can only stay for a very short time, they may put her in temporary accommodation, then possibly social housing or private rent.
Yy midwife appointment & inform them of recent events.

OohBabyBabeh · 03/12/2018 19:22

She needs to contact the council and explain she is being made homeless and has no where to go. Likely they will put her up in a B&B until they find her permanent accommodation.

This is how it works around my way, anyway.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee · 03/12/2018 19:34

Oh dear, what a awful situation. She is so young, it's sad that she has to deal with this.

I'd be a bit nervous of her going into emergency housing with the baby. Young mothers are far, far more likely to suffer from post natal depression. I'd be worried about her living alone somewhere miserable.

It's such a difficult situation. It at least she has left her awful ex and that it sounds like it's a done deal.

Good luck OP. I'd be devastated if I were you.

mistywintermorning · 03/12/2018 19:35

Honestly, I'd have my DD at mine.

AlpacaPicnic · 03/12/2018 19:40

Get her out by any means possible... Do you know anyone with a room for rent? Ask around and you may find a friend of a friend who can help out.
She and the baby need to be away from someone who gets violent at the slightest provocation.

Original poster
Calmlypanic · 03/12/2018 19:44

I’m so relieved she’s here tonight and just wish I could think of a way for her to stay here but with the baby due in just 5 weeks I can’t see how we could possibly do it.
Also, I’ve heard that if she’s staying with family, even on the couch and whether baby is born or not, then she’s not considered really homeless and so even if we could keep to this arrangement in the short term it might be a spanner in the works for her getting help to get her own place.

OP posts:
mistywintermorning · 03/12/2018 19:46

If you have three kids, I'd probably get a sofa bed for downstairs, give her and the baby one room , one DC in next biggest and have two DCs in the biggest.

Yes, it's a nightmare, I get that, but what else can she do?

OohBabyBabeh · 03/12/2018 19:47

@Calmlypanic yes you (the homeowner) have to speak to the council and say you are kicking her out by x date. Not nice I understand but it's just how it works unfortunately.

OohBabyBabeh · 03/12/2018 19:48

The when that date comes they'll temporarily house her while they find perm accommodation.

Threadastaire · 03/12/2018 19:49

Op, the council can class her as homeless if she's temporarily stopping with you, as long as you and her make it clear that it is only temporary because your circs mean that it's not manageable as a permanent home (which it isn't, just based on the overcrowding as you've said). You don't get more priority for long term housing by being placed in temp accommodation /b&b (unless it's a scheme with a high level of support where you get automatic extra priority for being high need, eg some MH specific accommodation)

However the likelihood of being offered a council or HA property varies hugely depending on what area you live in, plus even if she does stand a chance she'll be expected to take whatever is offered first and they rarely take into account location as long as it's within the county, which is hard. The quickest way for her to find housing would be private rent IF you or it family can help with the deposit cost. Most council homeless teams will have someone who liaises with private landlords who will consider people on housing benefit, those who do are more likely to look favourably on a mum and baby (as LLs often assume that DSS tenants will be problem tenants but having a baby is an 'acceptable' reason to be on benefits and that a parent will look after the property, it's a stereotype but might work in her favour)

Original poster
Calmlypanic · 03/12/2018 19:49

I’m really proud of her that she’s left him though.

She messaged him this morning to say she might go and stay with a mate a few hours away to give them some space for a couple of days. This was before she spoke to me.

He’s home from work and has just sent a text asking if she’s at the mates and where is his charger for his tablet Hmm

Luckily she’s actually in our home in the same town but I’m glad he doesn’t know that. She would have gone to the friend but she felt should be near to her midwife, hospital and family. I agree with that.

OP posts:
mistywintermorning · 03/12/2018 19:51

Yeah but thread will she be able to find a private landlord to take her if she's unable to pay rent?

OohBabyBabeh · 03/12/2018 19:58

@mistywintermorning a lot of private landlords don't care. How it works is that the council will sit down with op's dd and talk finances, they will offer to pay say 90% (example!!) of the rent if she can pay the other 10% using child support or any income she has. My friend did this and just had to declare all her finances to them and they offered her x amount so she could privately rent

Threadastaire · 03/12/2018 20:12

@mistywintermorning Some councils will liaise with landlords who have properties that rent at or near the level paid as the local housing allowance or UC rates. In return the LLs save on fees to find tenants and cost of vacancies. Depends how proactive the council is and how expensive the private rents are.

Original poster
Calmlypanic · 03/12/2018 20:37

Thanks so much for your replies. I’m beginning to feel a bit more positive about things and that they will work out somehow. The most important thing is that she’s safe.

OP posts:
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