To ask for help. 8 months pregnant DD’s DP wants to split up

[Calmlypanic]

He’s told her they’re only together for the baby and he doesn’t love her.
They rent, well he does. The tenancy is in his name only.
He’s told her he’s not throwing her out (doesn’t want to look bad I expect) so she could stay but he’s being nasty to her and making her feel uncomfortable when he’s there.

Ideally she’d like to leave him but the baby is due next month and she has nowhere else to go.
We have a 3 bedroomed house and still have 3 of her siblings living here with us so we don’t have room for her to actually come here to live, especially once the baby is here.
We would of course put her up as an emergency temporary measure but I think that might be seen as her having somewhere to live and she would struggle to get help from the council or whatever.
She has no savings, lives from wage to wage and is on SMP now.
We have no savings to help her with either.
What a mess. What on earth is she supposed to do?

Sorry here is women's aid number - your Dd or you should start here

information and support on domestic abuse

The National Domestic Violence Helpline
0808 2000 247 Freephone 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline
Run in partnership between Women’s Aid

Hi,

I would recommend speaking to women’s Aid. They maybe able to find her a refuge place. They can do an over the phone assessment.
As she left the property she would be viewed as making herself intentionally homeless. Not sure where you are but my local authority won’t put you as emergency if you can’t provide actual evidence of being asked to leave or evicted.

Oof tough one OP
Whilst I hate to say it , it does look like she will need to kick up a fuss to get housed . Which might mean you have to ‘refuse ‘ to take her . But this has happened to 2 young girls in my neighbourhood and both were housed and locally too . I live in London not sure if the housing situation is ok where you are ? Anyway it happened to a few young mums and they all landed on their feet (eventually ) and are working and studying
And their kids are fab !

Quick update for you all. She took the place in the mother and baby unit and settled in very quickly. It’s a great little place and there are only 5 other families living there (that’s all there’s space for, 6 families)
She has her own ‘flat’ in there and there’s lots of community stuff that goes on that she can choose to join in if she wants...or not. She’s basically got freedom and independence.

And her dd arrived a couple of weeks after she moved in. They’re doing great and coping brilliantly.

She is struggling to know what to do about her dd father abusive cunt
He’s messaging daily asking to see the baby and she wants him to have contact but the social worker closed her case when she moved into the unit and stated that they don’t help with contact centres anyway and she should be able to arrange contact herself considering how capable she’s proved herself to be by moving away from him

The rules of the unit state that he can’t know where they’re living so she won’t even disclose what town they’re now in .
So she’s a bit stuck on that one.

But overall they’re safe, no longer walking on eggshells (keeps mentioning the calm atmosphere there, it’s heartbreaking that she doesn’t realise that’s what ‘normal’ feels like )

I would discourage your DD from facilitating contact. Not always a popular opinion on here, but I don’t believe it is in a child’s best interests for angry/abusive men to have any influence over their lives. Let him take it to court.

She needs to get back in touch with social worker and also alert the staff at the contact centre that he wants to see baby. There was a reason she had to go out of area to a unit and not a unit near him or remain at your house.

With a new born she needs help to sort this out. Shame she didn't change her phone number.

Glad she is doing okay. I would suggest she doesn't put him on birth certificate and see if he takes her to court.
He doesn't sound like the sort of person you would want in your childs life anyway!

Have you asked for a search of his previous convictions etc? Not sure how you go about that but she could ask -

@tomatosalt it feels to me like it would be a bad move letting him see her. The texts follow a familiar pattern from ‘how is she today, did she sleep well last night?’ To ‘you can’t just keep her from me forever, I’m her fucking dad you stupid slut’
So he’s still abusive.

@Cuttingthegrass I forgot to mention that there has been police involvement following some of his messages including threats to kill her and the baby but because they were sent on a messaging app the police have said they can’t prove it’s him who’s sent them and he’s denying it so it’s her word against his. Really sorry I didn’t include that in my update, it’s pretty significant.
The police advised her to block him on everything except her phone so that he can still text her, as if he sends any more threats by text message there will be proof.
I might encourage her to get a new number for everything else and keep that one solely for his contact?

She’s also very worried about how what she’s done looks to others. He’s told everyone she’s lying and saying he’s hit her so she could get a council house! (He assumes that she’s been given a house, he has no idea where she really is) She’s never said he’s hit her and the council still wanted her out of the area. He really doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.
She’s worried that by not arranging some contact soon she will be accused of keeping their child from him.
By the way, she only ever responds to the first message ‘she’s doing well, slept well’ never reply’s to the abusive stuff.
I will encourage her to call social services and ask how they think she can deal with this.
She’s asked me if I could allow contact at my home whilst my other children are at school, but I’m actually a bit scared in case he tries to abduct the baby or something.

Social services don't get involved over contact issues, unless they have a statutory duty to, ie where social services have issued care proceedings to remove a child, which means they have a duty to make sure that child can see their parents. And contact centres are usually expensive and time limited, used for assessment purposes or for the duration of care proceedings.

Until (if) he applies to court, contact matters are the responsibility of parents. If he's abusive to her but if she does feel it's best for baby to meet dad, then her best bet would be to have an agreed 3rd party (family/friend) take baby to see dad. If shes EBF then itd need someone to collect her and baby, drop mum off in a cafe and take baby to see dad in a neutral venue 5mins away. Not straightforward I know but in reality that's how it tends to work.
It's very tempting to wait for court when the other parent is vile, but a good rule of thumb is to consider whether you'd feel comfortable talking to the child when they're a teenager about what steps you/your daughter took when they were a baby. If you feel it's right then great, if you'd want to be hiding it, have a rethink!
Really glad your daughter is doing well though, it must have been so worrying when everything was unknown.

Sorry cross post!

Threats to hurt and abduct the baby? No contact! Social services prob wont still get involved if she's taking all the right steps to protect the baby (which sounds like she is) but she could always call for advice or to log what he's threatening in case it escalates. Social services don't need a conviction to take his actions seriously, they can use 'balance of probabilities' for safeguarding decisions.

If your daughter wants to take steps to show she's doing what she can (eg if she's worried about being taken to court) then she could consider indirect contact - she has photos of dad to show baby, she sends a picture and update to dad via third party. The latter id only recommend if she felt it was safe as it sounds like it could antagonise him. She could alternatively keep a little record for dad for future (if he ever gets his shit together).

@hidinginthenightgarden he won’t be going on the birth certificate as that would mean him finding out her home town as far as we can tell and she doesn’t want him to know where she is.

@GreenTulips they did a check on him when she told them about the threats (unsure whether she formally requested this) he has no previous convictions.

@Posterbook it’s so tempting to leave it up to him and let him take it to court, then there might be the option of a contact centre scenario.
But it does feel very wrong to my dd, she already thinks it’s been far too long and that he still has a right to see her.
Her dd is ebf so perhaps I could be the one to do as you’ve suggested. Rather than meet at my home, meet somewhere very public for a very short time to start with and go from there?

@Posterbook my crosspost now!
So even though the police could do nothing she could still cite the threats as good reason for him not to meet the baby?
I will ask her to consider the other options you’ve suggested as a starting point at least.

I would help her keep away from her ex at all costs.

I had to have a letter from the friend I sofa surfed with saying he was unable to continue to allow me and my kids to stay and that as of that particular date which I was presenting to the council, I couldn't return to his house. If you provide your daughter with the same, they have to help.

Sorry, I missed a page.

Women's Aid helped me greatly. They can and will advocate for your daughter.

I don't think it sounds like he should be allowed a relationship with your grandchild. And from experience I would also be concerned about having him actively involved in the slightest because men like him will do their best to bully the mum for years

Somewhere very public, where you know and feel comfortable and would have back up nearby if needed would be my suggestion - but ONLY if you feel confident that his threats are talk and nothing more. You're daughter would have every right to refuse contact from what you've said. It isn't about his right to see her, it's about the babies right to bond and know their dad, which they have a right to do that should only be overridden if it's not safe. Only you and your daughter can really know where that line is, from knowing him in real life.

If you do decide to go for contact, public places that are contained and have a natural time limit are a good option, also something where there's a distraction in case he struggles when they meet (does he have experience with babies? Is the baby typically settled or a bit a cryer and wriggler?) A baby friendly cafe, a quiet (daytime) soft play, music time at the library etc. Does he have contact with his own family? If theres a decent paternal aunt or nana who could come with him that can also help, esp if he might be on the defensive.

Maybe you should post in the legal section OP? I’m not familiar with English family law but in my (western) country allowing contact can work against you in court. I think the idea is it is difficult to say that you do not feel your child is safe with their other parent when you have already allowed it.

If I was advising my DD in this situation I would tell her not to respond to any of his messages. Inevitably he will get really frustrated he cannot control her and send threatening messages which she can then use as evidence of his behaviour. I would be seriously concerned about any man who can threaten the life of his new baby having contact.

Threats and abuse are absolutely a good reason to delay/restrict contact.

You need to seek legal advice regarding contact , don’t leave it up to him to take her to court , be pre emptive and make sure she know where she legally stands regarding contact