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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for help. 8 months pregnant DD’s DP wants to split up

69 replies

Calmlypanic · 03/12/2018 11:09

He’s told her they’re only together for the baby and he doesn’t love her.
They rent, well he does. The tenancy is in his name only.
He’s told her he’s not throwing her out (doesn’t want to look bad I expect) so she could stay but he’s being nasty to her and making her feel uncomfortable when he’s there.

Ideally she’d like to leave him but the baby is due next month and she has nowhere else to go.
We have a 3 bedroomed house and still have 3 of her siblings living here with us so we don’t have room for her to actually come here to live, especially once the baby is here.
We would of course put her up as an emergency temporary measure but I think that might be seen as her having somewhere to live and she would struggle to get help from the council or whatever.
She has no savings, lives from wage to wage and is on SMP now.
We have no savings to help her with either.
What a mess. What on earth is she supposed to do?

OP posts:

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 03/12/2018 20:38

I really think someone should be giving up their bed for a 8month pregnant daughter or sister! It must be dreadfully uncomfortably to sleep on a sofa.

Original poster

Calmlypanic · 03/12/2018 20:56

@ThatssomebadhatHarry

You’re right about that, I think it’ll have to do for one night then if it’s looking like she’s here for longer then we’re going to have to see what we can do, I’d like her to have a bed at least, if not the small bedroom. But that might mean all 3 siblings in the big bedroom or something, I need to have a good think.

OP posts:

Zulor · 03/12/2018 20:58

Your poor dd! She must be devastated.

rosenylund · 03/12/2018 20:58

Sofa surfing comes under the banner of homelessness now, and rightly so. She'll also be counted as over crowded at yours. Ask her to contact the local homelessness team, they will normally invite her for an assessment. Bring all id docs etc, mat form etc.

bellabasset · 03/12/2018 21:59

She's warm, dry and safe with her family. That's a good start, find out what the next step is, check what benefits she is entitled to.

KandoKat · 04/12/2018 09:12

I can only echo what others have said, at least she is with you and safe. What comes next, who knows, but she is with her family at her most vulnerable time, and in many ways that is so important.

Petitprince · 04/12/2018 10:53

Did she live with you before she moved in with her partner? Did the others share then?

poptartprincess · 04/12/2018 12:31

Check the entitled to benefits check, itll be able to give a rough estimate of what support your DD can get financially. I hope things work out for you all.

lalalalyra · 04/12/2018 12:46

Pregnancy is a prime time for domestic violence to start or escalate so it's great she's had the strength and support to leave.

Good luck

Original poster

Calmlypanic · 04/12/2018 15:11

@Petitprince one of them was a baby when she still lived with us so he was in our room in a cot, he’s now in a full size single bed.

@poptartprincess we will check that out, thank you.

@lalalalyra yes, I’ve heard that’s the case. I’m very glad she’s out of there, thank you.

She’s made some calls and it looks like she may be getting a social worker, we’re waiting to hear about that.
Looks like she’s spending another night with us though as so far they’re not answering the question of where she can move out to, even though as far as they know she’s still at his house.

She won’t tell them she’s staying with family as she thinks they won’t help her and will think it’s okay for her to just stay here.

OP posts:

Original poster

Calmlypanic · 05/12/2018 19:19

An update, if anyone has any experience of this and can offer any advice that would be great.

She’s been put in touch with a team at our local council who are pushing for her to go to a mother and baby unit that isn’t in our town, it’s 30 miles away.
We told them she was staying with us temporarily and we have changed things around so that she now has a small room in our house for as long as she needs it.
They said that although they can’t force her to leave our house they wouldn’t recommend that she stays because he knows where we live so there’s a risk that he could get to her and harm her or the baby. Similarly, she can’t stay in the local unit because if he found out she was there then the other mothers and babies there are at risk too.

So she’s agreed to go and they’ve said she can go tomorrow.
She’s in pieces about it though and so am I.
She will be far away in a place she doesn’t know and where she knows nobody just as she is about to have her baby and if that wasn’t bad enough she has been told to expect to be there for ‘a good few months to a year’

This is so so hard for her and I’m heartbroken for her

OP posts:

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee · 05/12/2018 19:25

That sounds awful but I suppose she can give it a try and see how it goes. It might be ok.

Is it worth speaking to someone else about the security risk if your daughter stays with you. Perhaps the police. I don’t know but it just seems like a big decision to make based on someone from the councils say so. Iyswim. Perhaps you could make a few security changes to your house or something.

TedAndLola · 05/12/2018 19:29

Calmlypanic Did his behaviour escalate overnight? Although his behaviour was terrible and your daughter is better away from him, he hasn't actually been violent towards her or made any threats and what the social worker says seems a big overreaction.

I think she should be with her mum at a time like this, even if things are tight.

TedAndLola · 05/12/2018 19:30

^ To clarify, I don't think you need to worry about him "coming after her." That's all I mean by an overreaction, not excusing him shouting at her or throwing things near her.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 05/12/2018 19:41

Sorry OP but mother and baby units, in my experience of visiting many of them, are not nice places. Yes, they are staffed but she will be living alongside other adults who have their own problems in a somewhat communal environment. If I were you I would try to make it work with your DD with you for now.

AngryatEx · 05/12/2018 19:51

Maybe she has shared more with the social worker about his temper and possible abuse as she doesn't want to worry or upset you? My mum doesn't know half of what went on in my marriage, she just knows it was bad and I had to get out.

Original poster

Calmlypanic · 05/12/2018 19:52

It does feel like a massive step considering he hasn’t physically hurt her.
We haven’t spoken to the police but I think that’s a good idea.
He does seem to be ‘all talk’ the whole time she’s been away from his home he’s been sending texts (sometimes over 100 a day) they start with a simple question ‘when will you be back’ or similar and escalate to name calling and telling her to fuck off and die.

At the beginning of the pregnancy (the day after they found out) he had a massive outburst over something small and threw something then.
She split from him and he sent lots of awful texts including to threaten to burn her house down, that threat was logged with police but they didn’t even go and speak to him or anything.
He then somehow reeled her back in and they moved in together. He’s been outwardly great. Set up home, proposed to her, loads of nice stuff but since she’s been here and talked things over, and over it does seem there has been a fair bit of low level abuse.
She describes knowing when he’s in a mood and just keeping out of his way or he’ll start a row.
If anything is wrong she gets the blame.
She has been walking on eggshells in order to keep things from escalating but I think it was inevitable.
She’s kept all this from me until now so I thought they were fine although I never liked him and tried my hardest to stop her taking him back previously but she just wanted the family together I think.

Being separated from us right now just doesn’t seem right at all.

OP posts:

nocoolnamesleft · 05/12/2018 19:56

It makes one wonder whether the gentleman in question has a history that is known to police/social services...

Original poster

Calmlypanic · 05/12/2018 20:06

@nocoolnamesleft now you mention it, he grew up in the care system!
No convictions afaik.

OP posts:

PixieCutRegret · 05/12/2018 20:06

How shitty that your poor DD has to be the one to move. If he's that dangerous he should be the one to move!

I'm so sorry this is happening OP, you sound like a lovely Mum

Feefeetrixabelle · 05/12/2018 20:09

30 miles is not unmanageable and it’s not forever. Is it a refuge they’ve placed her in? They will be best placed to helping her find accommodation that keeps her and your future grandchild safe

RoboticMary · 05/12/2018 20:12

What a scumbag he is. Just the lowest of the low. for you all OP.

In my experience of mother and baby units, they’re not nice places. Do you think she might be able to stay with you a little while instead? You’ll both be happier and the early time with a newborn is so precious. She must be able to enjoy her new baby. If she could be somewhere familiar and comfortable I’m sure she’d be happier?

Can she block him and go completely no contact? It’s what I’d do... remove him from the equation completely. He’ll be neither use nor ornament. And I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate either, that leads to a whole other heap of trouble.

dontcallmelen · 05/12/2018 20:14

Hi Op, I would go & have a look at what they are offering, some units are better than others, also in the long term she would then probably stand a much better chance of getting social housing, which would then be a bit more affordable than private rent & also offer a secure tenancy.

PandoraBraith · 05/12/2018 20:47

Hello OP, I don't want to give you more to do but I would advise you or your DD get in touch with Women's Aid. Your DD's DP sounds abusive to me. They will know what to do, where she can go for help and put her in touch with local support groups. His behaviour is unacceptable and I think she should be getting more help. They could potentially help her with getting a court order preventing him from hassling her (a non molestation). It's also possible - I don't know this for a fact - if his behaviour is bad enough she may get an occupation order that means he has to leave their rented accommodation. They won't make your DD do anything she doesn't want to but they are a great source of support and advice. Don't be put off by the word violence - they support women just like your DD. I know because they helped me and my exh was abusive but not violent. Your DP behaviour is not only unacceptable it's almost certainly illegal and your Dd is entitled to more help.

information and support on domestic abuse 0808 2000 247 Freephone 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline

PandoraBraith · 05/12/2018 20:54

Hello OP, I don't want to give you more to do but I would advise you or your DD get in touch with Women's Aid. Your DD's DP sounds abusive to me. They will know what to do, where she can go for help and put her in touch with local support groups. His behaviour is unacceptable and I think she should be getting more help. They could potentially help her with getting a court order preventing him from hassling her (a non molestation order). It's also possible - I don't know this for a fact - if his behaviour is bad enough she may get an occupation order that means he has to leave their rented accommodation - not her. They won't make your DD do anything she doesn't want to but they are a great source of support and advice. Don't be put off by the word violence - they support women just like your DD. I know because they helped me and my exh was abusive but not violent. Her DP behaviour is not only unacceptable it's almost certainly illegal and your Dd is entitled to more help and protection than she is getting. Especially being 8 months pregnant.

Rights of Women offers free legal advice It's excellent. National Line: For women in England and Wales
Call 020 7251 6577
Monday – Thursday 7pm – 9pm, Friday 12pm – 2pM

London line: For women in London
Call 020 7608 1137
Monday 11am-1pm, Tuesday 2pm – 4pm, Wednesday 10am – 12pm and 2pm – 4pm, Thursday 10am – 12pm and 2Pm
Good luck

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