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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some posters will not stop til they get blood

69 replies

DiggersAndDust · 02/12/2018 21:16

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago asking for advice. I was feeling really low at the time, lack of confidence and didn't know what to do about a situation.

I posted on AIBU partly for traffic and partly because I knew I'd get lots of different advice and people would offer blunt advice that they might not give me in real life.

I was prepared to be told I was being unreasonable in how I was handling the situation. I already knew I was being unreasonable to be honest, that's why I wanted advice!! I was stuck and needed help!

Anyway, as expected, I got told IWBU by many, and was given loads of advice, some quite bluntly etc.. ...so far so good! The advice was helpful!

I thanked people for the advice, explained I'd be changing my ways (and have started to do so!!), explained I'd be mulling over what had been said to me (and still am and it's leading to positive changes!), recognised I was doing things wrong, and explained to posters some of the changes I'd make as a result of the advice given!

Then.... some posters started hammering me and continuing to dig in.

That's the bit I don't get! Hmm and which did start to make me feel really shit to be honest! And did start getting me defensive (Blush), and did start bringing me down big time!

I mean, after the OP admits they r wrong, accepts they were being unreasonable, says they'll change and thanks people for their advice, why would people continue laying into the OP??

It feels like the OP accepting advice and making changes is just not enough for some posters! Some posters seem to want blood! It's like they r not happy til the OP completely breaks down. And even then, the digs continue in a kind of 'kick 'em while they're down' way. I personally felt the attacks were quite bullying.

Just wondering if anyone else has wondered a similar thing and wondered what the motive might be for the posters that bully (who are often the ones coming across high and mighty and anti-bullying!)

Prepared to be told IABU! (and unlike the last time I posted, I am also now prepared for posters wanting blood!! So bring it on if you want!!!!)

OP posts:
category12 · 02/12/2018 21:19

Were they posters who had RTFT? A lot of people seem to see a massive thread 10 pages long and still don't bother reading the updates.

Wolfiefan · 02/12/2018 21:20

That happens a lot. Lots of posts. OP says. “OK I ABU”
People don’t spot that and all pile on.

paintinmyhairAgain · 02/12/2018 21:21

once you thanked posters and said you were going to make changes it might have been better 'with hind sight, to leave it at that and not engage further. most peeps on here are very helpful, others you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

AutumnCrow · 02/12/2018 21:21

They probably didn't read the thread, agreed.

It's annoying; yet common.

paintinmyhairAgain · 02/12/2018 21:22

cat is right many won't have read the thread, made assumptions and crashed in all guns blazing, but to anyone else they make themselves look like total knobs.

Wolfiefan · 02/12/2018 21:23

Now I’m wondering what you posted about!!! Hmm

LavenderBush · 02/12/2018 21:24

Happens on other types of threads as well.

OP asks for advice on what to do and gets lots of advice to (for example) cancel a playdate.
OP posts to say "OK, I've cancelled the playdate now."
100 more posters then arrive saying "Ooh you should definitely cancel the playdate!"

facepalm

Mookatron · 02/12/2018 21:26

Yes. People can be really unpleasant. It becomes a sort of competition as to how thoroughly nasty they can be, or maybe it's just athat one uncalled for piece of viciousness gives licence for more.

I wonder if people forget there is (usually) a person with feelings behind the keyboard on the other end sometimes.

volvicsummerfruits · 02/12/2018 21:28

Yeah. I think there is a hive mentality sometimes. One person gives an opposition to the OP. OP responds often accepting what the opposition was. Cue lots of posters saying exactly the same thing in slightly different words long after the OP buggers off and gets on with life

Don't let it bother you.

Mookatron · 02/12/2018 21:31

Hiding the thread is useful in these situations. You don't have to come back if you don't want to.

greencatbluecat · 02/12/2018 21:37

YANBU. I remember your thread and thought pretty much the same.

When I posted my own threat I had a constructive discussion with some posters, but one in particular said something like "get a grip woman. Stop being an idiot". Just plain nasty. Nothing to be gained by posting something like this other than the fun of anonymously 'having a go' ..... so I am not convinced it is always people not reading previous posts.

iVampire · 02/12/2018 21:41

I saw someone who piled in with a ‘cancel the cheque’ type comment, who also informed all and sundry that we were being unreasonable in telling to ro RTFT.

You really are much better off using the topics, especial for anything that has even the slightest personal/emotional resonance.

Any poster can have an off day (or make a mistake such as missing a page and missed a key update.

Just post what you think is right, and recognise that you cannot control how others post. If you think it breaks talk guidelines, report it. If you decide MN is not the place you want to be any more, try other sites. Life’s too short to stay in places, real or online, which you find sapping

Foamybanana93 · 02/12/2018 21:41

Because people on here think they can be complete arseholes because there behind a user name and a screen, yet they wouldn’t dare say the same thing to your face in real life, but that’s mumsnet Hmm

paintinmyhairAgain · 02/12/2018 22:06

foam i often think some of the nastiest posts are either written by people with a stick jammed up their arses or the types who feel inferior in rl but can gain some sort of power through the key board in being nasty about others.

PurpleDaisies · 02/12/2018 22:08

I mean, after the OP admits they r wrong, accepts they were being unreasonable, says they'll change and thanks people for their advice, why would people continue laying into the OP??

It’s a pet hate of mine too. People should read the thread. Clearly they think they’re too important to even skim for the OP’s posts.
Hiding threads is a good course of action.

Yidette86 · 02/12/2018 22:25

There's some unpleasant people on here I'm afraid, it's all too easy to sit behind a screen and be nasty to strangers for some... I just pity them as their lives can't be that fulfilling if they feel the need to do that.

staydazzling · 02/12/2018 22:27

you do unfortunately get a certain pack bullying mentality, i think no forum is immune from that.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/12/2018 22:37

It's no secret that AIBU is not the place to post if you're after a bit of tea and sympathy. It's well known for being bloody horrible, so why people come along and post here when they're feeling their worst is beyond me.

Chat is much less hostile.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 02/12/2018 22:39

YANBU. Often the OP is quite clear they're being self reflective happy to accept they're over reacting etc. Surely it's enough to say "yes I do think YAB a bit U, maybe try this" without the nasty comments.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 02/12/2018 22:41

Yes one starts and the sheep follow

It’s always happened on here

Thankfully many posters are not like this and no one has to answer to anyone. When I see demands that the op comes back or replies to a question I always think who the fuck do they think they are

LizzieBennettDarcy · 02/12/2018 22:42

I got laid into in spectacular fashion once, OP and I was really knocked by it. I didn't dare post again for weeks after. Then I saw a thread and saw the same poster doing exactly the same to someone else! It made me realise it wasn't personal, and how lucky i was not to know that person in real life. Some people are just genuinely nasty.

Livelovebehappy · 02/12/2018 22:57

Sometimes it feels like people come on purposely looking for a scrap. I always think that those people have probably had a crap day at home/work and want to vent and release their anger, so pop on AIBU to do so.

CoughLaughFart · 02/12/2018 23:08

It sounds to me like you were well aware of the pitfalls of AIBU, but were somehow still expecting a different result.

MonsterTequila · 02/12/2018 23:21

I agree OP, sometimes it can be because the OP is still making excuses for their BU though, so posters will continue to try and explain to them why they’re bu. Other times I think some people are genuinely nasty, some are looking for an outlay of their own irl stress & others who may otherwise be quite lovely in real life get sucked into the cycle of passing judgement on anons because it makes them feel superior.

TheChickenOfTruth · 02/12/2018 23:35

To be fair, I do really wish there was an option to show all of the OP's posts on one page so I don't have to scroll through literally 300+ posts to see if there have been some replies. (If there is one and I've missed it please let me know!) That would be lovely on those really meaty threads... Until the OP just responds with "That's a great idea [random username], I'll do that as soon as I get home tonight!" and then I have to scour the thread for that name to see what the heck the OP has decided to do. Man, first world problems all day long.

But yeah also, people suck. The internet is scary because of the disconnect - it even happens at work with people in another department, they become faceless inconveniences instead of people and its so easy to let yourself slip into being passive aggressive if you're not careful!

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