To be jealous she's pregnant?

[sadalone33]

My gran had 2 daughters.
My mum and my aunt.
My mum had me who is 33 and my aunt a daughter also 33.
My mum passed away when I was 14.
My aunt lives abroad and hasn't visited in 4 years.
I've became my grans carer for the last 8 years.
I don't have a job or boyfriend or kids.
I've told my aunt for years I can't do it anymore,she has to sort something out and still nothing happens.
I've begged her,I'm suffering bad with anxiety now and I know my life is passing me by.
My aunt called today and announced her daughter is having a baby.
I'm jealous beyond belief ..she has a job,a nice house,a boyfriend and now a baby..I have nothing.
I'm trapped in this hell.
I want a baby,I want a family and this is what I get.
My aunt wouldn't allow her daughter this life yet she's happy for this to be my life.
If my mum hadn't of died my life would be so different.
I'm not a nasty woman but I'm so jealous.
I want a child too.

Hi OP, I remember you. YANBU for feeling jealous, it's good, maybe it will stir you into action. As long as you are there caring for your gran there is no reason for anyone else to step into the role. You will be there indefinitely.

Be firm with AS tell them you are at the end of the line and not coping. It will be better for you and your gran if she is in a professional care home. Then you can get a job and start meeting people. Lots of women starting a family until mid to late thirties.

My friend 4 yrs ago was 33, single, living at home with her mum. She is now 37. Just moved in to her new house with bf and is due her first baby in March. 33 is not to old.

It may be morally your Aunts responsibility to sort your Grans care, but how many more years of your life are you going to see go by waiting for her to step up when she's shown you over the past few years she won't do it.

You only get one life, you have to take control of what you want to strive to achieve during it. It's not too late for you to take control and direct your attention towards having children, but it you continue to wait for your Aunt and let more of your life pass you by, if will be too late.

Not matter how many times you ask, no-one has a magic wand they can wave to make your life look like how you want it to. It is really in your hands, not in anyone elses, whether you take control of your life or keep being a observer.

I mmyoure not selfish. I think you need to chat to your gran, together research care homes and provision locally.. check them out by visiting then tell your aunt a decision is made. She’s not visited in 4 years so clearly doesn’t care.
My mum cares for her dad - her sister rocks up every 2 weeks to see him, hardly ever confirms until the last minute & doesn’t want to spend her holidays caring for him but seems to think it’s fine for my mum to. My mum is filled with anxiety and is emotionally & physically exhausted but I don’t think her sister cares.

If your Gran has dementia who's got power of attourney?

OP- If you want that then go and get it!
I know you love your gran but 99% of the time (in these situations) no one else is doing it because you are the NHS/council/ social services are so over stretched they won’t step in whilst you’re providing care, even if you say it’s only a ‘temporary measure’ there will always be others popping up who are in dire straights and that will take priority.

You need to just go and get your life back. Make the calls- make it very clear to your aunt THIS IS UNREASONABLE and that you are going to stop/leave on a certain date.

I don't know how you can say it's not my aunts responsibility to sort out my grans nursing home

Yes, but she won't step in. So it's up to you. You can't keep waiting for something that won't happen.

It's not the way things should be. It's the way they are.

You're not too old. I had my baby just before I was 42. And I wasn't the oldest woman in my NCT class either. I think 33 is actually a really good age to start thinking about having a baby. Take advice about getting your grandmother's care sorted out, and this can become a reality for you in the next 4 or 5 years. You have had a hard time but I think that means good things are coming your way in the future.

As someone whose entire 20s went by looking after her Gran too, I completely understand the situation you are in. Since then I also have been the carer for other family members. I have a big family but somehow I ended up designated carer and I’m now 34 and childless too and I’ve missed out on decades of relationships now. My Gran passed away 6 years ago and here’s what I know.

Our Grans would never have wanted us to miss out on our youth and our chance to have a family of our own. It would break their hearts.

Your Aunt should step up but she won’t. You have biological clock and you still have time to have a child. I know it’s hard but it’s time to make other plans for your Gran’s care.

You deserve happiness as much as anyone else and I think it’s good you feel a bit of envy towards your cousin. You’ve been cheated!

The way you are living and the way I’ve lived are choices. They might not have felt like it at the time...we just felt it was the right and loving thing to do. But it’s your time now. You want a different life so you have to choose differently.

You need to prioritise becoming a mum now. I think you’ve still got time to meet someone.

I’m going to be 35 in a couple of months and time is running out. I know that the sperm donor route isn’t right for me, as much as I’d love a biological child. I’m putting energy into trying to meet someone now and also planning that if I’m still single at 37, I’ll start plans to adopt as a single person.

I was at a wedding recently of a woman in her early 50s who had a beautiful 7 year old daughter who she’d adopted on her own. She’d later fell in love with a man who she knew would adore her and her daughter. Things just happened in a slightly different order.

It’s all still possible. But you’ve got to make the decision to change your life, stop care-taking for everyone else and start prioritising your own needs.

Good luck.

Look, you need to just accept that your aunt isn't going to step up, and proceed on that basis. Yes, she's a selfish fucker (unless she had an awful relationship with her mother that you don't know about, which is entirely possible so don't judge too harshly) but you need to live your own life.

On previous threads you've been told to contact SS to explain you're moving away and cannot be responsible for your grandmother's care any longer, or that she's too much to handle. Do not let them talk you into continuing - they'll do anything to keep from having to pay for a care home, you will need to be really firm.

It is not only ok, it is the RIGHT THING to do - it's utterly wrong to waste your youth and fertility like this. Just because others have managed to conceive at 40+ please don't take this for granted. I'm 34, and only have 1 DC despite 4 very expensive rounds of IVF and a shitload of trying naturally. Don't waste your life, you only get one.

I had a baby at 41 so no not to late, demand help from aunt. You need a life of your own. Good luck

Your aunt won't take responsibility. So if your gran can't make the decision then the state (SS) will do.

Stop waiting for your aunt. Pass responsibility to social services and get on with your life.

Op,were you rhe previous poster? Is fhere something else going on here?

You know all you have to do is go to thr gp and say you won't be caring for your gran anymore and she'll be put into care. That's what you want. Her to go to go into care.

So why aren't you doing it? You're not trapped in this hell by anything other than your own hand.

Is this more a choice you've made due to various factors ? And now you've envious of your cousin and want to blame someone, any one for where you are?

Because the bottom line is you could get up tomorrow morning and make a phone call to your gp.

If you wish to change your life you can.

It doesn't need a gp/social services. If there is money available (gran owns her house) then just go and look at some care homes.

RedHelenB if the gran hasn't got capacity and the OP (or someone in the UZ) doesnt have LPA then the decision needs to be made by an agent of the state.

The OP hasn't replied to this question though. There is also the option of paid carers.

OP you sound amazing.

I think this care arrangement is in a sense quite abusive. Your aunt should have listened to you and respected your view. It's hugely unfair and coercive for her to not act.

SS can put in a package of care fairly rapidly (within 24hrs if someone is discharged from hospital). They may try and stall, give them a deadline and walk away.

Oh and tell SS you have asked your aunt to make other arrangements ages ago and nothing happened. Explain you want a job and a family - hopefully they will see how deeply unfair your aunt has been and act quickly.

Have you posted about this before OP, it sounds familiar?

Do you have power of attorney for your gran?

At the end of the day, your aunt will never step up but you need your own life. Call SS and explain the situation, that you have your own health issues and that they need to step in
Take control of your own life and your own destiny, because nobody else will do it for you.

It's actually not your aunt's responsibility it's yours. Just because she's the daughter doesn't make it so.

I feel for you but you're the only one who can get out of this.

There is also the very real issue of a 96 year old woman with dementia living alone. The time has likely come not just for the op, but for her grans safety to be in a care home.