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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be jealous she's pregnant?

97 replies

sadalone33 · 02/12/2018 13:13

My gran had 2 daughters.
My mum and my aunt.
My mum had me who is 33 and my aunt a daughter also 33.
My mum passed away when I was 14.
My aunt lives abroad and hasn't visited in 4 years.
I've became my grans carer for the last 8 years.
I don't have a job or boyfriend or kids.
I've told my aunt for years I can't do it anymore,she has to sort something out and still nothing happens.
I've begged her,I'm suffering bad with anxiety now and I know my life is passing me by.
My aunt called today and announced her daughter is having a baby.
I'm jealous beyond belief ..she has a job,a nice house,a boyfriend and now a baby..I have nothing.
I'm trapped in this hell.
I want a baby,I want a family and this is what I get.
My aunt wouldn't allow her daughter this life yet she's happy for this to be my life.
If my mum hadn't of died my life would be so different.
I'm not a nasty woman but I'm so jealous.
I want a child too.

OP posts:

SantaClauseMightWork · 02/12/2018 14:01

Give your aunt an ultimatum. Tell her she has to sort this out and come back or you will leave things as they are. You will have to be firm.

PositivelyPERF · 02/12/2018 14:02

BTW, OP, you need to tell SS that you’re walking away from caring side, or they’ll just keep putting you off. If the powers that be think they can manipulate you into continuing the care, then they can justify not spending the money on care. You need to stand firm.

Ngaio2 · 02/12/2018 14:05

OP one can have a fulfilling childfree life but involuntary childlessness is one of the most painful situations.
You have started to ask the right questions. If you would regret not trying to have a child when you become menopausal then you need to start planning.
Would your godson’s mother be supportive of your plan? Given limitless time you could seek alternative care for GM, start dating, looking for suitable fathers, however, with your time frame I’d personally make plans for motherhood first with the possibility of meeting a partner in the future. There has never been a better time to complemplate single motherhood. Read as much as you have time for about child development and single parenthood so you are prepared for the practicalities. Now is the time to put yourself first, be brave and assertive

Stellaomalley · 02/12/2018 14:17

Sometimes extreme jealousy can be the much-needed trigger that pushes you to change your life. I think you need to get support, right now, to help you live the life you wish to live. This support won't come from this aunt. Good luck

minniemummy0 · 02/12/2018 14:22

I don’t know about the caring side of things so can’t give you advice on that side of things.

But I can say I felt I’d missed my chance of having a baby. Then all of a sudden I met the love of my life at 33, got pregnant (on purpose) at 34, and gave birth at 35.

Everyone told me to be prepared for it to be a difficult ride getting pregnant “at my age”, and I dare say some people do. However I got pregnant on my first cycle after coming off the pill.

I’m just sharing to give you hope that things can change dramatically, and fast.

Don’t give up hope. But you do have to start making changes in some way so that the caring isn’t all on you.

DirtyNumbAngel · 02/12/2018 14:24

OP Sorry to hear about your situation, it must be so hard being the sole carer for your gran. You're a better grandchild than most!

Do you gave a carers centre or similar near you? have a google because they can help in so many ways. Respite care, home care, counselling for you, all sorts really.

And you are definitely not too old to have a baby, you just need to start thinking about yourself a bit more.

There's help out there for carers OP. Please reach out for some!

Topsy44 · 02/12/2018 14:28

You definitely haven't left it too late. I had my DD when I was 40!

DishingOutDone · 02/12/2018 14:34

OP do you live with your Gran? Can you tell us some more about the circumstances? How old is Gran and what conditions mean that she needs your care? Has she been assessed by social services? Do you receive benefits/carers allowance?

Of course we'd all encourage you to get out of this situation but I just want to come in with some practical advice and signposting if possible.

user1andonly · 02/12/2018 14:39

I know someone who met her dh and 40 and went on to have three children so, no, it's absolutely not too late for you.

But... I think you've posted before about being sole carer for your Gran? If not you, then there is another poster in a very similar situation.

Your aunt is not going to step up, no matter how many times you ask her to. Nor will social services unless you walk away. Currently, both know how unhappy you are but it suits them to have you look after your Gran so they don't have to. You will have to be the one to change this.

Original poster

sadalone33 · 02/12/2018 14:44

I don't live with her no.
I have my own house (rented )
She is 96 with dementia.

OP posts:

Bringbackbertha · 02/12/2018 14:46

You haven't left it too late. You still have plenty of years even to find someone and have a baby.

Contact your adult social care department at the council to start the process of getting help to care for your gran. Then find some classes or a group in something you enjoy to make sure you do something for yourself.

Internet dating isn't so bad, if you want to try that route then make sure someone knows who you are meeting and where and be prepared to meet some weirdos and not so right ones. Fortunately alot of men your age and older also want to find someone to settle down with (mostly)

You need to live your life but don't give up hope.

YearOfYouRemember · 02/12/2018 15:02

I'm sorry you lost yôur mum as a child .

You're only 33 and tbh if your Gran is 96 she's probably not going to live more than another five years . How would you feel if you gave you the caring and she died quickly, would you regret not caring until the end?

You can still have a life. Having a partner, caring for your gran and building your own family.

Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 02/12/2018 15:07

Haven’t you posted about this before?

OP you have to take responsibility for your own life and stop expecting your Aunt to care. No one else is going to do it. Contact social services. The only person who can change your life is you.

NaturalBornWoman · 02/12/2018 15:11

So you've been caring for your Gran since you were 24? What job did you do before? If you get help with your Gran is it something you can go back to?

RebeccaCloud9 · 02/12/2018 15:17

You have definitely not left it too late - but you do need to make some positive changes NOW or you will find the years slipping away and one day it will be too late. Be pro active and take some of the advice here now while you are feeling the urgency.

You sound like a wonderful, caring person and I'm sure being a mother would suit you perfectly.

Original poster

sadalone33 · 02/12/2018 15:23

I've had lots of jobs,my main one was at the airport as check in.
Then I had to go part time in a shop so I could look after gran then I had to quit to look after her full time.

OP posts:

Original poster

sadalone33 · 02/12/2018 15:24

I don't expect her to care for her,I'm asking her to come over and sort out nursing homes and her home as I just can't do it all.

OP posts:

Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 02/12/2018 15:26

But she isn’t going to do that.

Calamityjac · 02/12/2018 15:38

I don’t think your selfish at all and you’re certainly not old.

You don’t have to wait for your aunt to sort out something else for your gran, you can do it. Phone to speak to her doctors, district nurse, social services and shout very loudly when telling them you need help. If your aunt complains and says anything about it, then tell her to get her arse over to her mothers house to help out.

Your gran is not solely your responsibility.

diddl · 02/12/2018 15:40

"Then I had to go part time in a shop so I could look after gran then I had to quit to look after her full time."

No you didn't have to.

You have to step right away tbh.

Bluntness100 · 02/12/2018 15:44

Op, did you not post about this before? I recall someone caring in a similar situation who also used to work Check in, but there was more of a back story. Is there other family near by?

On another side, speak to your gp and explain you can't cope any more and either your gran will need to be taken into care or carers organised, it's not something you're forced to do.

RedHelenB · 02/12/2018 15:44

I think yabu. You made the choice. Did you live with your Gran from age 14 onwards?

ItIsChristmasTime · 02/12/2018 15:45

I think you sound very caring and selfless.

I’d suggest contacting your gran’s GP, social care worker (if she has one) Age UK etc and tell them all you cannot cope and will not be the carer anymore. It sounds like your gran needs to go into a care home and if you cannot sort out your gran’s home, there are companies that will come in and empty it for you.

ItIsChristmasTime · 02/12/2018 15:46

I didn’t even answer you. Sorry. No YANBU at all. I had my first child at 36.5 and am now pregnant with my fourth.

DistanceCall · 02/12/2018 15:50

You can't just be your Gran's carer, OP. You deserve a life of your own.

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