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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset husband didn't stay with me?

54 replies

TGoTJ · 02/12/2018 09:44

Today is the ten year anniversary of a traumatic experience of mine and I've been struggling in the run up. Hardly slept last night and when I did I had nightmares. I woke up this morning in a panic attack and my husband was getting ready to leave the house to meet his friends.

He noticed I wasn't well when he popped in to say bye, grabbed me a glass of a water and went on his way. Am I unreasonable to think he should have stayed? I've suffered panic attacks at various times in the last ten years and I know I just have to get through each one myself. I just feel a mess and have literally been left on my own to deal with it. It's like my terror and the physical symptoms that come with it was an inconvenience to him.

OP posts:

Roaring · 02/12/2018 09:50

Are you receiving treatment for this OP? It sounds like ptsd type symptoms

RedPandaFluff · 02/12/2018 09:56

Hi @TGoTJ - I'm sorry to read that you're feeling so awful.

Ten years is a long time to be suffering so acutely. Have you ever had formal support to manage this - counselling etc.? The reason I ask is because I think your DH probably isn't equipped to help you (leaving aside whether he should have stayed or not - did you actually ask him to?)

I worry that relying on non-professionals for support is only a temporary fix rather than addressing the root of the issue. Not to randomly diagnose you from a brief mumsnet post but if you have something like PTSD, your DH sitting holding your hand might get you through a current episode, but it's not going to equip you to cope longer-term.

I've learned from my own experiences that relying on someone else is never the answer. I have to take responsibility for my own mental well-being and that in itself makes me feel more powerful and less like a victim.

Flowerpot2005 · 02/12/2018 09:57

Tough situation for you both & im sorry you're feeling so upset.

How long have you & DH been together?

Bloomburger · 02/12/2018 09:59

Did you ask him to stay or expect him to read your mind?

As DH says, men don't do subtle signals, they need great big sledge hammers with what's wrong and what you want from them.

SandyY2K · 02/12/2018 10:02

He had plans... so yes YABU.

Perhaps if you discussed it before the day and asked him to be with you...that would have worked better.

RTFT · 02/12/2018 10:10

With the greatest respect, it's been 10 years...does he even realise? I don't think hibu, it sounds like you could benefit from some therapy so this doesn't affect you as much for the next 10 years.

Sirzy · 02/12/2018 10:16

I think lots of us are guilty of expecting people to know what we think we need without verbalising that and then getting angry when they don’t read our minds.

I don’t think he is necessarily unreasonable to go out.

It sounds like you do need to sit down with him and talk about how your feeling and put a plan together for you to get proper help and support

Snowwontbelong · 02/12/2018 10:18

Yabu to use your dh as your only support if its been so long. Seek professional help.

Petalflowers · 02/12/2018 10:22

Did dh realise the cause of your nightmares, or did he just think you had a bad night sleep. Did he realise it was the ten year anniversary, and you are struggling.

Hope you are okay.

Alfie190 · 02/12/2018 10:25

YABU. He had plans, you didn't ask him not to go. I don't think it is healthy to be so reliant on him for support during episodes after such a long time. You do need to be able to get through things by yourself, with some professional help probably.

Original poster

TGoTJ · 02/12/2018 10:27

Thanks for your responses. I had some counselling in the past and was prescribed antidepressants for years, but things have become more difficult again recently.

DH and I have been together for 12 years. He is fully aware of the incident and has previously tried to be supportive, which is why I was surprised he left. He knows it is the anniversary today, as we have discussed it recently. I didn't expect him to cancel his plans and, no I didn't ask him to stay in so many words, but was unable to speak due to hyperventilating. Although the panic was not a complete surprise to me, it wasn't anticipated in the sense that I knew I would need him today so should have arranged it in advance.

I know it's been a long time, and I'm sure that he doesn't want it to still be such a problem, but it is. I just didn't expect him to wall away while I was so distressed.

OP posts:

LemonTT · 02/12/2018 10:31

As @Alfie190, you seem to have dealt with the attack. Now focus on recovery, by relaxing and distraction. Go for a walk or do what you do to distract from bad thoughts.

RedPandaFluff · 02/12/2018 10:31

I think you're focusing on the wrong issue, @TGoTJ - you're fixated on your husband carrying on with his day even though you were upset; but you're not addressing the issue of your still being so traumatised after such a long time, and what YOUR responsibilities are in helping yourself.

At this point, your DH probably feels pretty helpless and exhausted.

I sympathise, I really do. But you need to seek help from professionals, not your DH. He can't fix this for you.

lovetherisingsun · 02/12/2018 10:34

If you didn't verbalise it, and didn't expect him to cancel plans and didn't book him off in advance to sit with you, I don't think you can really expect him to have stayed? Maybe he thought you were honestly ok. Maybe he's just a bit tired of being your crutch and just needed to get out. It can be absolutely exhausting dealing with mental health, and he's not an expert. I don't think he was unnecessarily unreasonable, though it must;ve felt like it was for you. Sorry you;re going through this

Blanchedupetitpois · 02/12/2018 10:37

I don’t think he should have left while you were in the middle of an actual panic attack - it should have been clear to him that you needed help.

Babymamamama · 02/12/2018 10:38

Focus on getting yourself some help. It's unreasonable to expect your DP to mind read.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/12/2018 10:40

I'm sorry you're so distressed this morning OP, it sounds like your DH has become immune to what you've been through and your subsequent panic attacks to me.

Does he normally stay in with you on the anniversary?

NoThankyouHun · 02/12/2018 10:41

You need to find a way to move on from the "anniversary" of it. Unless you're willing to share more about what it was it can't be something so awful that your husband still shares the same feelings. I think maybe more counselling etc is needed for you to move on and start to distance yourself from remembering exact dates etc. I've been through something traumatic myself and have done this exact process so not just giving advice from a place of non experience. Good luck OP

Original poster

TGoTJ · 02/12/2018 10:46

I don't mean to fixate on my husband's actions and I have taken many steps to get where I am today after what happened. It just adds insult to injury that he has shown less compassion than usual on today of all days.

Ten years ago, I couldn't leave the house and didn't see a way to finish my degree. I overcame many issues and was able to lead a normal life and achieve what I wanted - I am just struggling somewhat again. It doesn't mean I haven't taken responsbility or expect anyone to fix this for me.

I have never had to verbalise my need when someone has witnessed the debilitating effects of a full blown panic attack, let alone my husband. In the past he has challenged others who left me alone in those circumstances to fetch him.

OP posts:

Maelstrop · 02/12/2018 10:50

You were hyper ventilating and he just left you to it?

Zulor · 02/12/2018 10:55

Honey, it's been ten years. Whatever it was can't hurt you now!

Original poster

TGoTJ · 02/12/2018 10:56

NoThankyouHun You need to find a way to move on from the "anniversary" of it. Unless you're willing to share more about what it was it can't be something so awful that your husband still shares the same feelings.

I have seen trigger warnings or titles amended by mumsnet hq an wasn't really sure of the etiquette. However, it definitely is something that ought to be classed as 'so awful'.

OP posts:

RedPandaFluff · 02/12/2018 10:57

But, again, @TGoTJ , you're more concerned about your DH's sudden lack of compassion than trying to understand why you've regressed, and working out what you need to do next.

If it was really obvious you were having a panic attack this morning, then I don't think he should have left you - but I feel sorry for him too; if he left it's probably because he's at the end of his tether and can't deal with it anymore.

I'm not going to say any more as it's possible you're not in the right frame of mind to listen, but I really do hope you start recovering from this - it's awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Zulor · 02/12/2018 11:00

If you said what it was such as a bereavement, an assault etc., we might be able to sympathise better with you OP. Is your DH aware of the anniversary of it? As in, did he mention it today and just leave, or just left (he might have forgotten).

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/12/2018 11:00

I don’t think he so much immune to your upset. It sounds more as if he’s reached a breaking point himself. I really think you need to get some more therapy. Therapy is really hard work so be prepared to go places you don’t want to go. Being upset to the point of panic attack over a past traumatic event means you haven’t processed or moved on from it.

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