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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset husband didn't stay with me?

54 replies

TGoTJ · 02/12/2018 09:44

Today is the ten year anniversary of a traumatic experience of mine and I've been struggling in the run up. Hardly slept last night and when I did I had nightmares. I woke up this morning in a panic attack and my husband was getting ready to leave the house to meet his friends.

He noticed I wasn't well when he popped in to say bye, grabbed me a glass of a water and went on his way. Am I unreasonable to think he should have stayed? I've suffered panic attacks at various times in the last ten years and I know I just have to get through each one myself. I just feel a mess and have literally been left on my own to deal with it. It's like my terror and the physical symptoms that come with it was an inconvenience to him.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/12/2018 11:01

Should have added. He can’t always be there for you if you can’t be there for you. Does that make sense?

DistanceCall · 02/12/2018 11:06

OP, I mean this very kindly. It's been ten years. Your DH has already been through this. You didn't ask him to stay. Perhaps he didn't realise how bad you were feeling. Or perhaps he knows that - as you yourself have said - it's just a matter of sitting down and waiting for it to wash over, so he really couldn't see what he could have done.

I'm sure he would have stayed if you had asked him, but he can't be expected to read your mind, and to be honest, 10 years is a long time.

You clearly haven't received the treatment you need. I would focus on that rather than on your husband.

SnappedandFartedagain · 02/12/2018 11:07

I’m so sorry you are feeling so bad but it sounds like your DH now has compassion fatigue and just didn’t want to cancel his plans to comfort you again for something that happened a decade ago. Is he usually helpful in these circumstances or does he just feel that nothing he does actually helps? I do agree that you need to investigate some new therapy or treatment and stop focusing on the anniversary of the awful event. You can’t continue like this.

Original poster

TGoTJ · 02/12/2018 11:07

It was really obvious and his token gesture was to bring me some water which I couldn't swallow. This isn't something that happens every day or even often, and discussing it the underlying issue him a few days ago is the extent to which I have asked him to share it with me.

I have mentioned the reason I feel this is happening, but don't feel its appropriate to be told it shouldn't be an issue still or that I haven't taken steps to get over it. I believe it will always be part of me and some days are harder than others. If it were a bereavement, I don't see that an anniversary would be an easy time or wouldn't register with loved ones, or it wouldn't be reasonable to find it difficult and need extra support for once.

OP posts:

paintinmyhairAgain · 02/12/2018 11:16

a lot of it depends on what happened back then. you really need professional help with this.

Zulor · 02/12/2018 11:17

He may have forgotten.

Topseyt · 02/12/2018 11:17

I am sorry you are still going through this from whatever the event was. Ten years is a long time. Perhaps you need further professional help?

I am the parent of a DD who has complex MH issues. I don't think it relates to any particular event. It is scary, time consuming, worrying and frustrating (dare I say that?) in equal measure. She tends to shut off and become hard or impossible to reach. I feel I ought to be a mind reader, but I am not. It isn't her fault that she is like that, but it is hard to deal with and to know whether or not I am doing the right things.

Your DH sounds as though he has generally been as supportive as he can be here. He slipped up if he left you having a panic attack. He should have stayed to ensure you would be OK, but we all slip up from time to time. I've no doubt that I do with my DD too.

Be kind to yourself. Get further counselling if it would help. Be kind to DH too. Be kind to each other.

I wish you all the best.

Zulor · 02/12/2018 11:18

Did he even know you were having a panic attack?

masterandmargarita · 02/12/2018 11:19

At some point you have to stop letting the past control your present

CottonTailRabbit · 02/12/2018 11:21

Do you think he perhaps thought you were putting it on to stop him having a day with his friends? Not saying you were but his behaviour sounds like he's lost tolerance.

SnappedandFartedagain · 02/12/2018 11:21

I’ve had a lot of awful bereavements and I can honestly say that at the ten year anniversary (if I remembered it) I was at the stage of remembering them fondly and smiling about the good times rather than having full blown panic attacks and struggling in the run up up. So if something is affecting you this much a decade on, you should really look into new treatments or therapies to help you get over this. It must be difficult for your DH too.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/12/2018 11:25

Does he normally stay with you on the anniversary OP?

Topseyt · 02/12/2018 11:26

By the way, I don't mean to imply that all should be dealt with and back in it's box after ten years. Things often are much more complex than that.

I mean that ten years is a long time to still be suffering and you may need further help.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 02/12/2018 11:27

I have had both severe trauma and big bereavements in my life.

I assume like me that day to day your normally just getting on with life and not living like it happened yesterday and on for example the 7th or 8th anniversary you remembered but just bypassed it rather than fell apart but occasionally like on a big anniversary (10 years) you get surprised and possibly overwhelmed for a bit then your coping skills and your logic kicks in and you get back to normal?

I think in the wake of a huge trauma then it is normal to occasionally fall apart for a bit but as long as you have dealt with it and processed it and your not living in trauma all the time or falling apart every time you think about it then it perfectly ok to have the odd hour where you allow yourself to feel the pain because some trauma you move in from and you heal from but it still alters you in some way and you can't change it happens.

As for your husband. No I don't think he should have had to stay with you and looked after you. You had a horrible wobble but you have had ten years to develop coping strategies and learn how to manage these times so that they don't pull you back to day one again. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I say it with empathy (and someone with complex ptsd)

LagunaBubbles · 02/12/2018 11:31

I'm sorry whatever happened is still affecting your life so much and it's not easy but you need professional help. Your DH doesn't sound cruel and on the surface leaving when you were actually having a panic attack does sound cruel so you need to speak to him later.

Rudgie47 · 02/12/2018 11:32

I think he should have stayed and sat with you, so what that he had fucking plans, you are supposed to be his priority.
Although you should have spelled it out to him that you needed him to stay with you. He could have met his friends a bit later on.

You need to invest in therapy to talk through your issues about the incident and find a way forward for yourself. You also need to discuss through with your husband whats happening in your marriage and sort that out as well. Maybe its time to re evaluate what you both need and want.

ohdearmymistake · 02/12/2018 11:42

Have you relied on him in the past, has he been your emotional support for the last decade?

If so I'm afraid I would have done the same as your DH and left you to it because after all this time I would have run out of understanding.

You have to fix you, if that means getting more counselling then do it for both of yourselves.

Seaweed42 · 02/12/2018 11:45

You said that in the past the symptoms alone were enough to make people stay with you.
Today the symptoms did not make your husband stay.
You thought they would and you were wrong about that.
It's come as a surprise to you.
Sometimes symptoms change their function over time.
The symptoms of a panic attack are an alert system because the body/mind thinks there is an immediate danger.
If the symptoms 'made' your husband stay they might become 'a-husband-staying' mechanism.
Maybe your husband leaving might actually be more helpful in reducing your future symptoms than if he stayed.

MemoryOfSleep · 02/12/2018 11:50

I think it depends on the regularity of these occurrences. If you're like this on a regular basis and have been for the last ten years (no idea if this is the case or not) it speaks volumes for the depth of your DH's love for you and goodness of character that he has stuck it out for this long. Lots of people don't have that amount of compassion. Maybe he feels taken for granted and is just fed up? Do you give as much support as you take?

Agree with PP, seek further help. Your DH sounds like he's been amazing but really you've got to own this for yourself. I'm very sorry you're feeling this way and that you've experienced what you have. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

MatildaTheCat · 02/12/2018 11:55

I’m guessing that he actually couldn’t deal with your feelings today. If he’s lived with your trauma a long time he may be affected himself and therefore not the best person to support you today.

Who can be there for you today? Focus on today and try to get out and talk to someone, try if possible to talk about other things too.

I had EMDR for my ptsd and it was transformative. I highly recommend trying it if you can. It hasn’t cured me but I’m much, much better.

You are safe. You are ok. You survived and live well. Repeat.

KarenWhite29 · 02/12/2018 11:58

I believe it will always be part of me and some days are harder than others.

You are letting this event no matter how horrible still define you. You don't sound at all like you want to let it go. That's sad.

moofolk · 02/12/2018 11:59

It is important, although difficult, to ask for solidarity at times like this.

I was in a situation recently (actually a couple of years ago but still raw) in which I felt hugely betrayed by all my friends for not supporting me in a specific situation and leaving me out of something.

It was related to a past trauma, which I felt me attending a specific event / reunion would have triggered (rapist present). As a result of this I felt isolated from my friends, didn't see the point in even remaining in the same city, etc etc.

Had I actually asked for help and support? No. Did they have any idea I felt like this? Well when I finally spoke to a friend about it she was shocked and appalled. They had taken me at my word that I didn't want to go and had spent the whole night telling him he wasn't welcome as part of the community and telling everyone why. They all assumed someone else had talked to me about it.

Bluerussian · 02/12/2018 12:08

I do feel for you. I have dreadful panic attacks too. I doubt your husband noticed to be honest.

SendintheArdwolves · 02/12/2018 12:13

I get panic attacks in certain situations, and tbh, having someone else there isn't helpful - I know I'm having a panic attack and that I'm not actually in any danger. I need to manage my symptoms and do everything I can to shorten the attack but it's not an "emergency" iyswim, so I don't need anyone to alter their plans around it.

In fact, having my partner focusing on me and treating it like it was a massive deal would probably make things worse. I know it's a panic attack, I know its my brain and adrenal system fucking with me and I know there are things I can do to help myself through it. I expect my partner to be kind and understanding - he would never be brusque or dismissive - but I would never expect him to cancel any plans to stay with me.

LuluBellaBlue · 02/12/2018 12:16

KarenWhite29

I believe it will always be part of me and some days are harder than others.

You are letting this event no matter how horrible still define you. You don't sound at all like you want to let it go. That's sad.

This ^

I’m so sorry OP, but you are coming across as being ‘victim-y’ - only you can find the power within to overcome this.
And yes, I do speak from experience of someone who lived as a ‘victim’ for a number of years until I realised only I can help myself and change my thoughts and thus my life.

Good luck with everything and I hope you find the best route to recovery

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