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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset husband didn't stay with me?

54 replies

TGoTJ · 02/12/2018 09:44

Today is the ten year anniversary of a traumatic experience of mine and I've been struggling in the run up. Hardly slept last night and when I did I had nightmares. I woke up this morning in a panic attack and my husband was getting ready to leave the house to meet his friends.

He noticed I wasn't well when he popped in to say bye, grabbed me a glass of a water and went on his way. Am I unreasonable to think he should have stayed? I've suffered panic attacks at various times in the last ten years and I know I just have to get through each one myself. I just feel a mess and have literally been left on my own to deal with it. It's like my terror and the physical symptoms that come with it was an inconvenience to him.

OP posts:
BeanBagLady · 02/12/2018 12:22

OP, I am so sorry you are living with the long term results of trauma.

You don’t have to ‘justify’ it in order for MN to decide whether or not YABU.

AIBU however, is definitely NOT the arena for serious emotional advice.

It sounds as if he has generally been supportive.

It may be that your DH now feels helpless to help , as you are still so badly affected.

It may be that, feeling helpless, he cannot actually bear to see you in so much pain.

I agree, leaving while you were hyperventilating was pretty hard. But he may have needed a direct request. Given that he may think ‘whatever I do doesn’t make it better’.

I have no experience of PTSD so don’t know what to suggest for getting through today. But look after yourself in any way that the counsellor suggested, or things that make it easier for you to manage the symptoms. And then later, when calm, perhaps ask your DH how he feels when you are so upset?

Maybe both of you could seek help together?

Whatever happened must have been traumatic for him too, at the very least watching you in pain.

Sending virtual tea.

EmbraRocks · 02/12/2018 14:37

How long is he away for and does he often go out socially? I do agree with pp that it does seem more about you feeling he has purposefully 'abandoned' you and may have created a viscious cycle for you.

UpstartCrow · 02/12/2018 14:47

TGoTJ Flowers
AIBU is not the best place to post about trauma, there seem to be several posters who subscribe to the 'just walk it off' school of medicine and one person who has chosen the username of a convicted sex offender.

Anniversary dates are a known trigger for PTSD flashbacks and panic attacks. Its not one we choose. You can choose to be not a victim as much as you like, it wont affect how you respond to a trigger.

Its not a great response for your life partner to hand you a glass of water and walk out.
It can be easier on you if you decide that you are on your own when you deal with this and look for a way to manage and move forwards that don't involve or include him.
If he turns round and complains you are shutting him out, the correct response is a robust 'fuck off' imvho.

DistanceCall · 02/12/2018 15:59

I believe it will always be part of me and some days are harder than others.

Do you WANT it to be a part of you?

PTSD does go away. Trauma does go away. You need therapy. If you want to get rid of this problem, that is.

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