I just want DH to take LO away!!

[MrsMiggel]

Currently sleeping in the spare room with LO who has lately become a cot refuser (breastfeeds to sleep in bed but wakes up screaming if I attempt to transfer to the cot). I’m exhausted and aching. Agreed with DH that he’d get up with LO because he’s slept peacefully all night.

I rang DH to tell him LO had woken up. It took him 20 minutes to come next door into my room. Then he got under the duvet and hung around for another 20 minutes while LO got increasingly wiggly and agitated. In the end I pointed out that I’m not getting a rest unless he pisses off with LO. Now he’s angry because I don’t want them around, I’m nasty and selfish, etc. I don’t see why he can’t just collect LO and leave?!

I’m not sure I would behave as though I had two children if I didn’t, that seems unnecessary

Sadly, you have a man who is a lazy-arse git who believes it's 'woman's work' to look after the baby. Many men think this, including the men of some women who are bashing your partner here, and even having a go at you for letting it happen. They won't admit that though.

Mine was the same for a time, until I started going downstairs onto the couch to sleep - because of his snoring, and letting the baby cry in the room next to him. Most of the time I went up and saw to the baby, but occasionally I left the baby crying, until HE went to the bedroom to see why the baby was crying, and dealt with the issue. These men need to be trained, and to understand that no WAY is it just the woman's responsibility to look after the baby!

Men aren't generally stupid, awful, lazy lumps who don't give a shit about you and their baby, they just have it ingrained in them from an early age (usually from their mother who spoils them/placates them/makes the daughter(s) in the family do 'woman's work.') Or a misogynistic father. Men don't behave like this (leaving EVERYTHING to the woman,) for nothing. They have learned this behaviour, and they need educating.

You need to take the baby into the bedroom at least occasionally, and just leave the baby THERE, with him. And then go back to your bed! HE is the baby's parent too, and even if he works (more hours than you,) I am willing to bet that you do a lot more in the home, and with the baby.

He needs to do his share. No way in fucking hell would I have a daughter of mine going through this. I would give my son-in-law a short shrift and tell him to buck his ideas up! Same with a son. If he was being a dick like this, I would tell HIM to buck his ideas up too, and help with the baby more.

And do ignore the 'leave the bastard' cries. No woman/new mum would EVER do that. (Unless there was abuse.) As if leaving him would make your life easier! You would still be looking after the baby - even more probably - and having to deal with everything else, and having less income.

OP, you HAVE to talk to your partner, and he HAS to help more. I am willing to bet that you have said barely anything to him yet.

Show him this thread, and how you are feeling.

The same husband who will then complain that you don't do enough housework and haven't washed the car, while you've been up every hour? He's just such a gem isn't he.

Agree with Winter. He’s being lazy, he thinks it’s really your job, and anything he does is a favour. Well it’s NOT. This is his baby too, and he needs to come up to the mark and do his bit. This is when you NEED him to take on some of the tasks with the baby. If he can’t be there when you need him, what is the point of him? How is this going to strengthen or 3ven maintain your relationship.
My DH was well aware that looking after a baby all day was far more demanding than his day at work, albeit a long hours, high pressure job. Once he was back, childcare was 50/50, Yes, I did the night feeds as was breastfeeding, but he then changed the nappy, and put LO down.
Show him this thread and insist he gets his finger out and behaves like a man, not a weak pathetic lazy twat.

OP I’m not sure what the solution is to your DH being lazy and useless beyond actually having a proper conversation with him, but he sounds unengaged with his own child.
As for your sleeping arrangements it’s completely normal for an 8 month old to be feeding to sleep and to be waking through the night. We started bed sharing around this age too as the 8-10 month sleep regression hit pretty hard, and it was more restful for everyone. My DD would never settle in her cot after that so she has a floor bed (well a cot mattress on the floor!). I still feed her to sleep at 17 months then lay her down, keep cuddling for a few minutes then gradually move away —as if diffusing a bomb—. So maybe give up on the cot and see the mattress as a more long term solution?

Oh strike through fail. Still waiting on that edit button MNHQ...

DH isn’t bothered about my mental health or whether I’m exhausted. He’s more concerned with spending his free time decorating so our house is “finished” for his mother to visit at Christmas. He insists he’s doing it for me and LO to have a nice home.

I don’t care if we have a nice home. We cope fine with chipped tiles behind the sink and no skirting boards and blobs of filler that need painting over. I want a break while he looks after his child, not a nice home.

So what are you going to do about it OP?

DH isn’t bothered about my mental health or whether I’m exhausted. He’s more concerned with spending his free time decorating so our house is “finished” for his mother to visit at Christmas. He insists he’s doing it for me and LO to have a nice home.

Has he been like this for a while or did the cloven hoof only emerge since the birth of the baby?

When DD got a bit bigger we started using the baby pen gates to section of the living room or round the fireplace rather than keeping her in it. That way she could roam about and we knew she couldn't touch dangerous things.

Do you go to toddler groups or anything where you could at least get some adult company and someone to hold/watch LO while you have a cup of tea. I know it's not a total break but it would be some moral support at least. And contacts for later for playdates and things.

My DD is 2 years old, I didn't have a 5 minute break till after she was 1, you have to teach him to be patient crying will not kill him, as much as it broke my heart in the end I just had to let her cry it out in her own bed because 1, I was absolutely exhausted and couldn't cope and 2 it was become to dangerous with her walking around. if you can't rely on your husband when you have a bath why would you when your asleep?

You need something like a travel cot for the baby to be in during the day - they never should be left in a high chair unattended

Also, can't remember what age but we got a walker for both of ours so they could mooch around a bit before they could actually walk

I didn't breastfeed, but I wonder if you would be best to use some formula too at the moment, maybe the baby is still hungry.

I didn't think he was in the high chair unattended? More the case that he won't tolerate being in the high chair even attended.

I'd tell him he can go home with his mother when she leaves if he doesn't start doing his SHARE of home and child care.

OP I really feel for you. I have no advice or I’d have used them for myself! My DUH is currently upstairs having a nap because bless his heart he’s so tired and feeling unwell. The whole house is sick. Both LO are sick, the toddler almost better but the baby is peck illness not to mention me! But while he’s been away for work for 3 day (4 next week). He got to stay in a super nice hotel, slept without LO sobbing, coughing until being sick etc but actually went out for a nice meal and drinks. While mug here has the baby sleeping on me and the toddler draped across my legs.

No words but hugs and sympathy x