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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just want DH to take LO away!!

90 replies

MrsMiggel · 02/12/2018 09:32

Currently sleeping in the spare room with LO who has lately become a cot refuser (breastfeeds to sleep in bed but wakes up screaming if I attempt to transfer to the cot). I’m exhausted and aching. Agreed with DH that he’d get up with LO because he’s slept peacefully all night.

I rang DH to tell him LO had woken up. It took him 20 minutes to come next door into my room. Then he got under the duvet and hung around for another 20 minutes while LO got increasingly wiggly and agitated. In the end I pointed out that I’m not getting a rest unless he pisses off with LO. Now he’s angry because I don’t want them around, I’m nasty and selfish, etc. I don’t see why he can’t just collect LO and leave?!

OP posts:
Cheerbear23 · 02/12/2018 11:00

Your partner is looking after the baby properly. He sounds lazy tbh - staying in bed on his phone whilst the baby needs feeding is lazy and the high chair smacks of ‘can’t be arsed’ dealing with the baby Sad

Cheerbear23 · 02/12/2018 11:00

Sorry should say ‘isnt looking after the baby properly’

NationalShiteDay · 02/12/2018 11:02

I've read your other threads.

Honestly, just LTB. Your like will be so much easier. Your husband is a dick.

howabout · 02/12/2018 11:03

It is hardly any wonder the 8 mo is tired and grumpy and unmanageable for his DF. If his DM is exhausted with his behaviour it is very likely that he is too.

category12 · 02/12/2018 11:05

What a lot of bs, howabout - the bloke lies in bed playing on his phone while the child is hungry and dirty.

CottonTailRabbit · 02/12/2018 11:06

You just want your DH to be an entirely different human being. What do you think are the chances of that?

Get rid of your shite husband first to stand a chance of ever meeting a nice man and having a nice relationship. Single would be better too I bet.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2018 11:09

If his DM is exhausted with his behaviour it is very likely that he is too

How can he be exhausted? He doesn't do anything!

howabout · 02/12/2018 11:14

The BABY is up all night as is its DM. It is also clingy and miserable much of the day. They are both exhausted and not coping.

category12 · 02/12/2018 11:18

Agreed with DH that he’d get up with LO because he’s slept peacefully all night.

Do try reading what's said, not making your own stuff up, howabout.

HellenaHandbasket · 02/12/2018 11:21

How is the baby clingy and miserable all day? Do we know that? 🤔

zippey · 02/12/2018 11:26

Sounds like he is still in pre-baby mode. Yes, it was good to lie in bed, or get things done before the baby was born, but the babies needs come first.

It sounds like he knows you will take care of a screaming baby or look after the baby if he gets into bed with you, so it’s maybe a stealth way of getting you to do all the work.

Fathers get tired but so do mothers. The first couple of years are tough on new parents. Maybe you need to have a frank talk of what you both can do to help each other with an equal share of the parenting.

Original poster
MrsMiggel · 02/12/2018 11:28

It isn't normal for a couple to sleep separately with an 8 mo and play tag parenting. It also isn't normal not to be able to leave a baby that age in a cot / floor mat / high chair while you get on with things
LO is crawling and pulling up constantly, he can’t be left on the floor because he’s off like a shot. He gets hysterical when he’s confined to a chair or cot for more than a few minutes. He wants to be active all the time.

And he won’t go in his cot to sleep, he just screams until I lift him in bed next to me. He was sleeping with me and DH but he fell out of our bed a few weeks ago and it’s dangerous, so I’m sleeping on a borrowed single mattress on the floor of his nursery. There isn’t room for DH to sleep there as well. He wakes up several times a night and I’m exhausted in the morning, and I have him all day so I’m exhausted in the evening - i don’t see why it’s bad to hand him over to DH and have a break?

OP posts:
BrownMilk · 02/12/2018 11:34

Firstly, sending youFlowers. It's bloody hard work.

I'm ready to be shot down, but I phone DH if he's in the spare room. It wakens him up properly (unlike a crying baby).

My motto from early on was to ignore any advice that starts 'you should... ' , 'you shouldn't...' or 'you need to...' etc. and I applied this to a lot of the replies you've received. 'You could try...' 'have you thought about...' etc advice welcome.

We cosleep and after trying various things, found a way to manage. DH goes to the spare room if he wants. I manage until 430. After that, if I ask, he'll get up with DS to give me a couple of hours sleep until he needs to get ready for work. He takes DS downstairs and plays/ sings with him. DH brings me coffee when he's getting ready for work. I bring him coffee on his days off. Most nights we all cosleep til DH gets up for work. DH ends up in the spare room about once a week and getting up early about once a week too. I share this mainly so that your DH can read it and see what other people really do.

Original poster
MrsMiggel · 02/12/2018 11:34

The BABY is up all night as is its DM. It is also clingy and miserable much of the day. They are both exhausted and not coping.
LO is fine. It’s me who’s exhausted! He wakes up half a dozen times during the night. He constantly wants to hold my hands and pull up to standing. He has to be constantly supervised because he’s trying to pull up on unsafe items, poking his fingers in things, biting the coffee table, pestering the dog, etc. I am shattered. LO is as happy as a pig in mud!

OP posts:
foodiefil · 02/12/2018 11:38

That high chair story gave me chills

Your husband is a wanker

howabout · 02/12/2018 11:40

The issue is not handing him over to DH to have a break. You are not ending up actually getting a break when you hand him over because either you are playing catch up with normal life or having to intervene or do extra during / after your break.

At 8 mo even an EBF baby should be able to go out with someone other than DM for at least a couple of hours during the day. That would be a break.

Did you consider putting your bed mattress on the floor or adding a side protector before moving next door. Mine were actually out their cots and in beds by 18 mo as they all hated the confines.

howabout · 02/12/2018 11:44

Waking 6 times a night at 8mo must be tiring. Does he go straight back to sleep? Is he feeding that often? How much does he sleep during the day and where does he sleep?

Babies need more than 12 hours sleep. If you are not getting that amount of rest neither are they.

howabout · 02/12/2018 11:49

I also wouldn't be choosing to let him pull up on my hands all day long. Would child proofing help? Can you delegate /segregate the dog better.

In your original posts I would have been more annoyed at my DP not getting up to deal with the dog than him coming in to spend time with me and baby tbh. In an ideal World I would have got him to take over in bed with baby while I got dressed then fed and changed baby and got him to take out the baby and dog for a good long walk.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 02/12/2018 11:50

“At 8 mo even an EBF baby should be able to go out with someone other than DM for at least a couple of hours during the day. That would be a break“

Isn’t that more or less what the OP’s opening post said? She wanted the baby to be taken right away? The trouble is it sounds as though the other adult in the house cannot be relied upon not to neglect the baby

HerSymphonyAndSong · 02/12/2018 11:52

The trouble with “your baby should be able to do XYZ” posts is it just makes anyone who has a baby with a different personality or who is hitting developmental milestones at a slightly different rate feel like crap, so it usually isn’t very supportive

Original poster
MrsMiggel · 02/12/2018 11:59

At 8 mo even an EBF baby should be able to go out with someone other than DM for at least a couple of hours during the day
There’s nobody to take LO out. DH is at work. He could take him out at the weekend but never does.

Did you consider putting your bed mattress on the floor or adding a side protector
If we put the mattress on the floor where will the divan bed base go? They won’t both fit on the bedroom floor together. Anyway being sandwiched between DH and LO is awful. At least if LO and I are alone I can get comfortable.

Does he go straight back to sleep? Is he feeding that often? How much does he sleep during the day and where does he sleep?
He searches for a breast and drops off fairly quickly, maybe 5-15 minutes. He doesn’t NEED to feed but if he doesn’t get a breast he screams. He has two naps during the day and sleeps on my lap or beside me in bed. I’m not allowed to put him down or he wakes up and cries, and that puts an end to me watching tv the nap.

OP posts:
WisdomOfCrowds · 02/12/2018 11:59

How many more of these threads do you need to start OP? Your husband is a twat who is draining your life away. Please think seriously about getting out, I swear you'll be happier.

Mxyzptlk · 02/12/2018 12:03

You have two separate problems -
1- demanding baby
2- self-centred adult

You need to attend to 1 and get shot of 2 if he won't help.

Original poster
MrsMiggel · 02/12/2018 12:09

I also wouldn't be choosing to let him pull up on my hands all day long. Would child proofing help? Can you delegate /segregate the dog better.
Nope. We have an open plan downstairs. He tries to pull up on the coffee table, footstool, kitchen drawer handles, tv unit, radiator, fridge door handle, hearth, dog - all unstable or unsafe. The only way to keep him away from all of them is to put him in a pen (we have a pen and he just cries to be out). The dog isn’t used to being locked in another room on his own and would bark or chew the door.

OP posts:
howabout · 02/12/2018 12:12

8 mo babies just are hard work and I don't think it is particularly helpful to pit parents against each other. There is obv a history of previous threads which I have not seen, so I may be getting a different perspective.

I do think it is helpful to point out the norm so that someone in the midst of not coping can see either a) why they are finding life so hard compared to others or b) how they could adapt to make things better.

Op you say there is no-one to take the baby out during the week. That may well be the case, but it is not atm when his DF is around. Think about how much you are allowing your 8 mo to dictate to you atm and ask if you would allow this if you also had an older sibling to take care of. My eldest are 18 months apart. DD1 at 8 mo napped beside me on my bed. DD2 only got a nap if we went out for a walk and she managed to stay asleep when we got back with her noisy sister.