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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to by ds a mobile when dh says no?

60 replies

Italianmeringuebuttercream · 02/12/2018 08:12

I have gone ahead and got ds whos in y7, a monthly contract phone linked to my bill. It's a fairly good deal but that's not the issue. Dh says he'll be a target for thieves and it'll make him more socially introverted (he already barely talks when we're with family etc). My dm and dsis say if all his friends have one he'll be left out (he's already very shy and finds it difficult to make new friends). He's never asked for anything expensive before - football kits, specific trainers etc so that's why I went ahead as I also agree with dm! But now dh is not happy as I've gone against his wishes. For the record I didn't know he felt this strongly as we hadn't really talked about it. Sorry for the long post, long time lurker 1st time poster. Wwyd?

OP posts:
MyHomeworkAteMyDog · 02/12/2018 08:27

Essential to have a phone in year 7 imo.

SendintheArdwolves · 02/12/2018 08:30

Hmm. I think it is a problem that you have gone ahead without your husband being on the same page and I don't think you should just give your son the phone without sorting this out.

When you say that you "hadn't really talked about it" it sounds your DH had expressed a reluctance to get a phone but you didn't take that seriously and just went ahead. That is not great.

Fwiw, I think your husband is right to be concerned about the effects of a phone - I don't think smart phones are good for kids. (Or adults, really.)

You need to discuss this with your husband. Is there a way to restrict his phone usage - no phones when he is in bed, for example? Obviously none at the table.

Original poster
Italianmeringuebuttercream · 02/12/2018 08:31

I think so too. Only thing is we live extremely close to school so he's home in 1 minute!

OP posts:
Returnofthesmileybar · 02/12/2018 08:32

What age is your ds? Sorry not in England so yr7 means nothing to me

Youvegotafriendinme · 02/12/2018 08:32

I totally understand you DS benefiting from the phone at the age he is and think it’s good for him to have one. I don’t necessarily agree with buying something expensive but am a bit out the loop with kids getting picked on for not having the better gadgets. I don’t think you should have gone behind your DH back though. Even if you had said to him your sorry but you don’t agree for valid points and you could have compromised somehow would have been much better

nottakingthisanymore · 02/12/2018 08:34

Depends what kind you have got him imo.

Original poster
Italianmeringuebuttercream · 02/12/2018 08:34

Wolves you are so right which is why I feel so bad! There will definitely be rules - not in bedroom or at table etc. I am seriously considering returning it....

OP posts:
TBDO · 02/12/2018 08:36

IMO, having a phone in year 7 is essential for socialising. DC has various WhatsApp groups and would feel excluded if he wasn’t part of them.

You say your son

Original poster
Italianmeringuebuttercream · 02/12/2018 08:36

Sorry ds is 11 almost 12
The phone is a Samsung. Not top of the range j3 I think?

OP posts:
Larasshadow · 02/12/2018 08:37

If it's a brand new expensive phone like an iPhone or similar then it could make him a target for thieves. I don't know any year 7s (11-12 year olds) with out a phone. Most of dds friends had their parents second hand phones.

TBDO · 02/12/2018 08:37

Oops posted too soon.

You say your son finds it hard to make friends - not having a phone will make that harder if he can’t be part of the general groups and chit chat that the DC seem to have.

Why was your DH against the phone? Does he not think the ‘being left out’pounts are valid?

Original poster
Italianmeringuebuttercream · 02/12/2018 08:39

I feel really bad now. I guess I have gone behind his back but I didn't feel like I had at the time because he knew I was looking into it. I was just seduced in the phone shop I guess!

OP posts:
bellinisurge · 02/12/2018 08:40

He needs a phone. My dd (same age) knows to keep it out of sight in public. Her school is pretty strict about them in school but totally recognises their importance for letting people know where you are.
Dd does extracurricular stuff and messages me when she's ready for pickup. She's in WhatsApp groups with her former classmates from primary and new classmates from secondary.
I keep an eye on it using a light touch. We talk frequently about ups and downs of social media. As does the school.
She has one because I want her to learn best practice skills now while she still listens to her parents.

Original poster
Italianmeringuebuttercream · 02/12/2018 08:41

TBDO that's exactly it. I haven't had the chance to properly talk to dh, only via text and when I mentioned my points he did seem less annoyed so hopefully he'll come round.

OP posts:
Biologifemini · 02/12/2018 08:41

Get him a Nokia so he doesn’t get bullied all the time or look at violent porn.
Smart phones at a young age are massively fucking up our kids and giving them another excuse to be sendentary, obese and looking up dodgy shit.

whiteroseredrose · 02/12/2018 08:41

As is often said on MN, why should your DH's no trump your yes?

Nowadays nearly all DC get a phone in Y7. They did 8 years ago when DS started secondary school. He'll only be a target for thieves if it's a top of the range latest model.

Blondebakingmumma · 02/12/2018 08:42

I’m not going to debate pros or cons of children having access to phones. However, I think it’s poor form you buying a phone for your son against hubby’s wishes.
If this was reversed how would you feel if hubby bought it knowing you didn’t want ds to have one.
I think hubby deserves to be annoyed and if I were you I’d revisit the conversation with hubby. If you both agree you give together, if not it is returned.

Birdsgottafly · 02/12/2018 08:47

I was going to bring up What's App groups, it's a great way for Teens to socialise and include themselves.

Not having one is going to isolate him.

What does your DH do to help him become confident and overcome shyness?

TBDO · 02/12/2018 08:49

It sounds like you haven’t had a proper discussion about phones - I can see why your DH might be annoyed by that.

But on the other hand, a year 7 not having a phone puts them in a difficult position - they can’t join in. If your DH would have said no even after considering the social aspect, I would question why his ‘no’ would trump my ‘yes’ especially if I knew my son found it hard to make friends and is possibly on the outside of groups at school. It would feel like making him a target for the sake of a principle.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 02/12/2018 08:49

Ds1 is very quiet and a phone has actually helped him stay in the social loop. He doesn’t go about with it in his hand all the time but he has exchanged phone numbers with a couple of people since he started secondary and being able to text has given him an opportunity to chat to these other boys in a less forced way than face to face. If face to face had been his only option he probably wouldn’t have managed.

Agree with TBDO having a phone to be able to join the WhatsApp groups and things can actually be a big help particularly for a child that struggles socially. He will just be and feel even more iscolated without one. My parents never ever understood the need to fit in feeling when I was growing up and it was horrible and very isolating at times. I try and listen to what my dc are saying and help them fit in where they want to while still trying to remind them to be them as well.

Fridaydreamer · 02/12/2018 08:50

You are socially isolating your son if you don’t get him a phone. Kids socialise using their phones now.

If he’s the only kid in his year without a phone he may get picked on and become even more socially isolated.

Not ideal that you went behind DH back but tbh I find your DH’s stance on this very controlling and not in his sons best interest.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 02/12/2018 08:53

I'd be pissed off if my husband consulted with his mum and then went behind my back to get something for our DCs too. I disagree that you 'need' a phone in yr 7 but do think it would be helpful. It's the way that it's been gone about that isn't great.

Original poster
Italianmeringuebuttercream · 02/12/2018 08:55

Any tech minded mumsnetters out there? Can I put the new contract sim in an old phone?

OP posts:
ToastedSandwichObsession · 02/12/2018 08:57

My ds has had one since year 7 and it's kept him social. He's ASD and finds it far easier to socialise with his friends via his phone especially with the weather at the moment. He's year 9 and as long as the phone is removed overnight from her s room, all is fine.

ToastedSandwichObsession · 02/12/2018 08:57

I forgot, he also uses the phone to google stuff when needed for school.