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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mother is miseable and i am struggling to care.

74 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 01/12/2018 22:19

How despicable does that make me?

She has isolated herself from everybody.

I recently found out she sent xmas card back to my cousin last year (or year before) because she had fallen out with her sister and because the rest of the family wouldn't take sides she cut them all off. Ridiculous accusations that people just got sick of listening to.

She has long term illness and other recent issues that she refuses to see dr about because "she is an evil cow" she has had circa 5 doctors in past two years and they have all been bastards.

Ive raised questions of mental health but no one listens. She has to ask for help herself apparently as she isn't considered a danger to herself.

Last week she called me in a panic as she thought her purse stolen. I went straight away to phone bank to cancel cards . She is staggering down the road screaming at me that they will spend all her money. No they wont the cards dont have contactless they need pin number. She wouldnt accept this. Called me fucking stupid. Had to get my dp to come as she doesnt scream at me when hes there. He found the purse in bottom of her trolly. In all fairness i had looked too but it had slipped under bottom flap thing. No apologies nothing. Just money that i dont want or need pushed into my hands.

She is totally alone, nobody visits.

People must be disgusted with me but what can i do. I try to persuade her to see dr but she refuses.

I got her medication from chemust today and she called me to say there was no tramadol. I explainedshe wasn't die any more and nothing i can do. I just didnt give a shit.

What is wrong with me ffs?

OP posts:

Tailfeather · 01/12/2018 22:24

Bless you. It is very draining and tiring to look after a family member who gives nothing back and is always miserable. I know the feeling too well! But I always remind myself that they must be feeling really down and lonely and I will be there for them because they are family. It is hard though. Could you talk to her to see if you can work together to make improvements in her life?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2018 22:27

There is nothing wrong with you. You are dealing with an irrational, abusive person. Every single one of us would feel exactly as you do. You may be her daughter but you aren't a miracle worker. If she refuses to help herself there is nothing you can do.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 01/12/2018 22:27

No one can turn off their emotions. Even though yes your mother probably is sick (dementia? Depression?) that doesn't make her easy to deal with. It sounds exhausting and thankless, no wonder you're burnt out with her. I wish I had some helpful advice about how to encourage her to seek help - maybe someone more experienced will have some suggestions. I do think for your own sake though you do need to set boundaries.

LaLoba · 01/12/2018 22:33

There’s nothing wrong with you, far from it. If she won’t accept help you have to protect yourself. No matter what you do she will self destruct - you don’t have to go down with her, what would that achieve? Please give yourself a break.

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 01/12/2018 22:41

My dr tells me i have to protect my mental health, which is extremely fragile (bpd). But she doesnt have anyobe else. She is so stubborn. She is awkward. I'll ask her whats she wants from the shop she'll say nothing. Then calls at difficult times wanting x or y. This morning she called me when she knew i had taken dd to her dyslexia tuition about 15 miles away. We usually follow this with a trip into town. But noi had to drop everything to pick her tablets up. I have suggested delivery but she wont have it. I work full time plus study and haveone day off a week. 40 hours stressfull job. It is alwayson my day off thereis some sort of crisis. Im on tenterhooks waiting for my phone to ring. Its a miracle its not brokenthe amount of times ive droppedir as i getso anxious whe nshe calls.

I should do more for her but all i feel is guilt. Oh and resentment. Shes my mother though. I am so selfish

OP posts:

TemptressofWaikiki · 01/12/2018 22:47

Here is a novel idea, turn your phone off on your day off. You can't change her but you can very much control how you deal with it. None of those things are an emergency and she can call and take care of stuff herself. She is an adult. You need to focus on you and your own family. Don't feel guilty. And you have every right to feel resentful because her behaviour is appalling.

Grace212 · 01/12/2018 22:47

there's nothing wrong with you

I don't know how you are coping with this. What happens if you don't go to help when she asks? If she won't have delivery for the meds, then you might have to tell her she's got to hire someone to run errands, frankly.

it does sound as if she deliberately calls when it's most inconvenient for you.

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 01/12/2018 23:09

I am not sure she is aware of how bad her behaviour is. She has always been like this. She does have addisons s syndrome so this means she has a very short temper. She obsesses over things - the issue with the dr is because about 3 years ago the dr gave her the wrong antibiotics. Wrong because they were the wrong colour and they have made her ill ever since.

I know i sound totally unsympathetic but i cant cope her. I usedto lash out at my dp which nearly cist me my relationship. I dont know how/why he has stayed with me.

OP posts:

greendale17 · 01/12/2018 23:11

She’s sounds crazy.

BarbarianMum · 01/12/2018 23:15

It's hard, isnt it. You sound close to burn out.

It is fine to work out what you can reasonably offer (and yes it's vitally important that you safeguard your mental health) and then offer that and no more. Fine to switch off your phone or not answer it to her when not convenient. Fine to say "no sorry mum, cant do that".

You can't make her happy and you cant fix her. But you could help make yourself happier by having firm boundaries.

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 01/12/2018 23:15

Crazy? Whay do you mean crazy??

I mean she once didnt speak to me for three weeks because i wouldnt facilitate her bashing up her 80 year old sister with a hammer.

But crazy?? No she isn't crazy - at least thats what the drs say when ive begged for a mental health review

OP posts:

PersonalM0Tee · 01/12/2018 23:17

Pharmacys can deliver medication for free for people that have regular prescriptions. Go into the pharmacy and fill out the forms. Someone will need to order before it runs out, can do this on phone or online

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 01/12/2018 23:20

Personal she wont have it. Ive tried

OP posts:

FissionChips · 01/12/2018 23:22

But crazy?? No she isn't crazy - at least thats what the drs say when ive begged for a mental health review

Well her actions and behaviour are not those of someone in good mental health are they?

FissionChips · 01/12/2018 23:23

Oh, shit, sorry op, that’s me reading things literally

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 01/12/2018 23:24

Indeed and that is just the tip of the iceberg. But i cannot get a hcp to listen.

OP posts:

colouringinpro · 01/12/2018 23:24

my mum sucks the life out if me to yes she's poorly and lonely but she's also, to me, toxic.

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 01/12/2018 23:24

Fission

OP posts:

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 01/12/2018 23:25

@couloringinpro did you used to be coulouringinqueen?

OP posts:

Fairylea · 01/12/2018 23:26

I read your post wondering if I had posted it myself and forgotten because your mum sounds identical to mine!

It’s so draining.

I have chronic health issues too. And a disabled dc. I just can’t carry the guilt. I’ve learnt to say no a lot more. I have to for my own health. So do you.

When she rings and you’re 15 miles away, don’t answer. Tell her you’re busy with dc. She will never, ever do anything for herself or even agree to the pharmacy thing while she knows she has you available to do everything. It’s so hard I know but you have to start saying no.

LorraineBainesMcFly · 01/12/2018 23:33

YANBU.
You sounds like me- my mother has dementia and although she is now in a care facility she was like this for many years. Now she is being looked after by carers I find my self too relieved to really visit. I feel bad but she is still a bit agressive and manipulative with me and frankly I can’t be bothered with it after putting up with it and trying to help her for so long. I know she can’t help it but I also sometimes don’t care.
Sending you good luck with it all- it’s so hard you have my sympathy.

Eilaianne · 01/12/2018 23:35

She sounds exhausting and utterly tiresome.

She is harming your relationships with DH and your children. One of them alone would be enough to justify stepping back from her drama, you cannot surrender your own mental health and save hers.. she will only drag you down too.

Op, you need to get yourself to the Relationship section of MN and figure out how to set boundaries where her toxic influence is reduced.

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 01/12/2018 23:35

Thank you for the support. You all have my sympathy also. Its difficult to look back and realise that actually she's not very nice

OP posts:

PersonalM0Tee · 01/12/2018 23:58

What would your DM do f you didn't live close by ? She is very fortunate to have you there to help. However, I agree that you need to save some energy and time for yourself. I don't live near my relatives, so I've had to put certain things in place. Does your DM have a cleaner that would be able to offer help/assistance with some tasks, even for a weekly chat, someone to spread the load ?

delboysskinandblister · 01/12/2018 23:58

Stop.

You are supporting a bad situation and you are going to burn out. Let the dust settle but do not engage with someone when they are like this. Focus on you, you still love her but cannot change anyone.

You need to withdraw at least for now. She will come to you and you can choose to stay in her life or not. If she doesn't contact you, then know you have already done all you can.

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