My mother is miseable and i am struggling to care.

[LEMtheoriginal]

How despicable does that make me?

She has isolated herself from everybody.

I recently found out she sent xmas card back to my cousin last year (or year before) because she had fallen out with her sister and because the rest of the family wouldn't take sides she cut them all off. Ridiculous accusations that people just got sick of listening to.

She has long term illness and other recent issues that she refuses to see dr about because "she is an evil cow" she has had circa 5 doctors in past two years and they have all been bastards.

Ive raised questions of mental health but no one listens. She has to ask for help herself apparently as she isn't considered a danger to herself.

Last week she called me in a panic as she thought her purse stolen. I went straight away to phone bank to cancel cards . She is staggering down the road screaming at me that they will spend all her money. No they wont the cards dont have contactless they need pin number. She wouldnt accept this. Called me fucking stupid. Had to get my dp to come as she doesnt scream at me when hes there. He found the purse in bottom of her trolly. In all fairness i had looked too but it had slipped under bottom flap thing. No apologies nothing. Just money that i dont want or need pushed into my hands.

She is totally alone, nobody visits.

People must be disgusted with me but what can i do. I try to persuade her to see dr but she refuses.

I got her medication from chemust today and she called me to say there was no tramadol. I explainedshe wasn't die any more and nothing i can do. I just didnt give a shit.

What is wrong with me ffs?

It sounds awful.

I would try to make some firm boundaries, so for example offer to help sort a pharmacy delivery, if she refuses be clear you won't go for anything for her and she will have to go herself. Then stick to it.

Stop what you are doing and leave every time she abuses you.

Shepherds-maybe, but more likely she’s just a fucker. Are you burdened with a toxic, abusive parent? Blaming it on a ‘sickness’ is more palatable than the sad fact that they’re just a fundamentally terrible person who enjoys abusing people.

Similarities with my Mother in some ways but not all. In a long process, my mother cut herself off from everyone except my Dad (I still stay in touch with my Dad but very rarely as mother is a control freak and he rings me in secret when he is out eg) through my Dad, I hear that she is ''devastated' when she gets no birthday cards.

I would advise putting yourself first cos eventually your mother will probably fall out with you too eventually

Shepherds - she really is unwell, yes. But so stubborn. Even though she has several.issues she wont go tothe dr. She thinks antibiotics are the cure for everything but only the antibiotics that her old dr prescribed. Amoxycillin and they give her this but they are the wrong colour and upset her stomach.

She has tertible stomach pains and i try and help by fetching buscopan even though it worries me that it will interact with her medication. She has diverticulitis but no, its the antibiotics she was given by "that bastard" three years ago.

She has bern referred for scans etc but refuses to go.

Drs have washed their hands of her because she is so vile when she goes. Refuses to wait one minute past her appointment time and its so embarrassing. Thats on the rare occasions ivegot her there.

I see work colleagues do far more for their elderly parents with good heart and it makes me feel bad.

I don't think your mother is crazy at all, and I can see why the doctor's haven't rushed in with awntal health review. Her actions are calculated, not crazy. She waits until you take your daughter to her dyslexia support, or until your day off, and then she makes you jump. This is not crazy or mentally ill, it is abusive and fully calculated. Please look after your own mental health. She is an adult, as are you, and she needs to look after her own mental health rather than control you and make you ill.

Stop comparing yourself to others. Their parents are probably lovely and appreciative and you do plenty. I bet every single one of them thinks you do too much for your mum and you need a break.

Give her the details for the pharmacy delivery. Give her the details on where she can buy buscopan and tell her to take care of her medication herself. She will step up eventually when she realises you won’t.

She’s unwell because she chooses to be. She chooses not to engage with treatment. Therefore this miserable life is the one she’s actively chosen. So leave her to it.

If she is alone and you think she is lonely then give her the details for local meet up groups for her age group. University of the third age and stuff like that. If she wants to see people she will make the effort. You will visit her once a fortnight. Perfectly acceptable timeframe for visiting a relative. If she kicks off don’t respond. Just say sorry I’m busy. If it makes you feel better send her a picture postcard every couple of days with the kids on it.

You deserve a happy life and you truest don’t owe her anything.

She will kick off but she will conform if she wants to continue to have a relationship with you. You just have to be firm in the meantime. Treat her like a toddler. Let her kick it out with it consoling her.

I agree you sound burnt out. You don't sound unsympathetic at all, the opposite, you are beating yourself up because however much you do it never feels like enough to you. It sounds as if your mother is holding you to ransom emotionally - she will never tell you that what do is good enough, and so you will never let yourself accept that what you do for her is enough.

Ive raised questions of mental health but no one listens. She has to ask for help herself apparently as she isn't considered a danger to herself.

It isn't that they're not listening, it's the plain truth - yes your mother could be demented or as mad as a box of snakes but there is nothing anyone else can do about it unless (a) she asks for help herself or (b) she is a physical danger to herself or others. For now she needs to consent to a review or it can't happen. It might even work out better for her in the long run if you stepped back and refused to paper over the cracks - then she might get herself into enough trouble to trigger a review.

You are not selfish. You are acting as carer for a very difficult person with complex physical and emotional needs and some quite challenging and manipulative behaviour, while your own health is fragile. And your Dr is right - you must take care of yourself first and foremost, even if that means giving your mother a lot less care than she demands and a lot less care than you want to give her, because (a) you will never be able to give your mother enough care to make her feel satisfied and (b) if you get ill you wont be able to give your mother any care at all.

Its me that has bpd not my mother. I'll turn onto her and poison my own childrem

Doesn't sound like it. You want to protect your children and keep them safe and happy, and you care about their feelings, even more than you care about yourself. During your own lifetime do you think your mother has ever had that worry about herself poisoning you?

My Dp suggested age concern but i know what would happen. It would be nice for a bit and then someone would say something she didnt want to hear and we'd be back to square one with accusations and rants.

You can be honest with charities and helpers about what your mother is like. Elderly people are not all sweetness and light. She wont be the first or last they've encountered who is very difficult and challenging, or who habitually starts off nice and then turns sour, the underlying causes could be dementia or illness but for others it's just how they are... and Age UK might still be able to give some support to her and to you, or point you in the direction of help.

Yes

You won’t turn into your mother, because you are self aware and sound lovely.

Personal she wont have it. Ive tried

Don't give her a choice, OP. Fill in the forms at the chemist. Tell her you're no longer doing it. Tough.

(btw I didn't mean to question your bpd - I only meant it doesn't sound like you will damage your own children)

I don’t know your mother’s medical history but as someone with Addison’s I can say that if she doesn’t engage properly with medical professionals she won’t be able to access proper help, as the condition is so misunderstood and rare most GPs don’t know how to manage it, especially alongside other medical conditions. She needs to be under an endocrinologist and see them every 6 months at the least. If she won’t do that, then quite frankly she will end up staying unwell. And that isn’t your fault, at all.

The stomach pains she has may be diverticulitis or they could be a sign that her Addison’s isn’t well managed - abdominal pain is one of the first signs of low cortisol. Also if she is having a diverticulitis flare up then she needs to take more cortisol as pain uses up cortisol so with Addison’s you need to replace this.

Taking steroids long term as you do with Addison’s can cause a lot of stomach issues in itself. Most people with Addison’s need to take either gaviscon or Nexium or omeprazole alongside the steroids (although not at the same time as this interferes with absorption) as this helps to protect the stomach.

So what I’m trying to say is that she won’t know any of these things unless she seeks help for herself, but if she did things would be so much better for her. It’s not a given that her life is now shit because she has these conditions.

She is manipulating you into making you feel sorry for her.

You have got some seriously fucked up thinking if you think you are doing too little.

Look, every professional has told you that she is simply a vile abusive person. They won't deal with her and recommend that you don't either. Take their advice. Stop with the martyr thing. Stop the masochism. Stop letting her being a total shit to you. If she suffers as a result, that is her fault not yours.

The Freedom programme might help you even though she's your mum not your partner.

This will feel like the hardest thing in the world but you need boundaries

Oh goodness - sounds like my mother has been re-incarnated as yours. I feel your pain. Step away. She won't ever change and you need to look after yourself and your family.

My late Mil was like this her other children moved away for work etc dh was the one dealing with it she sucked the life from him there is nothing you can do although you can try and step back but it isn't easy

I am an only child so its just me. My extended family no longer involve me bacause of her. My DP Is supportive and manages her well.

She would give me her last penny but i dont want money.

I just want a mum that i can take to the garden centre a have a cup of tea. She cant manage it because she goes dizzy or gets tummy pains. She gets this becausr she wont see a dr.

She has an endocrinologist but just ranted about the antibiotics on the last appointment. The addisons is complicated because its as a result of her having an adrenalectomy due to cushings in 1958.

I get what you mean about fearing judgement, I have a colleague who literally martyrs herself for her elderly relatives who range from nice but needy to fucking nightmares and is always criticising people who don't. She was pretty judgy about the situation with my DGM which wasn't nice but you dont have to please other people.

There are far more who will understand where you are coming from.

She has no one because she's an abusive, stubborn person. That's not your fault. I'm dealing with similar dramas with my DM..abuse, lies etc. We've turned the ringer off on our home phone (DM is the only one who calls it), and I don't always answer if she calls the mobile. It's all I can do because no matter what I say or do, she doesn't get that her behaviour is unreasonable or that she does anything wrong.
At the moment I have some respite because she's been in hospital for 2 days. I haven't called or visited. Some would think that I'm a bitch, but I'm taking care of myself, thankful that she can't readily call or pop around. You need to put yourself first too.

You are not responsible for her. She’s an adult responsible for herself. You only get one go round at life don’t let her make yours miserable

She doesn't get help because she doesn't need to. You take care of everything.

You have to stop. She survived that 3 weeks she wasn't speaking to you, she can survive with less contact and help throughout normal week.
You have to say no to her. MH issues or not, some people are just CFs even without it and I am afraid she is one of them.

Think of yourself and your family and don't feel bad. Drawing a line and saying no to some things or saying "If you talk to me like this, I will walk away and you will have to deal with this by yourself" and then actually walking away if she continues screaming might be really beneficial for both of you.

Also.... You know there might be a reason for not wanting to go for scans... The pain might not be as real as she makes you think...

Hangry's right - she may fear going for scans, but not for the reason Hangry thinks.

She may not want to go for scans because she may fear she has cancer, and is too frightened to have it confirmed.

My heart aches for you LEM - because whatever action you take, you will be torn in the other direction.

But please - put your child first, yourself second, your partner third and your mother - ill and frightened, or ill and selfish as she may be - last.

If you are ill, everything will collapse around you - and I can promise you that suddenly your mother will accept help from other people (I've seen this in many families - someone destroys their health/ marriage etc trying to help a relative, and the relative swans off without a second thought - and usually hasn't got a good word to say about the person who ran round after them for umpteen years) , but it could be too late for you and your physical and mental health could be completely broken.

Hard as it is, put a distance between yourself and your mother. Switch off your phone in your "off" time. If she becomes abusive, warn her that you will put the phone down if she doesn't stop - and mean it! I know it seems cruel, but it will be better for you all in the long run - it may even persuade her to go for her doctors' appointments and behave appropriately.