Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother is miseable and i am struggling to care.

74 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 01/12/2018 22:19

How despicable does that make me?

She has isolated herself from everybody.

I recently found out she sent xmas card back to my cousin last year (or year before) because she had fallen out with her sister and because the rest of the family wouldn't take sides she cut them all off. Ridiculous accusations that people just got sick of listening to.

She has long term illness and other recent issues that she refuses to see dr about because "she is an evil cow" she has had circa 5 doctors in past two years and they have all been bastards.

Ive raised questions of mental health but no one listens. She has to ask for help herself apparently as she isn't considered a danger to herself.

Last week she called me in a panic as she thought her purse stolen. I went straight away to phone bank to cancel cards . She is staggering down the road screaming at me that they will spend all her money. No they wont the cards dont have contactless they need pin number. She wouldnt accept this. Called me fucking stupid. Had to get my dp to come as she doesnt scream at me when hes there. He found the purse in bottom of her trolly. In all fairness i had looked too but it had slipped under bottom flap thing. No apologies nothing. Just money that i dont want or need pushed into my hands.

She is totally alone, nobody visits.

People must be disgusted with me but what can i do. I try to persuade her to see dr but she refuses.

I got her medication from chemust today and she called me to say there was no tramadol. I explainedshe wasn't die any more and nothing i can do. I just didnt give a shit.

What is wrong with me ffs?

OP posts:
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 02/12/2018 00:56

I've stepped right back from helping a couple and amazingly enough they have managed to sort things out for themselves.

People that initially refused to have a stranger in to clean and shop for them and constantly put pressure on a busy, non-driving friend, with her own health problems , needed to be firmly be told 'No'.

evenbetter · 02/12/2018 01:03

OP go n the ‘But We Took You To Stately Homes!’threads for survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families. And here
You are not responsible in ANY way for your mother. Not emotionally, financially, physically. Having a toxic parent absolutely destroys you, you can’t change her but you can choose to not engage in this nonsense. Her being alone is her choice, nothing to do with you.

SilverLining10 · 02/12/2018 05:33

You are enabling her. She knows that no matter what she does you will come back. She us abusive. And toxic. Hard to say but her being alone is her own doing and not your guilt to bear. Just because shes your mother does not mean you owe her your life.

brizzledrizzle · 02/12/2018 05:39

It makes you somebody who has too much on their plate.
Can adult social services help?
You need to step away for your own welfare.

Jent13c · 02/12/2018 06:54

Sounds exactly like my Grandfather. He is the most unpleasant person I have ever met, a bully, racist, homophobe etc. etc. etc. He is now in his late 70s with end stage COPD in nursing home and has completely isolated himself from everyone around him. My parents visit once a week unless they can get out of it. He is so breathless he cannot finish a sentence yet still manages to ask how much everything costs, criticise everyones jobs, told my husband he was disgustingly obese so he will no longer visit, calls the carers every derogatory name you can imagine.
There is no dementia, there is no mental health diagnosis. He has lived his entire life in jealously and bitterness. We all visit at the very very maximum weekly and wait for him to die to release us from the burden of having such a deeply unpleasant person in our lives. He has been 3 years of supplementary oxygen 24h a day which is pretty unheard of, pretty sure it's spite keeping him alive.

You have my every sympathy, my dad really struggles. He plans to apologise to everyone at the funeral.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/12/2018 07:06

We had this with my DGM and my DF had to cut back how much he visited for the sake of his own health. Start saying no or being unavailable, it's not your fault she refuses help, it's her choice so she lives with the consequences.

Letting adult social services know the situation would be a good idea.

Teateaandmoretea · 02/12/2018 07:19

I don't understand why you think people would be disgusted/ that you are despicable. You sound like a saint to me.

Your mother is an adult so is responsible for herself, I think you need to start saying no. Strange coincidence that these crises always happen on your day off Confused.

Xuli · 02/12/2018 07:30

I don't understand why you think people would be disgusted/ that you are despicable. You sound like a saint to me

This with bells on.

Somehow she has convinced you that not looking after her constantly and being at her beck and call would make you a disgusting human being.

It won't. It would make you a normal human being who has finally found the strength to push back against the abuse.

It sounds like she has done this to you all your life. Now it's time for you to prioritise your own family.

systemwwr · 02/12/2018 07:34

Addisons is no excuse for being abusive.

Having suffered at the hands of a relatives narcissism and BPD, it is so exhauting treading the tightrope all the time and waiting for an explosion. If she's anything like my relative then it won't be as simple as not answering the phone - mine goes berserk if I reject calls for a couple of days respite.

I hope you can get some peace and evaluate things and perhaps take some steps to improving your situation.

TheRealHousewife · 02/12/2018 07:34

Flowers This is such a difficult family dynamic to manage. Your mum is exploiting and abusing you in order to get her needs met.

It isn’t your responsibility to meet them though. Says me who’s own mum is very similar. Takes, never gives. Toxic and totally draining.

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 02/12/2018 07:41

Its me that has bpd not my mother. I'll turn onto her and poison my own childrem Sad

OP posts:
Miscible · 02/12/2018 07:48

When you say she won't agree to her medication being delivered, what would happen if you just arranged it and told her you would no longer be collecting it for her?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/12/2018 07:50

This was my paternal grandmother - she wasn't mad, she didn't have dementia - she was just a selfish, controlling pissflap who couldn't settle until she had everyone running around like headless chickens doing what SHE wanted them to do.

She made both my parents lives a misery - her son, my DF died at 62 - anxious, exhausted, terrified of upsetting her. `He was her only living child (his brother had died at age 26 in an accident at work) and felt responsible for her. He put her before everyone, my mam, us kids (who she played off one against the other from us being tiny), and she treated him like muck.

My mam died aged 60 a year later - she had been forced to pick up the slack when my dad went. I had cut contact years before.

When SHE finally died, aged 98, the only people who bothered with her were myself and DH - we'd had nothing to do with her for years, but when she became ill it transpired I was down as NoK. We got her a home sorted out. She had no-one.

I felt heartily sorry for her, but frankly, if I hadn't cut contact I would have gone the same way as my parents.

Don't do it to yourself or your DD - she deserves your time more than your mother does. If your mother is prepared to be civil and sensible, by all means have a relationship with her, but if she continues to be unreasonable demanding, hard as it is - she is you mother. after all - step way and let her get on with it.

It is affecting your health, and it will ultimately affect your DDs.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/12/2018 07:53

There is no dementia, there is no mental health diagnosis. He has lived his entire life in jealously and bitterness.

Also my grandmother Jent.

I don't know what horrors these people have experienced in early life to make them like this, or whether there is just a wire loose in the brain, but they are poisonous.

Feefeetrixabelle · 02/12/2018 07:55

You’ve posted about her before haven’t you op? About booking her a drs appointment and her kicking off about it? On that thread you were advised to set some boundaries and not be as available did you get any chance with that?

Windgate · 02/12/2018 08:16

OP I could have written your post virtually word for word. There's nothing wrong with you apart from poor boundaries but that comes from FOG. My M is the same and I've burnt myself out trying to cope. She makes herself ill and has to be taken by ambulance to hospital. This last time I suddenly realised I just don't care anymore. When she tells me she'd be better off dead and can't disagree.

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 02/12/2018 08:16

Feefee i have stepped back massively. I have had to for the sake of my health but i cant abandon her completely.

My Dp suggested age concern but i know what would happen. It would be nice for a bit and then someone would say something she didnt want to hear and we'd be back to square one with accusations and rants.

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 02/12/2018 08:35

But then you would have age concern to support her with that. Have you considered adult social services?

Fairylea · 02/12/2018 08:36

I have Addison’s disease. And asthma, anaemia and thyroid problems. None of those things automatically give you a temper or anger issues. None of them. Your mother is using them as an excuse.

There’s a great support group for Addison’s disease on Facebook- uk Addison’s support- it’s full of the loveliest people. None of them are behaving like your mum.

Biologifemini · 02/12/2018 08:38

Visit and help out once per week or less. And don’t answer the phone to her.
Don’t let her control you like this.

BuggerandBalls · 02/12/2018 08:40

This all sounds so familiar. I haven’t spoken to my parents in years (their choice) because I lost my temper once and stood up for myself; nothing extreme, just got cross and told her she was being very hurtful...I quickly apologised for raising my voice, but this was apparently grounds for NC. My mum has chronic illnesses, is lonely, paranoid and very difficult to deal with (but MH assistance isn’t available because she doesn’t think there’s anything wrong so won’t seek help). One of my siblings has BPD - struggles sometimes but is still a great parent to my niece.

The way you feel is completely normal. Can you seek some counselling for yourself to help you with what you’re dealing with? Try not to engage with difficult behaviour as much as possible (I know that’s difficult!) - obviously you still want to help her, but you can only do so much.

pinkdelight · 02/12/2018 08:47

Don't drop everything and don't feel bad about it. It's not life and death and you're being a good mum, putting your DD first. Your mother won't understand that but you have to and you have to take care of yourself.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/12/2018 08:54

Have you looked into getting counselling? It sounds like you need some help on how to manage her. As with your last thread, she is not your responsibility. You have to detach.

ICouldBeSomebodyYouKnow · 02/12/2018 09:19

If you don't look after yourself, you won't be able to look after anyone else. First in that queue is your DD - she's a child. Next is your DH. Your DM is an adult, so she comes after them.

Apart from that I have nothing to add apart from more sympathy - PPS have given excellent advice.

Oh and having BPD does NOT mean you will turn into your mother!

BMW6 · 02/12/2018 09:30

I feel really sorry for you, but you are enabling her shitty behaviour by pandering to her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread