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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to let ex DH take DS to a concert.

103 replies

MissingCalifornia · 01/12/2018 17:21

I saw ex, we only parted ways three weeks ago so I’m prepared to be told that is clouding my judgment.
Today is DS’s birthday and he was gifted concert tickets to an act that I find inappropriate for his age (he’s 13) by DH. STBXH knows how I feel about this act so I’m pretty sure the whole thing is to undermine me and put me in a difficult position.
I’ve said to DS that I need think about him attending the concert which has spoiled his birthday lunch with relatives as he has sulked the whole way through it.
AIBU to stick to my guns and not let him go?

OP posts:
Purplejay · 01/12/2018 18:17

This sounds more about you being unhappy he got the tickets without your ok than concern about appropriateness or safety. If your DS already listens to the band and is not below any age restriction set I would let him go.

WhoWants2Know · 01/12/2018 18:18

I do sort of think that you might want to chat to DS's dad about it. A first concert is a bit of a teenage milestone and might be something his dad wants to do.

IME, parents often want their kids to maintain a relationship with step parents after a split, but it isn't always practical or ideal. Sometimes a clean break is best.

CaptainCabinets · 01/12/2018 18:20

A goth band? He’ll be fine. Anything metal/goth tends to attract a genuinely friendly crowd.

YABU, he’s 13.

WhoWants2Know · 01/12/2018 18:22

And thinking about it, given that the ex isn't respecting the OP's wishes about the concert would make me even more conscious of the need to establish firm boundaries at the start of the breakup. I think I would say no.

Original poster
MissingCalifornia · 01/12/2018 18:24

LittleMissComper I’m not British!

OP posts:
masterandmargarita · 01/12/2018 18:24

It's not a battle I would fight but your ex is unreasonable in terms of music taste!

JennyHolzersGhost · 01/12/2018 18:25

D
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I
P
F
E
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D

jaseyraex · 01/12/2018 18:26

Ah OP, I grew up in the height of emo/goth. Great crowds at those gigs. He'll be fine Grin
The important thing is, does your DS actually like the band or want to go to the gig? If so then absolutely let him go. But if your ex has basically bought them for himself under the guise of taking DS for his birthday then I'd probably tell him to do one.

littlemisscomper · 01/12/2018 18:29

I’m not British!

I really should have read your username before judging! Grin I'll let you off then!

NotANotMan · 01/12/2018 18:32

If the venue allows under 14s then it can't be that bad. Let him go.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2018 18:33

He’s 13. That’s a shit age for your parents (or parent and long term step parent) to split up. It’s only been 3 weeks. Everything is changing and he thought his birthday would be a happy straightforward occasion.

YWBU to rain on his parade and could have let him enjoy his day and then raised your concerns at a later date. Poor lad.

Your ex not being his dad is one hell of a dripfeed, as you know. But if he’s been a parent to your son for a long time you’ll find things go easier if you pick your battles.

Your ex may be deliberately winding you up. Or he may be trying to maintain a connection with a child he loves and will miss a lot now you’re no longer together.

He didn’t ruin your son’s birthday. You could have smiled and nodded, enjoyed the day and the lunch and then had a chat afterwards.

Glitteryfrog · 01/12/2018 18:33

NIN in Las Vegas tonight?

Notacluewhatthisis · 01/12/2018 18:35

The split is still new. But you have to get your head around, the fact that just because you have an opinion on something it does mean your son's father will share that opinion.

When you were a couple he may have backed you because you are a parenting unit. But that's not the case anymore.

Unless it's dangerous or widely inappropriate, there's not much you can do. I really don't understand why you need to think about anything. Your husband is as much the child's parent as you. You don't get the final say.

What the show/act is is relevant as well.

WaxOnFeckOff · 01/12/2018 18:39

I guess the back story required here is how much decision making about DS you allowed your current ex to make and how much involvement/decision making came from DSs dad in the past. If it's a case that on the bigger things you and DSs dad made the decisions and ex Dh was only involved in things affecting you as a trio or in smaller day to day things, then it may be appropriate to say that ex-dh is now not able to make decisions about where DS goes or what he sees. If he has previously been involved in a full parental role then it's a bit muddier. So, unless it is something really inappropriate then you are probably better not to sweat the small stuff especially as it's so soon after the split. However, I do think you need to reset the ground rules now about who makes what decisions in your son's life now and obviously, now that he is 13, he does have a say too.

Notacluewhatthisis · 01/12/2018 18:39

Sorry just seen the updates. For some reason my phone only loaded the first page.

Even if he is his step dad, not his actual dad. Then you need to decide, wether the you want the relationship to continue between ds and your husband. Because stuff like this will impact it and might backfire on you.

alfagirl73 · 01/12/2018 18:39

You've not actually said what exactly it is you find inappropriate? Is it the actual music? Are there particular songs that you consider are explicit (chances are your DS has already heard them anyway)... or are you doing what many people incorrectly do and assuming that "goths" are weird and judging them? In my experience of goths, most are kind, intelligent, non-judgmental, and the gig is likely to be a more civilised/safe affair than many other "mainstream" gigs. Plus your DS will be with an adult anyway. I don't see what the problem is.

SegmentationFault · 01/12/2018 18:40

Is it Ministry? I'm pretty sure they're on tour rn.

PolkaDoting · 01/12/2018 18:50

YABU and a bit mean to spoil his birthday over this.

Shriek · 01/12/2018 18:53

This is something that you had already said was unacceptable, so for ex to then gift tickets for his birthday is wrong wrong wrong. It's pretty twisted to be fair.
It's not fair putting DS in the middle when you have made it clear you have ruled on it.

Parenting with this ex sf sounds like its not going g to work if he's going to undermine your parenting. Even if it is something he's allowed to attend, you have already set a boundary for your DS, something that has to be respected by ex.
The gig is not the issue, your ex is!!!

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 01/12/2018 18:56

It would help if you put the band name on, but one way around it is the age on the videos/CDs that they produce - if they are eg 18 then it would be inappropriate and your ex would be irresponsible to take him. Not your fault!

lastqueenofscotland · 01/12/2018 18:58

States, goth outfit touring atm, getting maybe the growlers?
If you YABU

Shriek · 01/12/2018 21:33

The ex BVU gifting him ticket no matter what it was for

starrynight19 · 01/12/2018 22:08

So your ds obviously likes goth music , what is your objection other than it’s the same taste in music if your exdh ??

Shriek · 01/12/2018 23:09

The thing is you have already said no.

'No' is a complete sentence remember

BertrandRussell · 02/12/2018 16:54

No is absolutely not a complete sentence. That is one of those really stupid Mumsnet things.

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