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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be (slightly) unconvinced about DSis' MH issues

97 replies

milkandpancakes · 01/12/2018 14:32

My sister has been signed off work with depression for about three years now and lives with her fiancé who financially supports them both and seems happy to do that (I think she gets an allowance as well). When she was first signed off she did a lot of CBT and seemed to be really positive for a while, started studying and appeared to have plans to work in the future or start a business. But all this time later she seems to have just come to a standstill, she says she won't be doing anything towards her OU degree until after the wedding which is in July and which seems to be the only thing filling her time as far as I can see.

I've genuinely tried to be supportive and I don't doubt that she has issues, but it just seems like she's given up. Recently I said to her that she needs to start with something small and build her confidence from there but she replied that her depression is a fundamental part of her and she can't handle everyday normal life, it overwhelms her and it always has done. Her fiancé is the "only one who has ever truly listened...not tried to belittle or normalise it".

So basically my AIBU is, am I completely out of order suggesting/ thinking that she needs more in her life than just being at home and this can't be helping her anxiety and depression in the long term? Either way I can't get her to see that but just wanted to get other perspectives. Mental health stuff is really hard and I've suffered with it myself, I definitely relate to feeling overwhelmed but it feels like she believes the way she feels is almost uniquely bad? Or am I just not being understanding enough that this is just the way she is permanently? It's her life I know but I just feel sad for her, she's not even 30 and doesn't seem to want to do anything.

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 01/12/2018 15:37

Do be quiet Bombadier it's the OPs sister - so I suspect she has a fairly good idea of what she is like

And she's a mental health expert? Or yet another person trying to diagnose on her own limited experience? Who needs the NHS when we've got armchair psychiatrists.

If you don't like the word judge, how about ignorant? Because that's what is showing through in her view of those with mental illness, ignorance.

LikeLadyGodiva · 01/12/2018 15:38

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP.
I think some people are almost content with having MH issues define them.
I have a friend who posts daily on Facebook about her mental health issues, and being lonely with it and needing support, yet doesn't reply to messages when I make contact.
I've had MH issues myself for years and met many others with similar anxiety and depression issues. Some don't want to get better. Or getting better is a too frightening or strange to comprehend.
It's very complex. The best thing to do is say you are there for her, you always will be, but you cannot let other people's issues impact your own mental health.

KnopeforAmerica · 01/12/2018 15:38

It's all very well saying she needs to get out and make friends etc, but depression eats away at your self-worth. You feel unable to see how others could enjoy your company or want to talk to you and you become unable to take conversations beyond basic small-talk, if that. If you feel others are negatively judging how you deal with things, you lose a bit more self-confidence. She needs non-judgemental company from someone who can do things she enjoys without her feeling she needs to put on any sort of a show. Maybe she will seek 'proper' treatment at some point maybe not but you trying to push her into it won't work.

OMGFFS · 01/12/2018 15:38

I’m sorry but you sound like you know better than the person actually going through the issues.

Try to actually be supportive and if she doesn’t work what is the big deal?

Original poster
milkandpancakes · 01/12/2018 15:44

@Laiste I guess a better word might be 'malingering'. There's no non-offensive way to phrase it though and that's not quite right either. The thing is I know she's mentally unwell, of course she is. I also suspect she hides behind that to an extent and that her fiancé is possibly facilitating that due to the way she's changed since living with him.

It's not that she's 'milking it' and getting anything out of me personally, more that she's seeming not to want to take steps towards recovery which is ultimately really sad to see, because her life is just going to be rather empty. That's not what I want for her but if she's truly and genuinely either a) happy and fulfilled like that or b) not at all able to make changes then that's fine and totally fair enough.

I guess ultimately I'm not going to know what she's going through mentally, my concerns are what they are but I'm not in a position to help sadly.

Thanks for all the replies anyway.

OP posts:
Abeautifulpeagreenboat · 01/12/2018 15:47

I'd say that none of us (probably including you OP) are in a position to make a judgement on how ill she is and whether it's become just a way of life. My DH suffered with mild to moderate depression for years and then had a complete breakdown. He has been unable to work for several years. To the outside world he appears 'normal' and is now able to do a hobby and interact with others. However, despite this, he is still unwell and even doing some simple things can cause a huge amount of distress. Making a difficult phone call will take time to build up to and may have repercussions for hours. You'd meet him and never ever know. Yet I doubt he will ever be well enough to work again.

Guess I'm just telling you that to show that sometimes how people appear to others might not be the reality of their life.

DeaflySilence · 01/12/2018 15:50

"Actually ohplop I have suffered and do suffer from MH issues and I know that taking small steps has helped me"

I'm glad you are feeling better just now, but (with all respect) that ^ is a bit like saying ' I too have suffered from a life-changing virus, and I know that you have to have antiviral therapy'.

"choose to 'sit out' her life instead".

I really do not believe that ^ is a choice that mentally ill people make, although it can be symptomatic of the illness itself.

"There's nothing I can do to help as she won't let me. I'd love to help, believe me."

I do believe you, for sure. You clearly care about her. What sort of help would/could you give her (if she would let you)?

Laiste · 01/12/2018 15:56

Re-reading your OP, you mention that she's getting married next summer, and previous to the last few months (18 months?) 'stagnation' she was talking about starting a business.

Was this a business she would run from home? If it is could you encourage spending the next few months combining wedding preparations with future business preparations. No scary deadline's but something positive to look forward to after the wedding (and honey moon) is all over. A way to gently ease herself into something more for next year? Possibly the high from all the wedding excitement next summer might be a platform for her to find some extra confidence?

twattymctwatterson · 01/12/2018 16:02

The thing is op. What if the life she's living is enough for her? Would that be anything to do with you?

Aridane · 01/12/2018 16:26

Comparing cancer to depression? Hmm

Speaking for myself (only) - and having had cancer in 2016 and having also suffered from depression (seemingly resistant to anti depressants) - I found the depression much worse than cancer

Aridane · 01/12/2018 16:28

The ”allowance” OP’s sister gets - is that from DP or the state?

Aridane · 01/12/2018 16:29

I do know a bit about mental illness though

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing...

Original poster
milkandpancakes · 01/12/2018 16:36

@Aridane well I did literally say in the same post that I'm not an expert and wanted to get other perspectives about whether IABU.

OP posts:
Aridane · 01/12/2018 16:47

Yes - but what is coming across is that because you (think you) know about mental illness you are judging your unwell ‘malingering’ sister.

Original poster
milkandpancakes · 01/12/2018 17:04

Well ok, I don't think that's really what I'm saying if you read all my posts and take them as a whole but I guess we won't agree.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 01/12/2018 17:23

I don’t disagree with you that she isn’t actively doing anything to aid recovery from depression, but as long as her DF is happy to keep financially supporting her and she can keep claiming benefits then it’s her life at the end of the day.

It’s true you can lead a productive life with depression and anxiety, but it isn’t enjoyable, and it doesn’t always get better with time. I think many people would prefer to stay at home if they had the choice.

Lizzie48 · 01/12/2018 17:39

It can be frustrating when someone close to you doesn't seem to want to help themselves, especially when you've come out the other side yourself. But if your DSis and her DF are happy with the way things are, and she can't cope with making changes, then you'll have to leave it to her to figure it out.

I understand why you're worried, though, because her DF might not be happy to support her financially indefinitely.

Original poster
milkandpancakes · 01/12/2018 17:42

@SaucyJack well that's fair enough. I think in the past working has given her more confidence and she's appeared to enjoy it. But it's hard to keep pushing through depression and anxiety and there's nothing wrong with staying home perhaps. I wish she'd do something, just to break up the day and give her a sense of purpose and connection with the outside world. But this thread and rereading her messages have brought it home for me that this is it for her (for whatever reason, she does seem very clear about that) and there's really nothing I can do except wish her well.

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 01/12/2018 17:49

Having depression must be awful. Having a close relative with depression is also awful.

There are support groups for families of alcoholics and people with addictions.

It is understood that if member of the family has an addiction you need support and help and you may well be critical of them. Addiction is an illness.

However, if your relative has depression you have to be endlessly supportive, positive, caring and you must never, ever judge. If you say a word that is not totally sympathetic you are unreasonable, as this thread demonstrates.

Depression impacts on the whole family.

WarCat · 01/12/2018 17:50

Does she want to work? Ever again?Does she want a family??

Original poster
milkandpancakes · 01/12/2018 18:03

She wants to start a family fairly soon after the wedding and as far as work goes I have no idea.

OP posts:
madmum5811 · 01/12/2018 18:13

Does getting pregnant having a baby help with depression, it was the opposite in my case.

Original poster
milkandpancakes · 01/12/2018 18:56

@madmum5811 She says that she would need extra support but definitely wants to have a family with her DF. It's another worry but also another thing I can do nothing about except hope for the best!

OP posts:
BlancheM · 01/12/2018 19:02

Sounds like she's doing really well actually. She knows her limits. She understands her illness. You don't.
You may think she's doing nothing and isn't achieving anything but those are your opinions, not hers. Leave her be or you'll just make her feel shit about herself which is bad enough when the person you're making feel inadequate doesn't have depression.
Be honest though, the real problem is that she doesn't have a job and that bothers you.

madmum5811 · 01/12/2018 19:02

When she says extra support, what does that mean in reality? Family help, state help??

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