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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When socialising with others does your DH talk to you

58 replies

Harrykanesrightsock · 01/12/2018 08:31

I have been told that this is how it is for everyone.

Socialising with another couple, we sit down and DH immediately starts a conversation with the man who is his friend while me and friends wife start chatting. But that was how it was for the rest of the night, Two separate conversations. I tried on a good few occasions to draw a common topic and get all chatting but DH at the first opportunity turned back and starts the one on one with his friend.

He thinks IABU to expect us all to chat and this is how it is.

He has form for it but we we are usually with mutual friends who naturally bring the conversation back to include everyone despite DHs best efforts to segregate the group.

If he wanted a night with his friend then surely he should have done just that. It was actually a very awkward night for me.

OP posts:
JudasPrudy · 01/12/2018 08:33

I do get left with the girlfriend of the friend a bit especially at the start of the night as DH and his friend catch up, but we talk as a group as well. Sounds a bit strange of your DH, is he usually a bit socially inept?

Sexnotgender · 01/12/2018 08:34

Yes of course my DH talks to me. Your husband is weird.

Original poster
Harrykanesrightsock · 01/12/2018 08:38

Yup. He is adamant that when out men talk to the men and women to other women Confused he thinks I’m weird.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 01/12/2018 08:38

So it was just the four of you? Yes that's weird.
At parties we tend to go our separate ways quite quickly and then join up at the end. But if we are out in a four we'd chat as a four.
(That makes it sound like we have a great social life which we don't!)

StarsHollow123 · 01/12/2018 08:39

YANBU

How very odd of your DH. The whole point of socialising with friends as couples is that you share conversations or why would you bother? Yes there are usually one to one conversations as well but not exclusively or what is the point of meeting as a couple Hmm If I were the other couple I'd assume you'd both had an argument and your DH was being an arse to you in public.

Cambionome · 01/12/2018 08:39

If it was awkward for you, then tell him. I don't think that there's anything wrong with having some separate conversations but he shouldn't be doing it to the extent that you feel uncomfortable.

Does he usually disregard your feelings like this?

TwinkleToes101 · 01/12/2018 08:40

I recognise this behaviour and it's far from weird. Where I live it is extremely common. I don't like it though!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 01/12/2018 08:42

This is really weird and if I socialised with another couple who did this I'd stop seeing them. It's a grown up gathering, not a year 7 disco - of course it doesn't need to be boys on one side girls on the other, everyone just chats like adults

Cambionome · 01/12/2018 08:43

Just read your update - he is the weird one.
Hope this helps.

Original poster
Harrykanesrightsock · 01/12/2018 08:44

I just felt dismissed to be honest. We did have a few words last night but we are poles apart on our opinions and I honestly didn’t know whether I was expecting too much.

OP posts:
Mainie · 01/12/2018 08:44

Oh, god, is his idea of ‘socialising with another couple’ that classic arrangement where you see the two men walking ahead in rugby shirts talking about sport as if they’re by themselves, and completely oblivious to the two women, done up to the nines and trying to keep up in high heels, a few yards behind? As if socialising is some sex-segregated activity?

Honestly, I can’t imagine going out with another couple purely because my husband was friends with the guy — unless he and/or his partner were also friends of mine. Finding and paying a babysitter is too precious to waste on being the ignored female accompaniment to a conversation between your DH and his friend. Why doesn’t he just see him solo?

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 01/12/2018 08:45

No he's being weird. I have to say I've occasionally come across couples where the men will only talk to men and women to women. I really dislike it as it creates an odd dynamic and we tend to avoid that situation if we can.

Thinking about it, you're more likely to find my DH talking to our female friends!

Caprisunorange · 01/12/2018 08:46

My DH is awful for this also. It’s not only men though he’ll talk to anyone. I think he figures that he speaks to me all the time so when socialising it’s to catch up with other peoples news. It’s annoying

Original poster
Harrykanesrightsock · 01/12/2018 08:48

Maine Grin laughing at the idea of me in high heels and dolled up. But yes that is the stereotypical crap that he obviously has been harbouring for years.

Now how to address it without having another argument Sad

OP posts:
tactum · 01/12/2018 08:49

No that is very wired. Going out as a 4 you talk as a group.

We're at a friend's big party tonight and in that scenario it does tend to be more gender split and we will be apart for long periods of time, which is fine - I can chat to DH anytime and would rather be catching up with friends I haven't seen for a while.

But no, in the situation you describe it's odd, particularly if you don't know the woman as well as he knows the man - I'd rather he just met him for a couple of pints on his own.

TeeniefaeTroon · 01/12/2018 08:49

Not so much if there's just one couple but if my 4 friends and their husbands are out with us, then generally the men chat together as do the women.

Shoxfordian · 01/12/2018 08:50

He sounds like he's stuck in the 1950s. Men talk to men about men things eh? Very odd.

Flutternotsoshy · 01/12/2018 08:50

Nope that's weird.
Our friends are our friends. Not me and the girls and him and the lads.

If I'm going out with the girls for a girls only night that's one thing. (or he's out with the lads)

But if we're out together in mixed company everyone talks to everyone. There may be times where I'm talking to Anna while he's talking to John, but not all night and chances are I'll end up chatting to John and him to Anna at some point. Most times it's just a mass group conversation though.

Adversecamber22 · 01/12/2018 08:52

This reminds me of a Harry Enfield sketch where post dinner the butler says the men will retire for cigars and the women for coffee and fainting in seperate rooms.

I agree it makes a weird dynamic, sometimes a group will have more than one conversation flowing at once but this is deliberate.

Sexnotgender · 01/12/2018 08:54

Gads, I hate being expected to only chat to the female half of the couple. Has your husband been transported here from the 1950s?

StrawberrySquash · 01/12/2018 08:56

To a degree normal; the ex and I used to have where we'd naturally split in to me and her and him and him. But we would also talk as a four and he wouldn't have divided the conversation like that. It's the insistence on segregation that I find odd. But I can see the logic of wanting to talk to people other than your partner. At big family gathering my mum would deliberately not sit near my dad. I
I can sort of sympathise with his desire for talk with a bloke, especially a particular one, but to refuse to talk to you is mean.

CherryPavlova · 01/12/2018 08:56

Depends on the event. If a supper or drink with four people we’d all talk together. At supper with six -ten people we’d talk to people either side and more generally at the table. Over ten sat down we’d follow usual rule and talk to either side and occasionally directly across.
Larger drinks party we’d separate.
Close friends for tea or pre theatre, he might be whisked off to see a new chicken shed or shown the car repair whilst I chatted to the wife.
Safari supper we’d talk to,others in the houses but to each other walking between the houses.

Original poster
Harrykanesrightsock · 01/12/2018 09:00

its Not really about him not speaking to me, it’s the forced segregation that bothered me. I actually like his friend but there was no chance for any lengthy chat with him or us all catching up.

OP posts:
BlaaBlaaBlaa · 01/12/2018 09:01

Does he not want to talk to the female half of the couple?

Huntawaymama · 01/12/2018 09:01

I get a bit of this but my husband and his friends are farmers and love to talk about sheep and grass and could all night whereas us girls get bored and have our own nice chats. We do have group conversations now to. Tbh this sounds awful but my husband never really spent time talking to women until he'd been with me for a while. He found it hard to find common ground but now lots of us have kids he finds it easier

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