I've been a doormat. Aibu to stop this now?

[Melliejellie]

Nc for this as some family use MN.

Bit of background. DH and I are both from large families and friendship groups. We both apparently have reputations as being the "sensible" capable ones. Not sure why, neither of us are the eldest of our families but we're fairly boring,we have never been party animals, and we have quite caring/responsible jobs.

So when SIL was having trouble in her marriage we looked after her children at the weekends so she could reconnect with her husband. When my friend who suffers from poor mental health has a bad day, she calls me. When someone needs a lift to the hospital, or a shoulder to cry on, or needs to borrow money, they tend to come to us.

If I'm honest, it has been getting a bit much over the last few years. DH was ill, I took on a second job to save for our first house, and if I'm honest we didn't have enough time to look after other people's toddlers or to sit and listen to a friend rant for two hours.

To get to the point, I was feeling emotionally drained, but after our baby arrived this summer, I expected to be left alone. I come for a family where parents of under 3s are understood to be more or less out of commission for a bit,and are the ones deserving of care and sympathy!

This has not been the case from DH's side of the family and from some of my friends, none of whom have children. SIL is lovely, but very very needy of her parents and DHs attention. When our baby was 3 weeks old she wanted us to look after the DNs. DH said no, I was post section and it would be too much. She begged and I said if she was desperate he should go to her house to watch them for a bit. I thought it was a one off but it's been nearly every week, though we don't always say yes. A few times she's left the children with pil who have then dropped them to our house as "they can see the baby". We were out once and she phoned us because our neice was apparently crying to see the baby and wanted to know when we'd be home. She also phoned once to ask dh to help her in with the shopping as she had to park on the road and couldn't manage the shopping and the children. So as not to drop feed, her husband works from home 3 days a week and has weekends off, whereas DH works 10 hour shifts with an hour commute either end. PILs are also always phoning DH to come and help them with various things, putting up sheds, helping them with their new ipad.

My "friends" are equally crap post baby. I don't drink so I usually am the driver on nights out. They wanted to go on a night out when baby was 3 months old. I said no thanks (breastfeeding)

The next thing I know, they're inviting themselves round to mine for a takeaway. OK actually, that's fine we had a good night. Except they have been trying to make it a weekly thing ever since and are getting increasingly huffy with me when I say no. And one friend I meet for lunch. We take turns paying, but when it's my turn she buys the most expensive thing on the menu and talks about all her problems because I "give such good advice". No asking me how I'm coping with motherhood.

There's been a few other things too- when I got out of hospital after having the baby, we had constant streams of visitors right away, most of whom were very welcome but some who stayed for 4 hours and expected lunch, apparently they'd been really looking forward to it as I'm such a good cook!

It's all come to a head this week. Sil phoned to say the children "would be" coming round to "help us" decorate our tree. I know it sounds spoilt, but I have had enough, I just want it to be dh, baby and me, with some carols playing and mince pies, putting up the bloody Baby's First Christmas bauble. Then my friend who lives overseas messaged me to ask when she could visit next and she hoped we had still kept the spare bed in the new nursery. Except I know she doesn't really want to see us, she wants a place to stay while she visits family here. She tried to invite herself the week before my due date and was annoyed when I said I wasn't up to it

I can't tell if I'm being unfair or blowing things out of proportion or what, I feel that every single request is a drain on our time, especially when it's DH doing things for other people who just assume I'm coping so well with the baby that I don't need him around. DH is sick of it too. We're both starting to push back and it's definitely pissing people off and now I don't know if I am being princessy.

I feel that being the capable, helpful one has absolutely shot me in the foot. I have had no leeway for having a small baby, none at all. In fact because I'm on maternity leave people think I'm doing nothing all day and it's ramped up. DH works an early shift one day a week so is home mid afternoon and every single week pils or sils will call within the hour of him getting home, needing him for something. It's just all too much, I realise now that being helpful and supportive has been a one way street and it hasn't been going in our direction

Can someone give me some perspective on this? Sorry it is long. I've been discussing this with DH too and we both are struggling to work out where to draw the line

Melliejellie ...I am ancient now but you sound so like me when I was a young mum ...and still am if I don't watch myself. In the end what helped me was a dawning realization that you can be first in line to help, but last when it comes to consideration from others. Endless examples but don't want to out myself.

Reading threads on here helped too. In particular the following advice given to others:
You can't change others, you can only change the way you respond to them.
If you keep doing the same things don't be surprised if you keep getting the same outcomes.

Good luck op. My own personal piece of hard earned wisdom is that you, your time and your needs are just as important as anybody else's. If you don't show you believe that then others will take you for granted.
Take care of you and yours first.

You need to send a concise and clearly worded message by whatever means to all the family stating that you are not available for anything for any of them for the next x weeks - no dropping in, no phoning, etc., this is not a request, you are not going to discuss it or argue about it, it is your decision and you expect them to respect it. You will contact them when you are ready to do so.

Tell your friend an absolute no to coming and staying with you, don't apologise, don't explain, just say no you are not available.

Set firm boundaries and stick to them OP. You do not need to justify anything nor do you owe anyone an explanation.

Move to Nepal!!!

Seriously, no matter how you do it there will be 'fallout' so just be prepared. You may actually lose a friend or two, but if you do they weren't friends to begin with! Family is harder to deal with but if you're lucky they'll leave you in peace huff off for awhile to 'punish' you.

If you decide to tackle this face to face or by phone, may I suggest that you and DH take turns 'role playing' SiL and any other family members who will be likely to argue with you? One of you make the prepared statement (however you decide to word it) and the other 'argue back' as you believe SiL would. Role play different scenarios. It may sound silly, but you'll be surprised how much it can help.

As far as SiL doing a 'drop and run', does she leave before they've actually opened the door? Do you have a front gate you can lock?

Well SIL isn't going to like the childcare on tap drying up.

You will inevitably have to have dns again. Call in a reciprocal babysitting favour and get out with dh.

Are you going to be in line for this famous family pulling together? Or does it only go one way?

PIL are going to need retraining as well as being much more hard nosed to SIL.

Is your dh onside? Its not going to help if you say no and he says yes.

Send a group text to everyone saying you're taking a mental health break for a couple of weeks, under advice, due to exhaustion.

I wouldn’t do that. They’ll start gossiping that you’ve lost the plot and can’t cope. I think just being more assertive with requests as they arise will do the job here, rather than a blanket ban on seeing people/helping out. As you might find people won’t invite you to things you actually want to attend and it could make you feel excluded. It will time for them to respect your boundaries but they will if you hold firm.

Wow, what a bunch of CFs! Start saying no! They are dreadful! Go out with the friend and when she pays order loads - breastfeeding makes you hungry!!

My blood pressure was rising just reading the OP!

You need to make a stand now and just say no to the things you don’t want to do. No excuses like “taking a mental health break” tell them the truth- “it’s not convenient” “we don’t want to” make sure your husband is on board and you’re both saying the same thing.

And make sure your door is locked from the inside so people can’t just walk in. I am that anyone literally dumps their children on someone else’s doorstep and drives off without saying a word!

As for your friend assuming they can stay at yours while visiting family and that there’s a spare bed in your baby’s nursery what a cheek.

Good luck OP. Stand firm and think of the massive favour you’re doing your nieces- if someone starts taking a stand now they hopefully won’t grow up to be selfish grabby piss takers.

I can't believe she dumps them at yours. Surely at some point u ou must have been about to go out?

Ive been there OP, with PIL, relatives and friends.

We’re the ones everyone comes to for advice, “loans”, and the assumptions we will fix everyone’s problems.

This year we’d had enough, Dh was very direct and very blunt. “We’ve had enough, we have hugely busy lives ourselves and occasionally our own issues which we quietly get on with ourselves. We’re not having this constant assumption we’re here for everyone else’s problems. We aren’t doing it anymore, you have to sort yourselves out”.

We also had to lock the doors for a period, because some people just don’t understand that what we said, applies to them.
Actually with your SIL you’ll have to be very specific and tell her you’re locking the doors as she may dump the nieces in the drive and off she’ll go!

Be strong, direct and act as a team and prople will get the message. Good luck!

Good luck OP.

Poor OP. There may be some fallout but your little family is the priority.
I wouldn't do a group text - too dramatic - but make assertive responses to all unreasonable demands. So no to the tree decorating. Screen your calls and ignore all demands - only respond if someone is coming over and stop them IF it doesn't suit you.
Be prepared for some fall out - they will pick up on your different responses so stay calm but assertive.
Good luck

It might help to examine why you and your DH feel you have to be the ones in the family who are the helpers. [otherwise you would have said 'no' long ago] The fact that you also have responsible jobs suggest you also are or perhaps were attached to helping or rescuing others in order to feel good about yourselves. Sometimes as we grow older we have less need to be like this and we learn a healthier way of interacting.

This will be especially important to show your DC otherwise they may end up dropping into the same role.

You are loved and wanted just as you are - there is no need to do anything for anyone else unless you choose to do so however because this behaviour is already firmly established in your family there may well be increasing levels of resentment from everyone else once you begin to change it. They're all very happy with things exactly how they are.

It's great that you and your DH feel the same because you'll probably need a very united front - people may well try and play you off against each other to try and regain the current position. People don't like having boundaries put into place and sometimes we are afraid to put them in because we worry they won't like us any more.

Practice feeling ok if someone doesn't like you - this will also help with the numerous future times your kids don't like you when setting boundaries. It's a skill we need to learn.

It might be worth trying to explain how used you feel to people but I expect they won't truly hear what you are saying and it will be a question of learning to say no as well as putting things into place to prevent the opportunity of others taking advantage of your good nature. Saying no takes practice.

I like @stormy76 line to sil

We have our own baby you can’t just drop your baby offf.

Tell cf friend . You need to find elsewhere to stay , no need to explain even why.

I would say more explanations you give the more these cfers will find a counter argument

Be strong you can do this. When i read your sentence about how she struggles with her kids i though
No she doesn't she does not want the responsibility of looking after them. Good luck

Start saying "No, that doesn't work for us."

"Sorry, it's not convenient."

"I'm afraid we are busy then."

Good lord!

Well it’s good that DH is sick of it too. With a united front you should be able to kick this

Yanbu - in the slightest.

Helping family is fine, if it's reciprocated and there is a genuine need for you to help. But in your heart of hearts you know that if you had a couple more kids and just dropped them off with sil because you felt like it, or called her husband to help with something you could easily do yourself, she would NOT be there like a shot.

It's not like she is ill or struggling - her husband is around, it sounds like she has plenty spare time etc (or more than a lot of people have with kids). She wants help because it makes her life easier but she doesn't NEED it.

To be honest asking someone to look after your kids 3 weeks after having a section, is horribly cruel and selfish and sounds like she didn't think about your recovery or even did think but didn't care. And asking your husband who works long days and has been ill to help her in with shopping is pathetic.

Ideally you could just scale it back however it sounds like sil is incapable of seeing anything from anyone else's viewpoint or thinking about anyone but herself, so this is unlikely to change so you will probably have to just decline all requests for now as otherwise she will find excuses about why you really need to help or she will just impose on you witout asking

Yanbu and you need to start asserting yourself a lot more. Does your husband agree?

Agree with other posters and you need to start saying no. It will be really hard to start off with and people will be annoyed and try to make you feel like you are the one with the problem because they've got so used to you doing whatever they want. Hold your ground though and it'll get easier.
I sympathise, I have a very needy family and I've had to step back this year due to illness and it hasn't gone down well but they are starting to get the message.

Start saying no.

But don't be as polite as some suggestions have been as "I'm sorry / I'm afraid / not convenient..." seems to give CFs wriggle room.

A robust "No, we will not be doing that!" and let them pick the bones out of it!

If you don't grow a backbones of iron you and your DH and child will never have lives of your own!

Good luck

I know on Mumsnet 'no is a complete sentence' etc but for me to nip this in the bud I'd need an excuse.

I'd probably just say that you've been to see the gp about symptoms of exhaustion and on doctors advice you cannot do anything other than the bare minimum.

Then just say for the fureseeable future you won't be doing x, y, z. Then put your phone on silent and don't answer the door.

Without exception both you and dh need to stick to this for at least 6 months, any family visits need to be prearranged as you're resting.

Friends and family who love you will respect this. Any that don't aren't worth you bothering to help in the future.

Start repeatedly saying no. Ask inlaws to phone before visiting because you might be sleeping or out. Tell everyone you’re needing a quiet few months so won’t be able to help out as much or be that involved

Your SIL is an utter user I am afraid. I cannot believe she drops them off and drives off without a word.

As others have said I’m afraid you just have to start saying no. Explain to your friend that, now you’re on maternity leave, you’d rather spread out the cost and go Dutch every time, then never return to paying for each other.

And find some friends who aren’t users, maybe with a similar age child. Friendships should be balanced!

OP, find your line and stick to it! Agree with the others who have said get DH on board and work out what you’re going to say. Dumping your children on others when they’re being “challenging” is pretty crap parenting and it’s not much wonder she struggles with them if that’s her solution (unless there are underlying issues causing the behaviour, any child who is constantly foisted on others isn’t exactly going to feel loved and wanted. And where is her husband??!)

Do NOT let your DNs help decorate the tree if you don’t want them there. It’s baby’s first Christmas and you will not be able to get it back. You can either have memories of the the three of you hanging decoratoins and having a lovely time or it will be “Oh yeah, remember when DNs came and we had to let them do the tree” with accompanying resentment! We had our first Christmas on our own and told everyone what we were doing as we didn’t want to share it. When you’ve got a new baby there are so many firsts and it’s up to you which ones are shared and which ones are just for you.

Good luck!

What must your DNS think being dumped at every opportunity? About time their mum started parenting them.