Nc for this as some family use MN.
Bit of background. DH and I are both from large families and friendship groups. We both apparently have reputations as being the "sensible" capable ones. Not sure why, neither of us are the eldest of our families but we're fairly boring,we have never been party animals, and we have quite caring/responsible jobs.
So when SIL was having trouble in her marriage we looked after her children at the weekends so she could reconnect with her husband. When my friend who suffers from poor mental health has a bad day, she calls me. When someone needs a lift to the hospital, or a shoulder to cry on, or needs to borrow money, they tend to come to us.
If I'm honest, it has been getting a bit much over the last few years. DH was ill, I took on a second job to save for our first house, and if I'm honest we didn't have enough time to look after other people's toddlers or to sit and listen to a friend rant for two hours.
To get to the point, I was feeling emotionally drained, but after our baby arrived this summer, I expected to be left alone. I come for a family where parents of under 3s are understood to be more or less out of commission for a bit,and are the ones deserving of care and sympathy!
This has not been the case from DH's side of the family and from some of my friends, none of whom have children. SIL is lovely, but very very needy of her parents and DHs attention. When our baby was 3 weeks old she wanted us to look after the DNs. DH said no, I was post section and it would be too much. She begged and I said if she was desperate he should go to her house to watch them for a bit. I thought it was a one off but it's been nearly every week, though we don't always say yes. A few times she's left the children with pil who have then dropped them to our house as "they can see the baby". We were out once and she phoned us because our neice was apparently crying to see the baby and wanted to know when we'd be home. She also phoned once to ask dh to help her in with the shopping as she had to park on the road and couldn't manage the shopping and the children. So as not to drop feed, her husband works from home 3 days a week and has weekends off, whereas DH works 10 hour shifts with an hour commute either end. PILs are also always phoning DH to come and help them with various things, putting up sheds, helping them with their new ipad.
My "friends" are equally crap post baby. I don't drink so I usually am the driver on nights out. They wanted to go on a night out when baby was 3 months old. I said no thanks (breastfeeding)
The next thing I know, they're inviting themselves round to mine for a takeaway. OK actually, that's fine we had a good night. Except they have been trying to make it a weekly thing ever since and are getting increasingly huffy with me when I say no. And one friend I meet for lunch. We take turns paying, but when it's my turn she buys the most expensive thing on the menu and talks about all her problems because I "give such good advice". No asking me how I'm coping with motherhood.
There's been a few other things too- when I got out of hospital after having the baby, we had constant streams of visitors right away, most of whom were very welcome but some who stayed for 4 hours and expected lunch, apparently they'd been really looking forward to it as I'm such a good cook!
It's all come to a head this week. Sil phoned to say the children "would be" coming round to "help us" decorate our tree. I know it sounds spoilt, but I have had enough, I just want it to be dh, baby and me, with some carols playing and mince pies, putting up the bloody Baby's First Christmas bauble. Then my friend who lives overseas messaged me to ask when she could visit next and she hoped we had still kept the spare bed in the new nursery. Except I know she doesn't really want to see us, she wants a place to stay while she visits family here. She tried to invite herself the week before my due date and was annoyed when I said I wasn't up to it
I can't tell if I'm being unfair or blowing things out of proportion or what, I feel that every single request is a drain on our time, especially when it's DH doing things for other people who just assume I'm coping so well with the baby that I don't need him around. DH is sick of it too. We're both starting to push back and it's definitely pissing people off and now I don't know if I am being princessy.
I feel that being the capable, helpful one has absolutely shot me in the foot. I have had no leeway for having a small baby, none at all. In fact because I'm on maternity leave people think I'm doing nothing all day and it's ramped up. DH works an early shift one day a week so is home mid afternoon and every single week pils or sils will call within the hour of him getting home, needing him for something. It's just all too much, I realise now that being helpful and supportive has been a one way street and it hasn't been going in our direction
Can someone give me some perspective on this? Sorry it is long. I've been discussing this with DH too and we both are struggling to work out where to draw the line