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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that I don't even get half an hour to myself?

60 replies

DramaticGoose · 30/11/2018 20:02

My ds is 3 and in full time nursery. Both dh and I work. We both do the same number of hours but my work is 5 mins from home, dh gets the train. I do pick ups and drop offs to nursery, unless dh has a day off.

This evening, I picked up ds, cooked dinner (homemade meatballs and pasta with a tomato sauce), breastfed ds (I don't need to be told to stop - the reason I still do it is because ds is allergic to dairy so it's one of his only sources of calcium - he refuses a lot of food, especially green leafy veg, etc), played with him and we've now eaten tea. (Very pleased that ds ate some of it. I hid veg in the meatballs Grin)

I asked if dh would start bedtime so I could have half an hour to myself. But no. Dh is in my room, stealing my peace and quiet and ds is running amok in his room and its going to be another night of me settling him for fucking hours while dh does nothing. I'll probably get out of ds's room at 9.30 to a sink full of washing up that we'll 'do together'.

I am so tired. Ds was in my bed from around 1.30 last night and I couldn't get back to sleep so lay awake for hours. I had a drs appointment this afternoon so went to work early to make up the time... I am so fucking tired. All I asked for was half a fucking hour. Angry

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lineofbeauty · 30/11/2018 20:04

No YANBU. Your DH is an inconsiderate tit for not spontaneously offering help, even worse for not responding to a direct request.

AliceRR · 30/11/2018 20:04

What was DH doing while you were cooking etc? Had he had any time to his self?

If he has then YANBU to want some too and he should help more with DS
y

Gizlotsmum · 30/11/2018 20:05

Did he actually refuse to do bedtime? Is the washing up ready to be done?

Somewhereovertherainbow13 · 30/11/2018 20:06

And I was thinking you should be grateful that he helps do the washing up - more than my oh would do

Sexnotgender · 30/11/2018 20:07

Of course YANBU but you know that already.

Mummadeeze · 30/11/2018 20:09

This is my life, I work full time and do everything in the evening. I am not a single mum but feel like one in many ways. All I can say is it gets a lot easier when they get older. The unhelpful partner helps more too when they don’t need looking after. Eg I can go for a run now in the early mornings whilst my partner is asleep and my daughter is up but watching TV as she is old enough to wake him up if she needs something but is also old enough to get it herself. No advice though for how to get your partner to share the load though as I have always just got on with everything myself rather than cause an argument :(

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/11/2018 20:09

Have you asked him why he doesn’t want to spend time with his son?

Dragongirl10 · 30/11/2018 20:10

Sit down and talk to each other, tell him what you expect clearly and ask for his agreement. Sometimes you need to be blunt.

But lt seems to me your real problem is lack of a bedtime routine which works for your DS so that you have an evening, a 3 year old should be in bed for 7pm assuming up at 7am. If you had that in place then this would hugely help your stress levels and give you both some much needed downtime.
Batch cook at weekends so food is much quicker to get on the table, and arrange with Dh that he does something helpful whilst you are cooking. Could you get a dishwasher?

Original poster
DramaticGoose · 30/11/2018 20:11

DH gets time on the train to unwind. He also wallowed in the bath for two hours last night while I was trying to settle ds.

He'll get more time tonight when he fails at bedtime and I have to take over.

OP posts:
orzo · 30/11/2018 20:13

You really need a better bedtime routine. 2 hours is ridiculous

AliceRR · 30/11/2018 20:14

Time on the train wouldn’t count as time to myself / to unwind for me tbh. I’d probably just as readily be at home cooking dinner tbh

What will you be doing when he “fails at bedtime” and why will you need to take over

You should be sharing the load especially when you both work but it doesn’t sound like he has lots more free time than you

Birdsgottafly · 30/11/2018 20:15

Don't settle him for hours, leave him awake whilst you both get on with the dishes.

Bedtime routines shouldn't take that long.

What is your DH's opinion on your BF, is he hoping his lack of imput will force you to stop?

SoyDora · 30/11/2018 20:16

And I was thinking you should be grateful that he helps do the washing up - more than my oh would do

Thankfully not everyone has such low standards.

YANBU. When we’re both at home, DH and I do 50:50 parenting and housework. Because the children and the house belong to both of us. Have you sat him down and discussed this with him? I just can’t imagine my DH lying around relaxing when he could see that I was exhausted.

Birdsgottafly · 30/11/2018 20:16

"a 3 year old should be in bed for 7pm assuming up at 7am"

Not all children need the same amount of sleep. There isn't a 'should' about it.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 30/11/2018 20:16

Commuting time isn't "unwinding". 2 hours in the bath obviously is!

Original poster
DramaticGoose · 30/11/2018 20:17

We rent and there's no space for a dishwasher Sad.

I agree about bedtime. I've suggested over and over that ds should be going to bed earlier but dh says he wouldn't get to spend much time with him if he went to bed earlier. Which is bs because the time they do get together in the evening's usually involves dh getting increasingly annoyed by ds. Dh gets home from work at around 6ish, but this evening he wasn't back until 6.30.

To be fair, dh is now reading ds a bedtime story so I guess it's not all bad.

OP posts:
CovenofMiLsfromHades · 30/11/2018 20:18

Your dh should help more, but I agree a better bedtime routine would give you time to yourself in the evening.

Sexnotgender · 30/11/2018 20:18

I get the train home, it’s definitely not ‘me’ time! Though I’m 7 months pregnant and never get a seat and get crushed in like a sardine every time.

CovenofMiLsfromHades · 30/11/2018 20:19

Just tell him ds has to go to bed earlier and thats, that. If he wants some time with him he can do his bath and story.

JohnLapsleyParlabane · 30/11/2018 20:20

If DH is doing story time, get your own bath run and lock the door. Don't come out till all is quiet.

orzo · 30/11/2018 20:22

Most children do indeed need 12 hours ish a night.

Yes not all children are the same, but the differences aren't wildly huge. People that trot out this rubbish usually have rubbish sleepers and daren't blame themselves

formerbabe · 30/11/2018 20:23

Of course yanbu...but I'm bemused that bedtime is taking hours. That is ridiculous.

Original poster
DramaticGoose · 30/11/2018 20:24

I know the train isn't time to unwind, but it is passive. He gets to read books. I haven't read a book since I can't remember and I used to be an avid reader.

I guess we're both up against it and it's been a tough few weeks. Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion...

DH says I should continue breastfeeding as long as I want / ds need it. TBH I don't want to stop now because of the allergies - we lay down the calcium stores in our early years. This way, at least I know ds is getting some! Also, I can't face making him stop right now, he'd be so upset!

OP posts:
Original poster
DramaticGoose · 30/11/2018 20:27

Bedtime is a fucking joke in our house. It goes on for ever. This week it's been awful. I think ds was still awake at 9.30 last night. I am worried about it. I'm just not really sure how to deal with it.

I suppose I'm a rubbish mummy Sad

OP posts:
EncroachingLoaf · 30/11/2018 20:27

When my ds was 3 I got sick of the long drawn out bedtime with him messing about for hours. I started leaving him after stories/cuddles for 15-20 mins. He quickly got bored of acting up when he no longer had an audience and started falling asleep in about 5 minutes! And he was the king of twatting about at bedtime. Worth a try?

Your DH sounds like he could be doing more but commuting is not down time.