To be annoyed that I don't even get half an hour to myself?

[DramaticGoose]

My ds is 3 and in full time nursery. Both dh and I work. We both do the same number of hours but my work is 5 mins from home, dh gets the train. I do pick ups and drop offs to nursery, unless dh has a day off.

This evening, I picked up ds, cooked dinner (homemade meatballs and pasta with a tomato sauce), breastfed ds (I don't need to be told to stop - the reason I still do it is because ds is allergic to dairy so it's one of his only sources of calcium - he refuses a lot of food, especially green leafy veg, etc), played with him and we've now eaten tea. (Very pleased that ds ate some of it. I hid veg in the meatballs )

I asked if dh would start bedtime so I could have half an hour to myself. But no. Dh is in my room, stealing my peace and quiet and ds is running amok in his room and its going to be another night of me settling him for fucking hours while dh does nothing. I'll probably get out of ds's room at 9.30 to a sink full of washing up that we'll 'do together'.

I am so tired. Ds was in my bed from around 1.30 last night and I couldn't get back to sleep so lay awake for hours. I had a drs appointment this afternoon so went to work early to make up the time... I am so fucking tired. All I asked for was half a fucking hour.

AIBU?

Also drop daytime naps.

Your best bet is going out for a meal and cinema with friend and leaving your DH to find his own solutions. In fact even pop round to a relatives or friends after tea alternate nights. Or go sit in a pub with a book alternate nights

Weekend tmrw ? Both off work ?your soo Ill u can’t get out of bed - be prepared, charge up phone and hide snacks - feed baby then straight back to him to look after. Milk out 2 days .

He's 3. He doesn't need bf-ing! You need to encourage healthy eating.

Just read story, say goodnight and leave. Ignore the screaming and noise. Just put him to bed and leave. He will get bored after a few nights. Stop molly-coddling.

The breastfeeding... obviously the allergy thing is a problem but you need to start encouraging a healthy diet and start weaning.

So realistically, at the point when your DH gets home, neither of you has had any time to unwind. So at that point you need to divide tasks, eg one puts DS to bed while the other makes dinner. Equally time to relax once DS is in bed. But you absolutely need to get the bedtime routine down (and I say this with a 2 year old who still isn't a great sleeper).

I agree with this. There are two issues really - one, bedtime routine needs work; two, DH needs to step up. Is DS feeding to sleep or just messing around endlessly?

Your DH needs to do more. If he can’t he needs to pay for the equivalent in housekeeping that he can’t do — so 3 days cleaning / laundry service / nanny etc. You need to be firm about this.

OP, decide what the bedtime routine will be, and tell your DS. “Now that you’ve had a bath and got your PJs on, you can have your milk, then we will read a story and sing a song together. Then it’s time to sleep.” Or whatever.

I found that mine responded better when told in advance exactly what was going to happen. When the routine is over, just just give him a kiss, tell him you love him and that he needs to go to sleep now. Then leave the room and don’t look back. If he follows you, don’t speak to him, just firmly lead him back to bed, as many times as it takes. It may take a few nights, but he will eventually accept that bedtime is bedtime if you are consistent.

Please understand that I’m giving this advice as a mum who has made all of the bedtime mistakes myself! I know it’s bloody hard. If your DH can’t even get on with the kitchen clean-up while you sort DS out, then one thing I’d advise is not to have any more children with him until he sorts himself out. You will just become too exhausted and resentful.

Living I feel pretty exhausted and resentful at the moment tbh. Thank you for your advice, it sounds good. I'll try it tomorrow.

You are not a rubbish mummy and I don't think you should see it as your husband 'failing' at bedtime.

You are crazy tired and cant see clearly which I totally get.

First things first you need to sort bedtime and it needs to be shared responsibility between you and husband. Why are you 'taking over' when he 'fails' - that just gives them both the message that you are the only one that can do it. Stay out of it and let them figure it out when it's his turn.

We have a 2.5yr old & a 10 mth old bedtime routine is bath, pjs, 7pm baby to bed with milk and white noise while toddler goes back downstairs for two tv shows and a cup of milk. After one show we warn there is only one more then bedtime. 7:30 up to bed. We have a sheep alarm clock thing that closes its eyes at 7:30 and turns red. Toddler knows not to leave room till 7am when it opens it's eyes and turns green. It's not foolproof but I think it's helped. We tell two short stories that we make up dependent on the day we've had. no more. Kiss, say you love them and that you will check on them later, out the door.

Our toddler sometimes screams, shouts and demands but it's tough luck. It's bedtime.

We don't go back in unless she needs the potty emptying or is genuinely upset.

It's hard work and of course we have nights it all goes to pot but just try to keep your resolve to not go back in as best you can. Children are exhausting so I totally feel your pain I'm on mat leave still so can't imagine how tired out I will be with work too.