To be annoyed that I don't even get half an hour to myself?

[DramaticGoose]

My ds is 3 and in full time nursery. Both dh and I work. We both do the same number of hours but my work is 5 mins from home, dh gets the train. I do pick ups and drop offs to nursery, unless dh has a day off.

This evening, I picked up ds, cooked dinner (homemade meatballs and pasta with a tomato sauce), breastfed ds (I don't need to be told to stop - the reason I still do it is because ds is allergic to dairy so it's one of his only sources of calcium - he refuses a lot of food, especially green leafy veg, etc), played with him and we've now eaten tea. (Very pleased that ds ate some of it. I hid veg in the meatballs )

I asked if dh would start bedtime so I could have half an hour to myself. But no. Dh is in my room, stealing my peace and quiet and ds is running amok in his room and its going to be another night of me settling him for fucking hours while dh does nothing. I'll probably get out of ds's room at 9.30 to a sink full of washing up that we'll 'do together'.

I am so tired. Ds was in my bed from around 1.30 last night and I couldn't get back to sleep so lay awake for hours. I had a drs appointment this afternoon so went to work early to make up the time... I am so fucking tired. All I asked for was half a fucking hour.

AIBU?

Commuting is definitely not "me time".

So realistically, at the point when your DH gets home, neither of you has had any time to unwind. So at that point you need to divide tasks, eg one puts DS to bed while the other makes dinner. Equally time to relax once DS is in bed. But you absolutely need to get the bedtime routine down (and I say this with a 2 year old who still isn't a great sleeper). What happens if you leave him awake?

Bedtime in our house is also shitty. My DS was up at 6.30 this morning and I took him up to bed at 7.45pm and he's only just dozed off.
He won't let my DH put him to bed it has to be me so DH gets a lovely hot bath every night while I do bedtime for up to an hour and a half

OP i’m certainly not suggesting that you stop breastfeeding - but cow’s milk is neither the only nor the best source of calcium. Have you tried him on fortified dairy alternatives?

I feel you OP.

I don't work though. And DS is only 18 months. But lately the past couple of months is the first time I have been given a lie in.

DH is wonderful though. He cooked and cleaned when DS was newborn and constantly attached to my boob.

He said I could lie in but he'd be so grumpy from tiredness that the first year, I'd rather have taken him than be made to feel shit/guilty.

I used to find it hard that I barely got any time to myself. DS was so clingy and full on. He didn't nap properly until about 6 months, just in 10 min snaps. 30 mins if I was lucky. Would only fall asleep on me or on the boob. It was very taxing and emotionally draining.

The difference here is you are both working so you should be sharing an equal load. It does not sound equal and it sounds utterly exhausting.

But nothing will change until you discuss it. You need some help here and your OH should be stepping up to the plate. A relationship is about supporting each other.

I disagree with pp, me and dh both appreciated the joy of time to yourself commuting when dc were small.

You definitely need to lock yourself in the bathroom with cushions and wine and snacks for a hot bath. Can you agree some free time each this weekend. And then agree to work together on cracking the bedtime routine (its easy to see this when you are not in it).

LTB

Try not to stress too much about 3 year old getting the right amount of sleep - mine never did. She took hours to settle - I used to just give up on the ‘you should be able to settle yourself to sleep on your own’ idea and get in with her and have a nap. She was fine to be left when she was asleep or almost asleep - she’s a teen who goes to sleep fine now and I miss that cosy evening nap!

If you’re doing bedtime DH can be washing the dishes, that’s what we do.
Could you try putting DS to bed a bit later (ie further into the mucking about time) so he’s more tired, then you can move it gradually earlier?

Teaching a child to go to sleep by themselves is a valuable life skill

Lol at the passive fun commute...

I think you need to be really tough, if your DH says that he wants more time in the evenings with DS then he can be the one to deal with your DS, give him the breast feed at 6.30 and then leave your DH to do bath, reading, bed etc but you heave to ‘mean business’; leave the house, go for a walk, late night shopping, a drive, whatever.

Our 3 year old was always in bed by 7pm, yes it meant that DH didn’t see much of him in the evening but he knew that a 3 year old needed a good night’s sleep and they had lots of time to be together at the weekend.

Will he not feed to sleep? If you’re breastfeeding, often one of the benefits for you is a quick and easy way to get them to sleep! Then you could have an evening to yourself. I know it doesn’t help with DH putting him to bed but he could do all the bath/teeth/pyjamas/stories,etc then you feed to sleep. Or DH does the washing up/tyding downstairs while you put to sleep then you can have some time in the evening.

My train commute is very relaxing, I can read or be on my phone for an hour uninterrupted. I would never get that at home.

Op...what would happen at bedtime if you read him a story, kissed him goodnight and walked out of the room? Why is it taking so long?

I disagree with people who say a commute isn't 'me time'. It isn't the same as having a long bath or whatever, but I feel exactly the same as you - it's time where you are on your own and that is really rare for me (and you by the sounds of it). Even though it's not perfect, I'd give a lot for that amount of time where no one is climbing all over me, demanding I watch them jump, attempting to lick me etc etc.

Your dh sounds like a knob btw. Get him told.

DS needed 10 hours sleep a night at that age.
I agree that you need to disappear whilst your DH does bedtime. At least until he gets into the habit of doing it properly. Why should he do it all himself if you're around

In your situation, with you both working full time, I don't think a 3 hour bedtime routine is Sustainable.
So, I'd get tough.
I'd go out a few evenings a week, wherever, and leave dh completely to it.
If it was my turn - bath, milk, stories, song, cuddle (or whatever your routine is); and that's it. Non negotiable.
Otherwise, you and your dh will end up at each other's throats which is worse than imposing a few unpalatable rules on a 3 year old.

You settling ds and then having him back in your bed at 1.30 is ridiculous.
A good bedtime routine is s quick bath and breastfeed and then they are practically asleep anyway, you lay them down and leave the room. If you are doing it till 9.30, then that's not right.

If you haven't got 1/2 an hour to yourself then only you can change that. Don't blame others. Make it happen.

DS needs to step up.

You both need to sort out a quick bedtime routine, led by DH. Night night and that's it until morning.

You need to find alternative sources of calcium than breast milk or dairy; there's plenty of them.

Put yourself first for a change.

I think you need to get a bit of a backbone here. I love DH to bits and he's a very good dad and does his fair share of parenting, but I wouldn't (and don't) hesitate for a minute to 'tell him' if I want him to do something. Does that make me a controlling witch? Maybe, but I don't need to do it often. TELL him that you are having a bath and he is doing dinner and bed.

Commuting isn’t fun but not doing nursery pick up is a treat! I do most of our pick ups and it’s bloody stressful getting out of work in time and praying transport doesn’t fail then wrangling a knackered child home. I’d give anything to be the one who waltzes in half an hour later.

Anyway - solutions - dh and I take strict turns alternate nights. Bedtime is 7-8 in total. Whoever’s turn it is does it all, no giving up/swapping. This is for consistency and boundaries for ds.

Anyway - solutions - dh and I take strict turns alternate nights. Bedtime is 7-8 in total. Whoever’s turn it is does it all, no giving up/swapping. This is for consistency and boundaries for ds

Yep! I think it can often evolve to the ops situation, especially when maternity leave and bfing set the precedent but that’s not necessary now. Also, when one does bed, the other tidies downstairs and does the kitchen.

I wouldn’t tolerate DHs behaviour. Have you challenged him?

Personally I find the short journey home from work quite relaxing and I do count it as “me time”. Dh does drop off and pick up (I work longer hours) and it sounds sooo stressful