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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think it’s not ok for Husband to PM another woman who I’ve never meet?

86 replies

Tab1888 · 30/11/2018 18:02

Please excuse my inappropriate use of abbreviations it’s my first time posting. My husband has been messaging another woman through Facebook and invited her to join him for the weekend with my best friend and partner as I wasn’t able to attend because we have no one to look after our son. Is he of sound mind? Angry

OP posts:
Canaryyellow1 · 30/11/2018 21:17

@empswala it’s you isn’t it! Meeting your guy you messaged at a festival?!

Original poster
Tab1888 · 30/11/2018 21:20

My best friend didn’t know he had asked the other woman and she pointed out that he wouldn’t have asked her anyway because he knows she wouldn’t have agreed.
It wasn’t just that he was messaging her, he had never mentioned her and all the messages were very late at night or in the early hours of the morning and that right there is suspicious behaviour I believe.
I don’t know any of my friends or people I know who would think it’s ok to have secret friends or friends their husbands or wife’s don’t know. I must know a lot of controlling folk 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Tab1888 · 30/11/2018 21:20

I was just about to ask the same thing. Is it you! Hello K.........

OP posts:
Mumshappy · 30/11/2018 21:23

There shouldnt be secret 'friends' thats the problem here

MadeForThis · 30/11/2018 21:26

Messaging another woman I wouldn't have a problem with.

I would have a massive issue if the messages were only being exchanged after I went to bed.

Why did he get back in touch with her? Any hint of flirting would be unforgivable.

Petalflowers · 30/11/2018 21:33

They wouldn’t be a problem inviting a female friend you all knew about, and after discussion. There’s not even a problem with staying in contact with someone you met a festival, and talking about common interests.

However, the female friend is a virtual stranger. Plus the best friend doesn’t know her. Plus dh is texting her during the small wee hours. If someone is going to the festival alone, you may suggest meeting for w coffee, but not for them to stay overnight.

GloryforGloves · 30/11/2018 21:36

@empswala So you’d really be cool with your partner messaging another woman late at night and inviting her to a weekend event inc. sharing accommodation who you’ve never met and he barely knows (and let’s not forget the reason OP isn’t going is because she has to stay behind with their DC). Hmm

But hey, at least you get to be a breezy cool wife

empmalswa · 30/11/2018 21:38

glory. That's not what I said.

What I said was being married doesn't mean you have to know all of each other's friends.

OP said she would be fine with it if she knew the friend. I suggested her husband is an adult and doesn't need to have his friends vetted.

I said absolutely nothing about the accommodation.

empmalswa · 30/11/2018 21:41

And I'm not a 'breezy cool wife', I just trust my husband to make his own decisions regarding which of his friends he spends time with.

The thing about staying behind to look after the DC, that would be the bit that pissed me off.

Canaryyellow1 · 30/11/2018 22:25

@empsmal I think there’s a line, and often we know when someone’s crossed it. I’ve been cheated on and I felt like a jealous idiot for months. In fact my ex will still say that I didn’t allow him friends!

He had a few female companions that he’d meet up with, and he didn’t cheat on me with them, but I always felt awkward about them. It’s because I was right, he based those female friendships on flirting and eithe putting me down or pretending I wasn’t really that important. I had a previous boyfriend who used to have lots of female friends but I never felt jealous.

This behaviour op, whether you know her or not, whether it’s late night texts or not, is very disrespectful. He gets to go off to a music festival to work only because you are minding his child, that he also thinks he can have fun in a woman’s company in that way is a betrayal of your relationship.

Petalflowers · 30/11/2018 22:38

So Emp, you’d be quite happy for your dh to have a night-time Facebook relationship with someone you have never met, and then invite her to a festival (without discussing it with you first?), and then, when questioned about it, justifies it by saying they were following your kindness approach.

It all seems to have done behind op’s back.

empmalswa · 30/11/2018 22:54

peta

None of that is what i said. Literally none of it.

What I said, and have clarified more than once, is that being married doesn't mean you have to know all of each other's friends.

OP said she would be fine with it if she knew the friend. I suggested her husband is an adult and doesn't need to have his friends vetted.

I said absolutely nothing about 'night time Facebook relationships'

Petalflowers · 30/11/2018 23:02

I don’t know everyone my dh knows. That’s not a problem.

However, inviting and planning to stay a weekend away at a festival I think is crossing the boundary.

Lovingbenidorm · 01/12/2018 00:00

Op you know this is inappropriate. Why are you asking us?

Milliy · 01/12/2018 01:18

The fact that you said the messages contained flirting is all kinds of wrong.

Johnnyfinland · 01/12/2018 01:42

Ok, so all we know is:

OP, husband, best friend and BF partner planned to go to festival
OP can’t go
Husband met a woman at the same event last year (who presumably he stayed in touch with?) and asked if she’d like to come instead

I’m not seeing the issue. Unless he’s been secretly communicating with this woman and going out of his way to keep it secret, which would suggest there’s something dodgy afoot, I don’t see the problem with him a) meeting a new friend at a festival b) staying in touch and c) thinking that as they were there last year and got on, she might want to join them this year. I have shared accommodation with married male friends at festivals (I hadn’t met his wife at this point either!) and did nothing more sinister than sleep

MrMeSeeks · 01/12/2018 02:28

I wouldn't like it if i couldn't go somewhere and my dh invited another person to share his accommodation, but i don't seethe problem with him having friends op doesn't know about.
I don't know all of my dh friends, infact there’s quite a few i don’t know.
Doesn’t bother me in the slightest. They speak at all hours, same as i will text my friends at any time too.

Faith7777 · 01/12/2018 02:39

YANBU

Tell your DH it's more important to be respected than liked. So. If he values your respect, he best dispose of his new play thing. And see her as that please and nothing more. Your task is to get him too see her as that without kicking a fuss.

She's (maybe unwittingly) made herself available for this type of tomfoolery - she's just as culpable. However, ultimately he's the one responsible. Hope he sees sense soon!!

The4thSandersonSister · 01/12/2018 02:51

She's your replacement OP, and he's smoothing her way into his social life. Sorry, but his apparent Social conscience makes no sense otherwise. He's normalising her presence in his life so that when they are "innocently" seen in each other's company it will seem just like he's being "kind".

Monty27 · 01/12/2018 03:42

How close are you to your best friend?
If I were her I'd be going ballistic at your DH Shock

Motoko · 01/12/2018 03:55

I’m not seeing the issue. Unless he’s been secretly communicating with this woman

OP said he'd been messaging her while OP was asleep in bed. It is suspicious.

OP, what is the accommodation?

Motoko · 01/12/2018 03:56

Oh yeah, and the messages were flirty too.

Alfie190 · 01/12/2018 04:04

My husband doesn't have female friends but he has female acquaintances (past work colleagues) that he meets for lunch or coffee very occasionally. There is no way on earth that he would plan a weekend with shared accommodation with a female and our marriage be intact after it.

Trying to be kind! What rubbish...

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/12/2018 04:12

Were this above board he’d have discussed the situation with you, she’d have found her own accommodation and perhaps met up for some of the time at the festival. As is, he’s sending flirty clandestine messages in the dead of night.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 01/12/2018 04:18

So your dh has admitted that he intended to share accommodation with his df, as he knew that your bf would never agree to sharing accommodation with this other women? Or have Inread that wrong?

If I am right, he is more than bloody stupid, he is arranging a hook up! Does he seriously expect you to be ok with being ‘replaced’ by ow when you are meant to be there with your bf and her dh? Why does he get to go anyway? You were meant to be going with your bf so shouldn’t HE be the one staying at home to look after your ds?