Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it’s not ok for Husband to PM another woman who I’ve never meet?

86 replies

Tab1888 · 30/11/2018 18:02

Please excuse my inappropriate use of abbreviations it’s my first time posting. My husband has been messaging another woman through Facebook and invited her to join him for the weekend with my best friend and partner as I wasn’t able to attend because we have no one to look after our son. Is he of sound mind? Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Tab1888 · 30/11/2018 20:14

I’m not winding any one up I’m asking for advice. I don’t think it’s acceptable and I wanted some reassurance not criticism.

OP posts:
magoria · 30/11/2018 20:21

Did he offer her the accommodation in the chats or tell you he had?

Because I think he planned on sharing a room with her and has just said this to cover his arse knowing full well your friend would want to share with her boyfriend not some random woman.

Mumshappy · 30/11/2018 20:34

The whole thing is just dodgy. Id be straight on the phone to my friend finding out if she knows about this set up

LittleScottieDog · 30/11/2018 20:35

It's not criticism, it's just an odd thing to say. It may have some bearing on why your DH has asked another woman to the festival, if he feels you're being patronising. I'm not saying you are (before you tell me it's not acceptable), but if he said he's trying to be nice like you're teaching him, then it could be a reason. I was trying to understand more about what you and he have said.

starzig · 30/11/2018 20:38

So you can't go and he is taking a friend instead. Don't see the issue. Can I ask if you would have an issue if he took a male friend?

lily2403 · 30/11/2018 20:40

**Not sure if he’s of sound mind but if it was my DH he certainly wouldn’t be of sound tackle by the time I’d finished with him

^
This right here

Mumshappy · 30/11/2018 20:42

I think he might have an issue if she suggested the same for her and a male she met at a festival once and now messages on the internet at night starzig.

OohBabyBabeh · 30/11/2018 20:43

What the actual fuck. That isn't normal

empmalswa · 30/11/2018 20:43

I don't t see what's wrong with him inviting a friend. The idea that your husband is not allowed to message someone because you have not met them is absurd. Control freak.

MulticolourMophead · 30/11/2018 20:43

starzig Would you be happy for your OH to share accommodation with the female friend? Because it sounds like accommodation is already booked, the OH offered the "friend" to share with the OP's friend, knowing full well OP's friend would be sharing with her partner. Implication being that OP's OH would share with the "friend" he's offered the ticket too........

empmalswa · 30/11/2018 20:44

mums

I message a guy I met at an event last year all the time. He is a friend. So what?

Mumshappy · 30/11/2018 20:46

Are you going away with him though without your partner empma

Original poster
Tab1888 · 30/11/2018 20:46

I wouldn't have a issue at all with male or female friend as long as I know them. As for me patronising my husband I'm not sure where you get that from what I've said. I think it was patronising him telling me he was just be kind like I try to teach him and my son. Yes I teach my son to be kind but I certainly shouldn't need to teach an adult. Those were my husbands words not mine.

OP posts:
empmalswa · 30/11/2018 20:47

Are you going away with him though without your partner empma

No. Bit not for any reason than we have no plans. But my comment was a direct response to yours about talking on the internet. Not about going away.

empmalswa · 30/11/2018 20:48

I wouldn't have a issue at all with male or female friend as long as I know them

Yeah that's just fucking weird.

You have to 'vet' all of your husbands friends Hmm

starzig · 30/11/2018 20:52

It seriously wouldn't bother me multicoloured.

Mumshappy · 30/11/2018 20:55

My comment wasnt just about talking on the internet it was about the OP going away with a male who she also met in those circumstances who she spoke to on the internet

Original poster
Tab1888 · 30/11/2018 20:58

Knowing them or knowing of them is not the same as vetting or being a control freak. If you have a relationship with someone and/or married why would you not know who their friends are?

OP posts:
LittleScottieDog · 30/11/2018 21:01

Your DH may feel patronised because he said that about you teaching him to be nice. That's where I got it from. You know, he invites her then says "I had to invite her because you're always teaching me to be nice. Well, I'm being nice". That's what I was getting at.

empmalswa · 30/11/2018 21:05

Knowing them or knowing of them is not the same as vetting or being a control freak.

No it's not. But you said you would have no issue as long as you know them. That's control freak territory. Your husband is an adult, you don't have to know all of his friends.

If you have a relationship with someone and/or married why would you not know who their friends are?

Well I know some of my husbands friends, and I know of some others, but I absolutely don't know or know of every single friend he has. That would be really weird 'give me a list of your friends please'

reallyanotherone · 30/11/2018 21:10

Has he met her then?

Is it something like a messaging about a shared love of festivals, he finds out she’s going on her own and asks her to join his group?

I could see my dh doing something like that. He’s probably check with me first though but presumably if your best mate and partner are going to be there too there won’t be any swinging naked from the rafters as you would find out?

Lovingbenidorm · 30/11/2018 21:10

Oh really. It’s not a matter of knowing all your partners friends it’s about communication and trust

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 30/11/2018 21:14

WTF? My husband can message women in the same way as he can message men on facebook but if he doesn't even know this woman well enough to introduce her to his wife why on earth is she coming on an intimate weekend away with him? What was he thinking?

Canaryyellow1 · 30/11/2018 21:15

No he’s being cheeky and unkind. I’d be furious.

ETanny · 30/11/2018 21:16

What does your gut say? If you feel it is with bad intentions he is messaging her, it probably is.