To ask Male posters about their mums?

[ILoveHumanity]

I just want to know, if you love your mother but she mistreats your wife.. would you expect your wife to forge a relationship with your mum for your sake? How do you see it as fair ?

Genuine question as I want to know how to strike a balance

I'm not the right man to ask, but will answer for balance.

My mum thinks the sun shines our of my wife's arse. To be fair, she is awesome, and I wouldn't be what and where I am today without her.

Even so though, I'm pretty convinced that my Mum prefers her to me!!!

On the other hand, I have a weird relationship with my mother-in-law. She's not my biggest fan, and we disagree wildly on many things. But we rub along where needed - and actually can share a bottle of wine quite well.

Sometimes, people just don't click, and I wouldn't advocate anyone trying to force a relationship out of some misguided sense of what's right or wrong.

I'm not a male poster but I have an adult son. If I treated his wife badly (I wouldn't) he would not hesitate in telling me straight that this is his wife and I should treat her decently. I would always make the effort with my DC's partners. My DD's partner is not someone I might have chosen but he treats her well and they are happy so that's good enough for me. I don't need to be best friends with their partners but I need to respect who they have chosen to spend their life with and treat them accordingly.

have been through this (though problems are from both, not just my mum) - wife and mum do not really get on (though dislike is much more on wife's side).

it's now at a stage where my mum is pretty civil, but my wife is not.
they can be in the same room, but can't have proper conversations.

it's horrible being in the middle.

MIL has been horrendous to me on many occasions, but because she's so important to my wife, i always make the effort to reconcile.

just wish my wife recognised this, and did the same, but it's not going to happen.

Thanks to you both !

I do all the pleasantries but I’m treated with hostility because I’m “not doing enough as a dil”.

If I run down the list of what I did for them you might b horrified. So I decided to step back a little and my husband is receiving abuse over it.

Just wanted to know where to draw the line while keeping the peace

discontinued model husband who initiate the “acting on their dislike” towards the other?

Do u draw the line with ur mum when it comes to her telling u things about ur wife and giving you “relationship advice”?

Not projecting, just trying to see if you are in similar situation as my husband. As for me that’s how it all started.

Being civil to her face might not be enough if she is stirring trouble behind their back. Is she that type ? Could you do things to clarify the boundaries ?

With your mil it’s slightly different. A mil that doesn’t like her sil wouldn’t expect a lot of obligation from him despite the resentment, as far as our society has programmed things if you see what I mean.

Sorry I don’t mean to question u!!! Im just trying to work out how my husband and where I’m going wrong with how I’m analysing the situation

don't think my mum "expects" anything of my wife individually?

there's an expectation that we make time to see them regularly (ie, once or twice a month), and that we let them know of performances/football matches/concerts etc, as they love to see their GCs doing the things they love.

they also like us (me, really) to keep in contact with my GPs (which is entirely reasonable).

aside from this, they have worked out they just need to fit in with us!

and even these expectations are on us as a pair, not me or my wife individually.

it's pretty much the same the other way round (ie, with my PILs). don't think there's any expectations on individuals - they're on us as a pair.

Thanks for bearing with me :).

It sounds sweet that they expect thing from you as a unit/pair.

But do they treat you as a unit in things other than expectations ?

Such as, so they recognise they can’t talk to u about ur wife in her absence ? They can’t expect to make decisions with you about ur relationship and interfere while your wife isn’t aware/happy?

Do they make sure you are both happy as a pair before they intervene in your relationship with any advice/input?

I think my DH is in the middle and he secretly feels I’m being unreasonable.

But I did everything under the son to keep peace for him for few years and just burnt out

I secretly feel bad that I can’t do anything to make it better for him..

But also don’t want to put effort anymore because I believe he could’ve bothered himself to make things a bit easier for me when I was struggling around his family IYSWIM.

my mum doesn't dislike my wife really.

she just doesn't like how imbalanced our relationships are between us and my parents, and us and my PILs (who are heavily involved in our lives daily).

wife was an unexpected (though wished for) PLB, so has been indulged most of her life (including by me). my mum doesn't indulge her, and has called her out on things which no-one else would.

plus my parents are very independent, have an active social life, and are often away. my wife doesn't like this, as my PILs basically live for their children/grandchildren, and do nothing unless they're doing things with us.

through conversations with my mum, we've kind of reached our current stasis - she doesn't rock the boat, as she realises i always have to deal with the fallout of any disagreements.

i don't think she's happy with it necessarily, but realistically the situation isn't going to change anytime soon.

my wife does act on her dislike. she never asks my parents to babysit. our DCs have never stayed at my parents house (we live in the same town, and eldest is now in yr 11). any and all invitations are refused. she will deliberately not mention GC events, unless my mum asks (or i do).

Husband do you mind if I dwell on things further with you ? As it does sound a bit similar?

I might sound a bit like I’m pushing blame onto you but it’s really not that way, I do love my husband and these are things I would say to him if it wasn’t sooo bloody tense atm.

my parents have never interfered in our relationship.

they might ask if i'm ok, if i seem unhappy, but would never offer opinions without me instigating the conversation (which has happened in the past).

we've had many conversations about how they wish things were, and whether anything can be done to resolve it, but recognise it requires my wife's input/agreement. they never try to browbeat me into anything.

MIL has regularly stuck her oar in - asked for or not - it's just the way she is.

but i know she cares about my happiness as well as my wife's, and (as unwelcome as it has been) it's coming from a good place, and her aim is that we are both happy.

but our relationship has taken a lot of tongue-biting from me, to be maintained. but i do this because i don't want my wife to be in the middle like i am with her/my mum.

sure - dig away.

How would you feel Husband if your wife instigated conversations with her dad about how she is unhappy with how you do things as a husband/Dad.. and her dad told her how he wishes things were different ?

Wouldn’t that make u rather insecure?

From the things you mentioned that your wife “acts on her dislike”, I didn’t feel it’s her responsibility to keep the balance between both grandparents. and to ensure your kids go see their grandma ? And to keep grandma informed about events with DC. Isn’t it your job to do that?

Do you do that with her mum? Call her up and keep her informed ?

Or is it an idea of roles where you feel she does this while you do other things ( in which case this needs to be communicated fairly).

I’m only asking because it seems I’m guilty as the same things as ur wife is. Or sort of.

If I’m honest if my husband was doing the same thing I would feel he is “enabling” my mil to be very judgemental of me, and enforcing unfair obligations upon me.. and so I would feel my husband should be stuck in the middle until he learnt how to get himself out :S.

Because to me you and your mother speaking about how you wish things are , means you are unhappy in your marriage..

Can’t u call ur mum and discuss other things ? Like your DC progress ? The events that she doesn’t want to miss ? The good things happening at work ?

Do you go home discuss your mother with your wife and how you also wish things were different with her ?

You might be bonding with your mother at your wife’s expense without realising

If you are unhappy with your marriage it still doesn’t justify breaching your relationship privacy Imo.

You would need to resolve that through other means.

Perhaps don’t tell ur mum what you are up to with your PIL. Ideally both grandparents should feel at peace around GC... but that’s also their responsibility.. and your responsibility as a son.. because to your kids their mothers happiness and The stability of the marriage that brought them to existence is priority .. and anything straining that should become a threat to the happiness of your kids too ..

Am I being unfair ??

Don’t u think the way you are depending on your mum emotionally might be enabling her to harm your relationship with your wife ??? And d she doesn’t trust you to keep the peace behind her back why would she indulge in a relationship with your mother any further ?

It’s not rude that she wants her distance Imo

my wife and i do talk about our relationship with my parents, but my wife is very determined that she doesn't want any more than we have now.

i could do as you suggest, and decide to take the children round to my parents, and leave them for the night, but how do you think that might play out with my wife?

yes - i absolutely talk to my mum about other things (the last time we talked about our situation was probably about a year ago, and prior to that, probably at least 6 months. it's not a regular conversation).

i don't even think my wife would claim that anyone is placing unfair obligations on her!

my conversations with my mum were never of the "mum, why does DW do this? why can't DW be like this?" sort. i've never used my mum to just have a bitch about my wife. that would be totally inappropriate.

and any problems my wife and i have had, we have always talked through with each other first, to try and resolve.

but if i've been unhappy, and my mum notices (as mums do), i'm not going to lie to her, or keep her completely in the dark. i don't think it's healthy to do that anyway!

i'm 100% certain my wife has done the same with her parents about me on occasion!

i think everybody should be able to talk about their relationships with key friends/family - provided they are balanced and objective, and aren't pushing their own agendas - which sounds like it is happening with you.

Sorry to ramble but way I’m seeing it is , you have deemed yourself not a unit when it comes to your mother... don’t you think ?

So why do you expect your wife to share responsibility with you as a unit/pair/team towards your parents ?

If you were a unit, you wouldn’t speaking to your mother about your wife as a third party.. you would address that with your wife

I know I’m being v v one sided here.. you probably have other things going on so I can’t judge the dynamics myself. I think I’m just desperately wanting to be heard to see where on Earth I’m goig wrong with my thinkng.. and figure out why I’m not getting through to DH with my thinkng.

Ah just read your update. Ignore my last post

i think our problems are slightly different.

from what you describe, it sounds like your husband's first port of call when he doesn't agree with you is his mum. this is not respectful to you at all. and i totally understand your feelings on this.

he's not really acknowledging your feelings - he's just looking for validation for his own feelings.

then it sounds like his mum is just compounding this, rather than pointing out that you have feelings too, that should also be acknowledged.

i think you need to try and address these 2 things separately.

:(

He doesn’t really bitch about me, but has allowed her to do so a year ago after which I had a breakdown and still can’t trust him.

She had convinced him she loves me and has my interest at heart - hence why he “listened to her vent”.

Which really resulted in her poisoning our marriage...

Doesn’t help that my DH really respects her opinions on relationships

does he recognise how harmful that was?

can he not see that it would be much more constructive for his mother to discuss her concerns with you directly?

is he gossipy/tolerant of gossips generally?

An interesting read. I may be wrong but the general trend on MN is that the wife determines the dynamics of the family and the husband/partner has to fit in.

She has a different relationship with her in-laws than he has with his in-laws, her family, especially her mother, is seen as being more important, his family get what they're given and have to be grateful to her for her magnanimity. I always recall my brother's family never invited my mother to any of the children's school events, her parents always went if there were extra tickets.

I adore my mum. Haven’t encountered problems, like you’re describing seeing that she’s an easy-going person. If she would create a problem, I would tell her, although I think adult people should be able to construe a civilized solution that works for both. Even if it’s just superficial pleasantries. Equally, I would not be amused if my partner insulted my mum. There always seems to be a sort of double standard in this regard. Women get loads of help from their parents, it’s all okay and normal, a man sometimes talks to his mother (you know the woman that gave birth to him and raised him) and for some it ends up being a problem.

Never talk to my mum about my girlfriends though; neither does she give me relationship advice. Everything I do is good for her. She did once ask me if I was happy; in retrospect I was not, but I told her to cut that out, and she did. I didn’t know dils have to perform certain tasks; certainly not required here.