To ask Male posters about their mums?

[ILoveHumanity]

I just want to know, if you love your mother but she mistreats your wife.. would you expect your wife to forge a relationship with your mum for your sake? How do you see it as fair ?

Genuine question as I want to know how to strike a balance

Evilspiritgin I think it is unfair that form this thread you could only spot the guy that sees his family 3 times a year ( very little in my opinion unless they live v far), and using that to invalidate the fact that It is also the case that a lot of dil lives are on the verge of being destroyed because of mils behaviour

WasTime

I also like the idea of how you put it as “vulnerable• vs fully capable. It makes full sense.

I would personally admire my husband if he puts in the extra effort with his mum because she is more vulnerable.. if she was . Perhaps she is but I don’t see it.

However my objection is seriously on the behaviour of disrespect and mistreatment. If u expect her to support you, shouldn’t you make the environment less toxic for that to happen ?

no I didn’t use that guy to invalidate some mils are evil to dil at all, I was answering somebody else who as a mum of son worries about being a mil

Other people were writing about your case my opinion is more than a mil problem you have a husband problem you need to get rid of both

Is my DH being scapegoated here ? He hasn’t mistreated me.. it’s his mother

He didn’t scapegoat me
Or expect me to accept abuse
Or expect me to serve or help out or whatever you call it

However he loves his mother. She is traditional and from another culture to me. A bit matriarchal. I have a feeling it’s not personal but she expects subservience due to her dreams about her being the “leader of the female tribe” and doesn’t like how I don’t exactly sing to her tune.. even though I’m very respectful and did a lot for her.

My husband doesn’t dictate my relationship with his mother as such, he just like any other man wants us to get on.. she is often disrespectful behind his back or in a manipulative cunning way.. not direct enough for him to be able to deal with it- or me..

While I feel it’s only natural for him to want me to get on with her... I just wonder how much I can excuse myself due to her ill bevajiur and expect him to back down for my sanity.

DiscontinuedModelHusband

Have to say you've pandered to your wife and allowed your parents yo be pushed out.

The children are equally yours and should be able to sleep over at their GP home.

It's usually wives like yours who complain MIL likes her DDs DC more...yet forgetting their probably closer, because she's prevented a close/r relationship developing.

You've just taken the approach of happy wife, happy life IMO and are too scared to rock the boat.

OP - I may have missed it...but are you from a non western culture? The living with the in-laws had me wondering.

If so...then it's a bit of a different situation.

I know that my BILS (sister's husbands) would absolutely put their mothers in place if they were out of line with my sisters.

OTOH...I know my H would not. He doesn't do confrontation...but as I'm assertive enough... I'd tackle it head on... and I've had to (not with MIL) ...but another of his relatives.

Sandy hmm you are making me think about cultural significance.

Both me and my DH are mixed culturally and racially. We have been mixed for 4 generations up. I’m a lot more mixed than DH and somehow that resulted in not much strong heritage beyond the morals and values of the areas where I was raised/lived.

I assumed it’s the same for DH, that the values are from where he was raised and lived. His mother comes from a specific culture which I have no expose to, however she denies it and conforms to the culture which I was raised in... quite lax .

My parents don’t have issues with dil , their expectations are respect, and to stay in touch, and to not intervene between them and their son.

They also had good relations with both pil.

I think my mil picks and chooses what she takes from which culture. I believe she has a appreciation for the matriarchal traditions from some of her heritage .

She has never really lived that matriarchal lifestyle with her own mil, who doesn’t come from that culture (DH Dad comes from the same background as my dominant race/culture and where I was raised).

It’s quite confusing for me that she has a matriarchal understanding of things where she almost “expects” that this is the new tradition she wants to adhere to... but I guess how things influence us is a complex matter.

However what I don’t understand is she perfectly knows what culture I come from, and knows very much that we don’t have those sorts of obligations and expectations..

Sorry I’m rambling.. to be honest I tried to conform to her understanding of matriarchy in the first 3 years of our relationship... until I noticed that she is picking and choosing from tradition/culture exactly what suits her at specific times... because it has no significance in her life otherwise.

It’s a completely alien thing to me. Which is why I’m struggling..

I don’t mind meeting her half way and compromising.. But her attitude with me (which doesn’t befit her newly found traditions), is making it extremely difficult for me to empathise and I’m starting to want space away from her.

So yes perhaps there is a v weird cultural element to this. But not in a straightforward way.

And I don’t think there is any culture that allows a human being to be v rude to another.. I can hand on heart say that I understand which culture she is choosing To appreciate at what time, and have been playing along to give her due respect accordingly. What I might’ve not given was the servitude she desired to the extent that she desires.

Sorry I know this is v confusing !

Sorry my mil comes from a specific race and upbringing which has a culture I haven’t been exposed to... but lived a more significant portion o her life in a culture which I was raised in and knows exactly where I’m coming from.

No religious clashes or anything.

I guess a lot of communication can resolve those cultural expectations and weird patchy traditions.

However, I think she appreciates another culture which believes I should never question her matriarchy and just believe she knows best. Any communication is seen by her as confrontation..

I’m also not very good at being assertive when I’m being bullied. I can be assertive once I’m not scared but I’m too damn scared as she has beeen scaremongering me with her attitude about “I can convince your DH to divorce u”, she hinted at it many times. Even though im being rediculous to believe her because DH isn’t that type to need her opinion, but it plays on my mind and causes me anxiety. I come from a divorced home and I’m currentlt with a baby and so my hormones are making me extra protective of my home! Which means I’m shutting up out of fear of ruining my little nest.

However it’s eating me up inside

I love my mum and we've never had any issues. However, my wife is the most important woman in my lfe and anyone who forced me to make a choice would come a very distant second, my mother included.

But part of me feels she is just using cultural arguments to her advantage just to secure her opinions and never have to accommodate to mine.

As far as DH is concerned, he is genuinely just confused. Would rather to stay away from his family.

But I see him upset about his relationship with his mum and it makes me want to put effort... but seems like my effort needs to conform to 10 traditions, and not have any traditional expectations.. so I’m quite torn..

@TooTrueToBeGood

It's not about forcing you to make a choice though... it's more about not letting your mother disrespect your wife.

I would equally not tolerate a spouse being disrespectful to my parents.

Sandy

Yes I think you have helped me narrow down my problem.

Honestly the issue started with perhaps a misunderstanding on how to accommodate each other’s expectations (I’m not aware I had anything specific but who knows)...

However I was willing to put as much effort as necessary to make her feel valued for the sake of my spouse who loves his mum.

But my real issue is the disrespect... she has disrespected me multiple times infront of my husband (as jokes!) and behind his back as sneering , and to her other kids. She has bitched about my family to my DH for no reason whatsoever and to her kids infront of me she was sneering at my family , even though they highly make an effort with her.....

My husband didn’t protest enough.. so it became a habit. He used to protest but she said she finds it disrespectful for him to confront her. His siblings told him off for choosing his wife over his mum.... so he started biting his tongue. ( he can be rather harsh when assertive so perhaps he pushed some buttons- I wasn’t there )

In her view, she is the older one and so no matter how much she says I should bite my tongue... which I subscribed to...

My husband thinks he too should bite his tongue though ...upon her dramatic request. If he doesn’t his family gang up on him not matter what his mother has done or said ..

I’m actually different in that I’m willing to buy peace to a certain extent... but I really think there should b a limit. So I started keeping my distance and stayed to pleasantaries and only encouraging DH to keep stronger bond with his mum.

My parents value that if they’re wrong we tell them., I’d much rather that than harbouring resentment.

Ive unfortunately reached a stage of complete resentment.

After a year of space, with casual pleasantaries but not as friendly chatter as before, I feel my DH feels now is the time to start put effort again to restore things in a healthier way.

So I’m clarifying my expectations to him.

But really want to be fair on myself.

I wouldn’t mind compromising but I do mind being disrespected, devalued, bitched about, my family disrespected no matter how old his mum is ( she is only mid fiftees so not that old).

He is almost at the stage where he believes this is who she is and won’t change and that I should expect it and not be hurt.. I’m willing to see that to some extent and compromise... but only when necessary.

But with him, he doesn’t know what “only if necessary means”.

So I’m the stage where we are agreeing a new definition.

Hence my OP

My mil started resenting me further when I created space between us. Because to her no matter how much she disrespected me I’m supposed to see her as amazingly inspiring. Something I’m really struggling to do. I actually tried believe it or not

Really it would be best if your H told his mum...he knows she may not be overly keen on you...but your are his wife...he loves you both and does not want to hear her badmouth you or your family.

You are never going to be the best of friends with her. Some men (and women) jusr can't stand up to their parents and culture plays a huge role in this.

She does sound like the matriarch that nobody wants to upset ... if your H wants you to interact with her... he needs to set firm boundaries or you make it clear you aren't going to be a punch bag for her.