To ask Male posters about their mums?

[ILoveHumanity]

I just want to know, if you love your mother but she mistreats your wife.. would you expect your wife to forge a relationship with your mum for your sake? How do you see it as fair ?

Genuine question as I want to know how to strike a balance

onthenaughtystepagain this dynamic/tradition definitely plays into our situation.

on my side of the family as well (my parents are very involved with my sister and her DD).

I don't meet the brief of your question, sorry... but I'm very interested in the notion that you shouldn't confide in your parents about relationship issues. I definitely discuss marital problems with my mum - both ways; she discusses her marriage (not to my father, if relevant) and I mine. I would expect my husband to feel comfortable to do the same with his parents too. Perhaps this is ok for us as we are both close to our own parents and also very fond of our respective in laws. I would trust my mother in law to give my husband balanced advice about how to overcome an issue with me which i suppose is different to your situation, OP.

My situation is that, for many reasons, I love my wife infinitely more than my Mum and she'd always come first in any situation

If it helps...

I must say that I actually lived with my in laws for 3 years.. I involved them in everything .. trusted them with everything... didn’t want to make mil feel like I’m taking her son away from her...

I genuinely tried... my parents were in fact the ones I was distant from.. I gave my in laws updates about day to day (they expected it..

I cooked for them.. cleaned for them... just so that we feel like part of a big family... I wanted them to like me because they meant a lot to DH..

I can honestly hand on heart say that the first 2 years of my marriage I loved them like my own family and was so sensitive to their needs to the level of stupidity..

Until I realised there was no ending to their expectation.. no thank you... that they were bitching behind my back no matter how much I bend backwards..

“They loved me” but they had a habit of gossiping and I became the subject... when my husband stood up for me his entire family isolated him and bullied him and so he stopped being able to.

So I asked to move out to our own home ... in which case I became the villain. Snide comments to my face... behind my back constant phone calls to DH about how he needs to “fix me up”. Calling him not a man for not being alpha enough to force me to stay living with them..

DH couldn’t put a stop to it because his influential mother managed to make all his siblings and father boycott him, financially abuse him, emotionally abuse him...

I can honestly hand on heart say I had every intention to have the best relationship with them and I always put their needs ahead of mine..

Until it got too much for me and I went into a breakdown. Asked for divorce because my husband was too confused for our marriage to work... and then he decided to move us out... and I decided to take a step back from it all.

So please don’t judge me by most dil stories..

I honestly wanted to love them.

Until I had my baby and they started to use baby to abuse DH emotionally and I couldn’t take it for my own sanity.

Bottom line is, I’m really seeking advice from men who have established that their mothers are actually being unnecessarily mean to the dil. But are otherwise loving mothers.

I still care about mil but I want my distance. I encourage my husband to do all the nice things. Try to call her when he is around.. but she isn’t happy because she wants me to be same as before.

How would u want your wife to handle her ?

I’m pretty confident that I’m the one being wronged here. Had intervention by an external party to save my marriage and they established that mil is behaving like a jealous ex.

I’m still doing all the pleasantaries... just not going beyond that. And if they get rude to me I give myself time to recover.

DH is getting abuse over it. And I feel terrible for him. Trying my best but also deep down I’m hurt that he couldn’t be stronger to make things better for us.. perhaps I’m not fair on him.. because it’s hard for him too. But in my mind I feel if he valued me enough perhaps he should push himself to do more .

”they loved me” but I don’t think they know what Love means because they never respected me or respected how I feel..

And they were ready to intoxicate my marriage to feel secure about their relationship with their son/brother.

The only fault I might’ve had was that when I lived with them, I had moments when I was too knocked out from working outside that I didn’t manage to have the house spotless to their standards.

That is honesty the only thing they are able to hold against me... and that I stopped calling milk every few days when I found out that she was telling DH that marryit me was the biggest mistake... and DH was projecting blame on me and hurt me badly

I’m really not asking for sympathy..

I believe mil is going through a phase ... perhaps some mental health issues.. so deep down when she can’t reach me I forgive her.. but I can’t enable her to hurt me and my family any longer because she certainly is taking every opportunity and DH is seeing for himself..

According to her, when she is upset with her son, she can take it out on me and my kids... because we are the weaker link in the unit.. so I distanced myself so she can take out her frustration on her son so that he can then tell me how much is ok to tolerate...

However, I still want to be fair on her. As I said I think she was a good mother to DH and that she might be going through a phase and I’m hoping once she wakes up from it she might make up for her harsh treatment..

But until then, I want to be in same wavelength as DH and I’m struggling

Need help

Sounds like you're all far more up in each others business than I would ever be happy being.

My wife is my choice.

My mother should respect my choice.

If my mother can't say anything nice about my wife, she can keep it to herself.

But then I live in another country from my parents, and am happy with this situation. Tbh even when living in the same country I was happy to see my mum or dad about twice, three times a year or so.

Sounds entirely like there's too many cobwebs and strings all tied around each other. I'd find it intolerable. As far as I'm concerned, the attitude of my mother should be "how can I support my son and his family when needed?" while my attitude (and that of my wife) is "How can I support my mother when needed?"

Certainly commenting on parenting quality or being judgemental about my partner would be a real fast way for me to kick my mum out of the front door and not welcome her back til she'd learned some manners.

Sethis thanks for your response

My mil has a problem respecting what hair cut my husband decides on, I’m not joking she has stopped talking to him based on haircuts before.

So I’m just one of those choices that she doesn’t respect...

Sethis also you seem like in a far better place than my husband is right now.

I sort of excuse him because I have seen first hand the abuse he was under when he tried to stand up for himself and his family.. absolutely fully gang on him, abuse in every way..

So I am in a position where I need to support him, and need him to support me.. and we are not able to find the balance.

Cutting them off isn’t an option at all right now

Having read everything; that sounds like a miserable existence tbh.

Bottom line is, I’m really seeking advice from men who have established that their mothers are actually being unnecessarily mean to the dil. But are otherwise loving mothers.

That’s impossible, you can’t be both things at the same time.

No offence, but your husband sounds quite useless – I’m sorry. I still don’t know why you have to do/did all those things for them, unless you’re from a collective culture(and even then…). You don’t have to do that. With pleasantries I meant just being civil, you don’t have to be friendly with one another. Your unhinged MIL (I don’t think she has mental health issues, she’s just a jerk), needed to be reined in (or cast aside) by your husband who doesn’t seem to have the stomach for it- that ship has sailed. Apparently, he can’t even decide his own haircut. It’s also a bit conspicuous that they are in a position to financially abuse them. I think it’s safe to say that he won’t be stepping up any time soon. A divorce seems to be the most pleasant option here.

I am estranged from my mother due to her trying to ruin my wedding day disrespecting my wife and just been controlling. She had never met my 3 year old dd. I am less stressed she actually made me ill and I couldn't sleep best thing I ever did. Only downside is she's brainwashed my sister into not talking to me and staying away from us.

@DiscontinuedModelHusband your wife is a bit of a spoiled twat, tbf. Also why aren't you asking your parents to babysit? Why is that only down to your wife?

@Sethis you only wanted to see your parents two or three times a year?! When you lived close to them?

Jesus fuck.

Brel thanks but I don’t think leaving him is the right thing for me. It is indeed miserable for now.. but I’m being patient and hopefully there is light at the end.

northermonkey yes mil brainwashed sil and bil and her husband. She is a significant influential woman. It completely put my husband under her mercy. I just really feel guilt to expect him to cut her off. I feel like if it wasn’t for me, she actually loves him... she just can’t stand my existence..

Fairylight im a mother’s of a boy two, my world.

I really feel depressed too... but I also know that I would try to be kind to my dil....

Do you feel I’m being unfair to mil?

I think my situation is a bit more difficult to answer, my mums disabled and i am her main carer, sometimes it feels like im her only carer, I have my own MH issues which she helps sometimes and hinders others. I think yes i would need a GF or DW to like or make an effort with my mum as i know she can be awkward but i am a family comes first kinda guy and i couldn’t in good conscience leave my mum by herself. If my partner didn’t get on with my mum which is understandable sometimes as people have different opinions i would have to make clear that whilst i understood it would mean that i would have to spend time away from the home.

It’s not a mum trumps partner thing its an old disabled helpless relative vs capable not isolated partner thing. Just like i would expect the same dynamic if my partner’s parents were a PITA/ disabled.

Me and my partner are not married, but have been living together for over 20yrs. My mother has never warmed to my partner. As a result I have distanced myself from both my parents and my siblings - whose OH have financially benefitted massively from my parents money.

Both I and my partner have never asked for anything but the clear distinction in favouritism within the family has completely destroyed any love that was once there.
I have no love nor hatred towards my parents or siblings.....I feel nothing. I have already decided that I will never attend future events be it weddings or funerals.
My view is they all made their choices, I think I am allowed to make a few of my own.

You distanced yourself from your family and then are upset because they are spending time and money on your siblings families? Surely if your low contact you wouldn’t want anything like that anyway

It’s really hard, I’ve a ds who’s not married or seeing anyone at the moment but from reading posts on here it doesn’t mater how nice you are to dil, if dil doesn’t like you that’s your relationship with your son over. There is an op further up who only saw his parents 3 times a year ( sorry he might have had the worst parents in the world) I would be really upset if my son couldn’t be bothered about me like that

@BonnieandHyde

Yes. Why is that such a big deal? I'm an adult with my own life to be living. They're alive and happy, I'm alive and happy, we text each other or call each other whenever we feel like it, generally once every few months with my dad, once every couple of weeks for my mum.

@mrcharlie - do you know why your DM doesn't like your partner?

Evilspiritgin & Fairylightsandwine

I don’t understand why the both of you are upset by this thread.

OP’s mil (and husband) clearly aren’t behaving in an even somewhat decent manner towards her – if you behave like that towards your dil you aren’t a loving mother. Or there has to be something seriously wrong with said dil, oblivious to the son – even then I don’t think it’s a smart course of action. I’m not saying that is the case here OP (your mil sounds horrible). I’m almost 30, still visit my mum regularly (+- 1/week). We also have plenty of contact; I like talking to her about work (etc…) since she has a very sharp mind. Have been in plenty LTR’s, didn’t change then – well in all fairness there was one who had issues seeing she wanted to “be the most important woman in my life” (I can’t deal with idiocy like that so that didn’t take long).

If he’s visiting you now, there’s no reason once so ever that he won’t be visiting you once he’s in a relationship.

I just feel sometimes some mils don’t really want to face that dil isn’t actually an evil cow but a hurt human being and that there is something they can do about it to change things ....

I really do want to put effort. I couldn’t bare the guilt if my husband wouldn’t be there for his mother who was there for him...

I just want to be fair to myself in the process since she is very emotionally abusive to me. That’s all.

WasTime is it honestly very noble of you to have a “family first stance”...

But surely that only means that you expect your wife not to stand in your way wen You want to do all the extra necessary service towards your mother.. I personally wouldn’t mind compromising so DH can take on responsibilities toward his mother..

However her being disabled or anything does not give you an excuse to enable your mother to disrespect your wife and marriage... you need to be the one to put boundaries and I as a wife wouldn’t be accepting a life of disrespect for the sake of my husband...

I would be civil but I won’t go out of my way for someone who is rude to me.

So I hope that’s what you mean ?