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AIBU?

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Original poster

Talking to son about his weight

53 replies

Martind12 · 29/11/2018 19:16

My son is 20,living away from home in his 2nd year at university. He’s never been the slimmest child growing up, mainly on the sligihtly chubby side with a few periods of being a bit bigger and a bit smaller but nothing ridiculous. Since going to uni however he has put on a lot of weight. Managed to get him to weigh himself when he was home last week and he was nearly 18stone and is 6ft tall. I know hes an adult (technically) now but im concerned about his weight and whilst it’s probably not dangerous now i dont want him to keep putting more weight on. Should i talk to him about it- in the last he has been quite sensitive about it or leave him to make his own observations and descisions in his own time?

OP posts:
missperegrinespeculiar · 29/11/2018 19:18

is it likely he does not know he is overweight? what will talking to him about it achieve?

the danger is alienating him for no result

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 29/11/2018 19:35

God no.

Thing is, if you are overweight you know.

You dont need someone else pointing it out to you

It is like having a massive spot on the end of your nose and someone pointing it out

Hes an adult. You may not want him to put more weight on, but really it isnt up to you and it could seem judgey - which is the last thing a person wants from a parent

helzapoppin2 · 29/11/2018 19:35

I wouldn’t mention it. I have a son with similar weight problems and it usually follows a lifestyle change.
He will be coping with a lot, having just started at university, and weight might be the least of his worries. He will need you to keep his confidence up. Think of all the new stuff he has to cope with, like looking after himself for the first time, getting himself organised and attending lectures etc. He’s only just finding his feet away from home. Give it time, discreetly ask how everything’s going and how he’s coping away from home.

Original poster
Martind12 · 29/11/2018 19:37

He obviously realises he’s a bit bigger than most other people around him but i dont really think he realises how big he’s gotten.
By talking hopefully i could get him to realise this and work together to make better meals or do more exercise idk but yes I don’t want to alienate him

OP posts:
Iloveautumnleaves · 29/11/2018 19:44

At 20 he’s ACTUALLY an adult, not just ‘technically’. You have had 20 years of him being ‘a bit bigger’ to influence him, while he was at home, eating what was in the your house. He’s now not living at home, an adult and will be perfectly well aware that’s he’s carrying more weight than his peers. There is nothing you can do that will ‘help’, all you will do is upset and alienate him.

It’s perfectly normal for uni students to put in weight. They eat crap, drink too much and have fun. If HE wants to, he’ll sort it out. Probably when he finds a girl he fancies!

Do not mention his weight. It’s now his business.

Glitterandunicorns · 29/11/2018 19:46

Hi OP. I can assure you he will have realised how big he is. Apart from anything else, his clothes won't fit him in the same way and he'll have seen it himself. Without wishing to be rude, given he's at university, I'm pretty sure he knows that if he wants to lose weight he'll have to have a few more salads and do more exercise.

No good can come of you talking to him about this. All it will do is make him feel bad about himself and that everyone is looking at him and thinking that he's fat.

Please don't do this to him. As a previous poster has suggested, by all means ask him how things are going, but please don't mention his weight.

Glitterandunicorns · 29/11/2018 19:49

Forgot to say- when I went to uni, I put weight on (about a stone; not a huge amount). I went home for a holiday and a family member told me I'd put loads of weight on. That was 20 years ago and I still remember how upset I was about it. (I lost it all once I settled down into university life for what it's worth).

NoSquirrels · 29/11/2018 19:52

Please don't. It won't end well.

He obviously realises he’s a bit bigger than most other people around him but i dont really think he realises how big he’s gotten.

He'll know he's overweight - no normal 20-year-old wouldn't.

NoSquirrels · 29/11/2018 19:54

Plus, you've already made him stand on the scales! So it's not like he's unaware. And you've already subtly pointed out what you think. Leave it now.

Wolfiefan · 29/11/2018 19:55

He’s been sensitive in the past? So you’ve raised it and it didn’t go well.
He’s an adult. He’s capable of making his own decisions. You can say you’re concerned. You don’t get to make him do more exercise.
He’s grown up being overweight. Now he’s left home he’s continuing the same unhealthy pattern.

Original poster
Martind12 · 29/11/2018 19:58

I know he’s actually an adult, but he still is very much home orientated, comes home very often during term time and for all holidays. He’s not yet a fully fledged independent adult is what i am trying to say. Yes he was a bit bigger as a child but he has put on more than 5 stone since going to uni last year. I understand uni is stressful with lots of new experiences but it’ll be an awful lot easier for him to cut down from his current weight than say in 5 years when he might be much bigger.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 29/11/2018 20:00

He was big before. That’s when you should have stepped in and helped him make healthy choices.
He’s an adult. I can’t believe you made a 20 year old man weigh himself. Shock

E20mom · 29/11/2018 20:03

As an ex eating disorder specialist I'd really recommend not saying anything.

AntMoon · 29/11/2018 20:04

I get the comments about your son being an adult, BUT if he'd lost 5 stone since going to uni I bet the advice would be different. Same goes if it was a daughter and not a son.

I'd have a chat with him and ask him if everything is okay, is he worried/stressed/unhappy? Remind him there's lots of support should he need anything. Not necessarily making it about the weight in particular, you know?

Original poster
Martind12 · 29/11/2018 20:06

As i said he weighed himself freely and told me his weight. He shrugged it off and wasn’t concerned at all about it.
Before uni he wasnt slim but like I’ve said he has put on a lot of weight since being away from home, but i dont see why the fact of him being overweight previously has to do with whether or not to talk to him now.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/11/2018 20:08

He shrugged you off before. He's not going to decide to eat more healthily whilst away at uni because his mum told him he should eat more salads.

Wolfiefan · 29/11/2018 20:13

“Managed to get him” to weight himself. It clearly wasn’t his idea.
When your children are young you have more control over their diet and that’s the time to teach them about portion sizes, healthy diets and exercise.
He’s now an adult. If you have done a halfway decent job he knows he’s fat and what it is about his diet that makes him so. What do you expect to achieve?

greendale17 · 29/11/2018 20:21

I bet you that he doesn’t realise how massive he really is. He probably just thinks he is a little overweight.

You need to be cruel to be kind here OP

OpiningGambit · 29/11/2018 20:35

Don't don't don't bring it up.

He knows! And even if he doesn't, it's the worst thing you can do.

What you CAN do is to try to boost his self-esteem in ways which have nothing to do with his size.

ForAMinuteThere · 29/11/2018 20:46

Image wise I understand people not mentioning it. It doesn't matter what he looks like. But, he is clearly making unhealthy life choices and he's your son - you want what is best for him and his health is.

I would definitely say something but approach from the health angle.

helzapoppin2 · 29/11/2018 20:58

iloveautumnleaves has completely hit the nail on the head. At the right time with the right motivation he’ll lose the weight!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 29/11/2018 22:22

OP, I do think you need to talk about it with him from a health perspective, mainly because a 5 stone weight gain is more than a typical "student lifestyle" gain. I can totally understand a stone or so, but not 5.

PP's have said that he'll address it when he's ready - he might, but not everyone does. We have a sad example in our family - my SIL gained lots of weight in her late 20s and continued to get bigger through her 30s. This year she suffered a health emergency related to her weight (her doctor told her this), but it doesn't seem to have made a difference, she still isn't addressing it. Sad

I wish a family member had/would talk things over with her (I can't, we live quite far away and I'm not especially close to her ), because probably there'll be more health issues down the line.

In your shoes, I'd talk your DS now, rather than wait until things get serious.

BonnieandHyde · 29/11/2018 22:25

6ft and 18st isnt massive OP. Christ I'm 5ft6 and 17st6 and only a size 18/20.

He's just a size L/XL at that height 😳

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 29/11/2018 22:33

I think he'd be medically classified as obese at that weight, wouldn't he?

18 stone = 252 lbs.

Hazardswan · 29/11/2018 22:44

YABU. Leave him be.