Talking to son about his weight

[Martind12]

My son is 20,living away from home in his 2nd year at university. He’s never been the slimmest child growing up, mainly on the sligihtly chubby side with a few periods of being a bit bigger and a bit smaller but nothing ridiculous. Since going to uni however he has put on a lot of weight. Managed to get him to weigh himself when he was home last week and he was nearly 18stone and is 6ft tall. I know hes an adult (technically) now but im concerned about his weight and whilst it’s probably not dangerous now i dont want him to keep putting more weight on. Should i talk to him about it- in the last he has been quite sensitive about it or leave him to make his own observations and descisions in his own time?

Yes i think he is classed as obese. I don’t think he realises his true weight. Perhaps i am wrong but i would consider 18st at 6ft overweight, i know bmi isnt a great measure but his BMI is 34 ish. He isn’t particularly muscualr either. I would approach it from the health and wellbeing angle not just telling him he needs to loose weight. I am trying to save him the effort and pain of potentially being another 10 stone heavier in 10 years time and having complications with his health

He’s weighed himself. He knows his weight.
You had your chance when he was a child. He’s a grown man. Don’t lecture him now.

This idea that overweight people just don't know or understand and need a talking to is all kinds of wrong, and actually quite patronising

being overweight does not mean you are an idiot, or don't understand the health implications, or even know what you are supposed to do to lose weight (even though losing weight is more complicated than just eat less, move more, despite what a lot of people think!)

it's often about motivation, and somebody telling you "oh, did you know you have put on too much weight?", isn't going to work in most cases, as a PP said, sometimes even an actual health scare is not sufficient

It is a very complicated issue, often to do with mental and emotional well-being, which is not going to be helped by having a humiliating and mortifying conversation with a relative or parent, no matter how well meaning, in fact, if anything, this will push him away and make him less likely to seek your help on this and may even exacerbate any underlying issue

I think you'd be better off asking how he is in general and reassure him you are there for support no matter what happens in his life, which sounds like you would be as you are obviously loving and concerned

You will make things so much worse; you probably already did by making him weigh himself. He's an adult, he knows.
You should love him without condition. Encourage him when he wants you to.

I am the voice of experience, my Dad fucked me up massively. It back fired, I'm worse off & so is he.

I think you'd be better off asking how he is in general and reassure him you are there for support no matter what happens in his life, which sounds like you would be as you are obviously loving and concerned.

^^ That's really what I meant when I said it would be a good idea to talk to him about it. Not nagging, being supportive.

I don't agree that significant weight gain should never be discussed when your child becomes an adult. What if they're depressed? Should the parent ignore it and wait until their (adult) child is in crisis?

To weigh more than 18' at 6' is not just overweight, it's obese (possibly even creeping into morbidly obese).

Yes, everybody puts on a bit of weight when they go to uni - 'Fresher's Fluff' - because beer and Pot Noodles aren't great dietary choices, but FIVE STONE in less than a year is not normal.

OP, you are your son's mother and you still have a job to do, so yes, I think you do have to speak up here.

I disagree with most of the posts on here. Yes he’s an adult, but he’s still your son. A five stone increase in one year is abnormal and dangerous.

He’s at risk of type two diabetes. He may think he’s put on ‘a bit of weight’ but not realised how serious this is. Does he have friends there? Is he depressed and sitting in alone eating and drinking? Are there any sports clubs he can join there? Maybe you could sign up for one of those home delivery meal plans and get them sent there? Does he know how to cook? Maybe when he’s next down show him how to make a couple of easy meals so he doesn’t just go for easy junk.

He’s still a very young adult away from home for the first time and clearly struggling so it’s ok to help him.

Bonnie, you're deluded. It's obese and it will be affecting your health, and the OP's son's.

A bmi of 34 is dangerous. 6 stone in 3 months is massive.
How would you adress any other potentially self harming behaviour? smoking? binge drinking? motorbike without a helmet?

I gained a stone or so when I started uni, although in my case I was quite underweight when I started so it didn't really do me any harm.

It's living away from home, eating lots of crisps, I didn't exercise for a while as I was finding my feet, I spent a lot of time homesick in my room etc. I found it a really tough time so be gentle with your son.

I can see that gaining a bit of weight at uni is normal but he has gained a lot. He ‘knows’ how to cook but i think he might be struggling to find the time amoungst the course, socialising and other stuff that goes on at uni. I just want to help him, as far as I’m aware he dosent yet have any health implications but thats quite worrying that poeple think that could be the case already- I wasn’t expecting he might have health problems yet at his current weight?

He may not have the health problems yet but as he ages and his metabolism slows down he will continue to put weight on and then...kapow...the consequences will start to kick in.

Your teens and 20s are when you are normally at your slimmest and can eat all kinds of shit, not exercise and still not gain weight. He’s already obese and it gets harder as you age. He’s storing up a lot of problems.

A 5 stone gain is a lot. 1-2 stone and YWBU to push it, but 5 stone suggests this is something more than standard uni weight gain. You have to really drastically change your lifestyle to gain that much in a year.

Also a lot of overweight people don’t realise how bad it’s gotten. There’s a difference between knowing you’ve gained weight and gotten a bit fat, and recognising that you’re obese or morbidly obese, and it takes many people a long time to accept the latter. Just think of how many people say things like they were shocked by a photograph or realising they couldn’t do up a planes seatbelt or go on a ride. Those people had no illusions they were thin, but they’d missed the tipping point when they went from ‘pretty chubby’ to ‘dangerously overweight’. It’s easy to do.

There have been a few posters who have suggested talking to your son from a health and well-being perspective. Again, along with my previous post, your son knows he's put weight on and is at risk of diabetes, heart disease and many other things.

You might say to him "I'm worried about your health- you need to lose weight otherwise you may develop x, y or z illnesses " will not work. Your son will hear "you are fat". Once again, he knows he is big and that obesity carries with it many health risks.

A professional eating disorder specialist has come onto this thread to tell you not to do this. It seems to me that you're going to anyway.

You've said that you fear your son doesn't have time to cook healthily at uni. There are no solutions to that short of you moving into halls and cooking for him. Everyone has time to cook healthily should they be so inclined.

By all means, speak to him about how he's feeling, is he enjoying his course etc, (surely you've always done this regularly anyway?) but please please don't let the underlying current be "because you've really piled the weight on".

Clearly an eating disorder is in itself extremely dangerous and unhealthy so i can see why a professional would seek to avoid this but i dont see why it’s okay to be unhealthy the other way.
I realise that his age his metabolism is only going to slow down further and that unless he changes his lifestyle he’s only more likely to put alot more weight on. I don’t think he’s realised how bad it has gotten. And its precisely because i love and care for him that i want to see him healthy, im not trying to upset him or ruin his self esteem but just help him. I know he’s an adult now but I would’ve though most 20 year olds are still very much influenced or ‘looked after’ to a certain extent by their parents. I don’t want him to look back in 10 years time and ask why i didnt care enough to help him.

@Martind12, you've got to do what you think is right, but there is nothing at all you can say to your son that will help him to make a positive change and not devastate him and ruin his self-esteem.

He will not look back and blame you for not helping him. If he does this, it's unjustified as you can only lose weight yourself. He doesn't need you to tell him this.

I have a family member who has struggled with their weight a lot. Their parent spoke to them about it in precisely the way you're suggesting and it did absolutely no good, and in fact really detrimentally affected their relationship. That family member's weight hasn't changed, but their relationship with that parent has.

I don’t think he realises his true weight

He stood on the scales! He told you his weight! How can he “not realise”?

Look, you said in your OP that he’s in the past “been quite sensitive about it”. So it’s vastly vastly unlikely he “doesn’t realise” how big he is.

How do you know it’s 5 stone since September? Did you weigh him before uni? It’s much more likely it’s been creeping up for a while but a) uni habits and fast food have exacerbated it and b) you’ve noticed now when you didn’t before because you’re not seeing him e wry day so it’s become clearer to you.

What do you think your chat will achieve? What suggestions are you going to make that he’s not thought of himself? If he can cook he’s got the skills; if you’ve talked about healthy eating before growing up he’s got the knowledge- what else is there but motivation, and a concerned-but-disappointed chat from his mum is not going to motivate him - it’ll do the opposite.

Concretely, what do you think you can offer in this chat, and why do you think your adult son hasn’t noticed his own body?

But I’m at a loss of what to do. Is his current weight fine? There are people saying he is getting on towards being morbidly obese! I realise there isnt a tonne i can do but maybe by giving him the opportunity to take a step back and reflect on his body he might then want to make the changes he needs to make.

No, his current weight isn’t “fine” - of course not! But what would you say that would help? Why do you think he “hasn’t realised” vs “doesn’t want to talk about it”.

If he’s been sensitive about it in the past he won’t be oblivious to it now. He just won’t, honestly.

But the need to change has to come from him.

Talk about his eating habits with regard to finances, health and schedule, sure. Offer practical suggestions, perhaps, if he sounds like there’s options he hasn’t thought of.

But I struggle to see how you can do that without upsetting him as the implied criticism is “you are not good enough; you must change”. Even if it’s from a place of concern to help.

But surely if we agree that his weight is unhealthy and may or may not be causing him health problems already that as a concerned parent i should say something just as you would if he was drastically underweight or had a broken leg or was feeling low.
Surely i must be able to say something offering concern and advice as to how he might loose some of the weight without telling him he’s not good enough. He was sensitive in the past yes but im also aware he must have got less sensitive as hes gotten older

I think this is quite common. My son went to Uni in September and has put on some weight . he was reluctant to learn how to cook much before he went and lives off cheap student meals the pubs offer for £2.99 usually large coke burger and chips. he says he wants some cooking lessons over Christmas ! Quite a few of his friends have also gained weight. I would just offer a few ideas on cheap healthy meals. perhaps he is homesick and comfort eating?

Ok, here's my take ..... I'm a bit older than your son but I suspect my mother could easily still have a "what are you going to do about being 5 stone overweight" conversation with me.

I know full well I'm overweight. I know why. I know what I can do to lose weight - and have done recently. I know it's not just the "eat less, move more" logic - some folk will have different combinations of "in the mouth" versus "in the head" issues. I know the potential health implications.
I don't need my own mother to tell me any of that.

What could you do?
General conversation about managing life at uni - is he struggling with budgeting, so is buying cheaper but "unhealthier" foods? Is he struggling with time-management, so isn't setting aside time to cook. Can you do anything practical to help? Not necessarily throwing money at him. But can you do an online order for certain foods. Can you batch-cook for his freezer.
When he's home for visits, practice what you preach. You don't need to ban everything calorific ..... but be considerate to not come across double-standards.

Otherwise, you may have to wait for him to find his own motivation and time.

I can never understand this idea that when you see your child, that you claim to care for is overweight or obese, you say nothing to them. That they'll develop low self esteem and hate you. That's not love, it's neglect. Yes, he is an adult but it's your son and you don't stop caring when he becomes 18.

To those saying 'say nothing', If you saw that your adult son was drinking too much or had started to take drugs, you'd say nothing and ask about his course, will you?

We agree that he knows he is overweight. And?

OP, you are right to be concerned. You are his mother - if no one else cares enough to discuss it with him, you do. Ask him how he feels about it and if he wants to do anything about it. This may get him asking for help or at least thinking of solutions for himself.

@BonnieandHyde
6ft and 18st isnt massive OP. Christ I'm 5ft6 and 17st6 and only a size 18/20.

Sorry but 18/20 is not 'only' and neither is 17st6 at 5ft6.

6ft at 18st IS obese and for someone who has a mother who cares, she SHOULD be bringing it up to her son.

Should he wait until these uni 'girls' mentioned above start to point it out to him to do something? Surely it would have been better for his mother to bring it up lovingly and with care.