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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset by SiL's comments?

83 replies

In0mniaParatus · 29/11/2018 14:16

I look after my 2.5 year old DNephew for one day every week and I had him yesterday with no issues (as usual, he's a great little boy, really well behaved and we have a great time). This morning I received a text msg from SiL stating that the following phrases were banned around DN: "I'm going to stab you", "I'm going to cut you" and "I'm going to cut your face off". I was pretty shocked and asked where had he heard that from to be told "From you - he hears everything". I replied that I had never said anything like that or let him see anything on television that would have that kind of language. I was told that I say it all the time without realising and that it's in my repertoire of usual responses!

I am completely shocked and upset. I have never said ANYTHING like that full stop, never mind around DN. I have been racking my brains to think where this could have come from. Yesterday we spend the morning with my mum shopping, in the afternoon my friend came round with her little boy who is a year older but his speech isn't that great for his age so pretty similar to DN, we were playing with the kids the whole time and there is no way that my friend's son would have said anything like that anyway.

The closest thing I can think of is that I do say to DH sometimes "I will kick your backside" but this doesn't happen when DN is around.

I am seriously consdering telling DB and SiL that I won't take DN any more. AIBU to be so upset?

OP posts:
Blanchedupetitpois · 29/11/2018 14:18

That’s really, really odd. Have you asked other family members etc in case it really is something you’re saying subconsciously? Has your SIL said she’s heard you say them herself, or is this just coming from your DN?

Atalune · 29/11/2018 14:20

It’s so left field that I wonder if your SIL has lost the plot altogether!!!??

M4J4 · 29/11/2018 14:21

I would not take DN anymore.

I assume you were doing it for free? Unfortunately people don't value what is provided for free.

She's a CF, tell her that as she clearly is not happy with your childcare then it's best you no longer look after DN.

BarbaraRoyale · 29/11/2018 14:22

I echo what Blanche has said , has she actually heard you say this
I would be upset to be accused of saying something I hadn't

Littletabbyocelot · 29/11/2018 14:24

I would stop having him, if she truly believes this she shouldn't letting you have him. I'd also check with other people if you do it. It's such a ridiculous accusation that I think one of you might need a doctor.

MrsJane · 29/11/2018 14:26

What a bizarre situation!

Can you ask the rest of your family and close friends to find out if they've ever heard anyone say those things?

MrsJonSno · 29/11/2018 14:27

If you thought someone was saying that to your 2 Year old why would you ever want them to babysit again?!?! Very odd!

Can you speak to your brother (assuming she’s your brother wife!) or have your husband speak to her if she’s his sister.

QuizzlyBear · 29/11/2018 14:29

That's such a random and extreme thing to say that I can't believe that if you 'regularly' said it, you'd have forgotten!

I might have said 'I'll wring his neck' or 'I'll kill him when I see him' without thinking, but not around little kids - especially not other people's either. I notice that I'm far more cautious about what I say in front of kids that aren't mine... 😳

DartmoorDoughnut · 29/11/2018 14:29

Tell her she’s talking out of her bottom and that you think she should go see her doctor as she’s clearly hallucinating

MatildaTheCat · 29/11/2018 14:33

YANBU but to be fair she’s entitled to feel upset if her dc has used those phrases and she’s made the unfair assumption that he heard them from you.

Why not pick up the phone and discuss this rather than texting? Tell her how upset you are and try to fathom together where he might have picked it up? Toddlers are unfortunately very good at squirrelling away inappropriate language and demonstrating their new skill when least expected.

Perren · 29/11/2018 14:33

Tell her clearly those words have never come out fo your mouth and she needs to make alternative arrangements with him as you're no longer comfortable.

Wow.

Do you think she's said it around him and when he's repeated it in front of someone she's pinned it on you?

Janedoughnut · 29/11/2018 14:33

First of all I'd check with your mother and friend that you're not saying these things without realising (not that I think you are) and, if they confirm you aren't, then tell SIL so and that she find someone else to have him.

DameFanny · 29/11/2018 14:34

Have you checked with your H in case you have actually said these things without realising? And then checked whether SIL is high?

Berniethefastestmilkwoman · 29/11/2018 14:36

Just say you had best not look after him again. You were doing her a favour. The correct response is 'thanks' not a complaint.

mirialis · 29/11/2018 14:41

How weird for her to say it's in your repertoire of usual responses. Maybe it is??? Like a verbal tic??? Just check with someone else first in case (though very unlikely I'd have thought); either way I would say I would not take DN anymore - if this really was an issue the very least she could have done is spoken to you about it in person rather than doing it via text. Rude, insensitive and ungrateful.

Bluntness100 · 29/11/2018 14:42

This is very odd. Is she saying she has heard you saying these things? Or is she saying her son says you say them?

Either way she clearly thinks you say these things regularly. Which is odd if you don't.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 29/11/2018 14:44

Yes, check with DH that you don't say those things without thinking - although they're pretty extreme, I doubt you do. Ask your SIL for specific examples of where and when she has heard you saying those things too. She won't be able to provide them. She sounds unhinged.

I must admit I was in the kitchen the other day and said (to myself but out loud): "I am going to kill DP if he keeps turning all the switches off." DD1 (3 1/2) said "Mummy, you are not allowed to kill Daddy" Blush

eddielizzard · 29/11/2018 14:45

The arrangement clearly isn't working anymore. How weird.

angelikacpickles · 29/11/2018 14:46

I think her son has misheard "I'm going to kick your backside" as "I'm going to cut your face off" or your DN is saying "I'm going to kick your backside" and your SIL is mishearing it as "I'm going to cut your face off". It's the only explanation I can think of other than your SIL has taken leave of her senses!

How good is your DN's speech? Would he have the common of language to have told her you said these things? Could she be mishearing what he is saying? Is she claiming to have heard you say these things?

Tinty · 29/11/2018 14:48

Does DN go to Nursery?

"I'm going to stab you", "I'm going to cut you" and especially "I'm going to cut your face off" Don't really sound like things an adult would say, as far as I'm aware, unless it is men threatening each other in a drunken/fight type situation.

Is it that DN has said, that you said these things, (and he is mistaken and heard it elsewhere). Is his speech really clear? Could she be misunderstanding him, or does DSIL think you say it?

angelikacpickles · 29/11/2018 14:50

Command of language ^^

Mumsnut · 29/11/2018 14:50

Do you ever say 'I'm going to kiss your face off ...'

Could he have misheard as 'cut'? Or SIL mis-texted?

Doesn't explain the 'stab' comment though.

Do you have older children who might have said SIL's versions??

Staringcoat · 29/11/2018 14:52

YANBU to be so upset!

Dear X, if you truly believe I would say those things in front of y, then I suggest it's time you find different childcare on ---days. Love Inomania

Even if she does think it comes from you and is genuinely upset, a text message is not the right way to tackle this. In fact it's very rude when you are doing her such a big favour. The very least you deserve is an adult discussion!

happypoobum · 29/11/2018 14:54

Bizarre!

Are you doing this childcare for free? I wouldn't continue.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/11/2018 15:07

Is she your DHs sister? Let him talk to her, he'd know if you said those things regularly, so he can put her right.

If she married your DB talk to him and tell him what she has said, show him the text... he'll know if you say those things "all the time without realising"

That, as an accusation, is truly weird and everyone around you will know it is simply not true.

Then, if she persists, you are going to have to stop minding him. Mainly because you have no idea what else she will accuse you of.

Ideally you need to deal with it as a whole family, no being polite and trying to hide it, or letting it go so as not to rock the boat. You need everyone to come to some mutual understanding of what has actually happened!