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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it’s not the end of the world if he feeds to sleep

116 replies

KonaMum · 29/11/2018 10:57

DS is 12 weeks old and a great nighttime sleeper (sleeps at least 6 hours in one go every night, wakes for one feed and will settle himself if he stirs at other times) but his naps are a bit all over the place and at times he gets really overtired and grumpy. He has improved in the last couple of weeks but it’s still a struggle some days and there is no pattern or reliability. He would never just be put into a cot and go to sleep!

Someone on a group I’m in mentioned the Tracy Hogg EASY routine. Now in theory this is just what I was looking for - a routine but still flexible enough that I’m not enforcing anything strict or unreasonable. However DS will only feed to sleep or fall asleep in the sling. If I tried to get him to nap in his cot when he was still awake (no matter how many sleep signals he was giving me) he would just wiggle about until he got bored or overtired and then cry. He definitely would not fall asleep and no amount of shh-ing or patting would change that! Coincidentally - everyone says to pat baby’s back, how do you do this if they are lying in the cot?!

My plan for the time being is a feed, sleep, wake routine as he falls to sleep on the boob approximately half the time anyway and is getting better at being transferred into his cot, and any time he stays awake or wakes up mid-cot transfer, I’ll just pop him in the sling as he’ll almost definitely fall asleep then and at least he’s making that sleep time connection.

I’m really aware though that people seem to think feeding to sleep is this awful habit that you need to discourage. Why? Am I missing something?

OP posts:

PlayingForKittens · 29/11/2018 10:59

You are right, feeding to sleep is completely normal and natural. You can't spoil a baby, make a rod for your own back or any of that gubbins. Keep doing what feels right and meeting your baby's needs.

blackteasplease · 29/11/2018 11:00

There isn't anything wrong with feeding to sleep, especially when they are really little like yours. There is a sleep hormone in breastmilk for a reason.

Patting on the back is foe when they are older and able to roll and when they might be sleeping on their front. Not little babies.

Sounds like you are doing really well.

Cheesecake53 · 29/11/2018 11:05

Yrnbu at all! I did it and no harm came from it.

AlbusPercival · 29/11/2018 11:07

Did the same for DS.

He’s 2 now, will happily sleep for childminder or others so it’s been fine

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 29/11/2018 11:07

My eldest would just have never fallen asleep without help (either boob or rocking). No way would putting him in the cot almost asleep ever work (we tried it 1000 times). So the options were to let him scream in his cot or carry on with what we were doing. I'm happy with our choice. He needed that comfort and fell asleep feeling happy and safe. I lost a bit of my free time in the process but that comes with the territory of having a baby.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 29/11/2018 11:09

My DS3 fed to sleep during the day until about 6 months and at night until 18 months! And he was my best sleeper too.
It's only a sleep problem if you or your baby have a problem with it - doesn't matter what the books say. At some point when he's on fewer naps or if you are getting tired of feeding all the time, you can always change. That said, I have found that it's not usually possible to go from feeding to sleep to lying them alone in a cot - so you might have to accept using a sling/buggy/rocking, or alternatively be ok with some tears.
If you're looking for something thats gentle and very feeding friendly, the No Cry Sleep Solution is a good book.

QuantumWeatherButterfly · 29/11/2018 11:11

Meh. People are very negative about this and I just don't think it's an issue. I fed DD to sleep until she was 17 months, and it just felt like what she was meant to do. She's 3.5 now and it isn't a problem at all. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I loved sleepy feeding.

Bouncebacker · 29/11/2018 11:15

Life, mental health, our marriage became infinitely easier at the moment we accepted that feeding to sleep, and co sleeping were what our child (and is as his parents) needed. We nearly killed ourselves through the guilt of ‘making a rod for our own backs’ whilst at the same time being petrified of the damage we could cause by leaving him to cry - we tried it all - and nothing worked. What did work was giving him the love and attention he needed at the time that he needed it. He is now 7, and he still struggles at bedtime, and with being alone, but we have found systems that work, and he does go to sleep by himself in his own bed. And DD who is younger is totally different. Your instincts are right, you know your child and it’s ok to do what works regardless of books, MILs or society as a whole x

eddiemairswife · 29/11/2018 11:16

I' d never heard of not feeding to sleep until I came on here. Mine always fed to sleep; I breastfed, and as I didn't know how much they were having I just let them suck until they slept. Sometimes I envied friends whose babies finished a bottle in about 5 minutes. It used to take me 40 minutes to feed mine.

TheVortex · 29/11/2018 11:22

Depends on your parenting experience, child, family circumstances and dynamics.

Anyone commenting here will be biased by their own experience.

BunsOfAnarchy · 29/11/2018 11:28

Agree OP.
Its taken me fuckin MONTHS to stop beating myself over something which isnt even an issue.
DD feeds to sleep. If my mum has her she will happily fall asleep by being rocked or held. With me she needs some tit time.

Its such a non issue. I just wish people and books would stop saying it is. It just destorys an already vulnerable womans mental health.

DD is nearly 8 months, shes a happy baby, not clingy, sleeps well and naps ok-ish. Doesnt sleep the whole night through, she will wake and cry and usually some patience and patting and rubbing her back will set her off to sleep.

OP, forget all the books. Listen to your body and your baby. Feed to sleep if baby is happy that way.

You can have a routine and make it work for you. Thats what ive done. I follow 2 naps and then bedtime routine starts at 6:30pm.
A nap around 30 mins to 1 hour around 10/10:30am. Then a post lunch nap for 2 hours if im lucky. Shes fed to sleep on both.
It works. Im happier. She is chuffed. When i go back to work im not worried. This wont last forever. No one has a 3 year old who needs to be fed to sleep still. The books can do one.

Original poster

KonaMum · 29/11/2018 11:30

This is such a relief to hear!!

OP posts:

IveHitPeakTumeric · 29/11/2018 11:31

I always fed to sleep. It made things so much easier. Why wouldn’t you do it if it works?

ZackPizzazz · 29/11/2018 11:32

Feeding to sleep is awesome. I was v sad when DS1 stopped falling asleep on the boob. He sleeps great in his own bed. DS2 feeds to sleep and we both love it. Best way, easy and comforting for us both, makes me sleepy too. It's been a godsend so, so many times. Whenever someone else has to put him to bed they can successfully use another way.

Why cut yourself off from a massively useful tool and a mutually lovely experience just because it might become an issue some day? Why borrow trouble like that? If feeding to sleep becomes an issue in the future, you can do something about it then.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 29/11/2018 11:33

Bin all the books is what worked for me! I fed both my dds to sleep and co slept. Worse still I sat with them while they fall asleep and dd2 is still having this and she's 6!

My children are well adjusted, confident and outgoing and high achievers. And they know emotional comfort is always available.

BertrandRussell · 29/11/2018 11:37

We have a strange aversion in this country to meeting babies/children’s needs. And we seem to prize independence above everything else- baby likes falling asleep on the breast? You must stop that ASAP and teach them to fall asleep alone.

Baby mammals feed to sleep, then sleep cuddled up to their mother. Baby humans are baby mammals.

Original poster

KonaMum · 29/11/2018 11:38

DS bedshared for the first 6 weeks or so. He sleeps in a cosleeping cot now and is a very happy boy on the whole! I need to stop reading stuff online

OP posts:

toomuchtooold · 29/11/2018 11:41

I was a fairly hardass sleep trainer with my kids (twins, so limited options) and even I would say that feeding to sleep at this age isn't an issue, that it might stop as he gets older, and that if it doesn't, it'll be a damned sight easier to sort out when he's a bit bigger and on solids and you can be reasonably sure that the waking is a behavioural issue and not hunger.
I've not read about this routine but I read a good few when my kids were small and one thing I would say is that if the advice doesn't change significantly between newborn/up to 8w/up to 17 weeks/up to 6 months then they're talking shite IMO because the needs of babies at those different ages are totally different.

PerfectPeony · 29/11/2018 11:43

I have a 5 month old and I’m still feeding to sleep. It works for us and means we both get some sleep.

Don’t worry about books/ what you’re supposed be doing and just do what you think is best.

BertramKibbler · 29/11/2018 11:43

Sometimes I envied friends whose babies finished a bottle in about 5 minutes.

course you did. Smug mother alert...

TheOrigFV45 · 29/11/2018 11:46

Always fed to sleep.
I am no lentil-weaver, but it just seemed right to me. Sod the 'bad habits' and 'rods for backs'.

I've just had the most wonderful weekend with my 19yo at uni, but god.....to be able to sit on the glider and nurse a baby to sleep, with their drunken sailor look and a bit of milk dribbling and my happy hormones making me feel totally at peace. Cherish it OP.

I still sometimes sit with my 9yo if he just wants some company if he's had a tough day.

Give babies what they need I say.

Dreamingofkfc · 29/11/2018 11:47

I fed my first two to sleep, currently doing same with third. It got to a point though when feeding to sleep stopped working so we had to then look into being read to sleep by dad. Now the 2 year old and four year old are so good at going to bed, we read two stories and say good night. That's it. I was told the whole 'rod for your own back, ruining them, spoiling them' etc but it worked out great for us

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 29/11/2018 11:48

I stressed so much about DS being rocked to sleep when he was a tiny baby...all that "rod for your own back" bollocks. I had to do it as it was the only way he would sleep, apart from being pushed in the pram, so I basically did what you are suggesting - got him into a vague routine of feeding and naps and then when he was around 6 months, I was able to put him down awake and he'd drop off. That was just when he was ready and able to do it!

Queenofthedrivensnow · 29/11/2018 11:52

@BertrandRussell exactly exactly this.

Also I never envied a bottle feeding situation. Not once.

Op if you are a big reader pick something more evidence based. The book 'why love matters' is great. Or 'the politics of breastfeeding' but it will make you ragey

eddiemairswife · 29/11/2018 12:41

Was the 'smug mother' comment meant for me?

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