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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of these comments off family

82 replies

Whykeepasking · 29/11/2018 10:34

Nc for this.

I lost my job at 27 weeks. I was heartbroken. Had to go onto UC and through them I applied for a lot of jobs. Didn't end up getting one. I live in a place where it's hard to find a job, especially pregnant. The only one that came back to me was working in a factory, 40 mins there and 40 back. It wasn't ideal being pregnant and my work coach admitted I would struggle to find much. My aunt made a comment that if I was that desperate for a job I would have took that one.

Anyway, after applying for what felt like a million jobs and not getting anywhere I decided to give up at about 35 week, as DP is working, and I spoke to my work coach who suggested I enjoy the time off with my baby and perhaps ease myself back into work when she's 1 and start part time or go back to college as I am young enough. DP is happy with this as he is working full time, we do struggle fianancially but we manage. (DD is now 6 months)

All I get from my family, and DPs, is bitchy comments about "being on the dole" and it's starting to really upset me. I feel so embarrased about my siutation. I'm made to feel lazy.

For example, I asked my aunt if she knew how UC worked as it confused me at first. She bluntly said shes never been on the dole so she wouldn't know. I sent her a snapchat of me and DD sat on the sofa with the dog and I was in my dressing gown (fully dressed underneath) and she replied saying I was lazy for being in my pyjamas all day. Hmm I sent her a picture of something i'd seen in a shop and she asked what I had been up to this week besides "a bit of shopping". When I tell her what I actually do and ask her what she's been doing she says working as per usual. I feel like asking what she did with her babies, leave them at home all day as she works So hard Confused

Same with DPs family, MIL told me there was a full time job going at a local cafe. I said I was hoping to enjoy this first year as me and Dp had agreed worked for us then go back into work. She scoffed at that and said she went back to work when all her children was under 8 mths.

DP sometimes works away and I look after the two (working) dogs. They are big, require a lot of exercise, and sometimes its hard when he is away but we manage. I visited DPs GM and said how difficult it can be sometimes managing them whilst he's not at home and she snapped saying "well, you're at home all day, it can't be that hard, imagine if you had to go to work everyday I did back when we had our dog".

I don't know why everyone seems to assume because I'm on benefits it means i automatically just sit at home all day being lazy and living the life of Riley. A typical day for me is obviously caring for DD, but walking the dogs, going to DMs to cook/clean for her (she is part paralysed I'm her carer), doing the housework, playgroups etc.

Maybe I am BU and these comments are reasonable but I'm fed up of being made to feel like a lazy good for nothing. DPs sister is on maternity leave from her job, never gets comments made to her. I wish I was on "maternity leave" so i didn't feel so useless.

OP posts:
PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 29/11/2018 12:01

I can see your aunt's point about the job with the 40 minute journey. However, it is your business what you do now your baby is here.

Really? Who is really going to take a job in a factory miles away at 35 weeks pregnant which won't even cover childcare costs and leave you much worse off (and your tiny baby in a nursery). It would be a completely irrational thing to do.

Echobelly · 29/11/2018 12:02

I think staying at home with your child when their little should be allowed every parent if that's what they want and no one should point the finger at them for that. I think you need to be firm with them, maybe in an email if in person is hard: 'DP and I have agreed I'm staying at home while the baby is young. I don't like you making me feel inadequate for doing this, you know that I want to work and when I'm able to work it might take me some time because it's hard getting jobs around here. Please back me up rather than trying to make me feel bad for my choices' or something like that.

redexpat · 29/11/2018 12:03

Have you got any friends? Because your families sound horrid.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 29/11/2018 12:03

They sound like some of my family who seem to think being out of work for whatever reason is the same as being on holiday.

Can you draw up a list of things you would need help with if you want back to work and say something like......I want to go back to work and in order for me to not to end up with less money, does anyone think they could help us with.....looking after DM Tuesday, child care Thursday, Friday, walking dogs twice a day.....etc. bet no-one offers!

7yo7yo · 29/11/2018 12:03

Tell them to piss of and if they get offended and say your rude say well so are you!

SalemBlackCat4 · 29/11/2018 12:05

What is UC?

Whykeepasking · 29/11/2018 12:05

I get what you mean PP, but I never mention being on benefits. I told a few members of my family when I lost my job because they asked how we would cope etc then word spread from there now everyone in each family just knows. It's like any comment of what I've been up to instantly I get a bitchy comment back like I mention that I've been watching a tv series and a few people say "Wish I had the time to do that' ygm? I just feel worthless and useless after months of this.

I was a carer in my job so still have certificates for that.

@Sarahjconnor I think they are envious thats why they speak to me like they do. They see it as sitting around all day, having the pleasure to do what i want when I want etc.

I so want to write a status on FB saying losing your job then having to claim benefits and support a family isn't as easy and fun as some people seem to think but I don't want to give them something to laugh at or gossip about.

OP posts:
Graphista · 29/11/2018 12:07

"I think you are lucky if you have got through life without having to rely on benefits." Absolutely! It's not out of being a bad person people end up on benefits NOR is it through being a "better" person that you're not! It's pure luck!

Lucky if born into a reasonably well off or at least not struggling family

Lucky if born healthy

Lucky if born with enough intelligence to do well in education

Lucky if supported in gaining an education

Lucky if you stay healthy

Lucky if you have the intelligence/qualifications/skills to get employment

Lucky if you have a good employer

Lucky if you meet a good life partner and you stay together

Lucky if your employer doesn't go bust

Lucky if you stay healthy throughout adulthood, inc relatively straightforward pregnancy & birth

Lucky if your partner and children are and stay healthy

An awful lot of luck involved.

Maybe send them this:

digitalsynopsis.com/inspiration/privileged-kids-on-a-plate-pencilsword-toby-morris/

"If it was such an easy life on benefits more people would be doing it." Yes! A common response to benefit bashers on here that often shuts them up "if it's so easy to get & such a cushy life YOU do it!"

Whykeepasking · 29/11/2018 12:07

Universal credit @SalemBlackCat4 not sure if its the benefit system throughout the UK or just certain areas

OP posts:
Echobelly · 29/11/2018 12:08

And people do need to understand that not every job is feasible with a baby/small child.

I was made redundant when on mat leave with DS, when DD was 3. After a while, job centre advisor started saying I'd have to move my salary range down (I work in a field without many jobs where the Job Centre had absolutely zero on their systems). I explained to her I would literally be better off not to work than to reduce my salary expectations because we were not eligible with any childcare costs, and two kids in nursery would be 150% of my previous salary.

Echobelly · 29/11/2018 12:09

*Help with childcare costs, I meant

DarlingNikita · 29/11/2018 12:12

Stop sending them pictures and asking them questions about credit etc.

Tell them to keep their opinions to themselves.

They can fuck off.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 29/11/2018 12:14

I'd say go low contact. Don't tell them anything other than bland details. Sit back and see how long it takes them to realise they are going to lose you.

Don't feel obliged to let them see the baby. With these actions they Are showing you who they are.

From one former benefits Queen to another

goingonabearhunt1 · 29/11/2018 12:14

They sound very judgmental and ignorant (especially the comment about a nursing course being 'a few days a week in college') As PP have said, they are lucky not to have had any ill fortune and therefore needing to claim. You are caring for your mum and your baby, that sounds like a lot of work by itself to be honest. What would be the point of making yourself ill trying to hold down a job as well? (not to mention the nightmare logistics of that). Best to wait a bit before you go back I reckon. Just ignore them.

flapjackfairy · 29/11/2018 12:15

Oh I despair of the mentality that being at home raising kids is a waste of ones time and energy and makes the mum a feckless waster.
You are doing nothing wrong and in addition you are caring for your mum. Offer the moaners the 60 pounds or so you get to care full time for your mum and tell them to knock themselves out enjoying their lazy life .

Workreturner · 29/11/2018 12:17

40 minute commute? Reasonable to me.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 29/11/2018 12:19

For a factory job when pregnant I don't think so. In fact I wouldn't consider it for anything less than £35k with my skil set unless this incorporated 1st class train travel.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/11/2018 12:20

Just stop giving them ammunition.
From their POV, (note I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying what the relatives are seeing) they're at work all day, presumably quite hard work to get so bitter about others; and they get a text from you - look at me in my dressing gown in the middle of the day, here I am shopping, here's my new curtains, here's me watching tv. It's fairly easy to see why you get comments back.
Just don't engage.

timeisnotaline · 29/11/2018 12:22

I agree stop sending photos and comments. When asked say I’m enjoying my baby. If they say nice for some you could be a bit rude and say sweetly I’m sorry you didn’t get that chance but dp & I want dd to have this year with me.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/11/2018 12:25

What hideous people you have in your family! I'm so sorry for you, that you have to put up with their ignorant shit.

I hope, for their sakes, that they never have to find out exactly how hard it can be on UC or any other form of welfare benefit - how LUCKY they are that they've never had to. Pure LUCK. Any of them could have an accident or an illness or be made redundant or whatever AT ANY TIME - then they'll find out in short order.

Suggest you point that out to them. And yes, you have a "job", even if it is heavily under-appreciated - you care for your mother! As well as being mum to your baby.

Gah, I hate benefit-bashers. Angry

beachysandy81 · 29/11/2018 12:27

They sound horrible. Claiming UC is no different to claiming maternity pay. You worked up until 27 weeks so you are entitled to some benefit whatever name it comes under. Most importantly it is none of their business. You are doing the wonderful job of raising your baby who is only 6 months!!! Most people are off work for the first year of their babies life at least.

Get out there and make friends with other like minded mums and forget about these horrible family members. Make the most out of your time with your baby as no doubt you will be back at work eventually. I doubt any of them offer any help or babysitting. Don't give any information to them and don't make contact, just see them when you have to.

dontalltalkatonce · 29/11/2018 12:38

They're being twats but honestly, it's not a good idea to be a SAHP with an unmarried partner, tbh.

Bluntness100 · 29/11/2018 12:57

Are you not married op? Whose name is the house in, do you own it?

I think not working and being unmarried is risky, and I'd maybe think that through somewhat, it puts you in a very vulnerable situation.

Magicpaintbrush · 29/11/2018 12:58

Bloody hell, your family and ILs sound really horrible - it's not your fault you lost your job (and it sounds very dodgy that you were let go after telling your employer you were pregnant). It's also perfectly reasonable to be a SAHM while your child is still so very young - loads of people do! Just because some of your relatives went back to work whilst their babies were young doesn't mean your choices are wrong - maybe they are projecting their own guilt about doing that on to you, who knows.

Either way I would definitely avoid them if they are that rude and judgemental, you don't need that in your life. Focus on your baby and you will get a job when the time is right for you.

ShartGoblin · 29/11/2018 13:03

it's not a good idea to be a SAHP with an unmarried partner, tbh

I do agree with this however the OP has said she's considered studying for a career which is much more sensible than working in a job that pays less than the cost of childcare.

In my opinion spending quality time with your baby and studying for a real future is very clearly the best thing you could do in your situation. If your family can't see this then they are stupid as well as vindictive. All the best to you Flowers

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